JQ1979 Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 Hi all! I am brand new hear and in desperate need of someone to give me advice. I have been married two years but I don't think I can hold onto my marriage must longer. Three months ago my wife caved into my step children and allows them to live with her Mom instead of us. She has 50% custody spends her days/nights with the kids at her Mother's place. Then she comes home and lives with me the days she doesn't have the children. I feel so hurt and alone when she is not here. I did not get married to end up being a bachelor half the time. Now I am at my breaking point. She set up with the kids Father to have the kids for a full week straight so now I will not see her for seven days. I saw her today because her work at home job she had to do are our apartment because there was loud work being done at her Mother's place. I am so angry and hurt right now I just want to tell her its over. I feel abandoned. We have hard finiancial trouble ever since the wedding. She has bounced around six jobs in two years. Right now we live paycheck to paycheck. Because of covid my pay got cut by 10% and I was really leaning on her to help with grocercies and rent. Well rent is due next week and we have no groceries in the house. I feel she is being completely selfish and never takes my feelings into consideration. Anytime I stand up for myself and express myself I am being rude or mean to her. I love her so much. But I also love myself and know I deserve to have a wife that wants to live with me full time not part time. Can anyone give me any insight as to what to do other than pull the plug on this marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 Your option other than pulling the plug would be to address the issues which made the kids decide that they would be better off living with their grandmother. What reasons did the kids give for wanting to leave the family home? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 Her kids come first. Why can't they stay in your house? It seems like the marriage is hanging by a thread. You need to get a second job, pay your bills and feed yourself . There's more to the story than custody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JQ1979 Posted August 27, 2020 Author Share Posted August 27, 2020 The only reason the kids gave their bio-parents is that they feel uncomfortable living here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JQ1979 Posted August 27, 2020 Author Share Posted August 27, 2020 59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Her kids come first. Why can't they stay in your house? It seems like the marriage is hanging by a thread. You need to get a second job, pay your bills and feed yourself . There's more to the story than custody. I have been job searching all summer. I do have an interview lined up next week that would make me more independent in paying the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 Just now, JQ1979 said: The only reason the kids gave their bio-parents is that they feel uncomfortable living here. Why is that? So she has to move out,stay with her mother pay for her kids and you get the place to yourself half the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 1 minute ago, JQ1979 said: I have been job searching all summer. I do have an interview lined up next week that would make me more independent in paying the bills. Move back home to your parents. Your wife has her own kids to take care of. She should be paying even less now that she's hardly there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JQ1979 Posted August 27, 2020 Author Share Posted August 27, 2020 Why such a rude response? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 28, 2020 Share Posted August 28, 2020 I have to say I've never heard a complaint like yours. The kids want to live at Grandma's so the wife lives there also when she has custody. How old are the kids? Do they make other decisions as well like what car they want to ride in? Is Grandma's house superior to your own? Did your MIL splurge on lots of fun stuff for them? I mean I loved my grandparents but I did not want to live with them. They were so old! That certainly seems ironic right now. Do you acknowledge that when you said I do to your wife you also took on the kids? And that you are responsible to provide reasonable caretaking but I'm not sure this is reasonable. Is there a time limit? When school starts will this arrangement end? I kind of get the feeling that she is using this to get away from you. Do you see it that way also? Has her EX remarried? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 28, 2020 Share Posted August 28, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, JQ1979 said: The only reason the kids gave their bio-parents is that they feel uncomfortable living here. And what reasons do they give for being uncomfortable? You asked for options other than divorce - addressing the reasons they are uncomfortable is the other option. Edited August 28, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2020 Share Posted August 28, 2020 Indeed. You need to understand why the children are feeling uncomfortable living with you. That can range from difficulties adjusting to some pretty serious concerns. How your wife should handle the situation would depend on the reason why they are not comfortable in your home. How old are the children and how long were you together before you moved into the home/married their mother? Have you allowed the children time to get to know you and respected the fact that it would take adjustment by all... Just asking because some people move quickly, and then they are surprised when the children push back. Have you considered marriage and family counselling, before you decide to pull the plug? Does your wife see this as a problem that can be fixed, or is she content with the current situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 On 8/27/2020 at 3:28 PM, JQ1979 said: I have been job searching all summer. I do have an interview lined up next week that would make me more independent in paying the bills. I will give you a different advice. If you love her and she loves you, and she does not cheat etc, from what you have said, she is doing the best she can because she has to consider the kids that are not yours, you, and the financial situation you are in. She has alleviated you from having to provide for her kids. If the kids prefer not to be with you, that is fine. Find a job and deal with the bills etc. Your wife is returning to you and that means she cares for you. It is only half the time but for now it will do. Consider the alternative of losing her all together since you love her. That would be worse. So enjoy the time you have together and fight for a better future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) Unfortunately for you, her children will always come first. Always. Which is as it should be. I am most interested to know if she is content with this current arrangement, or if she believes that you can still work toward bringing this together in a healthy and happy way. While this may be the best solution at the moment, it’s not an effective long term solution for everyone. But that answer, no doubt depends on the reason why the children feel uncomfortable living with you. It’s hard to give advice when we don’t really understand what the problem is here... Edited August 29, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 On 8/26/2020 at 8:18 PM, JQ1979 said: Can anyone give me any insight as to what to do other than pull the plug on this marriage? Don't discount the issues being brought up by other posters above. Be those things as they may, one approach would be to sit down with her and have calm communication. Explain that in a marriage both partners' needs should be met (to a reasonable extent) and about the fact you feel like your needs aren't being met at the moment. Explain why and see what the response is. If it were me, I would not go threatening separation or similar unless I was quite serious about it and also actually prepared (e.g. financially) to do it, as she might take you up on that. Once you put it on the table, it's on the table. I suspect that you have different attachment styles. You may have a bit of insecure attachment, so the time away, even though there is a logical reason for it, bothers you. She may have more of an avoidant attachment style, so the time away doesn't bother her. Of course, this is just a guess and I could be completely wrong. I'm curious as to how it's going in the bedroom and if that's playing into any of this. Don't feel like you need to answer that, but just consider how things look from the "our sex life" perspective, as that can sometimes be telling. You might consider/ask for joint marriage counseling. You might also get counseling for yourself ala the insecure attachment. Ultimately though, as a partner, if the extensive time away is unacceptable, then it's unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
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