My dream relationship turned nightmare :

[Strangemagic]

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now, we got together after we both got out of messy relationships. he is a 44 year old divorce-a and I am 31. I am worried he is very dependent on me, like extremely addicted to me. We are both recovering alcoholics he actually helped me get sober! I’m only 3 months and he is three years sober. He has made crazy changes to his behavior through the program. He is very open and honest with me about how he was in his past. We talk a lot about concepts in sobriety and how they apply to life and he is constantly trying to change and be a better man for me. he admits his faults and talks eloquently and Convincingly. But recently being sober I am beginning to realize that lots of things arnt adding up. What he says and what he does, there seems to be a disconnect. He wants to be around me 24/7 he won’t let me close up my job with out being there, he has been trying to get me to live with him since we started the relationship (I won’t I’m not ready) he isn’t even fully divorced yet and he tells me every day for months that he WILL marry me. Like I have no choice. Keep in mind I’m an introvert and he’s an extrovert who hates being alone and needs to have me around because according to him I’m like his air supply and he feels so comforted and loved around me and no one else has ever made him feel that way, yet in the same breath he’ll admit that it’s not fair for him to put that kind of pressure on me. (so he realizes but see where the mind f*** starts?). Anyways being there for him makes me feel good! He had a very f***ed up sadistic childhood and I love to nurture people (strength and a weakensss) Anyways something happened last night and it’s not the first of this nature tbh and it is f***ing me up in the head. 

Now, I don’t talk to anyone about this relationship, not one person. People don’t approve of it and instead of talking about it I just keep it to myself. So basically Everything that he says or does gets logged in my head And he switches back and forth so fast my head spins so the bad behavior gets fogged up and written off for the good understand sober minded guy I fell in love with. Note the bad behavior is bad but it’s covert in a way. we rarely ever fight as he is truly trying to change I believe so instead of fighting we talk it out. But once I tell you this please be kind I know what answer I’m gonna get and I think I know what I have to do but it’s so hard. it’s so hard because I love him very much but once in a while this person just shows up and I get a sick to my stomach feeling...Anyways here it is...

Last night we had dinner out after spending the whole day together. Afterwards we are driving and I guess I assumed he was gonna bring me home but after prompting him, instead I find he’s taking me to an AA meeting. Ok I said I wanted to go home, I said I’m not really in the mood to be in a group setting as I’ve been going non stop for days and I just wanted to get some stuff done for myself and recharge. He said “you’re going to this meeting with me whether you like it or not, you need to get your head on straight” now I just had had enough of him bogarting my time and I just said please just take me home, I’m not in the mood. After discussing this for half the ride there he finally begrudgingly agreed to drop me off. He was silent the whole way home. I sensed he was mad, sometimes he seethes in silence. sometimes I get the sense there’s a part of him that’s he’s trying desperately to repress because he’s trying to make changes and not scare me off. 

*TW* possible sexual abuse

Anyways I get what I need done and I’m recharging when I realized that I hadn’t heard from him which is weird. He tells me he’s at home in bed, so I decide to surprise him and show up unannounced with a sexy outfit.  However, I Couldn’t sleep there that night because I had a job interview very early the next morning. So I walk in and he’s in bed sleeping. I’m a bit disappointed and feel kinda foolish so I told him while I wish I could sleep over I should just go and let him sleep. He puts his hand out for me to hold and I touch his hand and he yanks me hard onto the bed. Now for the record we engage in some rough sex now and then. Usually him being the dominant one. I’ve told him many times he gets too rough and hurts me and leaves bruises and bite marks, he will cool down for a couple weeks and then start back up. He’s a big guy and has at the very minimum 100 pounds on me. 

So we start getting into it and I find him getting rougher and rougher throwing me around. I look at him and he has this crazy kinda look in his eyes and he’s basically inhaling me and absorbing me through his eyes and and staring deep into my soul. So I start shaking and i don’t know if it was a desire shake or an “I’m really f***ing afraid kind of shake” but this look in his eye is freaking me out so I just continue and then he takes the straps on my sexy top and starts wrapping them around my neck and kinda strangling me with them. It wasn’t that bad because whenever it started to hurt he would stop himself But then he’d start again with the pressure. He was pulling me around the bed by yanking me all over by my hair for like 45 mins straight and intermittently through out all of this hed get all soft and gentle going slow and sweet Gently petting my hair telling me how he much he loves me and how he wants me to be his wife . Then he’d just as suddenly go right back into the rough stuff, kinda of creepy actually . So the most disturbing was post sex....

afterwards I get dressed and tell him I have to go home so I can shower and go to sleep. He looks at me and goes “wow, really?I feel so used” and I got really irritated with that. I very maturely and sternly started to read him the riot act. I said that is so untrue I do not use him and how dare he insinuate that, especially sexually. it is totally unfair as I am constantly altering my days for him and making sure he’s happy and feels loved and cared for so I told him that by saying that ifs a slap in the face. Well his reaction was to cut me off mid sentence by grabbing a fist full of my hair and roughly yanked me into him so his mouth is pressed against my ear and he says under gritted teeth just shut up and kiss me. And I shook my head no because I’m honestly speechless and tried to turn away and he yanked me by the hair harder this time pulling me back onto the bed and demanded it again. I just refused to do it, so I put my hands up and just yelled STOPPPPPPP. And he laughs and goes “wow someone is being a little brat” and then slaps my ass super hard. And just flops onto the bed. I left in shock I’ve been trying to avoid him all day today but he’s very hard to avoid and I find it’s becoming harder to be alone even at home. He started a new habit today where he just started finding reasons to surprise me, showing up at my moms house unannounced (where I temporarily live after my breakup last year) 

         So to deal with this and much like I deal with everything else I start making excuses or brushing it off to make life more palatable and easy. I said to myself he just blurred the lines between sex and reality, but that’s still not ok. And I realize it. A lot of things about this relationship are not ok. In reality after last night I realized I need to stop making excuses but this is very hard. In lots of ways I love him so much and he’s helped me in so many ways! I fear he is more damaged than I ever imagined and I like to think he means all the good he says but parts of me think maybe his damage is too deep and he is manipulating me. Like I said I have a lot to sort out, it’s my first time ever really airing out a portion of this year long mind f***. 

 

[Acacia98]

"He had a very f***ed up sadistic childhood."

As I read about the things he was doing to you, I kept going back to this. It seems the sadism didn't remain in his childhood. He internalized it and it became a part of him. And it seems he's been repressing this part of himself because you'd have been out the door if you'd seen it from day one.

I think you should end things. But I'm scared for you. Is there a hotline or shelter you can call and talk to someone about this relationship and how to leave someone with these personality traits? Also, I'm wondering why the people in your life don't seem to like this guy. Is it possible they noticed stuff about him that you didn't? You need people in your corner. Do you really not have any friend or relatives you can trust and open up to?

[snowboy91]

You were good for each other in terms of recovering from alcoholism... but bad for each other in plenty of other ways. Think of it this way: Let's say you helped each other completely cure alcoholism. What's next? What is there left in your relationship?

To me it sounds like there's at the very minimum a disconnect in the way you want to lead your life (extroversion vs introversion - not saying that's a deal breaker every time though), and possibly some more serious issues relating to the sadism he expresses towards you. If you're expressing this as a nightmare situation I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship and planning a safe exit in any way possible.

[d0nnivain]

If this is your dream relationship you need to reevaluate your standards.  This is a nightmare.  It's not healthy.  He's a bully.  

[Strangemagic]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If this is your dream relationship you need to reevaluate your standards.  This is a nightmare.  It's not healthy.  He's a bully.  

It started out dreamy, he met me when I was at a pretty depressing low point In my life and The ironic part is he helped me get my feet on the ground but now that they are I’m realizing my hopes and dreams again in this world and while I’m the happiest I’ve ever been being sober the one thing that is now causing me strife is this relationship. My whole perspective has changed and now I’m honestly kind of frightened and I don’t know how to end it.

[d0nnivain]

Just tell him it's not working for you. 

[JRabbit]

This man sounds dangerous. Rough sex shouldn't be scary. Next time he might not let go of the strap around your neck. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I assume you've done some research to see if this guy has any kind of record.  

 

[Wiseman2]

Going to AA helps you. Getting therapy helps you. Getting appropriate medical care helps you. Learning a new alcohol-free social life helps you. Focusing on (sober) friends and family helps you. Focusing on taking courses, improving your job helps you.

Running to a guy's house in underwear and hair pulling, etc? doesn't help you. You need to end it. He may have been a good sponsor in the beginning but that doesn't make him a good man or a good bf.

[mark clemson]

He sounds needy and/or controlling.  I'm not sure, but perhaps he's in part replacing one addiction with another. Perhaps some of his controlling behaviors were learned from his abusers/FOO.

While I certainly suspect he has genuine strong feelings for you, it also sounds like he is slowly escalating controlling/abusive behaviors as well. IMO that doesn't bode well for the future. You don't get to dictate to a partner that they will marry you.

I could certainly be wrong, but I suspect that at some point it will become intolerable and you'll want it to be over. But getting rid of him, unfortunately, may take some doing. Consider documenting anything that feels like abuse and if you ever have to call the police, pressing charges. While he would no doubt be hurt by something like that, it can be very important with some folks to show you're serious and that there will be consequences.

Out of the frying pan (alcoholism), into the fire (abusive relationship)?

[CaliforniaGirl]

You already know the answer to all of this.

[Watercolors]

9 hours ago, Strangemagic said:

It started out dreamy, he met me when I was at a pretty depressing low point In my life and The ironic part is he helped me get my feet on the ground but now that they are I’m realizing my hopes and dreams again in this world and while I’m the happiest I’ve ever been being sober the one thing that is now causing me strife is this relationship. My whole perspective has changed and now I’m honestly kind of frightened and I don’t know how to end it.

Or, you don't want to end it. Listen, this is not a healthy relationship in the slightest way. If you want to breakup with him, you know what you have to do. 

[Strangemagic]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Or, you don't want to end it. Listen, this is not a healthy relationship in the slightest way. If you want to breakup with him, you know what you have to do. 

It’s complicated. Im gonna do some real time soul searching in this response . A lot of me has to start healing and I am growing everyday and Learning more about my strengths and weaknesses and one of them is feeling responsible for others emotions and putting myself second, he really tugs at my heart strings and he does a lot to help me too but I need to grow a pair and end it. Part of me is also afraid, I’m scared he’ll do something crazy and freak out and I’ll go back just to ensure some temporary serenity and “safety”. I have an awful habit of avoiding hard situations. Half of me is screaming GET THE f*** AWAY AND RUN. And the other side is like ok it’s not that bad look at all the good parts. I posted this as a way to get what is happening down on paper and bouncing off what I’ve been holding inside on actual people . I need validation on what I truly know deep inside that I need to do. 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, Strangemagic said:

It’s complicated. Im gonna do some real time soul searching in this response . A lot of me has to start healing and I am growing everyday and Learning more about my strengths and weaknesses and one of them is feeling responsible for others emotions and putting myself second, he really tugs at my heart strings and he does a lot to help me too but I need to grow a pair and end it. Part of me is also afraid, I’m scared he’ll do something crazy and freak out and I’ll go back just to ensure some temporary serenity and “safety”. I have an awful habit of avoiding hard situations. Half of me is screaming GET THE f*** AWAY AND RUN. And the other side is like ok it’s not that bad look at all the good parts. I posted this as a way to get what is happening down on paper and bouncing off what I’ve been holding inside on actual people . I need validation on what I truly know deep inside that I need to do. 

Hey it's a stressful situation for you. My cousin has been in AA/NA for two decades and she has been in your shoes before because like you, she is an empathic caretaker by nature. So, lots of her fellow AA/NA'ers would take advantage of her good nature to her detriment in many ways. 

It's good that you wrote down your situation here. But if you already know the answer, you need to find the inner strength to make it happen. If Katie Holmes can escape Tom Cruise with a burner phone, you can escape this awful 41 year old boyfriend successfully. You just need to put everything into place without telling him. If you want to get away from him safely, you will. Just make sure you use the shelter system if you don't have a place to go to right now. Womens shelters will protect you. And, you'll still have access to AA meetings at whatever shelter you end up going to. 

Edited August 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[MsJayne]

He's got way more head problems than alcoholism, and the domination thing has crossed the line from sex to assault. Please run while you can, because I'd bet you my house that if you committed fully to this closet psycho you'll end up in an ambulance, or worse. 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Strangemagic said:

Half of me is screaming GET THE f*** AWAY AND RUN. And the other side is like ok it’s not that bad look at all the good parts.

Life eventually teaches many if not most of us to run FROM, not TO, the red flags. Sometimes the lessons can be very harsh, depending on the specific situation.

[CaliforniaGirl]

15 hours ago, Strangemagic said:

It’s complicated. Im gonna do some real time soul searching in this response . A lot of me has to start healing and I am growing everyday and Learning more about my strengths and weaknesses and one of them is feeling responsible for others emotions and putting myself second, he really tugs at my heart strings and he does a lot to help me too but I need to grow a pair and end it. Part of me is also afraid, I’m scared he’ll do something crazy and freak out and I’ll go back just to ensure some temporary serenity and “safety”. I have an awful habit of avoiding hard situations. Half of me is screaming GET THE f*** AWAY AND RUN. And the other side is like ok it’s not that bad look at all the good parts. I posted this as a way to get what is happening down on paper and bouncing off what I’ve been holding inside on actual people . I need validation on what I truly know deep inside that I need to do. 

I'm not invalidating you but the answer to abuse is NOT complicated. An abuser will mess with your head, making it extremely difficult to leave - or he may actually isolate you over time and leave you with no resources, so that it's impossible for you to leave. He'll also show you a stellar side so that you think the good outweighs the criminal psychotic you're going to wind up in the papers "Remembering Stragemagic: 'She always loved and cared for others,' Family Members Recall" bad.

But the actual answer to this question, for you, personally, no marriage, no kids, self-supporting? ...is...leaving.

Leave.

If you want to soul search in general you can do it after you leave.

Leave.

Edited August 28, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Wiseman2]

13th Stepping Defined

Simply put, the 13th Step is a colloquial term for when a 12-Step old-timer hits on a group newcomer with less than a year of sobriety. It can be for a variety of reasons — emotional, financial, physical – but either way, it’s someone in a position of power trying to take advantage of someone who is weaker.

Think about it;newbies in recovery are the ideal “fresh meat” for predators. They’re vulnerable and lonely. Their self-esteem is low and the boundaries they’ve established aren’t very strong. Thirteen-steppers know this and prey on these easy targets for their own personal gain. They’ll cozy up with the newcomer at each meeting, offer a shoulder to cry on and say they just want to help. Because they’ve been around the block once or twice, these individuals already know all the right things to say and all the right moves to make.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 8/27/2020 at 7:44 AM, Strangemagic said:

It started out dreamy, he met me when I was at a pretty depressing low point In my life and The ironic part is he helped me get my feet on the ground but now that they are I’m realizing my hopes and dreams again in this world and while I’m the happiest I’ve ever been being sober the one thing that is now causing me strife is this relationship. My whole perspective has changed and now I’m honestly kind of frightened and I don’t know how to end it.

This is not irony, or even incongruous. He has since the beginning tried to control you by "saving" you, then next, pretty much tricking you into going to AA meetings. An abusive person will try to get you dependent upon him or her. Very, very dependent. The more he takes away your independence the less capable you are of leaving.

You end it by saying, "I don't want to see you anymore. Don't contact me ever again."

Does he deserve more than that?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Search Psychology dot com - How Domestic Abusers Groom and Isolate Their Victims.

The article starts right off with:

Violent and controlling relationships may begin with overwhelming attention, sweet words, and gifts that make future victims close their eyes to the red flags indicating potential abuse.

Abusers Often Come on Strong 

Intense romance can be a form of grooming, a predatory tactic that is meant to build a deep emotional connection.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It's great that you effectively inspired yourSELF out of a life hole while motivated by him...

 

but I don't think either of you are doing your path toward recovery any good by having entered into this romantic relationship.

 

Your path toward sobriety is supposed to be yours alone...  and the romantic relationship is a distraction...  (even IF it got you motivated for the first X weeks/months)