'In love' with someone else

[anon1182]

Hi

I have an issue and it's really starting to bother my day-to-day life as I'm beginning to feel pretty unwell.
The more I think about my issue, the more unwell I feel, but at the same time, my mind just keeps wandering around the same issue, thinking it over and over again.

So, I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years and I love her more than anything and at the same time, she's also my best friend.
We talk about everything and during the 10 years that we've been together, we've hardly ever had any arguments.
For these 10 years, I've hardly been able to pin-point a single thing that I would like should be better in our relationship, until now.

As it happens, I have a new female colleague at work, who is very friendly and nice. On top of that, she also has great skill in the field that she works in and she's passionate about it.
The fact that my new female colleague started, I think has made me realize I have way more in common with her, as we work in the same line of business and therefore share many of the same interests. Interests that I don't share with my girlfriend, who works in a completely different line of work - a line of work which I also know nothing about and really don't have any genuine interest in.

In a perfect world, I would like to have just "forgotten" about my new colleague, but that's not really an option as I hope that she's around to stay for good.
I also don't want to just forget everything about her and not have these thoughts, even though it sure would make everything much easier.
I have a feeling that my colleague might like me in more than just a friendly manner, too, based on a few comments and hints - but it might just be my mind tricking me.
I'm in my mid-twenties, but I already feel as if I don't take this leap, I might wake up one day in 10 years and feel like I've missed a chance.

I also should mention that, I'm in a "higher work position" than my female colleague and it's possible that, that could influence the kind of advice you can give.

It's also worth mentioning I've had vague thoughts like this before during our relationship, but they've always passed after a week or two, and they've never been as strong as they are this time.
It's not a matter of sexually fantasizing about her, it goes much deeper than that.

So, I'm hoping for advise on what to do ...

Thanks in advance.

Edited August 27, 2020 by anon1182

[central]

First of all, I can understand where you're at with this, and won't be so condescending as to say just get over it and forget it and focus on your gf.

However, you are in a potentially dangerous situation at work, with the threats of sexual harassment a possibility even if she IS into you and wants something more than collegial friendship.  That could change later.  Management could take a dim view of this as well, even if there are no complaints.  Is it worth losing your job?  Unless one of you transfers within or outside the company so there is no possibility of impropriety in that regard, you should do nothing and be especially careful given how you feel.

Next, are you prepared to break up with your gf before pursuing something with this other woman?  Alternatively, are you prepared to honestly discuss this in depth with your gf and see what she suggests?  Assuming the work issues can be resolved, how would your gf feel about an open relationship or polyamory?  That's independent of what the woman at work may want - that's another discussion you'd have to have with her when it's safe to do so.

So it seems there are lots of risks and limited potential for it all to work out.  Of course, you may not be rational about this and will risk it all - but prepare to crash and burn if you do.

[anon1182]

4 minutes ago, central said:

First of all, I can understand where you're at with this, and won't be so condescending as to say just get over it and forget it and focus on your gf.

However, you are in a potentially dangerous situation at work, with the threats of sexual harassment a possibility even if she IS into you and wants something more than collegial friendship.  That could change later.  Management could take a dim view of this as well, even if there are no complaints.  Is it worth losing your job?  Unless one of you transfers within or outside the company so there is no possibility of impropriety in that regard, you should do nothing and be especially careful given how you feel.

Next, are you prepared to break up with your gf before pursuing something with this other woman?  Alternatively, are you prepared to honestly discuss this in depth with your gf and see what she suggests?  Assuming the work issues can be resolved, how would your gf feel about an open relationship or polyamory?  That's independent of what the woman at work may want - that's another discussion you'd have to have with her when it's safe to do so.

So it seems there are lots of risks and limited potential for it all to work out.  Of course, you may not be rational about this and will risk it all - but prepare to crash and burn if you do.

Management or filing for sexual harassment would not be an issue in this case due to my work situation - however, other colleagues might see this as an issue, but it's not something that could risk my work life or career.

I don't think I would work in an open relationship / polyamory, so I don't think that's an ideal situation either.

There's definitely a lot of risks, maybe it's best to give it some time and see if my feelings stop for one or the other, at the same time I feel stressed that I might "lose my chance" to be with my colleague in case she finds someone else in the meantime.

Thanks for the advice.

[elaine567]

You are mid twenties so I suggest you split up with your gf of 10 years as something isn't right if you are fantasising about this other woman.
i guess your life experience is limited, I guess this is your only proper gf, and I don't think it sounds as if you are ready to settle down as that is the next step.
Don't waste your gfs time.
I think you will regret it if you stick around. It may not work out with this colleague but it sounds like she may be your wake up call. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your age and lack of experience with women is a big factor here. 

It might be time to reflect on whether you’re actually ready to commit to one woman and only one woman (your girlfriend) forever. It doesn’t sound like it, which is normal. It’s not a pleasant realization, but this usually happens when a couple starts dating as teenagers and have no other experience. 

It might not go anywhere with this specific woman, but I think it’s life tapping you on the shoulder.