Citing age as a reason for settling 'I'm not getting any younger!

[QuietRiot]

There has been cases where women have decided to change their criteria due the fact that "Well, I'm not getting any younger" and thusly, change their criteria around or some as my call it "settling".  That the guy with the receding hairline or a few inches shorter than what they would've wanted would now be the guy they will go for as they get older.

Some call it "settling" some call it just altering it a bit as typically people in their younger years...their 20s, are basing their criteria off mostly on looks and status and so on.

However, I know a gentleman that found out his ex-girlfriend mentioned to her mother that the reason she decided to date him exclusively was in part due to the "I'm not getting any younger" reason.

I can't help but to think that may be a feasible reason though, esp. if you're giving up specifically superficial criteria. I mean, of course you don't want him to have bad hygiene and stuff....but I can see someone managing settling on someone with a little thickness to their belly and/or height. Does it seem feasible?

[d0nnivain]

"settling" to me is accepting somebody who doesn't share your values.  That is bad.  Agreeing to date somebody who doesn't look like a model is simply being realistic.  

[Blind-Sided]

42 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

I can't help but to think that may be a feasible reason though, esp. if you're giving up specifically superficial criteria. I mean, of course you don't want him to have bad hygiene and stuff....but I can see someone managing settling on someone with a little thickness to their belly and/or height. Does it seem feasible?

TO me... that's call growing up.  LOL

When you are young... you want to date the "Hot" Guy/girl.  But those people are often shallow, and not someone you can be with for long.  But once you look past the "Superficial" stuff... and see what the real value is in that person... then that's when you have a good relationship.  

With that said... if you get someone that says... "I'm not getting any younger" and then dates a short bald guy, or the slightly overweight girl... they really didn't grow up yet... and they will be miserable until they pull their head out of their A$$.

[chillii]

And some might call it a reality check. They can fall for the date site oooo, the worlds my oyster nowwww, allusion thing and shoot way above their mark for awhile but in the end that's all it is , just as much so for women as for men. Back in the day with stories from women l met and even just reading round ls these days it's very obvious that in the end these things and something real are not an easy thing to find for either .

But personally l think the whole settling term that gets so around in forums is not right at all . Well in some cases yeah it would be , there's some pretty shallow people out there . but more often than not l'd call it reality. And don't forget too anyone can end up falling for someone that was nothing like they'd envisioned but bc of what they have together suddenly that doesn't matter , so that can be a scenario too.

[ZA Dater]

I'll disagree with all the posts here.

I cannot fathom the thinking involved in deciding to date someone who ticks none of your boxes on the basis 'well I am not getting any younger", I cannot relate to that because if you find yourself having to do that then you need to ask if you really want to compromise so much of your life for the benefit of waking up next to someone else? How much baggage are you prepared to accept, my experience is the people who end up settling tend to have to accept massive amounts of baggage in the deal and they themselves need to comprise who they are to such a degree to get it to work. In my view its not sustainable in the long term, a friend tried this is the relationship was completely destructive.

Honestly it would be better to just admit you could never find the person you wanted who wanted you than to settle with someone you need to force yourself to like. I could pass judgement on women who do this and suggest that they do this when looks fade and they have nothing superficial to offer so they need to consider the type of guys they rejected over and over. Those guys then need to feel so special that they were chosen. All round its a pathetic cycle in my opinion.

When you think about settling consider that in terms of what you value in life and I cannot fathom how doing so could make anyone happy at all.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

And don't forget too anyone can end up falling for someone that was nothing like they'd envisioned but bc of what they have together suddenly that doesn't matter , so that can be a scenario too.

Does this really happen though outside of Rom Com movies? I mean we all aren't Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Women. I'd wager this happens rarely in reality because fundamentally its looks which open the door, you can be the most amazing and dynamic person but if you don't have any physical attraction its not going to matter.

[chillii]

 

Yeah , happens all the time , l could name a string of examples just in people l've known alone, some have been together 20 and 30yrs. l'm not talking about forcing, that wouldn't work wouldn't be right. But if your just talking about attraction , which l'm not , that comes from all kinds of things particularly with women it's not only about looks.

[Caauug]

Good topic!!! Thanks.

17 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

There has been cases where women have decided to change their criteria due the fact that "Well, I'm not getting any younger" and thusly, change their criteria around or some as my call it "settling".

I think there are a few things going on here.

-Her looks maybe (are) fading, her body isn't as hot as it was when a teen or early 20's. (gone from a race car to a comfortable sedan)

-Her body clock is ticking, wants/needs kids and futility drops with age.

-The 8-10 alfa she was able to hookup with is now looking at the 20yr old hot girls.

-She has got older so has had to look for older "gentlemen" not the 8-10 or top 20% of the males of the past.

-The 8-10 male have no trouble finding girls, so why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

-If she's to have kids it would be best if she finds a suitable provider, that is likely not the top 20% of males she has been dating. The provider male has been advancing his education and career, he may have his own business. 

-Her needs in a mate is now resource based, someone that will stick around, and provide for her and her kids when she can not work.

-With the way some courts are now: Marriage to a top provider, kick out a couple of kids, divorce, take his money and keep the house with child support and alimony. She doesn't have to keep rooting the fat, short, chump for long.

This list is not 100% every woman/man all the time. (Some get married with very little dating partners and find their mate, others want to play more.) It's more with time, the primary needs of women change so the attraction changes because of the need changes. Yes, they are growing up (maybe).... "Settling" could also be "Nesting" or looking to have a family/kids.

18 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I can't help but to think that may be a feasible reason though, esp. if you're giving up specifically superficial criteria. I mean, of course you don't want him to have bad hygiene and stuff....but I can see someone managing settling on someone with a little thickness to their belly and/or height. Does it seem feasible?

Then you get the women that get a couple of kids by the 8-10 alfas or "bad boys" in the mid to late 20's and then try to find the provider. Money talks. Why bust your a$$ trying to raise a family and support yourself with kids when you can get someone else to do it???? If he is a real simp she only has to have sex with him a few times a year but gets his steady income.... 

[Woggle]

My heart goes out to these guys. There is nothing worse than sleeping next to somebody who feels that she settled for you. It is the worst position a man can be in.

[QuietRiot]

I have a good male friend I know...that cited me as this being one of his reasons for marrying a woman he reconnected with. (Was in a casual fling with a while ago)...she actually reached out to him. About a month later he got engaged to her, and about a week after that...married her.

He had gotten flack about quickly it escalated, and he didn't appreciate some of the flak he'd received from his friends on it. When I asked him what the deal was on moving to a wedding so quickly, I recall 2 main things he said.

1. He couldn't think of a reason NOT to marry her.

2. That he wasn't getting any younger (in his late 40s)

She is actually an attractive woman, no question there. I don't know much about her other than that. Apparently, still happy with her a year later. So....*shrug*

But I have to say there is SOME merit to changing your criteria around from the superficial when you get older and in that context when you say, "WEll, we're not getting any younger".

I think that when SOME people settle...doesn't mean they aren't happy with that person because it wasn't fireworks, sparks and all that feel good hoopla. There are many cases that when someone married, one person is more into their partner than the other way around.

Edited August 29, 2020 by QuietRiot

[CaliforniaGirl]

If she literally describes it as settling, well, holy sh**.

BUT...if she just says she isn't getting any younger or whatever, that doesn't necessarily mean settling or being unnappy. People do change as they get older. People just become ready.

[Weezy1973]

Settling is not accepting less than you want. It’s accepting less than you can get. If someone chooses the best option available to them, that’s not settling. It’s just reality. Many however, have a hard time accepting reality.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 8/29/2020 at 5:21 AM, QuietRiot said:

I have a good male friend I know...that cited me as this being one of his reasons for marrying a woman he reconnected with. (Was in a casual fling with a while ago)...she actually reached out to him. About a month later he got engaged to her, and about a week after that...married her.

He had gotten flack about quickly it escalated, and he didn't appreciate some of the flak he'd received from his friends on it. When I asked him what the deal was on moving to a wedding so quickly, I recall 2 main things he said.

1. He couldn't think of a reason NOT to marry her.

2. That he wasn't getting any younger (in his late 40s)

She is actually an attractive woman, no question there. I don't know much about her other than that. Apparently, still happy with her a year later. So....*shrug*

But I have to say there is SOME merit to changing your criteria around from the superficial when you get older and in that context when you say, "WEll, we're not getting any younger".

I think that when SOME people settle...doesn't mean they aren't happy with that person because it wasn't fireworks, sparks and all that feel good hoopla. There are many cases that when someone married, one person is more into their partner than the other way around.

Do you honestly believe this guy only got married because he was getting older and he couldn't think of a reason not to? Not: he is ready now at this age ("not getting any younger") so *when he fell in love* he was ready to get married?

If he literally just grabbed the next likely woman and committed his entire life based on being older now that means he has really no options, apparently. And had gotten to his 40s with no prospects in sight. Most guys, even very average guys, have a shot at marriage way below 40 so do you really think this guy is typical of men? That this is some sort of typical M.O.? Are you saying guys have a biological clock too and that just as some assert with women, men's attractiveness also speeds down a sharp incline after their 30s, that older guys don't necessarily have their pick way longer than women do? That ultimately they have to stop chasing unicorns? If so it's interesting that someone on here is willing to admit this. (To reiterate: on here, out in the real world where people tend to be more even-keeled, less difficulties with the basics of relationships, etc.)

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Woggle]

I know this is a generalization but men generally don't have that don't settle mentality. A man can have a less than fairytale relationship and be happy. Women on the other hand yet for very disillusioned if she feels that she settled. This is not true in all cases but a pattern I have noticed.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I know this is a generalization but men generally don't have that don't settle mentality. A man can have a less than fairytale relationship and be happy. Women on the other hand yet for very disillusioned if she feels that she settled. This is not true in all cases but a pattern I have noticed.

Women all across the world fall in love with decidedly average men every single day. And I've never known  woman who said she settled. I am not sure I've ever actually met someone who wasn't in love when she got married.

I really only hear stuff like this in the internet.

Most people wind up growing dissatisfied when things *change* after marriage. 

ETA: wait, I do remember one woman! But they got married because she was pregnant. Neither was very happy with the decision, trust me.

[Woggle]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Women all across the world fall in love with decidedly average men every single day. And I've never known  woman who said she settled. I am not sure I've ever actually met someone who wasn't in love when she got married.

I really only hear stuff like this in the internet.

Most people wind up growing dissatisfied when things *change* after marriage. 

ETA: wait, I do remember one woman! But they got married because she was pregnant. Neither was very happy with the decision, trust me.

Read the divorce forum on this board. Women need that in love and passionate feeling to be happy with a man. With a man if a woman is at least decent looking and treats him well he is most likely happy.

[CaliforniaGirl]

15 minutes ago, Woggle said:

Read the divorce forum on this board. Women need that in love and passionate feeling to be happy with a man. With a man if a woman is at least decent looking and treats him well he is most likely happy.

Women need love and passion, and when it stops AFTERWARD they are dissatisfied. That doesn't mean they settled. It means they feel baited-and-switched.

As for guys being happy with so little, okay, take just the "decent looking" part. How many women's posts on here saying "my husband doesn't want to have sex" or "my husband isn't attentive to me" are immediately answered with, "Have you gained weight?" Bam, she isn't quite as hot, the guy is miserable. Apparently.

I hear so many guys here saying they don't ask for much, then when they're saying yet again that they can't find a great woman they'll begin to tick off more and more and more must-haves, deal-breakers and often, unicorn hunting. Enough with the men don't ask for much myth. Of course you do. Anybody does, especially when making a hopefully lifelong commitment. Anyone would be insane to.settle on decent-looking - whatever that means - and the most basic of human treatment.

Healthy people look at all aspects of the person, but here on teh internets we get a skewed view of...well, everybody. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Weezy1973]

There was a study out of Australia that showed that women are pickier than men during their fertile years (under 40) and then men become pickier than women over 40. On average, in general etc.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

There was a study out of Australia that showed that women are pickier than men during their fertile years (under 40) and then men become pickier than women over 40. On average, in general etc.

About marriage?

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

About marriage?

About who they would date or not.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Right. Date. Not marry.

 

[QuietRiot]

16 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Do you honestly believe this guy only got married because he was getting older and he couldn't think of a reason not to? Not: he is ready now at this age ("not getting any younger") so *when he fell in love* he was ready to get married?

If he literally just grabbed the next likely woman and committed his entire life based on being older now that means he has really no options, apparently. And had gotten to his 40s with no prospects in sight. Most guys, even very average guys, have a shot at marriage way below 40 so do you really think this guy is typical of men? That this is some sort of typical M.O.? Are you saying guys have a biological clock too and that just as some assert with women, men's attractiveness also speeds down a sharp incline after their 30s, that older guys don't necessarily have their pick way longer than women do? That ultimately they have to stop chasing unicorns? If so it's interesting that someone on here is willing to admit this. (To reiterate: on here, out in the real world where people tend to be more even-keeled, less difficulties with the basics of relationships, etc.)

Not saying any of that.

He was actually having a bad time at dating during that year. Had no luck at all, then his friends with benefits (from back then) reached out to him. Nothing happened between them back then because the timing was off and he was going through a hard time, wouldn't get into it. But when the reconnected, it was within months that they tied the not. Hell, they weren't even living together at the time.

I personally thought he was being desperate. Others thought the same, and he rejected it of course.He was in his mid 40s when he married her.

[QuietRiot]

16 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Women all across the world fall in love with decidedly average men every single day. And I've never known  woman who said she settled. I am not sure I've ever actually met someone who wasn't in love when she got married.

I really only hear stuff like this in the internet.

Most people wind up growing dissatisfied when things *change* after marriage. 

ETA: wait, I do remember one woman! But they got married because she was pregnant. Neither was very happy with the decision, trust me.

Of course you have, because the Internet is occupied by millions, and you're comparing it to a sliver of people in your life, a nhandful, that got married.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Not saying any of that.

He was actually having a bad time at dating during that year. Had no luck at all, then his friends with benefits (from back then) reached out to him. Nothing happened between them back then because the timing was off and he was going through a hard time, wouldn't get into it. But when the reconnected, it was within months that they tied the not. Hell, they weren't even living together at the time.

I personally thought he was being desperate. Others thought the same, and he rejected it of course.He was in his mid 40s when he married her.

But can you not see that you thinking that, is just you thinking that? They already had a past. HE seems to feel he's happy. Doesn't he know that better than you do?

[NuevoYorko]

On 8/28/2020 at 11:04 AM, ZA Dater said:

I'll disagree with all the posts here.

I cannot fathom the thinking involved in deciding to date someone who ticks none of your boxes on the basis 'well I am not getting any younger",

I must have missed the part in the OP that said "ticks none of your boxes."

As someone said above,  most of us do change our criteria as we mature.  If I still looked for what I did when I was 21, I would be a sorry excuse of a grown man; that said, I don't fault myself for wanting what I wanted when I was virtually a kid.

Some on this thread have no relationship experience.  They will have no "data points," if you will, to aid them in learning that some of their criteria were standing in their way of finding a fulfilling relationship.

Self awareness is underrated.