Citing age as a reason for settling 'I'm not getting any younger!

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Of course you have, because the Internet is occupied by millions, and you're comparing it to a sliver of people in your life, a nhandful, that got married.

People in my life are not a sliver. I've known hundreds of married couples. I'm sure you have too.

Deciding complaints on the internet are more representative of real life is very off, for the simple reason that comparatively few people spend a lot of time making accounts on forums to say again and again , "Hi! My name is Jill, and I'm happy in my relatiomship. And, well, that's about it." It is human nature that way more. people reach out more often because of complaints, issues, or trying to help with these.

You are otherwise looking at OLD, where you are finding people who have been single for years, like you have.

The internet gives a very skewed viewed view of the world, I think we all need that.

[Ruby Slippers]

21 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

And I've never known  woman who said she settled.

Very few people are going to admit that they feel they settled while they're still in it, as it's admitting you're making do with mediocrity instead of going for what you really want. Some people will admit it after the fact.

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Very few people are going to admit that they feel they settled while they're still in it, as it's admitting you're making do with mediocrity instead of going for what you really want. Some people will admit it after the fact.

I did know a woman who admitted she settled, and knew it even as they were getting married. But she was a total disaster when it came to relationships. I think she was referring to her third marriage as the one she settled. She might be on marriage number five now. 
 

As I posted earlier, settling is not about getting less than you want. It’s about getting less than you can get. Those are distinctly different things. If someone is holding out for a unicorn (which doesn’t exist), than anybody they actually decide to have a relationship with, they’ll feel they’re settling for.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Weezy1973]

19 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Right. Date. Not marry.

 

For that study, I was more pointing out that standards seemed to change with age. Women under 40 had higher standards (for dating) than those over 40. But to be sure, as the data was taken from OLD, it could just as likely be shift from the superficial (education, career, height) to more meaningful qualities.

[CaliforniaGirl]

21 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Very few people are going to admit that they feel they settled while they're still in it, as it's admitting you're making do with mediocrity instead of going for what you really want. Some people will admit it after the fact.

Maybe. But I am half a century old. I have known a whole lot of couples. And good friends and close family members tend to spill the tea. I've known plenty of people who complain about their relationships.for sure. But I really only once I my life have known a woman who wasn't very much in love on her wedding day, and I can't see how wanting someone and loving him or her issettling.

People having issues - or people wanting to help people who have issues - tend to flock to internet relationship forums.WAY more. Just IMO And observatjon.  Is this underlined? I don't know why and I can't fix it, LOL! Not trying to underscore this idea.

And women I know who have wound up miserable very often felt they just were no longer paid attention to, listened to, or were treated badly, or fell out of love and so on in the years after marriage. I have also known women who absolutely saw red flags beforehand...yet they believed they could work it out...because they were in love, and knew this was the "one." I just can't see how that's settling.

I'm sure there must be people who do it, I've heard of it...but way more frequently from the POV of people who *aren't* married or hooked up. I can't imagine an outsider observing can have more of a handle on how a person is feeling than the person him or herself does, at least not as a general observation of other people. If someone says he or she is in love can't we only take his or her word for it?

Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the definition of settling is personal. What's settling in one person's book is not settling in another's. Some people (like myself) have higher ideals and aspirations than some other people, so are less willing to compromise/settle in romance and other areas of life. And that's perfectly fine. 

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

People having issues tend to clock to the internet WAY more. Just IMO.

Definitely. The beauty of internet message boards has always been the relative anonymity - meaning you can write about things you might not tell anybody in your "real life."

[CaliforniaGirl]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

For that study, I was more pointing out that standards seemed to change with age. Women under 40 had higher standards (for dating) than those over 40. But to be sure, as the data was taken from OLD, it could just as likely be shift from the superficial (education, career, height) to more meaningful qualities.

I believe you. But did these people actually say they lowered their standards or was it an observation based on some things that really don't matter as much when people go through the stages of life? My idea of what makes a man loveable did change as I changed. I matured. Knowing all the words to every Pink.Floyd song and not having braces no longer applied. Having seriousness about a career or goal did. For example. 😁

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Definitely. The beauty of internet message boards has always been the relative anonymity - meaning you can write about things you might not tell anybody in your "real life."

But it also gives the idea that there are way more problems in practically any arena, because happy people are very often not here complaining about stuff...obviously.

I'm sure there are people who think they settled but do you think they really thought that at the time? Or are they looking back, now unhappy, saying bitter sh*t? KWIM?

[Weezy1973]

32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Some people (like myself) have higher ideals and aspirations than some other people, so are less willing to compromise/settle in romance and other areas of life. And that's perfectly fine. 

It is perfectly fine. I will point out areas of life outside of romance, namely things like career, education, hobbies etc. are generally within our control. We can set a career goal and attain it through our own hard work and competencies. 
 

Romance doesn’t work like that as our success relies on another person. If someone has a “perfect” partner in mind, it  is completely contingent on that person liking you back. And staying “perfect” over time. And you staying perfect for them over time. 
 

Spoiler alert: Perfect doesn’t exist.

[Weezy1973]

29 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I believe you. But did these people actually say they lowered their standards or was it an observation based on some things that really don't matter as much when people go through the stages of life?

These were actual preferences that people could select through the OLD site. Education, income, height requirements etc. For example women under 40 strongly preferred men with an equal education level or higher, whereas women over 40 were more flexible. Same with height.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not about "perfect". It's about "right/compatible".

[mark clemson]

I think "settling" is fine if it's settling for pretty good, not trying to force yourself to accept something awful just to have someone, anyone, etc.

My understanding is that this sort of settling is how many actual marriages, families, LTRs etc. get made.

There are only so many supermodels and handsome and alpha but-still-slightly-damaged-and-in-need-of-a-woman's-special-touch heirs to family fortunes to go around, etc...

Edited August 31, 2020 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It's not about "perfect". It's about "right/compatible".

But for some people, those are the same things. The list of compatibilities are extensive. Hobbies, sex, income, intellect, political leanings, views on cleanliness in the home, education, physical fitness, diet, dog / cat person, music, personal style, and the list could go on and on...

[Ruby Slippers]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

But for some people, those are the same things. The list of compatibilities are extensive. Hobbies, sex, income, intellect, political leanings, views on cleanliness in the home, education, physical fitness, diet, dog / cat person, music, personal style, and the list could go on and on...

But if you're compatible, all the aspects that matter will be compatible as well. For me, some of them you've listed here are inconsequential/superficial, not at all factors for me.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Woggle]

Marrying less than perfect is not settling because perfect does not exist. It makes no sense to chase something that does not exist but if you want a happy marriage you need love, commitment, attraction and respect. Those are the four pillars and without one of them the whole structure falls. Settling is marrying when you don't have one of them. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

But it also gives the idea that there are way more problems in practically any arena, because happy people are very often not here complaining about stuff...obviously.

I'm sure there are people who think they settled but do you think they really thought that at the time? Or are they looking back, now unhappy, saying bitter sh*t? KWIM?

True. But then there are people who give a lot of uplifting advice and encouragement, as I try to do, which is a very positive thing. 

I think most people in the first world who don't have to marry for resources/protection/etc. don't marry in a settling mindset. But over time they may realize they weren't discriminating enough, married for the wrong reasons (it was time, family pressure, ego reasons like making the right impression to others, etc.), and, in deciding to stick with the devil they know, end up in that state of complacency and dissatisfaction. There are tons of long-married people in this state.

[Weezy1973]

31 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

But over time they may realize they weren't discriminating enough, married for the wrong reasons (it was time, family pressure, ego reasons like making the right impression to others, etc.), and, in deciding to stick with the devil they know, end up in that state of complacency and dissatisfaction. There are tons of long-married people in this state.

I do think people likely rewrite history in this way, but in reality, at the time they were marrying the right person and there was no settling. But people do change, and often grow apart. And it’s easier on the ego to say you weren’t discerning enough at the onset vs. I’ve changed and now want different things, and yes that kind of means I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain / vows.

And perhaps there are “tons” of people who have fallen into complacency in their marriages, but I’d wager there are far more that are happy overall and accept the inevitable ups and downs that a long term relationship brings. People who are expecting constant “ups” are bound to be disappointed.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

Marrying less than perfect is not settling because perfect does not exist. It makes no sense to chase something that does not exist but if you want a happy marriage you need love, commitment, attraction and respect. Those are the four pillars and without one of them the whole structure falls. Settling is marrying when you don't have one of them. 

Bingo.

[Lotsgoingon]

  

On 8/28/2020 at 9:21 AM, QuietRiot said:

I mean, of course you don't want him to have bad hygiene and stuff....but I can see someone managing settling on someone with a little thickness to their belly and/or height. Does it seem feasible?

This is totally wrong. A person with a belly or doesn't meet my height fantasy could have charisma and smarts and energy that is off the charts. Also a perfect outside our fantasy looks could be extremely sexy. Point is--this is not settling. I could be thrilled with such a person. For me and for most folks, it's how you feel when you're with the person. 

Settling is when you really aren't that into someone and because the person walks and talks and has a job and is presentable to parents and friends--you just jump in and go! Some people seem to make that work. It doesn't work for most people, not these days. And if you go back to say our grandparents' generations, there were tons of marriages like that ... and many of them were less than inspiring. 

 

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 Settling is when you really aren't that into someone and because the person walks and talks and has a job and is presentable to parents and friends--you just jump in and go! Some people seem to make that work. It doesn't work for most people, not these days.

Yup, that would be settling, and agree that it’s pretty rare these days. I think what some people struggle with is the kind of people they’re really into, aren’t good marriage or parent material, but they want to get married and have kids. So in that case where’s the settling? Settling for a partner you’re not that into? Or settling for a life you don’t want? 

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

But over time they may realize they weren't discriminating enough, married for the wrong reasons (it was time, family pressure, ego reasons like making the right impression to others, etc.), and, in deciding to stick with the devil they know, end up in that state of complacency and dissatisfaction. There are tons of long-married people in this state.

There are probably just as many, if not more marriages where the people WERE "discriminating enough."  They believed that they had "higher aspirations" than other people, when in fact they were operating on a combo of unrealistic expectations of other people, and a lack of self awareness.  Complacency doesn't usually result.  More like "WTF was I thinking" type of thing.  In most cases that I'm personally aware of, these marriages don't end up lasting long at all.  Also, in virtually all of those cases the people involved really thought they had hit the jackpot, rather than boringly "settling."

Reality has a way of making annoying intrusions.

 

[SumGuy]

Hmmm.   Doesn’t sound like he is settling so much as moving fast.   Where he may be settling is in the friend department, if they keep giving him flak what kind of friends are those.   Friends should have your back not give you flak.  

[basil67]

On 8/29/2020 at 4:04 AM, ZA Dater said:

I'll disagree with all the posts here.

I cannot fathom the thinking involved in deciding to date someone who ticks none of your boxes on the basis 'well I am not getting any younger",

Not one of the posts here has suggested deciding to date someone who ticks none of their boxes.    

[basil67]

On 8/31/2020 at 5:32 AM, Weezy1973 said:

There was a study out of Australia that showed that women are pickier than men during their fertile years (under 40) and then men become pickier than women over 40. On average, in general etc.

Source?  Peer review?