dawn duval Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi all, It's been a long time since I've posted, so hi everyone. My husband and I broke up a year and a half ago, and the divorce was finalized a year ago. I caused the breakup because I had an affair. After that, I felt so guilty I couldn't face him and I feel like I sabotaged our attempts to work through it. In fact, while we were breaking up, I said some awful things to him to drive him away. When I think about what I said, I feel terrible about the pain I must have caused him. Lately I feel that I should contact him to apologize for cheating on him and for saying terrible things to him. I want him to know that I only said those mean things because I was freaking out, and that he really was special to me. I don't want to write him if it's only going to make him feel worse. If he's moved on and happy and getting a letter from me would bring him down, then I don't want to interfere. But if it would help, then I would like him to know how wonderful he is and how wrong I was to cheat on him and treat him badly. Should I write him or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I can't tell you whether to write him or not.. I can tell you what I would've felt if my exwife had mailed me a year after the divorce.. I would've laughed.. Only because it took me about 1.5 years to not feel any hate towards her.. She did call me after about 1.5 years on a sunday..It caught me off guard and I talked to her.. We have remained friends ever since and because of my stepdaughter we do the gift exchange on holidays and b-days today.. So it did have a positive effect on my life But she never apoligized for causing the divorce ( I divorced her ) my guess is mainly because she is bipolar and she thinks she did nothing wrong.. But I let it go.. Only you can answer your question.. There is nothing wrong with making amends.. But the timing is important Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I'd be pissed if you said I was special, even though your actions proved otherwise. Don't write him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawn duval Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 art_critic: that's great that you two became friends in the end. I never even considered that a possibility given the turmoil I caused, but I really would like that. western: come on, isn't there some way I can write him saying I know what a sh-tbag I was and I'm sorry? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 western: come on, isn't there some way I can write him saying I know what a sh-tbag I was and I'm sorry? Of course... but it's all about timing, as Art_Critic said. Just think about what you're going to say, so that it has meaning. Sincerity is what's most important. Link to post Share on other sites
legrtova Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I wouldn't try to contact him. Why bring back old pain? I too destroyed my marriage by cheating on my H and I wanted to apologize so bad....but then I realized he has been moving on without it just fine. He is re-married now and happy. I just wouldn't bring back the pain you caused....choke it up and move on your self. You caused it, you need to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I don't think it would be a good idea. What do you hope to accomplish with this? It sounds like you regret your actions and your decision, and are testing the waters for a second chance. I went through what you put your ex-husband through. I would never want to see a letter or hear a phone call from her apologizing for what she did to me. It would make me wonder what she was up to. Is she now trying to reconcile? So now that she got to "sow her wild oats" and test the free agent market, she realizes what she had? It's too little way too late. You didn't mention if there were children involved or not. If there are that would make him feel even more guilty, that he should give you another chance that you do not deserve for "the sake of the children". He knows he is a good man, and he knows you are a fool for throwing that away. He knew all along that one day you would regret your decision. He doesn't need a letter confirming that it actually happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Drivetildriven Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 You sound sincere, but at this point an apology is probably more self serving than anything, and you're the only one for whom it's gonna do any good. I wouldn't, but if you do send something, choose your words carefully. I agree with Westenxer. My ex woman sent me a birthday card a few months ago saying how "very special" I was. It pissed me off something fierce and sounded more condescending than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Your question made me think about what I'd write. I came to the same conclusion: the only reason to write an apology to someone you betrayed and won't see again would be in order to make yourself feel better. And that would be pretty obvious to him. He isn't going to think better of you no matter what you say. And he's going to wonder why you're bothering to write all of a sudden. All the decisions have been made and the time for making things better has passed. It could be that being cruel to him was the best thing for him anyway. Chances are he hates you and was able to get over it much faster, thinking that you're the one with the problem not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawn duval Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 drivetildriven - that's exactly what I'm worried about - that it would be self-serving and bad for him. I realize that "special" sounds condescending. It's just that when we broke up, he said that my cheating on him made him feel not special, like he wasn't worth much. I think about that constantly, and I want him to know that that's not it at alll. It was just me being incredibly selfish and stupid. johan - actually I kind of hope that he's reached the conclusion that I was the one with the problem, because it's true. I do hope he hates me and has moved on. But when I have flashbacks to what happened between us when we broke up, I want to reach out to him. I want to say all the things I should have said then. devildog - I still feel too much guilt for a second chance. In this case, best thing I can do is let him find someone better than me. As for me, I don't trust myself to ever be in a relationship again. I guess it makes sense that he'd wonder if I'm looking for a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 You hurt him bad, there is no doubt there. But after a year, the scars are healing if they haven't already completely healed. A letter or phone call would do nothing but tear open those old wounds again. You would only be hurting him again. Do you want to put him through the hurt again in your quest for absolution or forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Drivetildriven Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I'm not trying to come down on you but it seems like you need counseling and a little bit of maturing. That's fine to hope he's moved on but you shouldn't want anyone to hate you. You don't trust yourself? That sounds familiar. My ex woman cheated on me, we went to counseling. The therapist told her that she didn't have to cheat on me, it's a choice. My woman said, crying, that she knew but she just couldn't promise that she wouldn't do it again. I heard some other painful things, it wasn't a good day and our 3+ year relationship was basically over from that day forward. It sounds like you still don't know what you want and would probably do it again. Sending him anything is going to be way to self serving no matter what your intentions. The damage is done and like devil dog said, he probably knew you'd be sorry one day. But it's too late now and I'd advise against it. Link to post Share on other sites
Baz Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Let the poor guy be. You *****ed him up once why do it again? Stop being selfish and learn your lesson. Deep down he will be hurting very much from what you did to him. Just because he has boxed that pain up and put it out of mind it doesn't mean it doesnt exist. This is about you not being able to control your own selfish needs - which is why you got into this situation in the first place. Take your medicine girl, learn and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawn duval Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Baz - Way to kick someone when she's down and at the end of her ropes. Link to post Share on other sites
Baz Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Ok, ok... It is not your move to contact him, only he can contact you If he gets in touch with you again you can tell him then, otherwise live with it. Dont underestimate his pain DD. I promise you it is still there. Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Baz - Way to kick someone when she's down and at the end of her ropes. you'll have to excuse a lot of us here who have been cheated on. it's VERY hard for us to feel any sympathy for people that cheat, especially someone like you who made her ex feel even worse during the reconciliation. you've done some awful things and deserve to be feeling absolutely horrible right now, but this is your problem and not his. he is trying to move on with his life, let him be. if it makes you feel better, write a letter but don't send it. trust us, if you really care for your ex let him heal on his own. he will never heal fully if you are still in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Drivetildriven Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Dawn, in your defense, at least you feel regret. A lot of ex's who caused the breakup go on speeding toward the next person, with their head in the clouds and happy as a lark. I'd fall over dead if my ex regreted the bad she's done. But that regret would be meaningless if it didn't make her repent and change her ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 DD, I think it is an indiviual decision and saying that you should not call him isn't necesarily the right answer either.. I have always been the type of person that believes in Apologies. Like westy said it has to be sincere and the timing is crucial and most of all you have to not want anything out it. I always give them when I am wrong.. I even try harder when I hurt somone I cared about and I always am open to getting them.. I seem to be the rarity on this topic.. But that is who I am.. The last relationship I was in I Apologized for my behavior and it was never received well.. Oh well.. Nothing I can do about that.. But I was able to acknowledge my shortcomings and make amends.. In The AA it is one of the steps to make amends when we are wrong and have hurt someone.. Link to post Share on other sites
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