Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 I have been with my partner for four years, we own a house together and have a dog. It’s a really rewarding, loving relationship and feels like the easiest thing in the world 98% of the time. I have never wanted children, I’m just not interested in them, and it’s one of the things in my life that I’m very certain about. On our 3rd date, I spoke to my boyfriend about children and told him I never planned on having any. Since then, I’ve reiterated that fact many times and we’ve had sit down conversations where I’ve made sure that he doesn’t think I’ll magically change my mind when my ‘clock kicks in’ or something. Every time we have spoken about it, he’s said kids are not something he’s ever thought about and he’d be happy not to have any. We’ve spoken about us at 60 being childless and swanning around in Venice etc. so we have spoken about it in depth and in many ways. Today, my Mum brought it up (she has always been a little disappointed I don’t want children but also accepts that is me) and for the first time ever, my partner said he wasn’t sure if he wants kids. And that it could be nice to have them. It floored me. I spoke to him privately afterwards and he admitted he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be a father and children might be something he needs in his life. I’m not sure if it’s unreasonable to feel this way, but I feel such a sense of betrayal. I tried to explain to him that by choosing to be with me, he has a made a decision that he doesn’t want children in a sense. He can’t seem to understand why I’m so stressed about what he has said. But I don’t want to get to a point with him where he resents me for not wanting children. It’s such an important life decision to have in common and I think we really need to sort it out now, but he doesn’t really want to engage in the discussion. I just feel so sad and confused now, and I’m not sure how to approach this. Any advice would be welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 If you are as certain about not having children as you are about the sun coming up in the morning, then have yourself sterilized. Then all the drama with family and boyfriends can be avoided. I would give this careful thought before acting but you do seem very certain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 Good advice. I have actually already had an appointment to discuss tubal ligation! I am certain. I just feel like I have to discuss this with my partner now, or I guess end the relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Lucy256 said: Good advice. I have actually already had an appointment to discuss tubal ligation! I am certain. I just feel like I have to discuss this with my partner now, or I guess end the relationship. How old is your boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 He’s 30 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 12 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: How old is your boyfriend? He’s 30 and I’m 27 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Lucy256 said: He’s 30 and I’m 27 Try not to resent him for changing his mind about this. We change so much in our twenties! I'm 47 and certainly am not the same person I was at 26, which is how old he was when you first got together. I'm sure you even see differences in yourself from when you were 23. I know, easier said than done to not be resentful about it :(. I am of the belief that relationships can't work if each person is not on the same page about kids. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting kids and there's noting at all wrong with not wanting them. But it absolutely affects compatibility. Edited August 29, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Yep, we change as we grow. Sometimes a couple will change in the same directions but other times, we move apart. At 23, I was adamant that I was not going to have children. At 29, I was pregnant by choice. Not suggesting you will change your mind, but it's not unexpected that your boyfriend is reconsidering his position. I understand that you want to have the discussion now, but he may not have fully formulated his thoughts yet. If you want any chance of a future, you may have to wait till he sorts his head out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Why would your mother bring it up to him? What are you so afraid of? You can't have kids if you don't want them. Perhaps your BF was just thinking aloud. Unless you want to breakup sell your house and go through all that, you'll have to accept that this is a thought people have in your age group. Relax. It doesn't sound like he's running out the door to find a baby mama. You need to differentiate pressure from your mother and what your BF is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Nobody is going to give you a tubal ligation. You are too young & the medical community will want to give you time to change your mind. Your BF now says he's open to kids. That happens. Hence, why the medical community will never sterilize a woman in her 20s. So what that your BF changed his mind? That doesn't mean you have to change yours. He can always walk away. Yes, it's sad to think about breaking up but there are no guarantees in life anyway. One of you could die from Covid or a stray bullet in these uncertain times. Go back to your regularly scheduled childlessness & stop fretting about him questioning the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: Nobody is going to give you a tubal ligation. You are too young & the medical community will want to give you time to change your mind. Your BF now says he's open to kids. That happens. Hence, why the medical community will never sterilize a woman in her 20s. So what that your BF changed his mind? That doesn't mean you have to change yours. He can always walk away. Yes, it's sad to think about breaking up but there are no guarantees in life anyway. One of you could die from Covid or a stray bullet in these uncertain times. Go back to your regularly scheduled childlessness & stop fretting about him questioning the future. We may live in different countries, hence the difference, but I am eligible for tubal ligation. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Then get one. In the US I'd be shocked if a doctor gave you this at your young age. It's still your body & your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 9 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Try not to resent him for changing his mind about this. We change so much in our twenties! I'm 47 and certainly am not the same person I was at 26, which is how old he was when you first got together. I'm sure you even see differences in yourself from when you were 23. I know, easier said than done to not be resentful about it :(. I am of the belief that relationships can't work if each person is not on the same page about kids. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting kids and there's noting at all wrong with not wanting them. But it absolutely affects compatibility. This is really reasonable advice. I don’t resent him, it’s his right to change his mind. I agree that it really does impact how compatible we are though. It’s more sad than anything else, because it probably is one of those make or break things. I might give home some more time and then see if he wants to talk about it again and go from there. thanks for your thoughts! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Then get one. In the US I'd be shocked if a doctor gave you this at your young age. It's still your body & your choice. Yeah, I’ve heard lots of stories about people struggling to be approved, I live in Australia. I think I probably will. Would help avoid any ambiguity about having children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 7 hours ago, basil67 said: Yep, we change as we grow. Sometimes a couple will change in the same directions but other times, we move apart. At 23, I was adamant that I was not going to have children. At 29, I was pregnant by choice. Not suggesting you will change your mind, but it's not unexpected that your boyfriend is reconsidering his position. I understand that you want to have the discussion now, but he may not have fully formulated his thoughts yet. If you want any chance of a future, you may have to wait till he sorts his head out. Thanks for the advice, I think I will give him some time and space to sort out what he’s thinking. We’ll come back to it and I guess see where it goes from there. The more I think about it, the more I agree it’s not all that surprising that he has changed his mind. It’s fine that he has, I guess we just have to decide what to do with that now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Just don't let your mother or your boyfriend pressure you into having children. Just because that's what THEY want. Stick to your plan and don't allow either of them to dissuade you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 you cant force someone to not have kids.and you cant force someone to have kids. its a dealbreaker. and people that want kids really want kids and it will hunt them even when they get old. So break up if you guys have defrent view and wish. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Kids are unfortunately one of the very few, no-compromise, absolute deal-breakers in a relationship. I would say the best bet is to reiterate where you are and explain that if he decides he wants kids, then they won't be with you. Maybe give him a little time to think more about it, since those are the kinds of things you don't resolve overnight, but be firm. And good luck with your tubal ligation! I've been wanting it myself, although I'd prefer a bilat salpingectomy (supposedly more effective than a tubal ligation). Please let me know how it goes, and best of luck regardless. You sound very self-assured and in control---you're on the way to happiness no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Please don't consider having kids just for him. Stick to your principles. I think it's great that you know what you want and you aren't bending to outside pressure. I'm in the same boat as you... I'm a woman who decided that I do not want kids, and I couldn't be happier with my choice. There are so many other things that you can put your time and energy into, so much good that you can do in the world. He must know that you're sure you don't want kids. So for him to say what he said...... what is he really saying? That he might want to break up and be with someone else who wants kids? I'd wonder about that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 You could waste a lot of time here with you waiting for him to change his mind and him waiting for you to change your mind... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 There are a few doctors that will perform a tubal ligation on people in their 20s. If you go on reddit, and visit r/childfree you can find that list. I know most doctors are from the USA so not sure about international options. But figured Id pass that info on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 I know you know what you want but so did your bf but at thirty he is having second thoughts. A tubal ligation is a big decision and it is not to be made on a whim to prove a point. "See I definitely do not want kids..." Reversal is difficult and may be "impossible" with some tubal procedures. If I were you I would wait before making such a decision, you are only 27, lots of life to live yet. You don't even have a permanent relationship yet. I knew a girl at work who spent her 20s being pretty vocal about not wanting kids. Career was all she wanted, didn't even like kids. Early thirties she met a great man and was persuaded to have one, only one.... But she then realised she loved it and was a natural earth mother type, 4 kids later... Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 14 hours ago, schlumpy said: If you are as certain about not having children as you are about the sun coming up in the morning, then have yourself sterilized. Then all the drama with family and boyfriends can be avoided. I would give this careful thought before acting but you do seem very certain. ^^^^ YES, again, GREAT ADVICE!!!! If you are sure of what you want make it happen. Once done, it is done and no turning back..... Changing your mind can be very expensive with no guarantees, but just don't go there... I'm a bloke, had it done (no kids) in my first marriage (looking back, I knew what I wanted, my ex did not)…. Once done the ex was gone, best thing eva!! (this was not the only issue) Every relationship after, it has been off the table early, not ever going to happen. Best thing I eva done. Freedom is great!!! Take your 18yrs of working on the plantation and stick it!!! I think you can relate to that... 3 hours ago, Lucy256 said: Yeah, I’ve heard lots of stories about people struggling to be approved, I live in Australia. I think I probably will. When I landed in Australia and told (when the topic came up) my co-workers, they were shocked that I could have it done with no kids... Maybe times have changed... 3 hours ago, Lucy256 said: The more I think about it, the more I agree it’s not all that surprising that he has changed his mind. It’s fine that he has, I guess we just have to decide what to do with that now This is the rare times I side with the feminist's. This is YOUR choice, do as YOU want.... Goes for the blokes also really... People grow, people change. Don't do anything you feel unsure of, know yourself and limit other's influences around you. If you get your tubes tied he has no choice, he will not be saying 20-30yrs from now, we should of... I am very Pro-Choice on this.... Ummm…. What does this have to do with him??? Nothing, It's only YOU.... Same as, he had your feelings and you had his.... 1 hour ago, Pumaza said: ….you cant force someone to have kids. That is totally incorrect. Entrapment is alive and well..... The female is the gate keeper and decides. Try as hard as you can , the longer you hang around, the greater the chance you will slip up.... (+ other ways and means, we will not get into here) Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) I would also wait to make my decision too. After his second child was born, my brother went to the doctor to ask for a vasectomy. Doc said “are you sure?” My brother said, absolutely. Well, let’s just say that a few years, and another surgery costing a few thousand dollars later... I have the most adorable three year old niece! It turns out, he changed his mind. His wife was done, but he changed his mind... and the rest is history. None of us can imagine life without this little sweetheart now. Our family simply was not complete until she arrived. I respect the decision not to have children. But, you simply can’t always know in your twenties what you will want for your life in your thirties and forties... I know people who married partners who did not want children and changed their mind (and divorced). I know people who were adamant that they never wanted to be a parent, and changed their mind only to have two children, a dog, and a minivan. As someone who doesn’t have children, I will say that you miss out on so much. You don’t think you will, because when you are young you assume that your friendships will always be close and the world is full of adventure. But, your friends who were once such a big part of your life are now not available because they are enjoying their families. Or better yet, you get together but all they talk about are diapers, preschool, their children’s sport, etc... You will find, you have little in common. Your parents will die, and the life that you once knew will be no more. Again, maybe that’s ok with you and you plan to travel the world and grow old with your partner. But, I would suggest that you leave your options open because you just don’t know what you don’t know at this age... Edited August 29, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 9 hours ago, Lucy256 said: Thanks for the advice, I think I will give him some time and space to sort out what he’s thinking. We’ll come back to it and I guess see where it goes from there. The more I think about it, the more I agree it’s not all that surprising that he has changed his mind. It’s fine that he has, I guess we just have to decide what to do with that now Well, you don't know that he's changed his mind. He bandied the idea around. And he wasn't even the one who brought it up. Don't jump to break up with him. That seems unreasonable to me. Toss it all away? Because of one stray thought he considered? You sure you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? That you're not the one having second thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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