d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Lucy I agree you were blindsided. That is unnerving because you thought you had things figured out. I'm still not on board with a woman under 30 getting her tubes tied. It's irreversible. I never craved kids but I was sorta open to the idea. As I got closer & closer to not being able to have them I was sad about what I missed & remain terrified that I will die alone in pain with no-one to advocate for me but that selfishness was never a good reason to have kids. Your life is yours. That said, if you are done with your guy over his change of heart you will need to deal with the practical reality of what to do with the house you own together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 Huge thank you to everyone who took the time to reply! It’s been really good to read everyone’s perspectives, even those I don’t agree with, as it’s helped me crystallise what I feel and think about the situation and how I want to proceed. So thanks to everyone I appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 11 minutes ago, Lucy256 said: I really am grateful for the replies, but this isn’t really resonating with me. Because it doesn't suit your narrative, the one where you get a tubal ligation and your bf agrees not to have any kids... happy ever after... BUT there is now a big fly in the ointment... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Because it doesn't suit your narrative, the one where you get a tubal ligation and your bf agrees not to have any kids... happy ever after... BUT there is now a big fly in the ointment... That’s not why, it’s more because the advice from that person has been a little inconsistent. Certainly, my ideal outcome would be for my partner to not change his mind on having children, but that may not be reality. Which is okay. He hasn’t said either way. My original question was how to get to the bottom of it, and approach it with him. I think I’ve gotten some great perspectives and advice and I’m much more confident on how I want to go forward now Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes there are women out there with no kids but many are a bit messed up, either they are women who were infertile and have gone down an agonising fertility route or they are the doting aunties to other people's kids, or they are women who are just as obsessed with their pets, ie the surrogate kids... Kids are a huge deal in most people's lives. This is not at all true (more married couples than ever are choosing to not have children) and also a little offensive. Being childfree is a totally valid and normal choice, and it's shameful to try to make the OP feel bad about it. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 There are no guarantees in life. He could change his mind about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, lana-banana said: This is not at all true (more married couples than ever are choosing to not have children) and also a little offensive. Being childfree is a totally valid and normal choice, and it's shameful to try to make the OP feel bad about it. Too right! It’s a very normal and valid decision. I do find that occasionally some people who have children can be oddly defensive about the fact they did and look down on women who have chosen a different route. It’s okay, that’s a ‘them problem’ not my problem haha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 I don't have children... never wanted them, but...there are definite downsides to being a childless woman, which may not be apparent when you are in your twenties... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy256 Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: I don't have children... never wanted them, but...there are definite downsides to being a childless woman, which may not be apparent when you are in your twenties... There are upsides and downsides to every decision. It’s not about that, it’s about what suits you best as a person. I know that not having kids is best for me, and I respect having children is the best for some others. It’s about building a life that works for you, and everyone’s ideal life will look different 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes there are women out there with no kids but many are a bit messed up, either they are women who were infertile and have gone down an agonising fertility route or they are the doting aunties to other people's kids, or they are women who are just as obsessed with their pets, ie the surrogate kids... Kids are a huge deal in most people's lives. Also a lot are now getting divorced in their fifties, so that life long partner may not stick around, leaving a woman pretty isolated, no kids, no family (dead or dying or distracted by their own kids). and few friends... I am a woman who has chosen not to have kids and is perfectly happy with my choice, and I take offense to this. These opinions are just judgmental and outdated. There is nothing wrong with a woman choosing not to have kids, and it doesn't necessarily mean that there's "something wrong" or that she's going to end up isolated with no family and friends. I suggest you think a bit more before you speak/type. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Pressuring a woman to have kids, or telling her "you'll change your mind" is just not cool. It is outdated, judgmental, old-fashioned, and frankly sexist. How dare anyone treat a woman like she doesn't know what she wants or can't make her own choice. Join the 21st century, please. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 19 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Pressuring a woman to have kids, or telling her "you'll change your mind" is just not cool. It is outdated, judgmental, old-fashioned, and frankly sexist. How dare anyone treat a woman like she doesn't know what she wants or can't make her own choice. Join the 21st century, please. I wasn't trying to pressure anyone to have kids. All I said was don't make an irrevocable choice at a young age. There are ways to prevent pregnancy that do not involve surgery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 4 hours ago, Lucy256 said: But I’m not sure it’s helpful, or reasonable, to proclaim he definitely wants kids when he has said he isn’t sure himself. Yeah, and it is wonderful that you are (updating, and double-checking) the status of a BIG potential factor in your shared relationship. But it would be easier if we were trying to establish his IQ, or his math abilities, for some future reason. My vibe is that because nobody can know how somebody else's feelings will evolve... and that all are in agreement that a person's feelings on THIS subject ARE allowed to evolve... it probably wouldn't be wise for you to (write-off the kid-less future that YOU envision with this boyfriend) merely because his feelings are on 9/1/2020 evolving (even slowly and without clarity as of yet). I mean, if we keep going with Covid... at 25% global increases in cases with every THREE weeks that pass... the thing could eventually wipe out most of the planet. Then, potentially, when you, your boyfriend, and the few others who remain, intuitively flock to Boulder, Colorado (where all survivors will meet, don't forget)... the whole stance on reproduction might take on much greater meaning. Short of that... if the rest of your relationship is fabu, then it is probable that you don't have any concerns about his yearning for kids. *** I should note that there was a quite-recent thread from someone who had just recently broken-up over nothing more than this same issue... and it was so unique to contemplate based on her posts. (a central consideration having been "(usually there's a big, blowout fight over a decisive issue, leaving each glad to part in the near-term... but her sort of a break-up was absent that, making it quite unique to get over, emotionally)" Link to post Share on other sites
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