Nova28 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) I have been seeing a guy for 3-4 months. At first he agreed to be in a relationship but then after about a month and a half said even though hes falling in love with me, he isnt ready for a relationship but said we can continue seeing each other. I said I will only continue seeing you if we are exclusive as in you are not seeing other women. He agreed. After a fight we had last week, he told me he is in fact talking to other women but he isnt "seeing them". By "talking to" I mean he is on tinder, matching with girls and DMing them. I cried and told him we are supposed to be exclusive, he isnt supposed to be talking to other women on dating sites. He said he thought I was talking to other guys too and he thought being exclusive just meant not sleeping with other people. Since the fight, he has been texting me less. I havent heard from him for 2 days. The confusing part is at the end of the fight, I said "I dont even want to talk to other people!" He said "I dont want to either!" Then we hugged and made up. However, these past 2-3 fridays & saturdays he has been hanging out with his "friends" who he said were guy friends but now I'm not so sure of that. He will see me during the week like on a Tuesday or Thursday but this has only been happening recently because before, we would hang out on the weekends. It started changing when I brought up the exclusive talk again. He used to be so affectionate, saying sweet things to me. Now he treats me like a friend, except when we cuddle or kiss he will still hold me tight and be passionate and cuddle for hours. Then he goes back to being cold. Should I text him first or wait for him to text me? Should I just walk away from this? I need a game plan. I am so confused. Edited August 29, 2020 by Nova28 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 6 hours ago, Nova28 said: Should I text him first or wait for him to text me? Should I just walk away from this? I need a game plan. I am so confused. Yes, you should walk away. You should've already done so when he backtracked on wanting a relationship. There is no game plan. Unfortunately, he's not into you the way you are in to him. He's positioning you as his filler during the week while he likely does go out with other women on the weekends. At the very least, you know he is looking around. He's not trying to take things further with you. Time to let go of him, or you're in for more heartache. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 He's playing you. Walk away and hold your head high. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 I’m sorry. I’m sure this hurts. But walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 NEVER stick around with a guy who says he does not want a relationship with you. He won't change his mind and by accepting it you encourage him to keep swiping and meeting other women. Why would he stop? You have essentially said it is OK. Walk away. He doesn't see you as relationship material, sorry too say. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Get out as soon as you can. Then answer the question as to why you tried to make something out of nothing. Learn and then move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Sorry to hear that. He's stringing you along. At some level you know that. Stop chasing him. He's very slippery and agrees to your talks when he wants sex, then goes back to ignoring you Don't settle for FWB and hookups if you really want a relationship. End it and your headaches with this clown will be over. The sooner you cut your loses the sooner you can find a real BF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 Ok so more details on this - Tuesday night we were in his car driving home from his buddies house, we got into a fight about him talking to other girls on tinder. I started crying because he was acting like it was no big deal and wouldnt answer me when I kept asking if hes planning on hanging out with them. Finally, he screams "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!" (meaning me and him) which was a blow to my heart since we were in a relationship and he used to act so loving towards me. He said "I think you should go home." I said "Can we please talk about this?" We park, talk some more, go into his backyard where I said "I dont even want to talk to anyone else." he said "I dont want to either!" a direct contradiction to what he has been saying/doing. We make up, go to sleep, wake up & we have sex. This is where he starts acting super affectionate, pulling me closer to him tight and cuddling me for HOURS. I leave and we are both smiling and laughing, on good terms again - because as far as I was concerned, we were still exclusive and I made the terms more clear to him, to which he said "I didnt know thats what exclusive meant." But, now its Saturday at 5:30 PM and I havent heard from him since I left wednesday morning. He has been active on his instagram but not texted me. I honestly think he went out with another girl friday because he wouldnt answer me about planning on seeing whoever hes talking to, but I cant know for sure. So at this point, SHOULD I text him and ask him how hes doing? OR should I not text him ever again and block him on everything come monday if I havent heard from him? OR should I send him a kiss-off text saying we're on two different pages goodbye forever? He is usually the one to text me first. But I dont want him to say, well you could have texted me and then you just went and blocked me on everything? Isnt that passive aggressive? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Nova28 said: Finally, he screams "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!" (meaning me and him) which was a blow to my heart since we were in a relationship and he used to act so loving towards me. He said "I think you should go home." Sorry to hear that. Don't accept disrespect like this. Delete and block him asap 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 Ok...some people are telling me that I'm being too demanding and unrealistic to expect a guy to commit to a relationship in 3-4 months. but we already were in a relationship and it completely went backwards into this situationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 29, 2020 Author Share Posted August 29, 2020 Wow...he just texted me saying, "How did your AC situation turn out?" cuz my AC unit was broken....I am so tired of being confused. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) Oh, Nova. You need to forget this guy. He doesn’t want to be exclusive with the you. No amount of crying, talking, negotiating or sex is going to make him change his mind. He tried it, then demoted you to FWB. He’s totally full of crap when he says he’s not talking to other girls. You already know he is, and if he’s on Tinder you can be almost sure he’s doing more than talking. You are the filler. Gather up your dignity and stop volunteering to fill this role. If you are looking for a boyfriend, you need to keep moving. This guy is not it, and if you stick around, you are going to get even more hurt when he stops sleeping with you because he’s started dating someone else. The senseless text about your AC is just his opening line because he can’t exactly come right out and say, “Hey, it’s been a few days but want to have sex?” That’s all he’s after here, unfortunately. Edited August 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 11 minutes ago, Nova28 said: we already were in a relationship and it completely went backwards into this situationship. That is where this should’ve ended. Never, ever hang around and let yourself be downgraded like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 Nova I'm sorry but he's made his choice. He's on Tinder most likely is going out on dates with those women. You're just another "option" to him now. He treats you like a friend, then when he's horny, makes his passionate moves on you. He's totally manipulating you at this point, telling you one thing, but doing another. Never judge a person by what they tell you, just by what they show you. He's shown you for a while now, that you are no longer a priority. He asked you about your AC, to keep you emotionally hooked. He's keeping you teetering by sending you breadcrumbing texts, to keep you hooked. Yet he has no intention of pursuing an exclusive relationship with you as his actions have shown you. You have to decide how much more of this game playing you are willing to put up with from him. Because he's not being mature. He's not treating you with respect. And he's certainly not interested in being honest with you about all those Tinder women he's probably been dating behind your back for a while now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 I agree that when he at first agreed he wanted an actual relationship with you but then took it back was the biggest red flag waving around the exit sign. When a partner does this, it means he/she is not likely to commit and just really wants someone (and others) for sex. His ignorance about the word exclusive does not sound honest on his part and is just telling you what you want to hear so you will continue things the way they are with him hence his contradictory statements and his random "caring" text about your broken air conditioner. You deserve to have the type of relationship you want and shouldn't have to stand for what is going on now with him talking to and possibly seeing these other women from Tinder. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 The only confusing part is why you are putting up with this? You want him to be something he refuses to be: kind. He's never going to be exclusive with you. He's actively looking for your replament 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted August 29, 2020 Share Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he is a plate spinner. That's what popular, desirable dudes do nowadays. It's just too easy with the way the dating apps work for them. I'm not saying you should only reach out to unpopular and undesirable guys, but be realistic about who you try to form a longer term relationship with. Edited August 29, 2020 by Zona Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 He has told you loud and clear so many times that he is just not that into you. He's not interested in being in a real relationship with you. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Stop putting yourself in this position of having to beg him to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Share Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) I sent him a text that said "I cant keep doing this to myself. You said you're talking to other women & wouldnt answer me when I kept asking if youre planning on hanging out with them. I am just fooling myself by hoping your feelings for me will come back, its pathetic. Its not that you dont want a relationship with anyone, you just dont want to be with me. So Im going to have to block you on everything in order to finally move on from this." He quickly read it and responded with "I did answer but okay" I replied, "So are you going to continue talking to other women & hanging out with them?" He read it and hasn't responded. It has been 40 minutes. I honestly dont know what he meant by he did answer. He was silent when I asked him that in the car. Unless he is referring to the backyard conversation when we made up, but he never specifically answered that because his idea of "seeing" and "hanging out" with other women are apparently two different things. Is he just playing semantics with me? Or does he think we already clarified not talking to other women? Edited August 30, 2020 by Nova28 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 Don't make empty threats to manipulate him. If his feelings aren't there, walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Share Posted August 30, 2020 I was fully ready to block him and walk away but his response has once again confused me Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 Only you can decide if you want to be on a string in his yo-yo game. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Only you can decide if you want to be on a string in his yo-yo game. Agree with you Wiseman2. Nova, why are you hanging on to this guy when he has told you he doesn't want to be exclusive with you. It was a mistake to try to engage him in a conversation via text. There was nothing confusing about his text response. He is simply ignoring you because he's fed up. 18 minutes ago, Nova28 said: I was fully ready to block him and walk away but his response has once again confused me No, you weren't fully ready to block him or you just would have done that. For some reason (loneliness, insecurity, I don't know) you refuse to accept reality here: he doesn't want to be exclusive with you. Stop chasing him. Stop pestering him. Stop trying to make him feel guilty. He has rejected you over and over and over and you STILL won't leave him alone. At some point, you have to accept reality and move on. That's part of dating. Rejection. It hurts but its only as temporary as you let it be. The more time you waste on the wrong guys -- like this guy -- the worse situations you create for yourself. Edited August 30, 2020 by Watercolors 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nova28 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Share Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) But he DID agree to be exclusive, we had a conversation clarifying it in the backyard. He said "I didnt know thats what it meant, I thought it just meant not sleeping with other people." The confusion I experienced was him not answering me when I asked him if he is planning on seeing other women in the car. But that morning when I left, we were still "exclusive" upon agreement. He then didnt text me for 2 days until now about my AC unit. I have been stewing on our conversation in the car this whole time because I didnt know if he is still talking to other women or hanging out with them as friends. Because "seeing" and "hanging out with" are two different things to him so I wanted clarity on it, hence the text I sent him. So I guess I ruined this by texting him that tonight? If he never responds, I guess thats my answer and he was just going to move on anyway? Edited August 30, 2020 by Nova28 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 30, 2020 Share Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) Do you mind me asking you, how old are you and he? Because it doesn't seem like either of you are behaving very maturely here. How can you agree to be exclusive if he's actively dating on Tinder? And he told you he wants to back peddle on exclusivity with you? 10 minutes ago, Nova28 said: The confusion I experienced was him not answering me when I asked him if he is planning on seeing other women in the car. But that morning when I left, we were still "exclusive" upon agreement. Nova, I'm really sorry but he is really jerking you around. You need to walk away from this guy. He is bad news for you. If you were in a functional healthy relationship, you wouldn't be constantly trying to interpret his behavior all the time. He would not be misleading you the way he is right now. What did you two decide "exclusive" means with each other? 10 minutes ago, Nova28 said: He said "I didnt know thats what it meant, I thought it just meant sleeping with other people. So, he claims not to know what 'exclusive' means in a relationship? Are you serious, Nova? I don't mean to sound harsh with you. But c'mon! Maybe if he was 14 years old. But if he's in his 20s, he knows exactly what exclusivity means. Edited August 30, 2020 by Watercolors 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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