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Hes not committing, its making me miserable?


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1 minute ago, Nova28 said:

But he DID agree to be exclusive, we had a conversation clarifying it in the backyard. He said "I didnt know thats what it meant, I thought it just meant sleeping with other people." The confusion I experienced was him not answering me when I asked him if he is planning on seeing other women in the car. But that morning when I left, we were still "exclusive" upon agreement. 

He then didnt text me for 2 days until now about my AC unit. I have been stewing on our conversation in the car this whole time because I didnt know if he is still talking to other women or hanging out with them as friends. Because "seeing" and "hanging out with" are two different things to him so I wanted clarity on it, hence the text I sent him. 

If he liked you as much as you liked him, he wouldn't have felt the need to "see" or "hang out with" or "talk to" other women, and he certainly wouldn't have wanted you to feel emotionally tortured and uncertain about things. 

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Acacia98 is correct. He wouldn't have told you he wants to back off from being exclusive with you like he did, then go on Tinder, then tell you that he didn't realize your definition of exclusivity meant that he can't date or sleep with other women, if he liked you as much as you like him. 

 

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we are 28. I know this sounds confusing, but after our break up a few weeks had passed and we decided to see each other again as friends. We ended up behaving like a couple again, but before I slept with him again I said I know you dont want to be in a relationship right now but if we are going to have sex then we need to be exclusive. He said "What does that mean?" I said "Not sleeping with other people." I guess I should have been more clear. 

A couple weeks passed and I realized he was still on tinder. Thats when the fight happened. He said he didnt know he wasnt supposed to be talking to other women and he said he thought I still was too. Thats when I said "are you planning on seeing the women youre talking to?" He didnt respond. We continued talking to which he then said "I dont want to either" about talking to other people. I was confused though because he makes a difference between hanging out or talking to tinder girls as just friends or seeing other people. So when I texted him tonight I specifically said "hanging out with other women." & he said "I did answer but okay"
 

He still hasnt texted me back.

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ExpatInItaly

Nova, you’re 28. 

Surely by now you can tell the difference between a man who wants to be with you, and one who doesn’t. This one is the latter. You should never need to cry, negotiate or bargain this much to get a man to be with you. 

You’re making yourself look desperate here. But get clear with yourself on one thing: you didn’t ruin anything with your last text. Why? Because there’s really nothing left to ruin, unless you just wanted to continue having sex with him while he looks for your replacement. That’s all this is amounting to but you seem to be in quite a lot of denial about that. He isn’t going to become your boyfriend again and it’s best you start accepting that. It doesn’t matter how far you split the hair between “talking to” or “hanging out” with women - the end result is the same. He is looking for someone else. 

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but where the heck is your self-respect? Do you have much experience with dating?

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Honestly, he was so hot and cold, making excuses all along the way. I agree I should have cut it off the first time but you should have heard the way he was talking to me about how in love he was with me. He blamed personal issues on why he would suddenly become cold. I stuck by his side trying to accommodate him as a good girlfriend or friend, hoping he would come back around every time. Usually, he did. This time, he has incorporated tinder & other women into the mix.

I do have enough self respect to walk away when this happens. I was just covering my bases because Im the type of person that needs closure by talking it out, otherwise it'll eat me alive a few weeks from now. Deep down in my gut, I knew I was going to lose him anyway. Unfortunately, while he rides off into the sunset with another woman, I wont be dating because I am moving in a couple months and that would be pointless to me. I guess this means I will have a lot of time to work on myself and never allow a man to treat me like this again.

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healing light

Please look up the definition of gaslighting and how it applies to this man. You're confused because he's a gaslighter who spins words and plays ignorant on your agreements when it suits him. Not knowing what exclusive means as a 28-year-old so you won't dump him (ie consistent sex) and he can still have his cake and eat it too? Please. 

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Use this time to focus on your upcoming move. Distract yourself with everything you need to get in order for this move, no matter what that is. 

And do not pin your self-worth or value on what HE thinks of you, either. Be able to still have confidence in yourself and feel great about who you are, and what you have to offer men as a relationship partner. The absolute worst thing you can do is obsess about his rejection of you for the second time now, b/c its all smoke and mirrors in the end. He rejected you. It hurts. You will heal only if you choose to stop obsessing about it not working out. 

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On 8/28/2020 at 6:31 PM, Nova28 said:

He's not inter

You need to just move on with your life. I think you need to really realize he's just not that into you. When someone is really interested in someone, they are not going to take risks that could compromise the future of the relationship. For example see other people, in early stages of dating I can understand talking to other people. Early stages being the first 2-6 weeks and it's still just casual dating. Typically by that point they have a decent idea of whether or not you're a keeper. They are also either getting emotionally invested or are not. If a person is getting emotionally invested they will not take risks. Even if he is emotionally invested and likes you, is this really the type of guy you want a relationship with? Someone who's constantly looking at the grass on the other side of the fence? You can do better and you deserve better.

There are some exceptions, but those exceptions do not apply to dating. The exceptions being a friend, in which the friendship is strictly platonic. Then in those cases it's reasonable for them to be dating other people. Now if the friendship ever starts to cross the boundary of being a platonic friendship, then talking to other people becomes a risk. The only other area where an exception might come into play would be if the person has mental illnesses, but that is another topic entirely.

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You know the answer to your misery. Being demoted to FWB isn't working for you.

Once you end it. You'll feel better, get out of the haze and be free to pursue a real relationship.

And yes, read the book 📚 He's Just Not That Into You

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 hours ago, Nova28 said:

Before I slept with him again I said I know you dont want to be in a relationship right now but if we are going to have sex then we need to be exclusive.

Why would you even do this to yourself? You wanted to be in a relationship. So the minute he opted out, you should have done so too. What are the odds that somebody who doesn't want a relationship is going to want to have exclusive sex? I mean, exclusivity is still some sort of commitment. And you're not some random woman he can have sex with and shut out of his mind. You're a woman who has developed an emotional attachment to him and wants more.

Please stop tossing what you want out the window in the name of being accommodating and loving. You cannot really love and respect someone if you don't love and respect yourself in your dealings with that person.

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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, Nova28 said:

I agree I should have cut it off the first time but you should have heard the way he was talking to me about how in love he was with me.

This was after how many weeks or months of dating? 6 weeks? Girl, no man is so in love with you after a month and a half. You barely know each other at that point. 

Let this be a important lesson to not fall for sweet words when the actions don't match. Your player-detector is broken. 

 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Seems to me he is doing what he is doing and you are jerking yourself around trying to be OK with it.

Hot and cold is NEVER a good sign. Hot and cold can also be a precursor to addictive type behaviour. Google "intermittent reinforcement".
He's hot, "OMG it is wonderful, the best", you are flying high, but then he is cold and you are starving for that fix.
He is hot again you are soooo relieved, you get your fix and all is well, then he is cold and again you are distraught...
On and on and on...
All the time you are being programmed.
You NEED that fix and will do almost anything to get it and be back warm and cosy again.
You have abandoned your principles to get this guy on side and he now doesn't really care a damn.
Forget the warm words, they meant absolutely nothing. He was merely trying to keep you available to him
Women are suckers for the L word, but the L word without positive action means absolutely  zilch.
He loves you soo much but yet he doesn't want to be with you and he can not give up his other women... Yeah sure.

You cannot make people do what you want, they have their own path and no matter how many talks you have, no matter how many tears you shed or how many strategies you concoct to try to force then to do the "right" thing, they do what they want anyway.
You are now a reluctant fwb, if that doesn't suit you, then you need to walk away...

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10 hours ago, Nova28 said:

I was fully ready to block him and walk away but his response has once again confused me

And that is why he answered the way he did.

NOVA do have an ally? Do have best friend that will listen to you when all she want's to do is shake some sense into you? Ask her for help. If that BFF does not exist then get into therapy. You need to find someone you trust and respect and then borrow their will power to keep yourself safe.

You are being manipulated and used. There is just is no other way to look at this. He is a user when he should be your protector.

I believe that every person on this thread wants to help you. Borrow our combined willpower and shut this guy down. 

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13 hours ago, Nova28 said:

So I guess I ruined this by texting him that tonight? 

You didn't ruin this.  He ruined it by activity chasing other women after giving lip service to you about being exclusive.   

You picked the worse method to raise this.  Never ever try to address serious or emotional issues over text.  90% of communication is non-verbal.  You give all that up when you use text. 

 

12 hours ago, Nova28 said:

He still hasnt texted me back.

And he's not going to because he doesn't care. 

 

11 hours ago, Nova28 said:

I do have enough self respect to walk away when this happens. I was just covering my bases because Im the type of person that needs closure by talking it out, otherwise it'll eat me alive a few weeks from now. 

Closure comes from within, not the other person.  All the talking in the world would not change this outcome.  Be the person you claim to be -- one with self respect & just be done.  You threatened to block him in that text.  Now you have  to do just that.  If you don't, he will know you make empty threats & he can further manipulate you.  

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The logical step is to dump, block, delete. Your happiness will return after you send the trash to the curb. 

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CaliforniaGirl
On 8/29/2020 at 2:31 PM, Nova28 said:

Ok so more details on this - Tuesday night we were in his car driving home from his buddies house, we got into a fight about him talking to other girls on tinder. I started crying because he was acting like it was no big deal and wouldnt answer me when I kept asking if hes planning on hanging out with them. Finally, he screams "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!" (meaning me and him) which was a blow to my heart since we were in a relationship and he used to act so loving towards me. He said "I think you should go home." I said "Can we please talk about this?"

We park, talk some more, go into his backyard where I said "I dont even want to talk to anyone else." he said "I dont want to either!" a direct contradiction to what he has been saying/doing. We make up, go to sleep, wake up & we have sex. This is where he starts acting super affectionate, pulling me closer to him tight and cuddling me for HOURS. I leave and we are both smiling and laughing, on good terms again - because as far as I was concerned, we were still exclusive and I made the terms more clear to him, to which he said "I didnt know thats what exclusive meant." 

But, now its Saturday at 5:30 PM and I havent heard from him since I left wednesday morning. He has been active on his instagram but not texted me. I honestly think he went out with another girl friday because he wouldnt answer me about planning on seeing whoever hes talking to, but I cant know for sure. So at this point, SHOULD I text him and ask him how hes doing? OR should I not text him ever again and block him on everything come monday if I havent heard from him? OR should I send him a kiss-off text saying we're on two different pages goodbye forever?

He is usually the one to text me first. But I dont want him to say, well you could have texted me and then you just went and blocked me on everything? Isnt that passive aggressive?

He cuddled you for hours because now he knows what to do to keep you around for sex: give indications that he adores you long enough to get the sex, then date other girls and then when he's horny again, call you and ask to cuddle. Then ignore you again...all with the backup of "you KNEW we weren't exclusive" later on.

Dump this nozzle! He can cuddle affectionately with his hand from now on for all you should care.

Edited by CaliforniaGirl
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He texted me finally at 10:30 pm and he wrote me a long message saying how he "cares about me but doesnt want to be in a relationship and enjoys learning more about himself and others and enjoying the company of others." Wow what a stupid way of saying yeah Im gonna date other girls so what. I sent him one last text basically saying hes a bullsh**ter and that I am not going to see him again (said it in a more eloquent way). Then he said "Ok I know you will find a better man, so move on and i wish you the best." Um ok? So I blocked him on everything. Cool. What a freakin tool. 

I feel relieved that this is over, but my god, it has been a rollar coaster for 4 months. At the end he was acting like some holy saint about how he cares about me but just cant deal with this right now and how the company of other women is innocent. Please. Makes me want to gag. 

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ExpatInItaly

He's certainly not innocent and could have been a more stand-up guy and not come back to you for sex after he'd changed his mind about relationship. 

It's important to take some personal accountability here too, though. When a guy backs out of a relationship this early on, don't stick around. It doesn't matter why he tells you he doesn't want a relationship anymore - you walk. Don't be there to be understanding or loving if he tells you he's just stressed; it's usually an excuse. 

Anyway,  now you can be totally done with him. He finally told you what he should have said the first time, which is that he is going to see others and you would be best to move on from him. Block/delete so you won't be tempted to reach out. 

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7 hours ago, Nova28 said:

he "cares about me but doesnt want to be in a relationship and enjoys learning more about himself and others and enjoying the company of others."

And that is what "not ready for a relationship" means.
He told you that at 6 weeks and that was your cue to leave.
Instead you tried to fit a round peg into a square hole and made yourself miserable...
People who love you want to be with you, they never tell you they do not want a relationship, they act interested.
It is not in their best interests to make you miserable, they don't want to lose you.
Never again accept hot and cold and lukewarm...

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Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Never negotiate from a position of desperation. Decide what you want and stay true to that.

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On 8/28/2020 at 9:31 PM, Nova28 said:

Should I just walk away from this?

The fact that you ask this tells me you know exactly what you should do, but don't want to take responsibility for doing what is in your best interests.

Of course you should walk from this. He lied to you... why?  BECAUSE HE ISN'T INVESTED IN YOU.  He didn't care that he wasn't being honest with you. If he was, that tinder account would be shut down by now and you wouldn't be wondering about where he stood.

And he knows damb well what being exclusive means... and if he's cool with you talking to other guys, that means he's not interested in being exclusive and/or committed to you. 

You now know exactly where he stands and what he will do---it's time for you to jump off.

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The cure for this is  🦉🦇🥬 Kidding.

Actually, it's not wanting those who don't want us. It's not investing in those who do not invest in us. 

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I havent been able to sleep this whole week due to the stress of this and especially these last few days after the break up. Is this a normal part of the grieving process?

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26 minutes ago, Nova28 said:

I havent been able to sleep this whole week due to the stress of this and especially these last few days after the break up. Is this a normal part of the grieving process?

Yes. Everyone's body reacts differently to emotional stress. When I had a bad breakup with a guy, I had diarrhea for about a week after the breakup. My gut is super sensitive to stress. So, your insomnia is par for the course for the way your body processes emotional stress. Try to counteract it by changing your night time routine around. Your insomnia will disappear once you are more emotionally healed/grounded about this stressful experience. 

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