Does he just need space?

[CranberryLeanne]

I have scoured the internet, however every subject that even comes close to my situation is talking about an ex that has just broken up with the person, or a long term relationship.

I’ve been seeing this guy for just over 5 months. It doesnt sound long but we have gotten really close,  and it has been going really well. He has said to me that he really wants this to go somewhere and I feel the same.

Due to lockdown, and places not being open, he has always come round mine and we just hang out, enjoy spending time together, and the relationship has extended to sex, and that has also been really good. Due to being self employed he was struggling to find work during lockdown, and he is a very sociable person so struggled not seeing his friends. He has obviously been a lot busier since lockdown has relaxed being able to get work and catching up with friends, so I have seen him less.

I text him asking when I was seeing him next about 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to send him my rotas so he could see when he could make something work. 3 days later he still hadn't let me know a day so I text him again just asking again when i would be seeing him. He replied saying he wasn't sure as he was really busy all weekend with work and it was his best friends birthday so he was seeing him. I then text him later that night saying that I did really like him and enjoy spending time with him but didn't feel there was any urgency to see me, and that if this was to work/progress i felt we needed to find a balance that would work for both of us post lockdown, and asked how he was feeling about it.

I got a very angry response back about how i was accusing him of not making effort and how he always had to come to me and i had made no effort to meet him half way. He also asked me to think about whether i thought he was right for me. I replied saying I didn't realise the journey to mine bothered him and i was more than happy to meet him half way somewhere. His response was that it was funny how it took this for me to start making an effort.

Anyway, it has been nearly 2 weeks since I sent that message and I have been pretty much ignored ever since, other than a couple of angry responses to messages where I have just asked if he could let me know if he just wants some space, or if he just doesn't want to see me again. He hasn't ended it, but I have no idea where his head is at and cant seem to get to a point where he will just speak to me honestly about what is going on.

I am happy to give him space but he hasn't said that's what he wants, and if we are done i would prefer to just know. He has never spoken to me angrily before, so it seems a very bizarre reaction for him. He is quite sensitive so I’m not sure if he is just shutting me out while he processes the argument before he speaks to me but it has now been a week since I last heard from him. 

Edited August 31, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and spelling

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, CranberryLeanne said:

 I have no idea where his head is at and cant seem to get to a point where he will just speak to me honestly about what is going on. 

Based on this I think he is right....you should evaluate whether he is right for you or not.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like now that deconfinement has started and he's working, seeing friend etc, he's a lot busier.  Unfortunately all you can do is stop contacting him. In the meantime take advantage of relaxed rules yourself and get back involved in life, friends, family, work,/school, interests, etc.

It seems you are seeing another side of him that may want to make you reflect on if you want to even continue with someone like this. He was all cozy when he was bored/unemployed, but now just doesn't communicate or seem to be reasonable. Do not argue about who makes effort etc. It sounds like he's just picking fights.

Edited August 29, 2020 by Wiseman2

[FudgeSwirl]

I'm really sorry to hear you have been ignored for so long.  I can see why he got upset by how you worded your concerns (lack or urgency) because it comes across as accusatory but I do not agree with him going weeks without having a real conversation with you.  It's one thing to need space for a couple of days to blow steam but if it needs to be longer than that the angered party needs to communicate that.  

I wouldn't contact him for now.  Focus your energy on your own friends, family, and your hobbies.  In the meantime, think about how you would handle if another three weeks from now he randomly texts you.  Consider if you would you be willing to resume a relationship with someone who had cut you off or if you're not willing to put up with that. 

Even though he did not officially end things, if you don't hear from him soon I don't see anything wrong with moving on.

[lee179108]

Ok, maybe he was genuinely busy and he got a bit mad but to ignore you for so long... thats bad and if he really cared about you he wouldnt do that.. damn ive been so mad at my ex gf but after a few hours was just the bigger person and wanted to forget about it and apologise and move on..  thats what you do when you like someone...  just tell him you didnt mean anything by it and that you want to know where you stand...  him ignoring you is immature, especially for 2 weeks. If thats how he acts all the time with small arguments then id look for someone else. If he really cared he wouldnt ignore you for that long.

[Beachead]

@CranberryLeanne

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  

You were not wrong for sharing how you felt.  You shared it, because you care about him, yourself, and where the relationship is going, and you simply wanted to communicate.  Now that doesn't mean he has to be okay with everything you say.  He is allowed to be in disagreement or get annoyed and its understandable that he got a little bit defensive about things.   But that's as far as I give him. For someone who supposedly cares about you and wants things to move forward, to get angry and continue to respond in anger in subsequents conversations, and just generally disappear like that..something sounds off there.  It's a bit over the top.

Furthermore, if he had a problem making all the effort, why didn't he didn't he address that problem with you sooner.  He could have suggested for you to meet him halfway or to visit his side.  Seems like he bottled the anger and used it as a weapon, as a means to blame you, to give himself a way out of a relationship he wasn't feeling that strongly for.    And even if this isn't the case and he does come back, I would think twice about if I want to be with someone who reacts like that.

For now, I'd say, give him a few weeks for your own conscious.  This way, when you do walk away, you won't end up with anxiety about whether you left too early.  You'd know you gave it a chance.   The second part to this is return your focus to you.  Spend time with people who care for you and who won't ignore you and spend some time engaging in your favourite hobbies/interests.  Take care of you.

- Beach

Edited August 29, 2020 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry to tell you this but I think you were something to do during Covid.  You relived his boredom but now that he can be out & about with friends again he prefers that your company.  There is no reason you could not have been invited to the friend's birthday.  You being excluded from that should have told you that you were not as important to him as he is to you.  If my BF of 5 months who could risk Covid to see me, couldn't be bothered to see me for 3 weeks without explanation would no longer be my BF. 

More space won't help.  He's trying to break away.  Space just makes that easier.  Let him go.