Hanging out with her ex

[thegreatfuldead]

I’ll try my best to not make this too convoluted

My gf and I just split up. It’s an understandable breakup, she has been through some very traumatic experience a couple years ago and the anniversary came up. We anticipated it and we both agreed if time and space was needed then that was necessary, a just in case if her mental state was not the best. 

However during this time and space period things got alittle strange. Her and her ex before me are still very close. He is a good guy and a good friend, but admittedly he would give anything to be back with her. I’m not sure why at this point anymore but we kept our relationship pretty low key. He had problems letting go, very needy, asking where she was and who she was with all the time. But we are all in the same friend group (were all adults in our 30s) they have no kids or anything that ties them together. Their breakup was very public, and everyone was aware. He didn’t like me much, but that was none of my business.  They did not date long at all, they have been broken up significantly longer than they were together. Me and her have been seeing eachother much longer than that. 

During this time, she completely pushed me out. We were still together, and I supported her and made it clear she doesn’t need to feel obligated or any expectations, just put herself first. Everyday I let her know to please keep me updated and if she needs anything I’d be there. 

come to find out, the ex was over all the time. They hung out just about every day, went to lunch and the beach. He even stayed over at her place a couple nights. Girls nights with her friends turned into girls nights and he would show up, or they would go out with him. I never asked, tried to be as mature about it but I got to a boiling point when she began hiding it. 

things came to a head after about a month; and she broke up with me couple days ago. She made it clear she is still messed up, which that I 100% understand and support her decision she doesn’t need a relationship. 

I’m conflicted because during this time, communication was completely dissolved. She made a statement saying there was nothing going on between him and her. I made it clear I was not worried or threatened by him. However, she was going through so much mentally I spent weeks worried about her, if she was alright. If she was taking care of herself. I was ignored most of the time. Calling her was out of the question, and like I said the ex was there the majority of the time. I told her I understand he is close but it was a pretty big slap in the face. He isn’t the most mature when I’m around, or when he finds out me and her are together. 

she broke up with me after that vis text and a phone call. Alittle salty to say the least. 

she wants to remain friends, which I would honestly be okay with if she didn’t take the actions she did. I honestly don’t know if anything happened between them. But I was hurt, and I feel selfish for feeling this way. Only one of our mutual friends knows and honestly is not the best for giving advice. 

my questions is, so I want her back? Absolutely, but I really am listening to my intuition right now and honestly don’t trust the situation. And I’m having a hard time being friends. I want to make the most mature decision but I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t, but I have to put my feelings first, especially now that I feel like mine have been put last. I don’t think I can stay friends right now with her. 

anyway. Any help or advice would be appreciated. And I’d be happy to divulge more if asked. Thank you. 

Edited August 31, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately staying friends with her will hold you back.

[ExpatInItaly]

You were way too passive about this ex of hers, OP. 

She needed space from you, and how convenient, she slot him in? Right. My dude, you need to wake up. She hasn’t let go of him either and the boundaries there were far too flimsy. Now look where they are. Sounds a lot like they’ve always had a thing for each other and she slowly wriggled out of your relationship so they could possibly try again. I don’t buy for a second that they are currently just platonic. 

I get you were trying to be mature, but there is a difference between having healthy boundaries and excusing or ignoring  red-flag behaviour. Don’t be afraid to draw a line in the sand somewhere next time. Don’t be afraid to speak up and assert yourself when something doesn’t feel right and hurts you. And I would not try to be friends with her now, either. Be civil when you see her, but you don’t need a woman like this as a friend. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly