Estranged from my family

[Dork Vader]

So a little bit of background, I am OCD and that definitely plays a part in all of this. I do take medication for it and I do go to therapy. Well the therapy just came to an end because I can't afford it. I am single, never got married (in part because I'm OCD) and never had any kids. 

I walked away from my family for a lot of reasons. But to sum it up, my parents favored my brother and his family quite a bit. That is more complex than just showering them with gifts. My parents own 2 businesses, COVID dropped our Gross Revenue by more than 55%. My brother and I managed them. Since I was the single one, I was the one who got furloughed. It was not a huge deal when the boosted UI was going. How ever when that expired it put me into a serious financial pickle, I'm only getting about 32% of what I was making before COVID.  Mean while my brother has seen no negative impacts from this, the family business is paying for his entire families health insurance which is more than half my yearly salary and his entire families cell phones and data plans for apple watches (we have for about 14 years). He also makes more than me. The business has basically subsidized his house wife. He still takes days off.. If anything he's in a better position, he got a $3400 stimulus check from the Federal Government and it looks like he's going to get another $4,000 from the second round. His wife does work part time for a school district and could easily work full time gaining health insurance benefits for their entire family. 

I have had to sell my car. I have had to throw all my goals out the window, one of which included getting out of a home I've been stuck in for 14 years. The home is just now at a point in which I can break even if I sell it. I have to try and sell it at peak value and buy during a housing recession, there is no way I can afford to buy another home any other way. I have also had to put quite a bit on my credit cards, my dog had to have a mast cell tumor removed, I had to pay for repairs to my vehicle to sell it and things like that. So my credit rating has been destroyed due to high credit usage. When I sold my car my parents asked what I was going to do for a vehicle. I said I don't know, I can't afford to buy anything right now, I can't get financing because I'm on unemployment and even if I could I won't go into debt right now. This topic lead to a huge fight because they were demanding I buy something, my dad was looking and making suggestions. I had tired to politely tell him to stop because it was really hard to have to repeatedly tell him I can't afford it.  I had emailed them at least 4-5 times the last 3 months about the financial ruin they are causing. Monday they pushed me purchasing a car again and I lost it. I told them how unfair all of this was and pointed it all out. I also pointed out how they are only doing what they want, what's good for them and what is best for them. Giving 0 regard to anything I'm going through or the damage they are doing to my life.

My mother then tried to make it about me and my work performance. Which I will agree has not been what it used to be, but 4 weeks ago I found out I have some major medical issues. Lung disease, peripheral artery disease and possibly some others (waiting on test/image results), all of which make intense manual labor very difficult for me. They know about this.. But before I got the diagnosis my family made me feel like I was a hypochondriac and making it all up, that it was normal aging or just my OCD. When she brought up my work performance I told her, if you used COVID as a means to fire me. I never want to see or hear from any of you again and walked out of the home.

They tried to text me a few times we'll talk tomorrow. I blocked their numbers and email addresses. The next day I wake up to a letter on my car asking to talk and trying to justify everything. I emailed them and really unloaded, explaining I had been looking at cutting off the family for sometime (years) for different reasons. I brought up just about everything. But I also explained I'm done talking, I tried to talk to you about all of this over the last 3 months I sent over 5 emails and you ignored every single one. But they've gone camping 5 times over the last 3 months. They replied with a sorry you feel you've been ignored. We have information for you and would like to talk. I replied with I'm done, here is my address just mail it to me if its something I need.

This time I went to into great detail why I was done. I explained that even we found common ground through discussions, which I don't see happening. At best I'll get a we'll deal with it, what ever "it" is gets forgotten about. But even if we did, I don't trust them anymore. I also would not feel secure working at either store again. Summed it all up with a thanks for everything they have done form me over the years. But things have just become a mess today and continue to get worse as time goes by. Some day we might be able to reconcile, but for now I'm not capable of it. I simply no longer care and I'm emotionally drained.

Their response was "I didn't find this until late today and wanted to let you know we got it.  We appreciate what you have shared and want you to know we love you.".. 

I tried emailing my therapist about all of this. His response was just garbage. I don't know how to process all of this or where to go or what to do. Finding work is going to be difficult, I can't do anything that requires standing on my feet for long periods. I can't find work in the industry I built my career around, it's been on decline for over 17 years. any advice? Am I wrong in this?

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Based on your description of what happened, withdrawing from your family and ceasing communication makes perfect sense.

[gamon]

Sounds like it's everyone else's fault.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Especially with the new serious diagnosis don't cut your family off.  You are angry which is understandable.   Calm down & talk to your parents again about possibly putting you back on as an employee so you get the health insurance.  You are going to need it.  Calmly lay out some of the facts that you presented here -- the cost of health insurance to your brother's family, the expensive phones they have & your inability to support yourself since the UI ran out.  Your parents have expressed love for you.  Open your heart up enough to receive that love. 

[Watercolors]

As someone who is estranged from her family too, I have to applaud you, Dork Vader. 

It's hard to set limits with toxic family members. But you did it. So, I fully support you standing your ground. 

I would recommend that you join a support group online since COVID prevents in-person support group meetings. 

If you go to the NAMI website, you should be able to look up support groups in your city. 

Sorry to read that your therapist's response to your anxiety over estranging yourself from your family, was garbage. 

Look at this change as an opportunity for you to shift directions in your life. Instead of viewing it from the perspective that you'll just be homeless, jobless with serious health conditions. 

Take the bus. Sign up for certificate programs at your local CareerForce center, where they will do Zoom classes for a certificate then help you with job placement. 

Sell your house. Break even. Find a roommate(s) situation. 

It's all about ticking off a list of problems that need to be solved, and thinking outside the box. 

[Dork Vader]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Especially with the new serious diagnosis don't cut your family off.  You are angry which is understandable.   Calm down & talk to your parents again about possibly putting you back on as an employee so you get the health insurance.  You are going to need it.  Calmly lay out some of the facts that you presented here -- the cost of health insurance to your brother's family, the expensive phones they have & your inability to support yourself since the UI ran out.  Your parents have expressed love for you.  Open your heart up enough to receive that love. 

My family does not understand how serious things are for me health wise. I don't know how bad the PAD is yet. I'm trying to quit smoking at least I was but I have sort of given up at the moment. I really don't care much about my health anymore or anything. 

I have stayed at the business for over a decade because of the "I have to" mentality whether it was for health care, income or what ever. But even if I stick around for health insurance purposes. I can't afford the care. I already struggle to pay medical bills as it is. Frequent care is just not an option and I have good health insurance, it just to expensive. I still have the policy because I own a percentage of the business. It's all very complex. From there with regards to my health, what I do and how I treat it is going to depend on what my doctors say in terms of how bad it is and what treatment will look like. If it requires spending large sums of money on care, I'm just going to decline most of the care. I'll have fun for a few more years and enjoy what's left of my life. I would rather have fun and enjoy a shorter life, then go bankrupt making a doctor rich.

There is a lot more to this. They are on title with me on my home, that has to do with the fact that I purchased the home at a very young age before I had credit to qualify for a mortgage. The issue with this has been that when ever repairs are required I almost always have to  involve my parents. One example is that the dishwashing machine leaked for months in the kitchen. I did not know and it created mold growth in the cabinets. My insurance covered it and gave me and my father a $3800 check. When that happened, the adjuster offered to give me a list of contractors to do the repairs. My father declined because he used to be a developer. He had his buddy do the work, which was nothing more than basically painting over the mold and hiding it my father and mother pocketed the rest of the money from the claim. The mold is making physically ill, it's not terrible but I get 3-4 sinus infections a year because of it.  I have tried to get it repaired properly over the last 7 years but they don't care. I can't afford to do the repairs on my own. I just don't have the money unless I took out a new mortgage, which they refused to do when I was employed.

You say they express love and maybe they do in their own way. But actions speak louder than words and throwing one son under the bus for another is not love. 

[Miss Clavel]

sell the house. if anyone will buy it with mold. if you can not sell because of them, stop paying the mortgage and declare bankruptcy.

you might be eligible for food stamps and medicare if you have no property or saving/checking accounts.

as soon as you find out what treatment you might need decide if you will continue on paying for your health insurance esp. if you can qualify for Medicaid.

 

find out why you are not receiving checks from your homeowners insurance (even in both names)???? since you are on the deed. which you need to check( online) if you are on the deed or only on the mortgage???

if you are only on the mortgage and not on the deed, again, quit paying, you can not be evicted for some time to come.

let your parents know that if they took the money for the house to be repaired and they did not repair it to the standards of the bank they are liable for fraud if they do not fix the mold or refund the money to the buyer when you/they sell. the bank will take the growing mold and deteriorating condition of their investment very seriously.

take your crap to the dump, pack you bags, get a small storage if you need one. if your are indigent, not working and not well with out a saving account you are eligible for government assistance.

ask your doctor if he will support an effort to have you declared disabled??? that will bring some money in, enough to buy a decent car to live in, eat and pay car insurance

i will never believe that someone loves me when they let me live, ill, in mold. 

and yes, they love your brother more. the s*** about them getting health care, cell phones and every bennnie from the "company" is redick.

find out about the deed, call the homeowners insurance and find out about why the money went only to your dad.

let them know you will report them for fraud if they do not  fix the house for sale. offer to let them buy you out. contingent on having a lawyer to represent you at the closing. i would not trust them. do not sign a "quit claim" document which only takes you off the title not the mortgage.

settle up with the house. pack, leave.

do not tell them where you are going.

what they are doing is discrimination. and they prefer their other son's family over you.

who needs that???

 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by Miss Clavel