Ex is dating my old friend Sara! Eeeeek

[Stringalong]

Please help me! I never thought I would ever be on a site like this, but here I am 😕

My ex and I were together for a few years off and on. I was really into him but after years of therapy, I can see why this relationship is best kept in the past. He's a nice guy and everything but I was not built to be the type of person he seeks in a partner. His way of helping me was always offensive, hurtful, and I didn't like him after a while. We've been broken up for four months now.

I've been going through some things outside of this break up, it has nothing to do with the breakup, and I have been sorting it all out.

Well, this morning I went for a drive one town over and I decided to stop for a coffee. Low and behold, I ran into him with my former friend Sarah and they were really into eachother! He couldn't keep his hands off her even when I was standing there and they could clearly see I see them. They did not verbally say hi to me either and they just nodded their head at me when I walked by. It doesn't help that I was depressed and had not really put effort into my appearance, Infact, I had an ugly gross coffee stain on my shirt that I noticed after I ran into them. Ugh 😕

Needless to say, being the burst of positivity I am, I talked myself out of the negative self talk on my drive home. Then I got a flat tire and I had to sit outside and wait for nearly two hours for someone to come change it.

I used this time to talk myself out of more negativity "he's a grown man, he can chose who he wants, you can not control who he likes, we weren't compatible, he moved on, blah blah blah".

I started to feel a bit better until I pulled into my driveway and my friend Sarah's mom was there! Alison!!!! with a coffee. I mean okay, I'll take a coffee after all that but why is she at my door, right? 

She was there to try to encourage me to move on. Um, I have moved on! Then she encourages me to be happy for them because he deserves someone like Sarah. She talked my ear off for like half an hour and made me feel worse. 

I finally am inside my house right, and I'm finally alone, when I get a call from his best friend Damion. Damion was like "are you okay? I get that's a shock but you have to accept this because he really likes her". Well that's great but it didn't end there.

I was clearly annoyed so I swing by Canadian Tire for some new place mats because I wanted to invite my mother, who I haven't seen for a while, over for dinner. While at Canadian Tire, I ran into another one of his friends, a short spanish guy who I found to be very rude, he laughed and said it sucks to be you. 

Ugh, somehow all of these people have made me feel worse 😭

[Wiseman2]

You you live in a small town? How did it happen that all these people, all at once knew you ran into them? Did you post something on social media? Sorry this happened. Block him and all his people from all your social media. Make sure you keep addressing your health and emotions.

[Stringalong]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You you live in a small town? How did it happen that all these people, all at once knew you ran into them? Did you post something on social media? Sorry this happened. Block him and all his people from all your social media. Make sure you keep addressing your health and emotions.

Thanks a lot for your advice 😊 I am addressing it all. He must have told them himself. I do not have any social media. I did not tell anyone anything. You could also say he was kind of cruel when he was there and said nothing, then asked his friends to tell me on his behalf. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Next time somebody mentions them to you, just say they deserve each other & you wish them well.  Never say anything else.  Be indifferent & the busybodies will move on

[schlumpy]

No reaction from you means disappointment for them. You have to put up a front of complete indifference. The spectators will grow bored and go home if you refuse to jump from the building.

Stay low key and get some good tires on your car. 

[Stringalong]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Next time somebody mentions them to you, just say they deserve each other & you wish them well.  Never say anything else.  Be indifferent & the busybodies will move on

Thanks, I think normally I would have but I have been really struggling in my new apartment. I have really loud neighbors and one is a heavy drug addict who deliberately harasses me, my mom is dating an alcoholic who is extremely aggressive towards me, and I just started driving so my career has been slow to take off. When he originally left me, he said my body was too young for him and he wanted a more mature females body and that he wishes to have someone more intellectual then I am. I sell sausages. I have a food truck and like to travel to busy festivals and fairs. I love my sausage business so I was okay with his decision. He liked my friend Sarah and even though she was just a tele marketer, he went and helped her go back to university so now she's going to be a nurse. She just got a boob job and I can't afford one but that's the only thing that bothers me about that. 

[Stringalong]

He's a real jerk if I can be honest with you guys. I am not sad about him going out with my former friend at all. I didn't really like her and that's why she was a former friend. She really likes spanish men so it didn't surprise me when she said yes to his advancements. I heard from another friend that he stalked her and found out where she worked to go and meet her in person. He first seen her on my Facebook page! I don't think anyone knew he could track someone down like that but that explains his expensive motorcycle. How did he have access to all these computer tricks? That's on him and not me, I decided to just find another apartment and try to be happier. You guys are too kind for listening to me rant. Dating can be a real mess sometimes! 

[d0nnivain]

You have a lot going on.  Focus on the important stuff, not them.  Protect yourself from the neighbor.  Keep up the complaints so they are on record.  Be there for your mom when her alcoholic BF betrays her but don't try to force her to see his flaws.  Double down on your sausage business.  

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Stringalong said:

He's a real jerk if I can be honest with you guys. I am not sad about him going out with my former friend at all. I didn't really like her and that's why she was a former friend.  I decided to just find another apartment and try to be happier. You guys are too kind for listening to me rant. 

Perhaps it's a blessing to get these snakes 🐍🐍out of your life. Now you have new tires to go on dates.🚗 

[Stringalong]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps it's a blessing to get these snakes 🐍🐍out of your life. Now you have new tires to go on dates.🚗 

I am going to start dating after harvest, it's a busy time for my food business. 

[healing light]

Alright, all of these people seem to have boundary issues and if anything you sound too nice and too good for this man. Who stalks down one of the friends of their ex in order to date them when they don't know them? That's crap. What friend dates your ex just months out of a multi-year relationship? That's crap.

Don't even get me started on the loony tunes mom who showed up out of nowhere to wait for you in your driveway during a time most people would still be in shock and processing a bunch of mixed feelings of hurt and betrayal to tell you that you need to be over it and your ex deserves her daughter as if you're beneath them both! Ew!

Seriously, I would next on almost all of these people.

Damion just sounds like a dense guy saying you "have to accept it." You get to move on and process through your feelings on YOUR timeline. No one should be telling you how to feel about this situation.

You deserve better. Way better. From everyone, including the neighbor and your family dynamics. 

[Stringalong]

8 minutes ago, healing light said:

Alright, all of these people seem to have boundary issues and if anything you sound too nice and too good for this man. Who stalks down one of the friends of their ex in order to date them when they don't know them? That's crap. What friend dates your ex just months out of a multi-year relationship? That's crap.

Don't even get me started on the loony tunes mom who showed up out of nowhere to wait for you in your driveway during a time most people would still be in shock and processing a bunch of mixed feelings of hurt and betrayal to tell you that you need to be over it and your ex deserves her daughter as if you're beneath them both! Ew!

Seriously, I would next on almost all of these people.

Damion just sounds like a dense guy saying you "have to accept it." You get to move on and process through your feelings on YOUR timeline. No one should be telling you how to feel about this situation.

You deserve better. Way better. From everyone, including the neighbor and your family dynamics. 

Thanks! That's very sweet of you to say. I don't feel a man would enable such an unhealthy dynamic for as long as he did so he isn't a real man after all. His friend was at my church this morning singing amazing grace, and out of tune if I may ad. She was also very wrong to have told me what she told me a few months ago. She had a best friend Thea who is also in the wrong. They can't be too special if they needed to put themselves in my life like that. 

[Stringalong]

I am really glad there are forums like this one, my ex justed called me! He said he was concerned that I didn't wear my mask and asked if I was now taking covid more serious? I was like, what do you want me to do? I haven't gotten sick yet or anything? And he said that it didn't sound like I was going to take this serious and it is clear he made the right choice with Sarah. He went to hang up and I was so used to saying "okay, I love you" like I always do so I said it, he froze and for a minute or two and hung up. I think him dating my former friend has confused the crap out me!!! 

[Stringalong]

He called me again, this time to tell me that he loves me but he's not in love with me. He said we aren't on the same maturity level and has connected with Sarah both emotionally, mentally and physically. I said I was just joking but he got really serious and said it was time for me to go date and find someone. I told him, because of the confusion, he should not call or message me period. I told him the situation is too conflicting and confusing and right now we shouldn't have any contact. He said he can appreciate that but he didn't want to see me end up alone because he fell in love with my friend. He made a point to say "fell in love". I blocked him and changed my phone number so he can't contact me! 

[Stringalong]

Alot of weird posts are coming. His mom's calling me now too! 

[Dork Vader]

13 hours ago, Stringalong said:

I love my sausage business so I was okay with his decision.

That is all that matters. Honestly I think you're better off without this guy. He sounds like a real piece of work. I agree with others if people get involved in your business just be indifferent and move on. You need to block their numbers and move on. All of these people are behaving like children. He has insulted you multiple times. Nothing good is going to come of keeping in contact with these people.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Stringalong said:

I am really glad there are forums like this one, my ex justed called me! He said he was concerned that I didn't wear my mask and asked if I was now taking covid more serious? I was like, what do you want me to do? I haven't gotten sick yet or anything? And he said that it didn't sound like I was going to take this serious and it is clear he made the right choice with Sarah. He went to hang up and I was so used to saying "okay, I love you" like I always do so I said it, he froze and for a minute or two and hung up. I think him dating my former friend has confused the crap out me!!! 

Now he's the covid police? You should have blocked and deleted him and all his people already. In fact, as soon as you saw them together.

Do that immediately.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Stringalong said:

 I started to feel a bit better until I pulled into my driveway and my friend Sarah's mom was there! Alison!!!! with a coffee. I mean okay, I'll take a coffee after all that but why is she at my door, right? 

She was there to try to encourage me to move on. Um, I have moved on! Then she encourages me to be happy for them because he deserves someone like Sarah. She talked my ear off for like half an hour and made me feel worse. 

I finally am inside my house right, and I'm finally alone, when I get a call from his best friend Damion. Damion was like "are you okay? I get that's a shock but you have to accept this because he really likes her". Well that's great but it didn't end there.

I was clearly annoyed so I swing by Canadian Tire for some new place mats because I wanted to invite my mother, who I haven't seen for a while, over for dinner. While at Canadian Tire, I ran into another one of his friends, a short spanish guy who I found to be very rude, he laughed and said it sucks to be you. 

Ugh, somehow all of these people have made me feel worse 😭

Do an online search for "Flying monkeys". It might help you make sense of why these people are all behaving so strangely.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Acacia98

[Stringalong]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Do an online search for "Flying monkeys". It might help you make sense of why these people are all behaving so strangely.

That's what happened and it hurts a lot. I'm not going to lie, I'm hiding the pain under humor but I am in so much pain that I can hardly move. I've been exposed to the flying monkeys in February, and it has affected me to the point, I can barely get out of bed and I feel horrible. 

I'm trying to push myself to go to the bank, rogers, grocery store, clean my house, put my laundry away, and may even some self care! I'm sorry to just pour this out like this but I've been acting like this hasn't affected me and it has. 

I kept asking myself, if someone didn't like you then how could they be so present for so long. How could he have taken such time but he is with my friend now and happy. He looked happy and he has made it clear that he is completely over me so why can't I just move on? 

@Wiseman2 I'm going to need to take your advice and block them on social media and all messenger apps and force myself through the unpleasant emotions of NC and come out the other side. You have forward advice but it's very good advice and I can see you get a lot of flack for it. 

I guess I'll go now guys and stop talking about the mess I'm in! I don't want this person back and I guess it's time to buckle up and move on. 

 

Edited August 31, 2020 by Stringalong

[schlumpy]

Pay Attention.

You are assuming that they are going to become a lasting couple. The evidence says otherwise.

He's not calling you up out of concern. He's trying to hurt you and that means feelings. Once you become indifferent, their relationship will dissolve because it's aimed at you.

Don't entertain people and this will pass by much quicker then you think.

If possible find a seasonal job somewhere else for a few months or study overseas. 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Stringalong said:

 I blocked him and changed my phone number so he can't contact me! 

Good  I'm sorry you had to go through all the trouble of changing the # but NC is best.   Glad you are blocking him & his people on all platforms.  As wiseman2 said  you should have done that months ago.

10 hours ago, Stringalong said:

Alot of weird posts are coming. His mom's calling me now too! 

If you changed your number how is mom calling you?

 

I learned something with the flying monkeys.  I had never heard of that.  Based on your response that you are still in pain & you said I love you out of habit when hanging up the phone, I suspect you haven't fully grieved the loss of your relationship yet.  It's OK to cry.  Tears are cathartic.  Then you have to make a plan to move forward.  Throw out all the mementos.  If you can't toss 'em box 'em up & put them in a deep closet.  This includes photos . . .onto a flash drive they go & the drive goes in the box.  Rearrange your living space.  Take up a new hobby or dive into your business.  Just keep busy.  

You will get through this.  Try to keep focused on how manipulative & controlling these people are.  You need to be rid of them

[Stringalong]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Good  I'm sorry you had to go through all the trouble of changing the # but NC is best.   Glad you are blocking him & his people on all platforms.  As wiseman2 said  you should have done that months ago.

If you changed your number how is mom calling you?

 

I learned something with the flying monkeys.  I had never heard of that.  Based on your response that you are still in pain & you said I love you out of habit when hanging up the phone, I suspect you haven't fully grieved the loss of your relationship yet.  It's OK to cry.  Tears are cathartic.  Then you have to make a plan to move forward.  Throw out all the mementos.  If you can't toss 'em box 'em up & put them in a deep closet.  This includes photos . . .onto a flash drive they go & the drive goes in the box.  Rearrange your living space.  Take up a new hobby or dive into your business.  Just keep busy.  

You will get through this.  Try to keep focused on how manipulative & controlling these people are.  You need to be rid of them

Right now I feel like I wasn't pretty enough or tall enough and didn't have a nice enough personality. I feel the rejection of this so it's going to take some time. He wanted me to block him which is why he behaves this way. He rejected and dumped me and he did not care about my well being at all. He did make someone else very happy in the end and I need to accept that to move on. I've got loads of books to read too! 

I disconnected the phone as his mom called me and ordered a new phone through my provider. I'm going to pick it up today! I just have to wait for the day that someone comes into my life that I like better then him. 

Edited August 31, 2020 by Stringalong

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you changed your number how is mom calling you?

This my question too. 

 

[d0nnivain]

A new man won't heal what's broken inside you. You have to do that for yourself. Until you like yourself again, you won't find a good man. 

OK, you were dumped.  It happens.  You are pretty.  I'm sure your personality is fine.  If you are petite, so be it.  The only time not being tall enough would be an issue is if you wanted to be a professional runway model or play for the WNBA.  Other than that, your height is irrelevant. 

Spend some time rebuilding your self esteem.  Everyone''s self confidence takes a hit after a break up but you have to learn to spin it to I'm just fine the way I am even though me & the other person weren't a great match, there is somebody who is a better fit for me out there.   In grad school I dated a guy who wanted a "traditional" girl to be a stay at home mom.  WTH he dated me, somebody in his same competitive grad school program who could do what he could do professionally, I will never know.  His desire for a SAHM doesn't invalidate my goals.  Similarly your EX's preference for Spanish women or your friend Sarah doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.  Think about it.  Don't you sell multiple kinds of sausage in your business?  So if some customer orders an Italian sausage do you start wondering if your bratwurst is  good enough?  Of course you don't.  You chalk it up to that person's tastes. 

[Stringalong]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

A new man won't heal what's broken inside you. You have to do that for yourself. Until you like yourself again, you won't find a good man. 

OK, you were dumped.  It happens.  You are pretty.  I'm sure your personality is fine.  If you are petite, so be it.  The only time not being tall enough would be an issue is if you wanted to be a professional runway model or play for the WNBA.  Other than that, your height is irrelevant. 

Spend some time rebuilding your self esteem.  Everyone''s self confidence takes a hit after a break up but you have to learn to spin it to I'm just fine the way I am even though me & the other person weren't a great match, there is somebody who is a better fit for me out there.   In grad school I dated a guy who wanted a "traditional" girl to be a stay at home mom.  WTH he dated me, somebody in his same competitive grad school program who could do what he could do professionally, I will never know.  His desire for a SAHM doesn't invalidate my goals.  Similarly your EX's preference for Spanish women or your friend Sarah doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.  Think about it.  Don't you sell multiple kinds of sausage in your business?  So if some customer orders an Italian sausage do you start wondering if your bratwurst is  good enough?  Of course you don't.  You chalk it up to that person's tastes. 

I've been wallowing in self pity for so long, it's become a habit. A few months ago, I wanted nothing to do with my own life. I envisioned the texts "hello mister" and wondered why they were being shared with me to begin with. I had a hard time getting out of bed and I let my house go to s***, and I have a decent house. I came here with nothing and I've given so much away because I had everything and some. I had plans to do things for my space but the depression prevented all of that. 

I was stuck on the question, how could anyone allow this to go on for so long, even me. I've liked guys before, I've held onto hope of reconnecting when things improved and found them with other women. I knew how it works! 

I went out for coffee and I thought this guy was butting in front of an old lady so I said "hey, don't but in front of her, come in front of me" and he said "I'm not butting, I need a mask". I had an extra mask in my pocket (incase I druled from my medications lol) and I gave it to him. He end up buying my coffee and not taking no for an answer. That made me feel good

them together and his insane love for her is going to drive me mad for a few months until it doesn't. He already bought her expensive jewelry and changed her view on life 😳

Edited August 31, 2020 by Stringalong