Want a Relationship, but Unhappy With Current Life Circumstances

[Physx]

I'm doing my best to fight depression here under my circumstances, but could really use some advice.  I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible while covering what I need to in order to make sense of it all.

I have been single for the majority of the last two years.  I've dated here and there, but few and far between.  I miss having someone to share life with, miss having a sex life, and just sick and tired of wandering through life by myself.  I had been holding off trying to find anything serious in 2019 (and most of 2020 already too) due to my personal circumstances, but it's to the point where I'm tired of waiting and going through life single.

I currently struggle with off and on depression.  In short, I lost nearly everything a few years back thanks to an ex of mine.  She also annihilated my credit.  I have worked hard to rebuild my life back, but have had one setback after another over the last few years.

I was single nearly all of 2019 and focused on me - rebuilding my credit and doing what I needed to so that I could buy a home.  However, fixing my credit to get a home of my own is proving to be extremely difficult and taking longer than I expected. 

I'm doing a house share to save as quickly as possible (and even then, it's slow due to my income vs expenses), but as an adult, it's embarrassing to me that I'm sharing a home with someone.  It makes me very self-conscious when it comes to dating, and is overall just a very frustrating experience.  However, it is the quickest way for me to get a home.  Depending on how things work out, best case is I get a home in about six months.  Worst case is it could take as much as three years.  It all depends on if the debt collectors will be willing to negotiate and to what extent.

So, I miss having someone, but can't do casual dating (I'm not built for that emotionally).  However, my current life circumstances are embarrassing and as such, makes dating very difficult for me.  I look at friends and family, where they have their homes, their families, and their marriages, and I just feel like such a failure in my current circumstances.  However, while I am trying as hard as I can to fix them, it's going to take time.  The notion of spending the next x amount of years alone until I fix everything is even more depressing to me. 

So, I want to date, but feel embarrassed about my situation, but continuing to be single until everything is fixed makes me even more depressed, but every time a date doesn't go anywhere, I also wonder if it's because of my current circumstances.  What makes it even worse is that I am picky, so my dating experiences are very few and far between.

I feel like I am in a situation that is no win either way.  I date, it makes me more self-conscious.  I don't date, and I get depressed every time I look at everyone with their happy families.  I have also had multiple friends die over the last few years, and knowing all too well we never know how long we have, am sick of waiting to find someone I can settle down with.

I do my best to stay positive and keep my eye on the goal, but with having no idea how long it will take to get to that goal, it's just very disheartening.  I don't see any good way to handle this.  Open to any suggestions, advice, feedback, etc. you all have.

[schlumpy]

Clarify please. You were not married to the last GF but somehow the debt she incurred is also your debt? How did she manage that?

[Pumaza]

Hi
I dont like long post.

But from what i read:

-Accept your situation how it is now.And learn from your past.If you are not married ,you shouldnt have no girls debt on you.

-Focus on you.Getting a girl will not take your issues away but only add to it. And you can still just socialize without getting with girls intimate.Like visit festivals etc.Get to know people,make new freinds. Enjoy life.Happiness is in little things,not in sex.

You are single,no kids?Bad credit?

-Wawww,so you can work more hours and more jobs,And keep your weekends for yourself and family and fun,rest.

-If you need therapy dont be scared to get a therapist to talk to.

-Get a sport and a hobby

-Put on paper where you at,and where you wanna go. How much debt you got and how much income. See if you not having useless stuff that cost you money. Like expensive fashionstyle ,newspaper,phonebills,etc. All that extra can go to your saving for own place and a  extra % for your debt. And every extra cash u get put like 50% in your debt.Every littlebit will help you finish your debt faster.Even if its 10$ extra.

All the best.

How much is your debt and your age?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Your life doesn't have to be 100% perfect in order to date. Starting over after divorce is not about recreating everything

As long as your job, mental and physical health are intact start there.

As long as you have a decent place to live a decent car and decent credit you'll be ok. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You have a scarcity mentality.  That makes you focus on what you don't have rather then all the blessing in your life.  You have a roof over your head, you have a job, you have improved your credit & you have a goal.  Those qualities including the ability to prioritize, the value of hard work, the ability to overcome adversity & having quality goals are excellent traits in a long term partner.  Somebody who can't see that isn't worth having.

Stop being embarrassed.  Your own embarrassment is what is keeping you from finding somebody.  Why would anyone want to date somebody who thinks they are are worthless because they don't have certain material things?   Reevaluate how you see yourself & more possibilities will open up.

You also are misguided in your belief that finding somebody to date will solve your depression.  It won't.  You need to find peace within yourself first.  Plus dating is expensive so it will throw you off your savings goal. 

As for your income v expenses, have you done a budget?  Have you figured out things to cut?  Have you looked into ways to increase your income?  Read websites devoted to finances, budgeting & frugality.   If you have subscriptions, cancel them.  If you drive an expensive car, sell it & get something more practical.  Pick up a side gig somewhere.  You have the time since you are not dating -- drive for UberEats or DoorDash; become an insta-cart shopper.  

You can do this!

 

[Physx]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Clarify please. You were not married to the last GF but somehow the debt she incurred is also your debt? How did she manage that?

It is a very long story.  She was a narcissist.  Love bombed me, moved into my place in a very short period of time with her son, intentionally got pregnant by coming off her birth control and not telling me, didn't work the whole time we were together, etc.  It is a series of events that happened over the course of an off and on relationship that lasted about two and a half years. 

No need for a lecture or criticism about how stupid I was to do that either.  Well aware of all the mistakes I made back then, learned from them, have discussed the matter inside and out with a psychologist already, and have been trying to fix them now for the last few years.

[Physx]

48 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

Hi
I dont like long post.

But from what i read:

-Accept your situation how it is now.And learn from your past.If you are not married ,you shouldnt have no girls debt on you.

-Focus on you.Getting a girl will not take your issues away but only add to it. And you can still just socialize without getting with girls intimate.Like visit festivals etc.Get to know people,make new freinds. Enjoy life.Happiness is in little things,not in sex.

You are single,no kids?Bad credit?

-Wawww,so you can work more hours and more jobs,And keep your weekends for yourself and family and fun,rest.

-If you need therapy dont be scared to get a therapist to talk to.

-Get a sport and a hobby

-Put on paper where you at,and where you wanna go. How much debt you got and how much income. See if you not having useless stuff that cost you money. Like expensive fashionstyle ,newspaper,phonebills,etc. All that extra can go to your saving for own place and a  extra % for your debt. And every extra cash u get put like 50% in your debt.Every littlebit will help you finish your debt faster.Even if its 10$ extra.

All the best.

How much is your debt and your age?

 

 

Yes, I have heard the "make friends instead of a relationship" thing time and time again, but it's not the same.  Maybe other people just don't value things like cuddling, affection, and having someone to share life with like I do.  Just like it's hard for someone like you to understand why I want a relationship, it's hard for me to see others who don't care if they do have one.  Regardless, no matter how many hobbies I take up, no matter how much I socialize, I still miss having the things a relationship has to offer.  Nothing else can compensate for that.  After two years of not having it, I'm lonely and miss having that.  No amount of reasoning will change that.

I do have children, which adds to my expenses. 

And working more hours and more jobs just makes me more miserable.  I was doing that in 2019 and burned out BAD.  I got severely depressed, as my life was just work, work, and more work, and I didn't enjoy it at all.  I felt like my life was a complete waste - doing things I didn't enjoy just for money, and completely miserable.  I now work a solid 40hr work week and a little work on the side, but I need time for myself to try to stay happy, which is oftentimes a struggle.

Also, I have everything on paper as far as a budget.  The problem is the debts I have and the unknowns surrounding them.  It's hard to say what it will take to fix them.  I have a credit repair company working on them, but they may not be able to.  If they can't, next I would have to negotiate a "pay to delete" offer with the collectors.  They may take an offer, they may not, but I can't start negotiating until I have enough money to do so, as if they take the offer, I need to be ready to pay then and there.  So, it's not something I can figure out quite yet.

I'm in my late 30s, and the total debt is $20k.  It's a lot to dig myself out of, but I am determined to get a home and do everything I need to in order to make it happen.  It's just such a struggle at this point.

[Physx]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your life doesn't have to be 100% perfect in order to date. Starting over after divorce is not about recreating everything

As long as your job, mental and physical health are intact start there.

As long as you have a decent place to live a decent car and decent credit you'll be ok. 

 

Thanks.  The job is decent, but not something I enjoy.  Mentally I struggle with the depression, but I know things could be much worse.  Physically I'm in good health, so I at least have that going for me.

The "decent credit" is my biggest obstacle currently.  I just feel stuck.  If I rented my own house or apartment, I'd be happier, but it would take longer to get a home.  But, doing a house share to get a home quicker has me unhappy currently, and with not being sure how long it will take, it is a struggle.

[d0nnivain]

20k is not insurmountable. . . can you pay $1k per month?  You will be done in under 2 years. 

A credit card repair company is probably a rip off.  Instead nail down these alleged unknowns.  Learn about something called snowballing.  It's a great way to reduce debt. 

Have you figured out things to eliminate?  I used to be a shop-a-holic, I'd buy stuff when I was sad.  I learned to get some of that through grocery shopping & learning to cook.  I also found I love thrift shop bargain hunting.  Not sure that will be a thing after Covid but I loved scoring that special find.  I save sooooo much money by buying used.  

A job is just that, a job, a source of money.  Yes, it's great when it can be a source of fulfillment but be grateful you have a job.  Use the job as a means to an end, not the end itself. 

Have you ever done an analysis of your likes & interests?  there are several on the internet to help you select a path that will make you happier. 

Good luck!

[Physx]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You have a scarcity mentality.  That makes you focus on what you don't have rather then all the blessing in your life.  You have a roof over your head, you have a job, you have improved your credit & you have a goal.  Those qualities including the ability to prioritize, the value of hard work, the ability to overcome adversity & having quality goals are excellent traits in a long term partner.  Somebody who can't see that isn't worth having.

Stop being embarrassed.  Your own embarrassment is what is keeping you from finding somebody.  Why would anyone want to date somebody who thinks they are are worthless because they don't have certain material things?   Reevaluate how you see yourself & more possibilities will open up.

You also are misguided in your belief that finding somebody to date will solve your depression.  It won't.  You need to find peace within yourself first.  Plus dating is expensive so it will throw you off your savings goal. 

As for your income v expenses, have you done a budget?  Have you figured out things to cut?  Have you looked into ways to increase your income?  Read websites devoted to finances, budgeting & frugality.   If you have subscriptions, cancel them.  If you drive an expensive car, sell it & get something more practical.  Pick up a side gig somewhere.  You have the time since you are not dating -- drive for UberEats or DoorDash; become an insta-cart shopper.  

You can do this!

 

Thanks for the advice.  Lots of great points here.

I completely understand where you're coming from as far as the traits.  I don't necessarily have low self-esteem.  My depression doesn't come from that.  It comes from looking at others with the things I want and feeling like it's just never going to happen for me.  The family, the wife, the home, etc.  It's just after years of struggle, I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And I don't feel I'm "worthless" because of not having material things.  It's just that from what I see based on my research with dating, the women tend to want stability, especially at my age.  Yes, those traits you mentioned are great qualities to have, but they want to see the person who is financially secure - the home, the expendable income, etc.  I just know I am far from the "ideal pick" and while my qualities do improve my value some, it's one thing for a person to say they have those qualities, it's another thing to see them successfully apply those qualities to achieve their goals.

Yes, I do have a budget.  I already live VERY frugally.  That's a large part of what makes me so unhappy.  I work so much, yet I can't enjoy any of it, because I have to save every dime that I can towards my goal (the house).  And it would be different if I at least knew what it was going to take to get there.  The most frustrating part at this point is I have no idea what it will take.  The credit repair company may be able to fix a modest amount, or they may not be able to do anything.  On the latter side, that could end up making it take 2-3yrs before I fix things.  I already spent 2yrs alone, I can't just decide to stay single for another 2-3yrs when there's no guarantee I'll even still be around by then.  I'm just tired of feeling like life is passing me by and nothing I can do about it.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Physx

[Physx]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

20k is not insurmountable. . . can you pay $1k per month?  You will be done in under 2 years. 

A credit card repair company is probably a rip off.  Instead nail down these alleged unknowns.  Learn about something called snowballing.  It's a great way to reduce debt. 

Have you figured out things to eliminate?  I used to be a shop-a-holic, I'd buy stuff when I was sad.  I learned to get some of that through grocery shopping & learning to cook.  I also found I love thrift shop bargain hunting.  Not sure that will be a thing after Covid but I loved scoring that special find.  I save sooooo much money by buying used.  

A job is just that, a job, a source of money.  Yes, it's great when it can be a source of fulfillment but be grateful you have a job.  Use the job as a means to an end, not the end itself. 

Have you ever done an analysis of your likes & interests?  there are several on the internet to help you select a path that will make you happier. 

Good luck!

Regretfully $1k per month is outside my budget.  The best I can save currently is about $350 a month.  It's hard when you have children.

Credit repair is hit or miss.  I'm working with a very reputable company, but even then, there is no guarantees.  They offer a 90-day money back guarantee though, so figured it's worth a shot.  Even if I gave them 6mos, they would refund 3mos of it if they can't fix anything.  It would save me substantially even if they could just remove one of them in that time, as it's only three debts, just big ones.

And you are right, my job is just a means to an end.  It's just frustrating when I feel like most my life is work these days, and I'm miserable doing it.  Just hard to maintain happiness when I'm spending so much time doing something I really don't like.

And I have done countless analysis of my likes and interests.  Problem is I can't change career paths at this point or else it would look bad for the lender when it comes to getting the home.

I appreciate all the feedback.  Definitely given me some things to think about.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Physx said:

 And it would be different if I at least knew what it was going to take to get there.  The most frustrating part at this point is I have no idea what it will take.  .

I don't understand how you can't know what that will take. 

Where do you want to live?  Type that zip code into a search engine & ask what the median home price is.  That is your goal.  Now you know you need 20% down plus some money for closing costs, moving, additional supplies etc.  For me that extra amount was $10,000 because I had no furniture.  I also quickly learned that cleaning supplies, a lawnmower, a snow blower etc are expensive. 

So in this frugal budget there needs to be a line item called house down payment.  Let's say you want a $200,000 house.  You need $40,000 +  For me it was always easier to save when I saw that bank account growing.   Again even if you added 10 hours per week doing some gig work & you put every penny of that into down payment that should make the balance grow a bit faster or at all if that is the only money going to the house. 

You can change jobs & buy a house.  I was a couple of days into a new job when I applied for a mortgage & only 5 months at the new place when I closed.  I did have 20% to put down & I was buying something well below what they told me I could borrow.  But the mortgage people were trying to talk me into a huge house that I couldn't afford to furnish or heat & an ARM mortgage with only 10% down.  I would have lost my house in 2008 if I had done that. 

Have you ever done a dream board?  Try that.  Cut out pictures of the house  you want.  Put them on a piece of sturdy cardboard.  Look at the collage every day to motivate yourself. 

There also needs to be a fun money line item -- you can't always deprive yourself.  You have to have some enjoyment but it doesn't have to be expensive.  But you need a treat. 

Glad the credit repair company has a money back guarantee. 

Keep plugging along.  You will get there.  But stop thinking that you have to have a house to get a date. 

[Pumaza]

Well hope you take some of the advice.lol

I hear alot of no no no. Maybe because of your depression.

20k,is not much.And it was her fault why aint she paying it.

If you dont fix your real reason that got you into this,a new girl may get you there again.

Socializing is socializing,but also you can meet someone nice without focusing on meeting someone 24/7 true that and learn more about yourself and others.Thats the point.

And when you have debt, always spoil yourself each month. Like put 50$ aside to buy your favorite something each month. Or even 5-10$.

So you can expirience some kind of enjoyment of your money. Goodluck

 

[Pumaza]

You can get a smaller place to or one few files further away. Look at what is realistic in your situation now.

[Physx]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't understand how you can't know what that will take. 

Where do you want to live?  Type that zip code into a search engine & ask what the median home price is.  That is your goal.  Now you know you need 20% down plus some money for closing costs, moving, additional supplies etc.  For me that extra amount was $10,000 because I had no furniture.  I also quickly learned that cleaning supplies, a lawnmower, a snow blower etc are expensive. 

So in this frugal budget there needs to be a line item called house down payment.  Let's say you want a $200,000 house.  You need $40,000 +  For me it was always easier to save when I saw that bank account growing.   Again even if you added 10 hours per week doing some gig work & you put every penny of that into down payment that should make the balance grow a bit faster or at all if that is the only money going to the house. 

You can change jobs & buy a house.  I was a couple of days into a new job when I applied for a mortgage & only 5 months at the new place when I closed.  I did have 20% to put down & I was buying something well below what they told me I could borrow.  But the mortgage people were trying to talk me into a huge house that I couldn't afford to furnish or heat & an ARM mortgage with only 10% down.  I would have lost my house in 2008 if I had done that. 

Have you ever done a dream board?  Try that.  Cut out pictures of the house  you want.  Put them on a piece of sturdy cardboard.  Look at the collage every day to motivate yourself. 

There also needs to be a fun money line item -- you can't always deprive yourself.  You have to have some enjoyment but it doesn't have to be expensive.  But you need a treat. 

Glad the credit repair company has a money back guarantee. 

Keep plugging along.  You will get there.  But stop thinking that you have to have a house to get a date. 

I don't know because of the debts.  Until I get those debts resolved, getting a house isn't an option.  They throw off my debt to income ratio.  The only thing I do know is that it could end up potentially costing me $20k to resolve, or waiting 3yrs for the largest one to fall off ($10k).  Like I already said, the credit repair company could fix some of it, but they also might not.  If they don't, "pay to delete" negotiations don't always work.  Not all collectors will do it, as it is looked down on by the credit bureaus.  And once again as I said, I can't try to negotiate yet, as if you do try to negotiate and they agree, they expect the money then and there.   So, there are just lots of unknowns currently that I have no control over.

As far as home furnishings, I'm really not worried about that.  I can find stuff cheap on Craigslist to start and work up from there.  My main priority is fixing my credit to the point where I can get the home.  I will qualify as a first time home buyer, as the only home I owned previously had my name on the deed, but not on the mortgage (my credit was too bad at that time , about 15yrs ago now).  With that said, once I fix my credit, the financial assistance program should take care of the down payment, hence why both lenders said just fix my credit, then they can take care of the rest.  Just easier said than done.

And yes, I can change jobs, but according to two different lenders, it has to be in the same career field or it shows instability and would hurt my approval.  Maybe things are stricter than when you got yours, but I'm going by what the lenders told me, and they both told me that changing jobs in the same career field is fine, but that I need to be in the same career field for at least two years.

As far as a dream board, I sort of do.  I have a folder of stuff.  Pictures, documents with lists of the things I want, etc.  I do use those things as a motivator.  Just hard when I can't see that finish line.  What makes it far more frustrating is that I'm having to resolve $20k of debt for which I have nothing to show for (very long story, but lost everything but my car at one point thanks to the aforementioned relationship years back).

I really do appreciate all the feedback.  The current housing situation is just one of multiple frustrations I have with dating.  I love women with goth taste (fashion), but I'm not the type of guy to get tats and piercings.  I dress the part at times, but I have no interest in piercings and don't have the extra money for tats.  In this area, goth women are VERY hard to come by.  So, while I have a couple pics on my dating profile making it clear I do like that type of fashion, it filters out a LOT of women.  My other criteria filter them down even more.  What's worse is that for whatever reason, the majority of people into goth fashion have serious psychological issues.  No idea why, but they go hand in hand.  So, I sort of feel like I'm in circumstances I don't personally like, and in the meantime, trying to find a needle in a haystack the size of the US.  I know this is a sort of defeatist attitude, but after nearly 30yrs of dating and still not finding what you truly want, it's hard to continue being optimistic about it.

[dangerous]

I'm late to this but if the OP is still around, give us an update please.

AND I can relate to so much of this but my challenges are/have been even worse: I'm in my 50's, my debts MUCH bigger, and I currently live/ share with a landlord!

And I battle depression.

And I like goth women lol

BUT I don't have your troubles dating: I have had meaningful relationships during this time as well as fun dating. 

The main difference is I do not feel inferior. I focus on my blessings. And I got super-fit. All good

ps. Currently without GF, but I rejected them.

[Watercolors]

On 8/31/2020 at 7:19 AM, d0nnivain said:

You have a scarcity mentality.  That makes you focus on what you don't have rather then all the blessing in your life. 

+1. I agree with d0nnivain that trying to reach your goals with this mental frame of mind will undermine every step you take towards your goals. So, first things first, you HAVE to change your frame of reference from 'scarcity' to 'abundance.' 

Abundance 

1. Full-time job that pays your bills, your rent, expenses, childrens' expenses
2. You can save $350 a month towards a house downpayment
3. Your credit score is fair-good range and increasing if you make payments on time
4. You have 20K in debt, not 200K, or 2,000,000
5. You are healthy
6. You have roommates to help you with your savings goals
7. You can go to a Lutheran Social Services county agency to meet with an accountant FOR FREE to help you with your budget goals
8. You can join FREE online personal finance communities to get support for your budget goals
9. You can create and save a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly list of goals for yourself and add them into your calendar as an event, so that they pop up as an event reminder. 
10. You can contact local county housing agencies in your city to find out about low-income housing loans and how to get those based on your current circumstances. You can apply for Section 8, etc. and get into a house that way, or through Habitat for Humanity, etc. there are so many ways you can buy a house with your current income where the county or state will provide you with grant money as a single father. But you have to do your research. 

I'm just saying, once you remove your negative mindset, and replace your "defeatist default" response, you can (to use a computer term) reboot your brain to think in terms of abundance and you will be able to focus more on achieving everything on your list. 

So you are feeling lonely during the pandemic and miss being in a relationship again. That's normal. Are you divorced with children, or did you never marry your previous partner/mother of your children? Do you pay alimony? Do the children live w/their mother? Where do your expenses go as far as your children's lives?