I can't seem to fall in love again

[HiCrunchy]

Ever since I fell in love once years ago, I haven't been able to find the same feeling with anyone I date. I've gone on more first dates, than I can count. They don't really go anywhere. I'm not sure what I want to get out of this post. I guess, to prove that "someone better will come along" isn't really true now is it. 😔

[Weezy1973]

Why didn’t it work out with the person you fell in love with? I remember the first time I fell in love. It was unrequited, and it took me many years until I realized I wasn’t actually in love with her, I was in love with the idealistic woman I imagined her to be. That was freeing. And in the end, someone better did come along...

Edited August 31, 2020 by Weezy1973

[HiCrunchy]

47 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why didn’t it work out with the person you fell in love with? I remember the first time I fell in love. It was unrequited, and it took me many years until I realized I wasn’t actually in love with her, I was in love with the idealistic woman I imagined her to be. That was freeing. And in the end, someone better did come along...

He fell out of love with me, left and never looked back.It doesn't matter now tho that is in the past. 

Unfortunately for me, someone better hasnt come along. I hope they show up soon, 4 years is a long time to be alone.

Edited August 31, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[chillii]

Unfortunately to really fall in love as ya know can't be made to happen or forced and 4yrs is not that bad when most people are lucky if they really find it once in a lifetime. But l believe from personal experience and common sense anyway that being very selective and only bothering with someone that is right in the first place , at least narrows it down a helluva lot . And by going that way you'll hopefully be around and available when he does cross your path instead of off wasting time with nobodies and missing it. No pain no glory.

Edited August 31, 2020 by chillii

[chillii]

ps , mind you l've also known a few people too that did the opposite said fk it went off n had fun instead , a yr later they've stumbled over someone very spesh and boom . So l suppose for some, if thy meet enough people in the end they hit the jackpot anyway.

Edited August 31, 2020 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

He fell out of love with me, left and never looked back.It doesn't matter now tho that is in the past. 

Unfortunately for me, someone better hasnt come along. I hope they show up soon, 4 years is a long time to be alone.

I think the point I was trying to convey, was that the feelings of love are generated from within more than by the other person.  
 

For someone better to come along, you actually have to stop comparing them to the one that got away.

[Wiseman2]

What dating apps/ venues are you using? Are you meeting men in real life through your interests, groups, clubs,etc.?

Are you using quality (paid) apps or hookup swipe apps?

You seem stuck in the past and stuck in idealizing the last relationship.

No one promised you "better", so it's just a matter of finding a good fit for who and where you are now.

[HiCrunchy]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think the point I was trying to convey, was that the feelings of love are generated from within more than by the other person.  
 

For someone better to come along, you actually have to stop comparing them to the one that got away.

The phrase "you'll meet someone better" implies comparison. Its only human to feel like you have lost when you measure things others have to offer you and at least till now, they haven't been as good, but I'm not trying to actively compare. If someone else could offer me the same things, then I would be over the moon but I know that isn't how life works.

In fact, I've been trying to date people that aren't my usual type, people that may not have the ideal education or even distance etc, at an attempt to find someone else. I would just see if they were attractive enough, between 21 and 35 years old, no children and had a good personality. I used to tell myself, someone that wants to be with you is better than some that leaves, no matter what other amazing qualities the one that left might have. I don't want to talk about my first love, it doesn't really matter anyways.  I haven't communicated with him in a long time, years even. He isn't someone I know anymore. 

I've tried to believe feelings come from within, but I can't seem to will them out even when the person seems okay enough. I've gone on dates in the past where I wanted to give a guy a chance, get to know him and he would hit me with "you don't seem to like me very much", even when I told them I wanted to seem them again.

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request

[chillii]

Well 21 is only gonna give you more grief later , make that 27 28 to 35.  As far as generated from within stuff l agree, real in love isn't generated buy anything you do or don't do that's not where it comes from , you can't make it.

Edited August 31, 2020 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

The phrase "you'll meet someone better" implies comparison.

But for me at least, better has nothing to do with the previous person. I found a better match for me, part of which is having someone who loves me. 

 

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

 I've tried to believe feelings come from within, but I can't seem to will them out even when the person seems okay enough.

Feelings follow our thoughts. You can’t will them to happen. It’s a matter of changing your thought patterns. Often this just happens naturally over time as we grow older and wiser and our values change. Usually when it comes to relationships, as we grow older we tend to value deeper qualities more, and value superficial qualities less. 
 

What’s the longest you’ve dated someone for in the past few years?

[Wiseman2]

When you set weird parameters, you'll get less options, not more.

If you are 25 and want something long term don't date college aged boys. No one but people who have something to hide or scammer is going to entertain long distances.

Reset your criteria to make sense.

[FMW]

Timing is out of our control and doesn't follow any predictable pattern.

Not finding love again in the last four years is not a reason to believe it  won't ever happen.  Just continue to keep open to new opportunities to meet people, you never know when one of them will really click.  Being stressed out or down about it probably slows down the process.  There's a reason why people say you meet someone when you aren't really looking.  It's easier to attract good guys when you're busy just living your life and improving yourself along the way.  

I'm falling in love with the guy I'm currently seeing, and it's most certainly different than my experiences in the past.  The "better" aspect is about the totality of the relationship and experience, not individual items that you tick off on your wish list.  

[HiCrunchy]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

What’s the longest you’ve dated someone for in the past few years?

1 month of talking, he was 28 but lived 1 hr away.

[HiCrunchy]

I recently moved from my parents home in Nov 2019, which made dating a bit easier, but because of Covid, I am mostly meeting guys through apps.

I love my parents and see them a lot, which means I have to be selective with who I meet in person, which makes things even more difficult in a dating world that was already pretty hard. I talk to them for a while, but don't feel anything. I, if I am honest, feel very bored or meh about most of the people I talk to. Its also really overwhelming, so many matches and people on these apps. And you don't even know if they are going to reply, and sometimes I am texting so many people I forget to reply to some one or 2 days and they drop off the face of the earth after that.

I had this experience pre-covid, besides of pleasant convo, I don't get much from talking to people. I don't get those feelings of love or crushes or anything like that. I did have a crush on a guy in my alumni group pre-covid, but he made it pretty clear he wasn't into me. And so it goes....

 

[mark clemson]

Hmmm. Well, if you define love as limerence (a bona fide altered state of consciousness that sometimes happens during romantic attraction), then you should recognize that significant brain chemistry changes occur that your brain eventually adjusts to (in a way similar to developing tolerance for a drug).

The "finishing" chemistry changes are semi-permanent in the sense that it will take your brain years and years (I have read on the order of 8-10 years) to be ready to experience limerence again. So limerence is genuinely rare and special in the sense that it's the kind of thing most people can only experience so many times in a lifetime. Also, our brain tends to idealize the person we have limerence for. They are "wonderful/special" no matter their actual flaws. At least while the limerence for them lasts. (And actually they were wonderful and special, to us, but that in a very real way has as much to do with us as with them.)

I'm not sure this is you, but I believe there are some people who compare partners/potential partners to people they have had limerence for. Naturally, the new potential partners always come up a bit short. But in reality the comparison is not realistic as it's impacted by the "addictive" and "dreamy" limerence experience we had for that one or two people - a  bit of a "halo effect" and one which is really a matter of brain chemistry. So, I believe this leads some people to in some cases discard pretty good normal potential partners who they could potentially have healthy, satisfying normal relationships with, while searching for that limerence unicorn.

I'm not saying the above is you, but consider it maybe as some food for thought for you as you move forward.

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

 I did have a crush on a guy in my alumni group pre-covid, but he made it pretty clear he wasn't into me. And so it goes....

Was it immediate, or did you get the crush after getting to know him a bit?

[HiCrunchy]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Was it immediate, or did you get the crush after getting to know him a bit?

For this guy, immediate for sure. He is in the same alumni group, so I had drinks with mutuals. He is very confident, and funny. He had great energy in the room. I think what made me like him was that I thought he liked me too. When we first met, he his body language made me think he wanted to be near me, but maybe I dreamed it lol

I've had crushes on friends in HS and even after college after getting to know them. Those people weren't options for other reasons, either in a relationship or really far away or I was rejected.

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I think what made me like him was that I thought he liked me too.

This is what I mean by our thoughts lead to feelings. 
 

What might be helpful is picturing the type of relationship you want instead of listing the things you’re looking for in a guy. What is the foundation of the relationship? Trust? Honesty? Communication? Often the qualities that make someone a great partner don’t reveal themselves right away, which as you’re getting older, might explain why you’re not getting immediate crushes anymore.

[HiCrunchy]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is what I mean by our thoughts lead to feelings. 
 

What might be helpful is picturing the type of relationship you want instead of listing the things you’re looking for in a guy. What is the foundation of the relationship? Trust? Honesty? Communication? Often the qualities that make someone a great partner don’t reveal themselves right away, which as you’re getting older, might explain why you’re not getting immediate crushes anymore.

I definitely agree. What we tell ourselves is more important than what really is. I think that's why after relationships end or start, people will tell themselves the story that will put their heart at ease.

In terms of what I want in a relationship, things like trust, honesty, respect and communication are things I consider to be the bare minimum in being my partner. If a person doesn't have those things, they aren't under any form of consideration (once I learn about these things of course).

Now when you have that pool to work with that need to meet the bare minimum, how do you narrow things down?

[Weezy1973]

56 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

In terms of what I want in a relationship, things like trust, honesty, respect and communication are things I consider to be the bare minimum in being my partner.

Yes exactly, but it takes awhile usually (many months at least) to know if those qualities exist long term. Many people can put their best foot forward at the beginning, and then the real version comes out as time goes on. 

 

56 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Now when you have that pool to work with that need to meet the bare minimum, how do you narrow things down?

I can only relate my own experience. After having experienced intense crushes and having those relationships end up being toxic and fail, I realized that “in love” feelings early in the dating / relationship were ultimately meaningless long term. I didn’t close myself off to that early excitement of course, I just opened myself up to the possibility of those feelings growing over time as I got to know someone better and they showed those deeper qualities I was looking for in a relationship.

And that was the big shift. So instead of only trying to date the women that were immediate “wows”, I would date anybody that met a minimum attraction level. I expanded my age range. Had no education or career preferences. And then I dated. Anybody that wasn’t an immediate “no” I would ask out again. I didn’t need super intense feelings to go on a second date. 

As one might expect the majority of the time things fizzled and ended. But I did end up meeting my now wife this way, so a definite success story.

In short, the way to narrow things down is to date people and give it a chance even if there aren’t immediate fireworks. In most cases it still won’t work, but if you’re open to it, you might meet someone special you wouldn’t have given a chance to otherwise.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Weezy1973

[HiCrunchy]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Hmmm. Well, if you define love as limerence (a bona fide altered state of consciousness that sometimes happens during romantic attraction), then you should recognize that significant brain chemistry changes occur that your brain eventually adjusts to (in a way similar to developing tolerance for a drug).

The "finishing" chemistry changes are semi-permanent in the sense that it will take your brain years and years (I have read on the order of 8-10 years) to be ready to experience limerence again. So limerence is genuinely rare and special in the sense that it's the kind of thing most people can only experience so many times in a lifetime. Also, our brain tends to idealize the person we have limerence for. They are "wonderful/special" no matter their actual flaws. At least while the limerence for them lasts. (And actually they were wonderful and special, to us, but that in a very real way has as much to do with us as with them.)

I'm not sure this is you, but I believe there are some people who compare partners/potential partners to people they have had limerence for. Naturally, the new potential partners always come up a bit short. But in reality the comparison is not realistic as it's impacted by the "addictive" and "dreamy" limerence experience we had for that one or two people - a  bit of a "halo effect" and one which is really a matter of brain chemistry. So, I believe this leads some people to in some cases discard pretty good normal potential partners who they could potentially have healthy, satisfying normal relationships with, while searching for that limerence unicorn.

I'm not saying the above is you, but consider it maybe as some food for thought for you as you move forward.

Maybe I do have limerance. But I think it might stem farther than just my first partner. Sometimes I wonder if I read too many love novels, stories, or movies that have brainwashed me to look for something that isn't real. Maybe my first love was able to fit into that mold the best.

Even when I tell my friend about a new guy I'm seeing, they can tell I do not feel that same enthusiasm I had with my first love tho I try my best to be happy. Sometimes i feel like I am lying to myself about how I feel.

When looking for love how people keep the momentum going if they don't feel like they like the person yet? I see people in relationships who look at their partners like they are the sun and stars, at 2 months or at 20 years. I remember how that feels like.

Edited August 31, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[mark clemson]

That sun and stars thing is from NRE probably and often fades after a few years (not always, but often). It's possible you have an idealized view of what love and relationships are (probably many people do). On the flip side, you need to ultimately do what will make you content. I DO think it can become more and more difficult to find "quality" males for women past about 30 just because of natural aging effects + many of the ones who are serious about LTRs are in one, leaving in many cases the ones who aren't or have issues of one sort or another. So there's that that you're up against too unfortunately.

I understand that many LTRs/marriages are the result of "settling," so IMO there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Just keep in mind that settling should mean settling for something that is (at least) pretty good, not just anything that happens to be available. Also, I've read that the life you build together matters almost as much as the person you pick, so there's that too. (But of course the person you pick must have some bearing on how good the life you have together can be, etc...)

[HiCrunchy]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes exactly, but it takes awhile usually (many months at least) to know if those qualities exist long term. Many people can put their best foot forward at the beginning, and then the real version comes out as time goes on. 

 

I can only relate my own experience. After having experienced intense crushes and having those relationships end up being toxic and fail, I realized that “in love” feelings early in the dating / relationship were ultimately meaningless long term. I didn’t close myself off to that early excitement of course, I just opened myself up to the possibility of those feelings growing over time as I got to know someone better and they showed those deeper qualities I was looking for in a relationship.

And that was the big shift. So instead of only trying to date the women that were immediate “wows”, I would date anybody that met a minimum attraction level. I expanded my age range. Had no education or career preferences. And then I dated. Anybody that wasn’t an immediate “no” I would ask out again. I didn’t need super intense feelings to go on a second date. 

As one might expect the majority of the time things fizzled and ended. But I did end up meeting my now wife this way, so a definite success story.

In short, the way to narrow things down is to date people and give it a chance even if there aren’t immediate fireworks. In most cases it still won’t work, but if you’re open to it, you might meet someone special you wouldn’t have given a chance to otherwise.

That's what I've been doing now, but will get told "You don't seem to like me very much" or "It makes me sad that you have to drink anytime you're around me". These comments make me feel bad of course.

That and my friends will ask me "sooooo how's the guy" in a teasing way that most friends who and I'll reply with "its alright." Because, that's all it is....alright.

 

Edited August 31, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

That's what I've been doing now, but will get told "You don't seem to like me very much" or "It makes me sad that you have to drink anytime you're around me". These comments make me feel bad of course.

That and my friends will ask me "sooooo how's the guy" in a teasing way that most friends who and I'll reply with "its alright." Because, that's all it is....alright.

 

Oh yeah, you have to block out the noise. Just keep going. Try not to worry about what other people think; you can’t control it anyways. Most of the guys won’t be a match, just don’t get discouraged. Each “no” is getting you closer to a “yes”.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the best way to prepare yourself for falling in love is to fall in love with life in general, and that means throwing yourself into your passions, focusing on all the wonderful things in your life, raising your vibe and state of mind overall. Then you start to attract other positive life-loving people and life just keeps getting better. Like attracts like.

I have kind of the opposite problem - I'm generally so positive and life-loving that I can find almost any date lovable (after my initial meticulous screening). I see the potential in everything and everyone and tend to overlook the flaws, brushing them off as dying leaves that will fall away eventually. But next time I date, while I'm sure I'll have as much dreamy fun as ever, I'm going to take my time and really evaluate the guy before I dive in