I can't seem to fall in love again

[Els]

32 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I see people in relationships who look at their partners like they are the sun and stars, at 2 months or at 20 years. I remember how that feels like.

I won't lie, I still feel that way with H (been about 12 years). Not ALL the time, and of course we get annoyed at each other sometimes like any other long-term couple does, but I feel that way fairly regularly.

IMO, it's rare to have a partner that you feel that way about after the honeymoon phase ends (typically 6 mths - 2 years). I think that luck does play a part in whether you find such a LTR or not, and I acknowledge that I am very, very lucky. But on the other hand, we both put a ridiculous amount of effort over the years into keeping the relationship going through things that many people would have considered not worth enduring - a couple of years of long distance, then poverty, depression, visa issues, etc. It is all worth it and I would do it all over again if I had to, but it was not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel like many people (especially of our generation) tend to view relationships and partners as disposable, plenty of fish in the sea etc. Maybe your first partner viewed it that way too? Personally I don't feel the same way. I guess it works for some people, wherein quantity (dating lots and lots of people and nexting someone at the first flaw) eventually begets them what they want. But to me, the odds of finding someone whom I'm compatible with in all the ways that matter to me, who loves me and prioritizes my happiness, AND I feel "sun and stars" about... that's like finding the holy grail. It's extremely rare and I will fight to the end of the world for it. Fortunately H felt the same way.

What do you want out of life and relationships? I don't think it's necessarily a problem to wait for the right person for as long as it takes, rather than settling. It may mean that you are alone for long periods of time, but it also means that if you do meet this person, you will be single and available rather than tied up in a mediocre relationship. If you want biological kids and that is very important to you, then perhaps "settling" may be more necessary. Or you could freeze your eggs, or get a sperm donor and go it alone if you wanted. Many options out there.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Elswyth

[HiCrunchy]

57 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

That sun and stars thing is from NRE probably and often fades after a few years (not always, but often). It's possible you have an idealized view of what love and relationships are (probably many people do). On the flip side, you need to ultimately do what will make you content. I DO think it can become more and more difficult to find "quality" males for women past about 30 just because of natural aging effects + many of the ones who are serious about LTRs are in one, leaving in many cases the ones who aren't or have issues of one sort or another. So there's that that you're up against too unfortunately.

I understand that many LTRs/marriages are the result of "settling," so IMO there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Just keep in mind that settling should mean settling for something that is (at least) pretty good, not just anything that happens to be available. Also, I've read that the life you build together matters almost as much as the person you pick, so there's that too. (But of course the person you pick must have some bearing on how good the life you have together can be, etc...)

Hmmm....Sometimes I wonder if this is a reason for affairs or open relationships.

Now that's isn't some thing I wanna talk about in my thread

Edited August 31, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[mark clemson]

Fair enough + it could be the cause of an affair - ie, via dissatisfaction with the relationship. But people change over time and 10 or 20 years later even a "perfect" partner could be offputting eventually. Also there's the aspect of choice - in at least the vast majority of cases, if you're unhappy with the marriage, it's possible to either fix it or divorce instead of choosing an affair. Plenty of people choose not to do that, for a variety of reasons, but I agree that whole thing is a separate discussion.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

I feel like many people (especially of our generation) tend to view relationships and partners as disposable, plenty of fish in the sea etc. Maybe your first partner viewed it that way too? Personally I don't feel the same way. I guess it works for some people, wherein quantity (dating lots and lots of people and nexting someone at the first flaw) eventually begets them what they want. But to me, the odds of finding someone whom I'm compatible with in all the ways that matter to me, who loves me and prioritizes my happiness, AND I feel "sun and stars" about... that's like finding the holy grail. It's extremely rare and I will fight to the end of the world for it. Fortunately H felt the same way.

The disposable mentality is part of it. But I think it's more about the fact that only a small percentage of people find their ideal partner - I'd estimate 2-5% of couples view their relationship as ideal/true love/the be-all end-all for them. You can't make something work if it's simply not right from the get-go. But once you find that ideal partner, it's worth all the blood, sweat, and tears you put into it.

[Weezy1973]

One of the main reasons for dissatisfaction in marriage is unrealistic expectations. Nobody is perfectly matched to anybody. Nobody was put on the planet to be somebody else’s partner. Our partners have their own reasons for doing things and are seeking their own happiness and it often has nothing to do with us. Accepting that reality is the key to happiness in a relationship. 

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'd estimate 2-5% of couples view their relationship as ideal/true love/the be-all end-all for them.

Where did you get that stat from? ~70% of first marriages last a lifetime. I suspect the number is a lot higher. Besides, having an abundance mindset is far healthier than having a scarcity mindset...

[Ruby Slippers]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Where did you get that stat from? ~70% of first marriages last a lifetime. I suspect the number is a lot higher. Besides, having an abundance mindset is far healthier than having a scarcity mindset...

Like I said, I estimate. Just my opinion/point of view.

Just because a marriage lasts doesn't make it true love/ideal. I personally know of only two marriages among friends that come anywhere close to ideal - what I see as ideal. Even those had off and on periods and major disagreements they had to work through over the years. Others are pleasant enough, but I don't get the impression any socks are being knocked off in most of them.

I definitely have an abundance mentality. For example, I personally feel that 95% of houses on the market are hideous/undesirable - but still, I found a very cute, cozy little starter house at a good price for myself. I spent months browsing the market till I found something that met my standard and was in my budget, but it was beyond worth the effort. I also have a high level of confidence that eventually I'll find true love in an ideal partner. 

[HiCrunchy]

I guess reality really is disappointing. 

[Weezy1973]

39 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I guess reality really is disappointing. 

Only if you fight it. Once you accept reality, it’s a beautiful thing.

[HiCrunchy]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Oh yeah, you have to block out the noise. Just keep going. Try not to worry about what other people think; you can’t control it anyways. Most of the guys won’t be a match, just don’t get discouraged. Each “no” is getting you closer to a “yes”.

How will I know who it is tho? If I don't feel anything for the guys I'm talking to? 

I guess, I'm trying to separate what is platonic vs romantic. 

[HiCrunchy]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Only if you fight it. Once you accept reality, it’s a beautiful thing.

I guess telling myself reality is beautiful is a better thought to have. As the true reality doesn't matter, just the story I tell myself.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, HiCrunchy said:

How will I know who it is tho? If I don't feel anything for the guys I'm talking to? 

I guess, I'm trying to separate what is platonic vs romantic. 

First you have be ready willing and able. If you have cactus walls up you won't find love, but maybe you don't want t right now. Dot try for the love at first sight thing. Start with kinda nice, kinda nice looking and give those guys a go. If you feel absolute zero, then politely move on. 

Think about being in public, look around. How many represent your dream lover? Not much, right? well that's how dating tend to be... but with all the OLD pressure..

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

How will I know who it is tho? If I don't feel anything for the guys I'm talking to? 

I guess, I'm trying to separate what is platonic vs romantic. 

From this it sounds like you’re trying to assess potential before meeting someone in person? If so I’d highly recommend meeting people in person (after Covid). Trying to discern anything prior to meeting is a fools errand.

[HiCrunchy]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

From this it sounds like you’re trying to assess potential before meeting someone in person? If so I’d highly recommend meeting people in person (after Covid). Trying to discern anything prior to meeting is a fools errand.

I had a lot of disappointing in-person dates before covid, so I don't know if that is the problem.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I had a lot of disappointing in-person dates before covid, so I don't know if that is the problem.

 

 

For sure, “one and done” was by far the most common outcome when I was doing OLD as well. Just have to keep going and not get discouraged. I enjoyed the majority of the dates I went on, even when it was clear we weren’t a match from the onset. It can be fun just to get out and grab a drink and get to know someone new.

 

Random question @HiCrunchy - what was your parent’s relationship like?

[HiCrunchy]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

For sure, “one and done” was by far the most common outcome when I was doing OLD as well. Just have to keep going and not get discouraged. I enjoyed the majority of the dates I went on, even when it was clear we weren’t a match from the onset. It can be fun just to get out and grab a drink and get to know someone new.

 

Random question @HiCrunchy - what was your parent’s relationship like?

Lol we r the opposite. I found these dates to feel like a chore more than fun. But that's the introvert in me. Going on a few dates every week with a stranger is so tiring. Having to be "on" all the time isn't fun.

Lol digging into my daddy issues I see. They are married now for 20 something years, she settled. I always felt bad for her, she deserves better. 

[HiCrunchy]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

First you have be ready willing and able. If you have cactus walls up you won't find love, but maybe you don't want t right now. Dot try for the love at first sight thing. Start with kinda nice, kinda nice looking and give those guys a go. If you feel absolute zero, then politely move on. 

Think about being in public, look around. How many represent your dream lover? Not much, right? well that's how dating tend to be... but with all the OLD pressure..

I am open to love, well at least my brain is. I have tried or get my heart on board by holding hands with guys, kissing or other intimate things that could help me attach myself a bit more. But even after that, I didn't "catch feelings". I felt zero. Maybe a little used. 

Lol  when i look around i dont see many, hence why the first love felt like I hit the jackpot. All he had to do was smile at me.

Oh well....

Maybe I'm not meant to find a love like that. 

 

Edited August 31, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Lol we r the opposite. I found these dates to feel like a chore more than fun. But that's the introvert in me. Going on a few dates every week with a stranger is so tiring. Having to be "on" all the time isn't fun. 

Yeah, I’m extremely introverted as well. But I had fun on the dates because I wasn’t invested in the outcome. That’s key. Don’t invest emotionally in the early stages of dating. You want to conserve that emotional energy for when things can start to become serious after a couple months of dating exclusively.

 

18 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Lol digging into my daddy issues I see. They are married now for 20 something years, she settled. I always felt bad for her, she deserves better. 

Well I have noticed patterns. Clearly people who were raised in a dysfunctional marriage tend to have a harder time with relationships when they’re adults. I’ve noticed a distinct pattern of thought which is:

Healthy, loving, long term marriages are extremely rare. Most marriages that might look happy on the outside, are actually toxic. In order to find a good partner you have to be extremely discerning at the start as the person needs to be “perfect” in order for it to work out. 
 

And then they struggle to ever find a partner that they deem “good enough”. People who had parents with a healthy relationship see how much work it takes. That there are arguments, and making up, and lots of compromise on both sides. Trust is the bedrock, and each partner genuinely cares about the others well being. It isn’t an ideal fantasy romance. It’s just regular people that care about each other, doing their best.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Weezy1973

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

Just because a marriage lasts doesn't make it true love/ideal. I personally know of only two marriages among friends that come anywhere close to ideal - what I see as ideal. Even those had off and on periods and major disagreements they had to work through over the years. Others are pleasant enough, but I don't get the impression any socks are being knocked off in most of them.

 

This way of viewing other peoples' marriages is pretty common among single young people.  I can remember doing it myself.  In my case, as I matured and found what I was looking for in another person, I easily recognized that it would not have appeared "ideal" to me with the eyes I had back in my teens and early 20's with the relationship experience I had at that time. 

I'm not denying that there are many unhealthy marriages.  But, as they say, "marriage is a marathon."  I don't think that anyone on Earth has a clue what it's like to share a life on that level until they've lived it themselves.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

I am open to love, well at least my brain is. I have tried or get my heart on board by holding hands with guys, kissing or other intimate things that could help me attach myself a bit more. But even after that, I didn't "catch feelings". I felt zero. Maybe a little used. 

Lol  when i look around i dont see many, hence why the first love felt like I hit the jackpot. All he had to do was smile at me.

Oh well....

Maybe I'm not meant to find a love like that. 

 

You claim you're not asexual but depression, anxiety and low drive, libido, etc could all be helped with an evaluation by a physician and referral to a therapist.

Why fight an uphill battle? This supposed desire for a relationship but disconnect is not a dating issue it's an issue entirely with in you. Get help now while you are young and single.

With a healthier mind and body and attitude, you'll naturally make better choices.

[HiCrunchy]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You claim you're not asexual but depression, anxiety and low drive, libido, etc could all be helped with an evaluation by a physician and referral to a therapist.

Why fight an uphill battle? This supposed desire for a relationship but disconnect is not a dating issue it's an issue entirely with in you. Get help now while you are young and single.

With a healthier mind and body and attitude, you'll naturally make better choices.

I don't need to see a doctor.

I don't talk about this but I don't have low libido, I'm horny all the f***ing time and it sucks. 

And my depression in love stems from mourning that I'll never have the kinda love and relationship I desire. And more so that I expirenced that love and it  slipped through my fingers. Like God or the universe only allowed a taste but nothing else. Opening up my appetite only to leave me starving.

It also stems from life being wholey unsatisfactory due to expectations of what u r told can be true compared to what turns out to be true. Most people seem to learn to accept it but I'm still mourning. I dont believe life is a gift. 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Wiseman2]

Who tells you how your life " is supposed to be"? Why isn't it what you want? Do you like your job, Apt, friends, family and other interests?

Having fantasies of ideal love, unlimited success, a fairy tale life,etc indicates that a therapist would do you a lot more good than random far fetched dates with people you're not attracted to.

[HiCrunchy]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who tells you how your life " is supposed to be"? Why isn't it what you want? Do you like your job, Apt, friends, family and other interests?

Having fantasies of ideal love, unlimited success, a fairy tale life,etc indicates that a therapist would do you a lot more good than random far fetched dates with people you're not attracted to.

Society implies these ideals from infancy until adulthood. You have these ideas of finding true love, building a career, and having a solid place to lay your head etc. only to learn that nothing is really what it seems. I'm not delusional in thinking I'd be a millionaire bagging models in a penthouse or anything insane.

I worked hard my entire life, only to realize it might only give you a fraction of what you are looking for, if that. I'm losing my motivations to do anything really, because why bother at all? I guess when my parents die, I don't want to be alone, and need to support myself.

 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

Well I have noticed patterns. Clearly people who were raised in a dysfunctional marriage tend to have a harder time with relationships when they’re adults. I’ve noticed a distinct pattern of thought which is:

Healthy, loving, long term marriages are extremely rare. Most marriages that might look happy on the outside, are actually toxic. In order to find a good partner you have to be extremely discerning at the start as the person needs to be “perfect” in order for it to work out. 
 

And then they struggle to ever find a partner that they deem “good enough”. People who had parents with a healthy relationship see how much work it takes. That there are arguments, and making up, and lots of compromise on both sides. Trust is the bedrock, and each partner genuinely cares about the others well being. It isn’t an ideal fantasy romance. It’s just regular people that care about each other, doing their best.

To be fair I did find someone good enough, I just wasn't good enough for them lol.

I know that love is supposed to grow comfortable with time, but without that bit of chemistry its hard for me to find the motivation to date, to find someone that is essentially a pleasant roommate that shares bills with me.

[Ruby Slippers]

You just need to try to lift your mood somehow. You don't go from depressed and forlorn to joyous and empowered overnight. It's baby steps, one day and moment at a time.

It is true what they say - happiness comes from within. Get your mind right and everything else falls into place. A partner can augment your happiness very nicely, but he can't hand it to you. It all starts within. Then you naturally attract people in a similar mindset.

You feel "blah" and are having a lot of "blah" dates. Once you feel good and hopeful, your dates will get better, too.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

To be fair I did find someone good enough, I just wasn't good enough for them lol.

Not knowing anything about this, but we’re I to guess I’d guess the relationship you had with this person was relatively short. Less than a year? Less than six months?  
 

Not that it matters, you two weren’t a match. Doesn’t matter if one person decides that. But hanging on to that seems to have kept you stuck.

 

5 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

I know that love is supposed to grow comfortable with time, but without that bit of chemistry its hard for me to find the motivation to date, to find someone that is essentially a pleasant roommate that shares bills with me.

Chemistry can grow with time, but also instant chemistry is no indicator of long term compatibility or relationship success.  My two most toxic relationships started with crazy firework chemistry. Not to say you should avoid instant chemistry of course, just that chemistry doesn’t need to be instant.