I can't seem to fall in love again

[HiCrunchy]

10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You just need to try to lift your mood somehow. You don't go from depressed and forlorn to joyous and empowered overnight. It's baby steps, one day and moment at a time.

It is true what they say - happiness comes from within. Get your mind right and everything else falls into place. A partner can augment your happiness very nicely, but he can't hand it to you. It all starts within. Then you naturally attract people in a similar mindset.

You feel "blah" and are having a lot of "blah" dates. Once you feel good and hopeful, your dates will get better, too.

I'm trying, but its been so hard. I won't make a laundry list of my problems, but I will say I have been trying so hard the last few years to improve my situation. Because of these improvements I am feeling less stress. For example:

-Was hired for a new job, in a new field 4 months ago making double what I used to make with room for growth in the company (after applying to places for more than 1 year, and countless interviews and rejections). And I did it with my useless degree.

-Moved out of my parents home end of 2019, with my sibling who's my best friend. I love my parents but living with them is so stressful, and makes dating impossible. I felt so alone, so after my sibling came back from college and moving in with them really made me feel happier! We are close.

-Started my roth IRA and contributed to my 401k, using company max match. I have 35 k in regular savings as well (might use some of this money for grad school, currently applying). I'll have more money to put towards that for 2021 but might keep some for a down payment on a home if I find a partner that is.

-Started working out, goal weight is 98 pounds (I'm short don't worry).

-Journaling again (I used to love writing as a kid)

-Before covid, I was being social with my alumni group (tho I hadn't made local friends just yet)

-And signed up for a dating app and going on dates with "ok" guys in an attempt to find love (nothing worked out)

I am not just sitting and moping about. I really am trying.

If I am honest, I am not sure that I feel "happier" but I do feel less anxiety and stress than I used to.

Edited September 2, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not knowing anything about this, but we’re I to guess I’d guess the relationship you had with this person was relatively short. Less than a year? Less than six months?  
 

Not that it matters, you two weren’t a match. Doesn’t matter if one person decides that. But hanging on to that seems to have kept you stuck.

 

Chemistry can grow with time, but also instant chemistry is no indicator of long term compatibility or relationship success.  My two most toxic relationships started with crazy firework chemistry. Not to say you should avoid instant chemistry of course, just that chemistry doesn’t need to be instant.

Wow, you are good at this, yep short relationship. I do have a lot of whatifs at times...other times I feel like he stole something from me....sigh....

Just because one person in the relationship believed we were incompatible doesn't mean we were incompatible, only because it is an opinion. Its not an objective assessment of the relationship. Most decisions revolving relationships are feeling based and rationalized later. Compatibility doesn't matter as much as the two individuals desire to commit to maintaining a relationship. Which means, the only thing that matters is if that the person does or doesn't want to be with you and vice versa. I don't believe that we were incompatible. But what I believe doesn't matter, because all that matters is if he wants me, and he doesn't, and there is nothing I can do about that....

I will try, but dating in this way really does feel like job hunting....

 

 

Edited September 2, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Wiseman2]

Your dating life would be a lot less stressful without all the  "shoulds" 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Just because one person in the relationship believed we were incompatible doesn't mean we were incompatible, only because it is an opinion.

Actually, it does mean you're incompatible.  The couple is only compatible if both sides feel equal enthusiasm for the other.  

That said, my best relationships started out with 🎆

Edited September 2, 2020 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Quote

Just because one person in the relationship believed we were incompatible doesn't mean we were incompatible

So you are incompatible about being incompatible?🤔

[HiCrunchy]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Actually, it does mean you're incompatible.  The couple is only compatible if both sides feel equal enthusiasm for the other.  

That said, my best relationships started out with 🎆

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you are incompatible about being incompatible?🤔

What I mean is two individuals desires to be together doesn't mean they are compatible. And having one or both people desire to no longer be together doesn't mean they are incompatible. Incompatiblity is an objective accessment not an opinion.

 

[Wiseman2]

Relationships take two but breakups only takes one. 

[HiCrunchy]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relationships take two but breakups only takes one. 

Well yeah, because desire to be in the relationship is what matters, not compatibility. 

Once one person has the decided they no longer have a desire for you or the relationship,  its done. Things like values, attractiveness, life path, goals, qualities that would say you are compatible no longer matter, only their desire to be with you does.

I think its easier to say, incompatibility is the reason, because it hurts less than saying they didn't want you. I think most people tell themselves stories that make things hurt less.

Ultimately what I think about the topic doesn't matter, because it doesn't change my circumstances really.

 

 

Edited September 2, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Ruby Slippers]

11 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

I'm trying, but its been so hard. I won't make a laundry list of my problems, but I will say I have been trying so hard the last few years to improve my situation. Because of these improvements I am feeling less stress. For example:

-Was hired for a new job, in a new field 4 months ago making double what I used to make with room for growth in the company (after applying to places for more than 1 year, and countless interviews and rejections). And I did it with my useless degree.

-Moved out of my parents home end of 2019, with my sibling who's my best friend. I love my parents but living with them is so stressful, and makes dating impossible. I felt so alone, so after my sibling came back from college and moving in with them really made me feel happier! We are close.

-Started my roth IRA and contributed to my 401k, using company max match. I have 35 k in regular savings as well (might use some of this money for grad school, currently applying). I'll have more money to put towards that for 2021 but might keep some for a down payment on a home if I find a partner that is.

-Started working out, goal weight is 98 pounds (I'm short don't worry).

-Journaling again (I used to love writing as a kid)

-Before covid, I was being social with my alumni group (tho I hadn't made local friends just yet)

-And signed up for a dating app and going on dates with "ok" guys in an attempt to find love (nothing worked out)

I am not just sitting and moping about. I really am trying.

If I am honest, I am not sure that I feel "happier" but I do feel less anxiety and stress than I used to.

That's awesome! So you have some good momentum going. Just stick with that. If you're focused on life getting better and better, it has a way of doing just that.

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

I do have a lot of whatifs at times...other times I feel like he stole something from me....sigh....

He didn’t steal anything from you, and lamenting in “what if’s” is keeping you stuck. The relationship was short, and likely so short that you didn’t even know him that well. What you fell in love with was the story you made up about him in your head, likely driven by attraction / hormones etc. And because it was so short lived, you still hold onto that idealized image in your head. 

Your thoughts are what’s keeping you stuck, not him. 

 

11 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Just because one person in the relationship believed we were incompatible doesn't mean we were incompatible, only because it is an opinion. Its not an objective assessment of the relationship.

By definition, compatibility means both people are on the same page in wanting to continue with the relationship. If one person wants to end it, it means you’re no longer compatible. The reason is irrelevant. If you can switch your thinking from “He was the one and we would have been so great together” to “He freed me up to find someone that is on the same page as me for a relationship” you will begin to be able to move forward.

[chillii]

On 9/2/2020 at 2:04 PM, HiCrunchy said:

I'm trying, but its been so hard. I won't make a laundry list of my problems, but I will say I have been trying so hard the last few years to improve my situation. Because of these improvements I am feeling less stress. For example:

-Was hired for a new job, in a new field 4 months ago making double what I used to make with room for growth in the company (after applying to places for more than 1 year, and countless interviews and rejections). And I did it with my useless degree.

-Moved out of my parents home end of 2019, with my sibling who's my best friend. I love my parents but living with them is so stressful, and makes dating impossible. I felt so alone, so after my sibling came back from college and moving in with them really made me feel happier! We are close.

-Started my roth IRA and contributed to my 401k, using company max match. I have 35 k in regular savings as well (might use some of this money for grad school, currently applying). I'll have more money to put towards that for 2021 but might keep some for a down payment on a home if I find a partner that is.

-Started working out, goal weight is 98 pounds (I'm short don't worry).

-Journaling again (I used to love writing as a kid)

-Before covid, I was being social with my alumni group (tho I hadn't made local friends just yet)

-And signed up for a dating app and going on dates with "ok" guys in an attempt to find love (nothing worked out)

I am not just sitting and moping about. I really am trying.

If I am honest, I am not sure that I feel "happier" but I do feel less anxiety and stress than I used to.

 

Your doing great , incredible , be proud of yourself eh you should feel really really pleased with hicrunchy. And you've got great plans and ideas about things you wanna do , ease up on yourself .

Love , you can't just go and fall in love again, you could meet 200 people and nothing, it just takes the right person and that takes time and happens when it happens. So to think you can't seem to fall in love , well of course you can't , you haven't met the right guy yet. It's nothing your doing we can't just make someone the right person . l'd try to just relax on that whole thing , go on with life and things that make you happy , you'll keep meeting people a long the way and one day someone will b the right one.

Edited September 6, 2020 by chillii

[Commongoal123]

On 8/31/2020 at 12:36 AM, HiCrunchy said:

He fell out of love with me, left and never looked back.It doesn't matter now tho that is in the past. 

Unfortunately for me, someone better hasnt come along. I hope they show up soon, 4 years is a long time to be alone.

If he fell out of love with you and then never looked back, he couldn't have possibly been that awesome, could he?

Are you idolizing him?

Along the lines of what someone else here said... Is what's holding you back maybe you still being in love with the IDEA of who you THOUGHT he was?

Authentic people generally don't just fallnout of love and dispose a lover.

[HiCrunchy]

On 9/16/2020 at 10:16 PM, Commongoal123 said:

If he fell out of love with you and then never looked back, he couldn't have possibly been that awesome, could he?

Are you idolizing him?

Along the lines of what someone else here said... Is what's holding you back maybe you still being in love with the IDEA of who you THOUGHT he was?

Authentic people generally don't just fallnout of love and dispose a lover.

He was great, but not perfect. I never claimed he was. We was close to perfect tho.

You can only be in love with the idea of who you think someone is. Its not like we can ever see someone through an objective lens. Every relationship we have is with who we believe that person to be.

[Fletch Lives]

Love is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Where are you meeting these dates? - online? Sometimes you have to be around people for a time to fall in love - like at a class or a weekly social event.

[HiCrunchy]

On 9/18/2020 at 2:20 AM, Fletch Lives said:

Love is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Where are you meeting these dates? - online? Sometimes you have to be around people for a time to fall in love - like at a class or a weekly social event.

 

Right now I am looking for dates online. Being around too many people isn't really all that safe right now.

Just came back from what I thought would be a good date, but wasn't. He wasn't attractive to me, at all, and the date sucked too. I am going on another one tomorrow but its hard to be optimistic whenever a guy you go out with ends up not being attractive in person. Not to mention this dude was inconsiderate too, and I paid for everything....

Being around someone everyday doesn't make someone sexually attractive to me in general. I went through school and college without having sexual feelings on someone I was friends with (tho I friend zoned a lot men I suppose), but I did occasionally get crushes on them or feelings but not beyond kissing them, no. 

I'm so sad now...am I just ugly....I don't understand....I feel like the only thing I can do is settle. The thought of that depresses me so much.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

 

I'm so sad now...am I just ugly....I don't understand....I feel like the only thing I can do is settle. The thought of that depresses me so much.

Online dates almost never work out. That’s just the nature of the beast, and you’ll likely be happier if you just adjust your expectations. Most dates will be meh, some will be terrible, but once in awhile you’ll get a good one. Don’t get discouraged. 

[HiCrunchy]

20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Online dates almost never work out. That’s just the nature of the beast, and you’ll likely be happier if you just adjust your expectations. Most dates will be meh, some will be terrible, but once in awhile you’ll get a good one. Don’t get discouraged. 

I went on second date. He really likes me, i think. He was nice to me, and wants to see me again. Like most guys do...

I don't know what to do. Should I see him again. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

I went on second date. He really likes me, i think. He was nice to me, and wants to see me again. Like most guys do...

I don't know what to do. Should I see him again. 

Do you like him? I mean it doesn’t have to be sparks flying heart thumping chemistry, but did you have a good time? 
 

Generally though, sure go on a second date. What do you have to lose?

[HiCrunchy]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you like him? I mean it doesn’t have to be sparks flying heart thumping chemistry, but did you have a good time? 
 

Generally though, sure go on a second date. What do you have to lose?

He was nice, we had fun (we were doing fun stuff, but if we had a coffee date things might not have been as fun) but I wasn't physically attracted to him. I've been on a lot of dates like that. When do I stop going on dates without feeling anything, you know? 

 

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

When do I stop going on dates without feeling anything, you know? 

 

I usually gave it about three dates, but a couple times tried more to see if any attraction developed. There isn’t really a hard rule or anything. 

[HiCrunchy]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I usually gave it about three dates, but a couple times tried more to see if any attraction developed. There isn’t really a hard rule or anything. 

What things did u notice on the third date that made u attracted to them physically that you didnt see on the first? 

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

After my dates this weekend, I cried.

I was at a popular date spot. I saw so many couples today, even one kissing. I almost cried during my date because I realized how much I wish I had that.

I look at the cute guys, around my age with girls that look like me, and wonder why I can't experience that. I looked at my date that I wasn't into, I could feel myself fake smiling, being polite. Holding his hand....but he really liked me. They usually do....

But I'm crying now too. But I agreed to see him again. He seems so happy......

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

What things did u notice on the third date that made u attracted to them physically that you didnt see on the first? 

 

Usually nothing. The third date was the last one. The times it turned into a relationship it wasn’t anything physical. It was more a mental connection. But I never dated anyone I was physically repulsed by. Just not every date was immediate sparks / chemistry either.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said:

After my dates this weekend, I cried.

I was at a popular date spot. I saw so many couples today, even one kissing. I almost cried during my date because I realized how much I wish I had that.

I look at the cute guys, around my age with girls that look like me, and wonder why I can't experience that. I looked at my date that I wasn't into, I could feel myself fake smiling, being polite. Holding his hand....but he really liked me. They usually do....

But I'm crying now too. But I agreed to see him again. He seems so happy......

 

Why don’t you date cute guys you’re attracted to? 

[HiCrunchy]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why don’t you date cute guys you’re attracted to? 

Its hard to find men I'm attracted to, to date.