fluidian Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 I’m planning on proposing to the woman I love. She’s amazing, makes be a better person, and all the other stuff you hear everyone mention...I know I really lucked out on finding and connecting with her. Anyhow - we’re both on the slightly older side for a first marriage (~40), she moved half way across the country with me for a job I took, and we’ve been together for 4-5 years. Things finally feel just right, but with COVID - and we’re both fearful of it - how important is a big deal, planned proposal? She’s told me she’s waiting to get married and I’d like to get to the question sooner than later, but with the environment and pseudo-quarantine, it’s a bit harder than usual to make it really stand out. My question is how detrimental to the marriage would it be if it wasn’t the big experience proposal and was something maybe a bit more casual with good take out at home? This is part of a balancing act of timeline vs quality. I’ve never had the impression that she cared too much about the specifics, but it also only happens once (hopefully!) and I want to try to ensure there isn’t any real damage done. Any thoughts would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 I’m around your age and never married. I’m not really into over the top romance and especially nothing too public. I’d be happy with a low key proposal. Two years ago my 40 year old friend’s boyfriend hired a group of musicians to serenade her in public in London. They had a dance with everyone watching and then he proposed. I would have wanted the earth to swallow me whole. None of our friends were really into that public spectacle but she loved it. it would depend on her personality of course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) At 40 and 5 years in with a desire for marriage, I think she'll be happy that you popped the question no matter how you do it. Just put some nice thought into it. Can you take her for a picnic in a local park (weather permitting) with her favorite foods and hire a friend or photographer to be at a distance and get a few photos when you ask in a lovely way? Simple but safe. Or rent a nice AirBnb in a scenic space, a favorite hiking spot, some place that you know she loves, etc. Get some flowers and tell her what you told us here as part of your set up--how she makes you a better man, enriches your life, how you feel lucky to have her. You know her better than us, I'm sure you can get creative with it and still have it turn out well. Edited August 31, 2020 by healing light 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 How romantic is she? How much does she appreciate romantic gestures? I say if she's The One, make it special. It's a memory she'll carry with her forever, so make it the best memory you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Just do it and stop stalling. It doesn't matter if it's just a dinner and a ring. Planning far fetched rom com stuff often backfires. Keep in mind marriage is a legally binding contract that you have to live with. The proposal is a fleeting thing Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Whatever you do don't do it in public. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Congrats on finding the one! Really, that is what matters. The moment itself isn't as important as how it feels. These days I have seen people propose after a day of hiking, picnics, or with high-end takeout and fancy cakes (bakeries are still open!). As others have said, what matters is her personality. And you want her to be as comfortable as possible in the moment --- not stressed or anxious or on edge. Whatever it takes to achieve that, and then go for it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 I think It depends on the mindset of the person. My first husband proposed to me in the car in a store parking lot. I was young and clueless and over the moon with happiness so did not care that it wasn’t romantic. Fast forward to current fiancé who proposed very romantically during a carriage ride in Central Park with my daughter watching. I will tell you that the moment and circumstance of the proposal meant more to me now than it did 27 years ago. Yes, I would have been thrilled if he did it during takeout at home. But it was so much more special for me the way he planned it out and made it so memorable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 9 hours ago, fluidian said: My question is how detrimental to the marriage would it be if it wasn’t the big experience proposal and was something maybe a bit more casual with good take out at home? Only your lady can answer that. It matters to some but not to others. IMO the fact that you don't know how she feels about this & have to ask on the internet tells me it's premature for you to pop the question. Spend more time getting to know her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 (edited) @d0nnivain is right. Different women want different things and you should have an idea by now how important romance is to her. I'm female, a bit older than you and I really don't like romance all that much. So a proposal which is a big *thing* would leave me feeling more than a little uncomfortable. But I'm not your partner and her view is the only one which counts. Looking at your history, you've been together about five years. So you tell us..... are grand gestures important to her? Edited September 1, 2020 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 (edited) All you said was Quote I’ve never had the impression that she cared too much about the specifics but that doesn't tell you much about how romantic she would like the proposal to be. Public v private. Practical v romantic. Some women want the grand over the top things -- a scavenger hunt with photographers along the way culminating with the nearest & dearest there to witness the actual question. Others would be OK with a discussion followed by a joint trip to the jewelry store to pick out a ring or no ring at all. There's an awful lot of middle grown in between My answer stands.. . 5 years into this you should already know the answer to your question about what her preference would be. For you to be asking a bunch of strangers on the internet is troubling. Even if you get a survey to confirm that 80% of women want one type of proposal, she may very will be in the minority so following conventional wisdom will steer you wrong. I hope it turns out well but I have my doubts. Edited September 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quoted inappropriate comment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 Ask her how she'd like to be proposed to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted September 13, 2020 Share Posted September 13, 2020 On 8/31/2020 at 11:04 AM, fluidian said: She’s told me she’s waiting to get married and I’d like to get to the question sooner than later, YouTube has lots of videos on engagements.... Some of the better ones is where the guy fakes it a couple of times, drops the hint it is coming then doesn't ask the question on the night she expects it..... Adds to the tension. Just don't string her along to much.... If she's after "The Big White Wedding" she may have to wait until Covid blows over if there are local or travel restrictions. Depends where you and your guests are. That might be another couple of years. Who's to know.... Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted September 13, 2020 Share Posted September 13, 2020 I always thought public proposals or with parties were silly. I thought the wedding was supposed to be the big public event? Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted November 16, 2020 Share Posted November 16, 2020 I think you can still make it *special* without it being an outlandishly grand gesture. The important thing is to convey that you put a bit of thought into it, and to communicate how much it means to you to spend the rest of your lives together. That doesn't mean you have to blow a bunch of cash and hire a band at a fancy restaurant. Maybe just cook her her favourite meal, set a nice table, buy her some flowers, and tell her over dinner why you want to marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts