After 3 years she finally let me go

[Grisha]

I’ve been posting on here over the years about the same girl I fell in love with. She had many problems in life and I was the complete opposite. We got along beautifully and I’ve been able to feel what it’s like to really love someone and give it your all. She left me 3 times but this one I feel is the last time. She usually would contact me even though I’d tell her not to but she never let me go completely even while dating others. She would always find a way to contact me and get me to accept her back. In my eyes I saw her as a young beautiful woman who just didn’t have her life together and I was always her rock who helped her with a lot. The first relationship lasted 8 months, with a 4 month break. Then a 13 month relationship with a 4 month break. But this time it only lasted 6 weeks and ended up with her crying about how she feels so terrible of constantly hurting/leaving me.. this time she let me go and actually blocked me after telling me she loved me very much but didn’t feel in love with me.

We are 25 years old and I don’t think I’ll ever really fully recover from this. I absolutely love everything about my life because I’m already basically retired now self made too. She was there when I started the business and lived with me when it got very difficult a year ago. I had all these fantasies of us being happy together forever with me supporting us. I didn’t want it with anyone new.

I don’t even think I will take her back this time because I seem to have lost all trust and respect for myself already. Has this ever happened to anyone?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It seems very conflicted and turbulent. On)off relationships are fraught with unresolved issues.

Apparently she's been quite unhappy for quite some time, not the fairy tale you describe.

Why did she keep breaking up? It seems like your goals and values differ a lot and that has never been resolved.

Coasting along in a nebulous on/off roller coaster seems more like a nightmare than a fairy tale.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Ah, Grisha.

I remember your posts about this girl and your turbulent relationship with her. It is going to be far better for you to have this woman out of your life. You need to start addressing what attracts you to that sort of drama and dysfunction, and why you preferred to believe the fantasy rather than the reality. 

To be fair, you're still very young. Lots of life left to live, lots of people to meet and relationships to explore. It seems unfathomable now because you've been enmeshed in this toxicity for so long, but this woman is not the be-all and end-all. There will be others who can offer you the sort of happy, truly stable relationship you're looking for. This woman was never it. 

[schlumpy]

I think you are still living the fairy tale. You are not the rock for a woman who is only there between relationships. You are simply shelter from the storm. 

[Wiseman2]

She regularly goes off on drug trips and with other guys.

Wholly incompatible comes to mind. Dating is not for alleviating boredom.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Grisha]

I was thinking back to my 5 relationships and the only time I really get loved was by a girl who was obsessive over me and I was stuck in that relationship for 3 years as well. I didn’t know how to break it off with her. I was only 15-18 then. I’ve never felt healthy love from a woman besides my loving mom who has always been there for me and made every sacrifice. I help everyone around me. It is something that makes me happy. I want to do volunteer work and coach sports at school. I feel like I’m attracted to people who need help.

[Fox Sake]

7 hours ago, Grisha said:

I’ve been posting on here over the years about the same girl I fell in love with. She had many problems in life and I was the complete opposite. We got along beautifully and I’ve been able to feel what it’s like to really love someone and give it your all. She left me 3 times but this one I feel is the last time. She usually would contact me even though I’d tell her not to but she never let me go completely even while dating others. She would always find a way to contact me and get me to accept her back. In my eyes I saw her as a young beautiful woman who just didn’t have her life together and I was always her rock who helped her with a lot. The first relationship lasted 8 months, with a 4 month break. Then a 13 month relationship with a 4 month break. But this time it only lasted 6 weeks and ended up with her crying about how she feels so terrible of constantly hurting/leaving me.. this time she let me go and actually blocked me after telling me she loved me very much but didn’t feel in love with me.

We are 25 years old and I don’t think I’ll ever really fully recover from this. I absolutely love everything about my life because I’m already basically retired now self made too. She was there when I started the business and lived with me when it got very difficult a year ago. I had all these fantasies of us being happy together forever with me supporting us. I didn’t want it with anyone new.

I don’t even think I will take her back this time because I seem to have lost all trust and respect for myself already. Has this ever happened to anyone?

She left you because she felt bad? No.
She left you because she wanted what she couldn’t have. Then got it and boom the game was over. All the power was hers again in an instant.  (Assuming she wasn’t just trying to force a feeling of love on to herself for the sake of a possibly easier life , and couldn’t manage. 25 is still party time for a lot of people and that thought Of being able to have no job and a life of leisure may be attractive to some people) 

So, assuming the other variable isn’t the reason.  
You were available for her on a plate after all her clawing back she did. It’s possible you devalued yourself romantically in her eyes.  Now you’re the one feeling bad because you want what you can’t have,  and she obviously wasn’t serious about her feeling for you. She’s the one who’s left on her own moral high ground made of thin air and unicorn turds,  so no wonder you’re feeling deflated. That was likely what she wanted so she could move on. 

There’s nothing wrong with you, but this girl sounds all kinds of baggage-laiden. You should be counting yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet now and not another year down. By the unspoken rule that I just completely made up because it’s logical, it has bought you more time in life to meet someone more compatible. You’ll see this really soon, it’ll become apparent to you that you don’t like her as much as you think you do right now. 
 

If you really loved this girl like you think you do right now , Then you wouldn’t have dated others when you broke up...you wouldn’t have been able to. Because despite being broken up it would have felt like cheating and broken your heart. When people really like one another, they don’t leave a relationship. They work at it.  

She isn’t following her normal breakup behaviour pattern and has told you she isn’t in love with you. Be glad she blocked you. Once those words are out (ILYBNILWU) there’s no taking them back and no one wants to feel rejected, which is why you feel this way. So onward and upward you go from here. 
I hope by your lack of trust or self respect it’s because you keep taking her back when you should have dropped her at the very most - the second time she left. 

Sounds like you got your sh** together in life so I’m sure you won’t have any troubles meeting other people. You can and you will get over this. Like with all things emotional, they just take time to process. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Grisha said:

I was thinking back to my 5 relationships and the only time I really get loved was by a girl who was obsessive over me and I was stuck in that relationship for 3 years as well. I didn’t know how to break it off with her. I was only 15-18 then. I’ve never felt healthy love from a woman besides my loving mom 

Well, this isn't so unusual when you're only 25. You still don't have a lot of life experience yet so don't get too discouraged. 

You have a lot of exploring still to do, but you first have to learn to how to love in a healthy way, too. By continuously letting this woman back into you life, you were operating from an unhealthy place yourself. What this woman was offering you wasn't love, and you both have issues to address. Yours seems to be tied more closely to codependency and likely some issues with low self-esteem, as is often in the case in toxic relationships. 

When you do the necessary work on yourself, healthier and more stable relationships will follow, because you won't put up with off-on BS. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all, your fantasies of being with this woman ... aren't fantasies ... their delusional, denial-based nightmares. 

This woman dumped you three times. And you kept taking her back. I have NEVER seen that work. NEVER! 

 I saw her as a young beautiful woman who just didn’t have her life together and I was always her rock who helped her with a lot. 

Dude, drop this "rock" thinking. This was some nonsense that somehow got into our language. You don't want to be someone's rock. You want a mutually wonderful relationship where you both provide equal nurture and comfort to the other person. Being a "rock" is just a way of neglecting yourself. Drop that. 

Trust me: this is not the relationship of your dreams. You must have had some terrible relationships for you to consider this one some amazing success. Let this woman go. She has always told you she doesn't want to be with you ... three times! Listen the first time. The right woman will WANT to be with you ... won't need you to be her "rock." 

BTW: this whole "rock" pose is a male blackhole. It's also condescending--based on the premise that you provide the stability and maturity and all of that. The implication of that thinking is that she gets to be chaotic, immature, distant, hot & cold and on and on. And here's the cold truth: women don't like guys who are just rocks. Because by placing yourself in that role, you make her the focus of the relationship attention. You want her to be into you for your values, interests, personality, humor, whatever--ANYTHING is better than that you were a "rock." 

Leading with being a "rock" is just one step away from being Mr. Nice Guy. It's a way of hiding dude. You don't want to be someone's rock. In the best relationship there will naturally be periods when one partner is overwhelmed and the other one steps up. You don't want to go INTO a relationship doing that. 

Move on dude.