Thoughts on this situation and what you would do?

[Tori101]

Me and my ex partner were together for 2.5 years and he is the first guy I ever loved. I have had two boyfriends before one when I was a teenager that was awful and another where he cheated on me so I ended the relationship. I realise now that I never truly loved them as the love I feel for my current ex is so strong and all encompassing. The relationship in my eyes was good I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything for him. He has mental health problems suffers with depression and anxiety he has also attempted suicide on a few occasions after his mother’s sudden death. During the relationship I supported him with his mental health, helped him out financial and tried to be the best partner I could be. We continuously spoke about the future moving in together, marriage and starting a family. We were very committed to each other. During lockdown we moved in with each other as I was working in his area as I’m a key worker working  in social care. His company temporarily closed at the government advise. Things were fine then he started spending all day in bed I would come in from work and he would ask what’s for dinner from his bed. I would work all day then cook for us and do other miscellaneous chores he did nothing. I would then joke calling him a lazy bum and he seemed to respond okay to it. I would try to have serious conversations about his sleeping as it was frustrating but it was ignored so I stuck to the jokes. One day he said that the jokes were affecting his mental health severely. I felt so guilty and apologised but he continued staying in bed and me doing everything but I couldn’t really approach him about it as I didn’t want to make his health worse. One day he did a disappearing act got very drunk and stayed out all night which was worrying for me he didn’t really apologise either. A week after this we got into an argument I dropped mail down to his brother which is an 1hr journey. I asked his brother why he hadn’t redirected his mail and his brother said it wasn’t my concern. My ex then said I was rude I responded saying that seemed very sensitive as I didn’t think it was rude me asking why his brother hadn’t redirected his mail and he just became very rude and end our relationship. I was devastated and next day found out I was pregnant. I was on contraception it failed he was very abusive saying really awful things, begged me to terminate, tried guilt tripping me into terminating, chopped & changed his mind concerning support. Also  said he’d get back with me if I terminated the pregnancy knowing that I was so heartbroken and lost without him. He played on my emotions essentially. I stopped talking to him when I made the decision to continue with the pregnancy as he was making my life very challenging. Three weeks ago we started to try and be friends and we working on a friendship things were going well. However recently he messaged me saying he didn’t want any further contact and no involvement. It was devastating as I love him so much I responded emotionally and haven’t spoken to him since. I have also blocked him as he was just making me feel low. I approached his brothers asking for involvement they said that if my ex doesn’t have involvement then they won’t in order to protect my ex mental health. After that I haven’t spoken to any of them just concreted on other things but I do keep thinking of him. I just want to know what you think? Would you not have contact with him? How would you proceed moving forward? Everyone in my life is very emotional concerning this situation as my family & friends loved him so much so I just wanted an outsiders opinion. 
Thank you so much : ) 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Tori101 said:

He has mental health problems suffers with depression and anxiety he has also attempted suicide on a few occasions after his mother’s sudden death. One day he did a disappearing act got very drunk and stayed out all night which was worrying for me he didn’t really apologise either. 

I was on contraception it failed he was very abusive saying really awful things, begged me to terminate, tried guilt tripping me into terminating, chopped & changed his mind concerning support. 

I stopped talking to him when I made the decision to continue with the pregnancy as he was making my life very challenging. 

Sorry to hear this. Do have support systems around you? friends family? The best you can do is take care of your physical and emotional health. He is too unstable to be a decent partner.  However when the child is born he will have to pay child support whether he wants visitation or not. Do not let someone this unstable around a child alone.

[assertives]

Doesn't sound like he is in any state to be a good partner let alone be a parent. If you are keeping this child, you are likely to be alone raising him/her. I would suggest focusing on your child and your own well-being and forget about trying to mend the relationship. As for keeping contact, because you have a child together, it may not be possible to go strictly NC unless he decides to sign away his rights. But I would suggest seeing a lawyer to discuss child support and visitation rights given the circumstances you are in.

[Wiseman2]

The saddest part is that you chose an abusive depressed suicidal heavy drinker as the  absentee father of  child who will also have a single mother. The genetics and environment here couldn't be much worse.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Why be physically intimate with someone like this? 

[kendahke]

On 8/31/2020 at 3:54 PM, Tori101 said:

Would you not have contact with him?

Only through a lawyer.

Quote

How would you proceed moving forward?

I would go for paternity tests and have him pay child support, since you're keeping the baby. I wouldn't count on him being of much help in any other way. You're going to be a single mother--get your support tribe around you now because you're going to need their help.

I'd leave him alone--he's shown you for some time now that he's not a man... he's a dude who posts up and treats you like you're his mother, not his partner.

Whatever fantasies you've been cultivating of him and you and the perfect life together? Stop. Time to pull all that out and trash it.

As far as his brother is concerned, go to the post office and fill out a change of address form for his mail to be delivered where he lives. If it isn't your business, then it isn't your business, so act like it.  What a jerk!! Either that or throw it away. He's grown enough to smart off to you, let him be grown enough to face the consequences of not taking care of his own business... they both act like they need a mother.

[Tori101]

On 8/31/2020 at 9:47 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Do have support systems around you? friends family? The best you can do is take care of your physical and emotional health. He is too unstable to be a decent partner.  However when the child is born he will have to pay child support whether he wants visitation or not. Do not let someone this unstable around a child alone.

Thank you for this feedback. I’m fortunate that I do have a great support network of family & friends who have been my rock since this has happened. I wasn’t even sure as to whether I should apply for child maintenance but my family have said that I should especially as he owes me a ton of money and isn’t paying it back which I know is not the reason as to why you apply for child maintenance they are just angry and feel it’s only fair 

[Tori101]

On 9/1/2020 at 11:15 AM, assertives said:

Doesn't sound like he is in any state to be a good partner let alone be a parent. If you are keeping this child, you are likely to be alone raising him/her. I would suggest focusing on your child and your own well-being and forget about trying to mend the relationship. As for keeping contact, because you have a child together, it may not be possible to go strictly NC unless he decides to sign away his rights. But I would suggest seeing a lawyer to discuss child support and visitation rights given the circumstances you are in.

Thank you for this advise! I am trying to focus on my baby & myself by gaining different qualifications to better myself and progress within my work but I just didn’t know what to concerning my ex. But I know I will be raising this child by myself for sure and I think seeking legal advise could be helpful regarding child access 

[Tori101]

On 9/1/2020 at 11:25 AM, Wiseman2 said:

The saddest part is that you chose an abusive depressed suicidal heavy drinker as the  absentee father of  child who will also have a single mother. The genetics and environment here couldn't be much worse.

Thank you for taking the time out to reply. I did not plan this pregnancy however despite always having an underlying mental health issue and when he was much younger felt suicidal when we were together he was not abusive, severely depressed or suicidal. He was a very kind & capable individual. In the last month of our relationship things deteriorated he became very withdrawn, lazy, argumentative & I suppose depressed at this moment unbeknown to me I was already pregnant. On the day our relationship ended and after I informed him about my pregnancy he was abusive but not during the relationship. Also getting drunk & staying out all night on one occasion does not qualify a heavy drinker in my eyes but maybe that’s my British viewpoint coming out I’m not sure. Yes the incident worried me because he didn’t contact me not because he got drunk. I’ve been very drunk on a couple of a occasions  in my early twenties however do not drink now at all and never was I referred to as a heavy drinker that’s laughable. Also yes I am going to be a single mother BUT you have no idea what type of environment I am bringing my child into. I have my own house, come from a very successful middle class family and have a brilliant career in social work. I think my child will be just fine both in regards to genetics & environment. Still thank you for your judgemental pointless feedback. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Tori101

[Tori101]

On 9/1/2020 at 4:31 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Why be physically intimate with someone like this? 

Thank you for your response just wondering why would you take the time out to respond to my question with such a stupid question? Do you have nothing better to do with your life than ask stupid sarcastic questions? 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Tori101

[Tori101]

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

Only through a lawyer.

I would go for paternity tests and have him pay child support, since you're keeping the baby. I wouldn't count on him being of much help in any other way. You're going to be a single mother--get your support tribe around you now because you're going to need their help.

I'd leave him alone--he's shown you for some time now that he's not a man... he's a dude who posts up and treats you like you're his mother, not his partner.

Whatever fantasies you've been cultivating of him and you and the perfect life together? Stop. Time to pull all that out and trash it.

As far as his brother is concerned, go to the post office and fill out a change of address form for his mail to be delivered where he lives. If it isn't your business, then it isn't your business, so act like it.  What a jerk!! Either that or throw it away. He's grown enough to smart off to you, let him be grown enough to face the consequences of not taking care of his own business... they both act like they need a mother.

Thank you for this tough love response it’s really appreciated. I do have my support system already in place I know I can rely on my family & friends also my work have been fantastic so support wise I feel like even though it will be hard it’ll be okay. 
I think I do keep harbouring feelings and romantic notions which is just not helpful I need to look at his actions and realise he has changed from someone who took responsibility and was there when I was sick to essentially a man child. We’re not going to have our happily ever after so I agree I need to wake up smell the coffee really. I’m going to continue not talking to him and apply for child maintenance when the baby is born. Thank you 

[basil67]

@Tori101 there are a few posters here who seem to believe that all single mothers are uneducated drains on society.  Clearly, this isn't the case.  Great to hear that you have good support and a good job.   I'm sure your child will do well with you as it's mother.

As for your ex,  you will have to let him sort out his own mental health.    And you've got loads of time to think about how he will feature in your child's life, so perhaps sit back and see how things are looking in 6 months or so.

[Tori101]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Tori101 there are a few posters here who seem to believe that all single mothers are uneducated drains on society.  Clearly, this isn't the case.  Great to hear that you have good support and a good job.   I'm sure your child will do well with you as it's mother.

As for your ex,  you will have to let him sort out his own mental health.    And you've got loads of time to think about how he will feature in your child's life, so perhaps sit back and see how things are looking in 6 months or so.

Thank you for your reply it’s appreciated. Honestly I cannot stand this notion of single mothers being uneducated drains on society and should be penalised or can be treated poorly by others. Ultimately I work as a domestic abuse support worker helping people in the community who are suffering from domestic abuse seek refuge and access services. My job requires qualifications and is vital which is why when the U.K. went into lockdown I had key worker status and worked all the way through the pandemic. I am also gaining further qualifications to become an IDVA and work alongside the police. I am more than capable of supporting my child and contribute to society doing a worthy job that benefits my community. So anyways thank you for your kind words! 
 

thank you I think also taking a break from him and stopping with the constant worrying would be good for both me & my blood pressure! I’m such a worrier 

[Wiseman2]

It's good you have excellent family support. Social work is for your profession, not for BFs.

On some level you know picking a partner who is a project is all about that. Hence your defensive dismissive and condescending responses to your own words about his dysfunction. 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

15 hours ago, Tori101 said:

Thank you for your response just wondering why would you take the time out to respond to my question with such a stupid question? Do you have nothing better to do with your life than ask stupid sarcastic questions? 

I guess I should have told you what you wanted to hear, and played along with your victim mentality. 

[mark clemson]

Sounds like perhaps you are a "fixer" type and also fell very in love with the wrong guy (or perhaps the right guy but he then developed a mental illness). These things happen. It's good you're in a position to move forward despite all the issues. I do think many single moms are not in your position and would require more social support resources.

Depending on the local laws in your jurisdiction, you may have no choice but to give him at least some time with the child as well as being entitled to some child support from him, but that would be a discussion for a local family attorney. As you're probably aware, many do free half hour consults, so you might consider signing up for a few of those and getting some questions answered. There's nothing wrong with meeting with a few different attorneys and choosing the one you're most comfortable with if you decide to do that.

 

[kendahke]

On 9/3/2020 at 10:21 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I guess I should have told you what you wanted to hear, and played along with your victim mentality. 

She's not playing the victim by any stretch of the imagination. She's just not suffering judgmental posts.

She's got her plan in place to go forward. She's got her support tribe, she has a good home and she can provide for her child. She is quite capable.

She's just trying to sort out someone who, in one month's time, went from seemingly invested and capable to being a slug.

[Tori101]

On 9/3/2020 at 3:21 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I guess I should have told you what you wanted to hear, and played along with your victim mentality

On 9/3/2020 at 9:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you have excellent family support. Social work is for your profession, not for BFs.

On some level you know picking a partner who is a project is all about that. Hence your defensive dismissive and condescending responses to your own words about his dysfunction. 

 

I’m sorry it was you who was condescending how do you expect someone to respond when they are faced with condescending judgement? Ultimately he wasn’t a ‘project’ when I met him his behaviour within a month drastically changed. I was asking for advice instead I got informed by yourself that the environment & genetics I’m subjecting my child too is awful. How do expect someone to respond to that? 

[Tori101]

On 9/3/2020 at 3:21 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I guess I should have told you what you wanted to hear, and played along with your victim mentality. 

I don’t have a victim mentality I’m just not going to be spoken to in the way you’ve been speaking to me it’s plain rude. I’m a human being I deserve respect. 

[Tori101]

On 9/3/2020 at 4:14 PM, mark clemson said:

Sounds like perhaps you are a "fixer" type and also fell very in love with the wrong guy (or perhaps the right guy but he then developed a mental illness). These things happen. It's good you're in a position to move forward despite all the issues. I do think many single moms are not in your position and would require more social support resources.

Depending on the local laws in your jurisdiction, you may have no choice but to give him at least some time with the child as well as being entitled to some child support from him, but that would be a discussion for a local family attorney. As you're probably aware, many do free half hour consults, so you might consider signing up for a few of those and getting some questions answered. There's nothing wrong with meeting with a few different attorneys and choosing the one you're most comfortable with if you decide to do that.

 

Thank you for your feedback. Completely agree that I am fortunate but also I personally believe social support resources are there for a reason. I don’t see the issue in claiming for public funds if your in need especially if you are contributing to society ie working but on a low wage. I think there isn’t enough value put into people and we should operate on a higher wages society where the minimum wage is a salary that one cannot survive on. Minimum wage should be a salary that can support a family adequately its a shame that most societies it doesn’t. Still not really relevant to the topic at hand. I don’t really know what happened between me & my ex his behaviour in the course of a month just deteriorated rapidly to the point where he was completely different. I think speaking to a solicitor would be the way forward thank you for this advise 

[Tori101]

17 hours ago, kendahke said:

She's not playing the victim by any stretch of the imagination. She's just not suffering judgmental posts.

She's got her plan in place to go forward. She's got her support tribe, she has a good home and she can provide for her child. She is quite capable.

She's just trying to sort out someone who, in one month's time, went from seemingly invested and capable to being a slug.

Thank you so much for your supportive  response it’s appreciated 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

23 hours ago, Tori101 said:

I don’t have a victim mentality I’m just not going to be spoken to in the way you’ve been speaking to me it’s plain rude. I’m a human being I deserve respect. 

I asked a simple question. You didn't like the question because the answer forces you to look at your own actions in this.

[Scarlet Ohara]

On 8/31/2020 at 12:54 PM, Tori101 said:

Me and my ex partner were together for 2.5 years and he is the first guy I ever loved. I have had two boyfriends before one when I was a teenager that was awful and another where he cheated on me so I ended the relationship. I realise now that I never truly loved them as the love I feel for my current ex is so strong and all encompassing. The relationship in my eyes was good I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything for him. He has mental health problems suffers with depression and anxiety he has also attempted suicide on a few occasions after his mother’s sudden death. During the relationship I supported him with his mental health, helped him out financial and tried to be the best partner I could be. We continuously spoke about the future moving in together, marriage and starting a family. We were very committed to each other. During lockdown we moved in with each other as I was working in his area as I’m a key worker working  in social care. His company temporarily closed at the government advise. Things were fine then he started spending all day in bed I would come in from work and he would ask what’s for dinner from his bed. I would work all day then cook for us and do other miscellaneous chores he did nothing. I would then joke calling him a lazy bum and he seemed to respond okay to it. I would try to have serious conversations about his sleeping as it was frustrating but it was ignored so I stuck to the jokes. One day he said that the jokes were affecting his mental health severely. I felt so guilty and apologised but he continued staying in bed and me doing everything but I couldn’t really approach him about it as I didn’t want to make his health worse. One day he did a disappearing act got very drunk and stayed out all night which was worrying for me he didn’t really apologise either. A week after this we got into an argument I dropped mail down to his brother which is an 1hr journey. I asked his brother why he hadn’t redirected his mail and his brother said it wasn’t my concern. My ex then said I was rude I responded saying that seemed very sensitive as I didn’t think it was rude me asking why his brother hadn’t redirected his mail and he just became very rude and end our relationship. I was devastated and next day found out I was pregnant. I was on contraception it failed he was very abusive saying really awful things, begged me to terminate, tried guilt tripping me into terminating, chopped & changed his mind concerning support. Also  said he’d get back with me if I terminated the pregnancy knowing that I was so heartbroken and lost without him. He played on my emotions essentially. I stopped talking to him when I made the decision to continue with the pregnancy as he was making my life very challenging. Three weeks ago we started to try and be friends and we working on a friendship things were going well. However recently he messaged me saying he didn’t want any further contact and no involvement. It was devastating as I love him so much I responded emotionally and haven’t spoken to him since. I have also blocked him as he was just making me feel low. I approached his brothers asking for involvement they said that if my ex doesn’t have involvement then they won’t in order to protect my ex mental health. After that I haven’t spoken to any of them just concreted on other things but I do keep thinking of him. I just want to know what you think? Would you not have contact with him? How would you proceed moving forward? Everyone in my life is very emotional concerning this situation as my family & friends loved him so much so I just wanted an outsiders opinion. 
Thank you so much : ) 

Have the baby, leave him and have a wonderful life.  Sometimes people with severe mental issues look for a caretaker ... he needs professional help. 

[gamon]

On 9/6/2020 at 11:22 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I asked a simple question. You didn't like the question because the answer forces you to look at your own actions in this.

You don't know why she didn't like the question. I thought it was a stupid question too and I don't have any actions to look at in this.