Taking my power back.

[EPC82]

Hello all,

I have been the OW for 3 years and I quit him 2 weeks ago. I'm really struggling.

Back story: I cheated on my husband with this particular man and I ended my marriage shortly after. Not as a direct result of the affair, I had my own reasons but I continued to see my MM as a crutch. Now here I am, 3 years later, struggling. 

Mostly I struggle with self anger. How did I do this to myself? How could I have loved myself so little for so long? How do I rebuild?

Its lovely that there is a forum for us. This sort of thing is so damaging and its nice to talk to other people who understand. 

[SS2855]

I am right here with you. I just picked up from an old post a few minutes ago. This forum helps and there are people on here that WILL help you along the way. I’m curious of your story as the initial bit is quite similar to mine. I just hit the 2 year mark in the affair. The roller coaster has become unbearable and I know I need to end it if there is any hope of me feeling normal again. How did it end? Has it been no contact since? Big hugs. 

[EPC82]

Hello SS2855,

It is such a rollercoaster. Ugh.

I have tried ending it with him many times but he is always able to draw me back in. This time I told him I was done because it hurts too much and that the disrespect is too much to handle. He did keep messaging me for a few days but then I got mad and told him that I have nothing left to give him. I haven't heard from him since. That was two weeks ago...ish. I'm not sure if he will leave me alone forever or if I'm going to have to find the strength to ghost when he messages again. 

One thing I can say is that being without him doesn't hurt a lot more that being without him. Its just the lack of attention and feeling truly and entirely single and alone. 

Also, letting him go is causing older, marriage related pain to resurface, as he was connected to all that. 

I desperately need to put this all behind me. 

[stillafool]

Don't be afraid to consider therapy.  It has helped a lot of OW to move on and realize why they made the choices they did and how to not make the same mistakes that lead to pain.

[Crazelnut]

And now is the perfect time to go NC, while your resolve is strongest. Removing the possibility of contact does 2 things: (1) It removes the need for you to resist responding. No need to ghost a ghost. (2) It gives you space to grieve the loss and move on, which you can't do with continued contact or fear of how you'll respond. 

[SS2855]

Great points above. It is a brutal struggle. It ebbs and flows. I have moments that I know I can do it and envision better things ahead, and then moments like last night where I wanted to simply crumble. And yes I think so much of it is missing the attention and validation. But you are further ahead than I with already telling him you can’t do it anymore. That you decided it. That’s a big step that I want so badly to have the strength to do. Keep going. Keep checking in. This forum is a great place, along with counseling if you aren’t in it already. 

[EPC82]

just curious, from those who have gone NC, how long does it take for the "craving" pains to stop? This seems so much like an addiction. 

I don't want him. I can't even imagine a reality in which we are a couple. I've been sleeping with him for 3 years and have never thought about us being together. Yet, I'm still dealing with a wanting that is overwhelming. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, correct?

 

Edited August 28, 2020 by EPC82

[jah526]

I'm a bit over 3 years NC. I remember the first year being a struggle, especially the first few months. It takes a while for your brain to stop craving the oxytocin and adjust to a new normal. Even now I still have "pangs" but it is nowhere near the deeply addicted state I had been in. 

[HowToQuit]

I have been NC for many months. And now and then, I still have the longing for that notification on my cell phone... it takes a while for the brain to get that addiction out of the system. 

[ajequals]

it's been 6 months. I can't get her out of my mind. I believe I honestly love her. It's certainly not an addiction 

[Lurker123]

Well done for going NC and staying strong. I think the timeline for losing that ‘craving’ feeling is different for everyone. Although in the end MM treated me badly and his true colours were shown to me, I still miss the intimacy that we shared and the time that we spent together. I don’t miss the emotional rollercoaster, but I do miss him and I know I shouldn’t, but it is just human nature. I think it is just something you have to ride out and know that the longer you stay NC, each day will get a little easier.  Stay strong and keep yourself distracted with other things that will take your mind off of him.

[EPC82]

If i look at this emotionally, I would say that I love him. So many sweet and loving moments. 

If i look at it logically, he lies and he has no remorse. He doesn't respect his wife and he most definitely doesn't respect me. 

It needs to be done. Done done done. 

 

[Starry24]

I can totally relate to what you’re going through. I just ended my 4 year EMR this week. In truth we’ve had a lot of tension and fighting for the past 4 weeks. I’m M and and so is xMM. I just can’t do the rollercoaster anymore. I’m heartbroken but I don’t want to live with the anxiety anymore. I’m looking for support right along with you. Hope to find some. 

[HowToQuit]

5 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

 

If i look at this emotionally, I would say that I love him. So many sweet and loving moments. 

 

When I reflected back on my love for him, I realized it was really all about how I felt about myself with him... and that I can feel the same way about myself without him around. I often think about the sweet and loving moments as well; but I see them more clearly for what they are - moments, that come and go. 

[EPC82]

Starry24,

I'm here for you friend. 

Its like a madness. I can't believe I let this happen to myself. 

Im just over 2 weeks out. Lot of lows and few good days. 

I have done so much thinking about it all. When I was in the thick of it I didn't know which part was the lie, the love or the disrespect. Now that I've made up my mind to end it I can only see the disrespect. The love part just makes me feel so nieve. I know he used it to manipulate. 

I'm learning so much about myself. 

[Difficultstuff]

On 8/29/2020 at 4:22 PM, EPC82 said:

I'm learning so much about myself. 

I think this idea is something to hold on to very tightly. You ask in your other thread how long the wanting lasts. It seems to be different for everyone, but with some common aspects. It'll have its ups and downs and really hard times too, but if you do stay NC things will eventually get better as the immediate pain fades and life moves on. Not saying it's easy, but there are definitely posts here from people who've made it through. If you can think of it as a chance to learn about yourself, grieve, and begin to heal whatever old or longstanding pain it might all have been covering up, then that is also likely to help. Best of luck. 

[EPC82]

As the OW I willingly gave my power away to my MM. Interestingly, I felt powerful so many times during the affair. Clearly that was an illusion becuase there is nothing about my situation that was in fact empowering.

As I approach 3 weeks NC, I am still in so much pain. Something I can hold on to though is that I'm taking back my power. 

We say so much with our silence. 

[jah526]

Something the more manipulative MM seem to understand is that love makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability gives them an opening to exploitation. Mine was probably the most manipulative person I'd ever met in my life. Weirdly, he kept asking me if I loved him, even though I know he didn't care about me at all. I suppose I did "fall in love" with him, but it always felt like a bad addiction. I think I was addicted to the hope that someday he would love me back. Pathetic, isn't it?

Congratulations on your 3 weeks. The first bit is the hardest.