The Not Quite Affair Affair

[Imgoodimfine]

I would love any advice or experience with similar situation if anyone has it. 

I’ve gotten myself into a mess of emotions by behaving like a teen for the last year plus w/ a silly crush. We’re both married and see each other time to time due to similar family activities. We will always see one another in life so it’s unavoidable. I’m not sure how it happened, but over time and random opportunities to visit I found myself crushing on this man. I started to sense and see that he most likely felt the same way. Touches, eyes, smiles, flirting, and more. 

This has been the slowest build ever, which makes sense since we’re both married and somewhat shy. We began texting from time to time, which lead to flirting that over time progressed to more serious flirts. Every once in awhile we’d make excuses to see one another for work, but it was never anything monumental. We both would act like awkward teens and get shy. So many things happened over a long span that I don’t want to go into detail about, but it became very evident that we were both mutually attracted in a big way. 

One thing led to another one day through texting and phone call to which I felt kind of backed into a corner. I slowly in a round about way admitted my attraction and he admitted his. The dialogue poured out at that point about how we’ve felt for awhile, how we act in public, what he does to keep our messaging private, etc. I asked him if we should stop to which he said no. I got off the phone giddy because I felt the one thing I’ve wondered was finally confirmed. We've both been crushing hard!  I didn’t really think on the next steps, bc I was just happy  

The very next day he’s short on text to me. I could feel it and the knot formed in my stomach. We talked on phone and he said that he felt we had overstepped boundaries and with the confessions we just had too much to lose. He told me how he cares too much for both of our fams to mess anything up. He went on to tell his attraction to me, but it was hard to hear. I was very upset. I knew he was right, but I felt so ridiculous for expressing the feelings the day before only to have them be inappropriate the next day. I got upset, mad and also told him I understood. It was humiliating and hurtful mainly do to how much I’d felt led on at that point. He’s been crossing a line with his flirting alone for months with me. He’d made a way for me to come see him at work that week, which was completely unnecessary, so my hopes had been up that he not only liked me but wanted to spend time with me. So I just felt broken. He also changed nicknames in “we can’t do this” convo to more platonic way of referencing me and other things...just hurtful, and I felt so foolish.

I had to see him in person once more that week, and I acted pretty cool and confident. I was proud of myself. He seemed sad but also made a joke about us still doing something once. It caught me off guard so I ignored it to be respectful. I wish I hadn’t and would’ve said that he can’t say that to me bc it’s toying with me. But my mind wasn’t in right place to think fast. He had told me he was sad too during precious phone conversation, but us not taking it farther and backing up was better in the end. And he’s right. I told him to be normal around me when he sees me, blah blah blah  

Now just a few weeks later and he’s not avoiding me for sure. To be honest I’d like space (I didn’t ask for it bc I was in shock), but I need it to heal. I’ve only seen him twice since then and this second time was him going out of his way to see me. He even had a convo with my hubby in front of me where he one-upped my husband. I’m confused. That annoyed me. Why did he come around?  Seeing him shocked me, so once again, I didn’t say much. I also have no desire to ever contact him again. None. 
 

do men ever do the noble thing and make quick decisions then change their mind? I’m worried that every time I start to heal he’ll show back up Somewhere unexpected or even eventually contact me again one day. Seeing one another is unavoidable due to life, but I can get space and was trying. He showed up purposely to where I was acting joe cool. It made me regress. I know he doesn’t know this, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of telling him. But what are his intentions?

I know this is all over the map. Please help me if you have any advice or thoughts on his intentions. I’m confused. I’ve left a ton out. Always nervous the person will see this! I’m just sad and lost on this one. And I know I’ve gotten myself here with my own actions. 

 

 

 

 

[salparadise]

10 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Please help me if you have any advice or thoughts on his intentions. I’m confused.

Crushes like this are sort of like an addiction. He was almost certainly going for that blast of feel-good chemicals to his pleasure receptors, plus the ego stroke. It's going to be up to you to shut this down, and you should not be the least bit tentative about it. If he contacts you or throws glances or whatever, you react in the range of intentionally ignoring to expressions of disgust. As long as he gets positive reactions he's going to keep it coming. If you want to loose your marriage, home and happy family, all you have to do is give him the reactions he is hoping for. I think you need to avoid being in the same space as him, and avoid any eye contact or verbal greetings. The message you need to be giving him is that you wish he didn't exist, regardless of how much you secretly enjoyed or are enjoying the attention. Hopefully that will be sufficient... assuming you have the willpower to shut it down within yourself as well. Do you?

[RebeccaR]

He doesn’t have any intentions any more than you have intentions. I get the feeling even if he asked you for a legitimate relationship, you don’t want to leave your husband. The illicit relationship is dangerous because it could potentially ruin both your lives. Unless that’s what you want, you need to ignore him completely. Unfortunately your feelings for him may take a looooong time to fade, but the alternative is hurting other people and ending up with nothing. Sounds appealing? I didn’t think so.

[Imgoodimfine]

10 minutes ago, salparadise said:

The message you need to be giving him is that you wish he didn't exist, regardless of how much you secretly enjoyed or are enjoying the attention. Hopefully that will be sufficient... assuming you have the willpower to shut it down within yourself as well. Do you?

Thank you very much for your reply. I actually thought I did have the willpower last week. I had concluded it was over. I dodged a bullet, and while I’m still sad, it’s for the best. If he were ever to contact me I’d just not reply. However him showing up to this thing and the interaction he had with my spouse threw me for a loop. It was very unexpected. And I didn’t understand. It sent me spiraling into “am I a toy” to play with to him?
 

I had thought he was genuine in his confessing feelings, saying we should stop but admitting he was sad as well. It actually helped me to start healing. Now I don’t know if it was true or not, sending me into feeling icky. 
 

I’m not answering your ?. Yes, I’d like to think I could shut it down. The temptation is real, but I’ve got some self respect I’d love to reclaim. Are you saying that even when they shut down something before it truly takes off they still toy with you? I don’t understand why anyone would do that to anyone else. 

[Imgoodimfine]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

He doesn’t have any intentions any more than you have intentions. I get the feeling even if he asked you for a legitimate relationship, you don’t want to leave your husband. The illicit relationship is dangerous because it could potentially ruin both your lives. Unless that’s what you want, you need to ignore him completely. Unfortunately your feelings for him may take a looooong time to fade, but the alternative is hurting other people and ending up with nothing. Sounds appealing? I didn’t think so.

You’re absolutely right. I said that on phone when we confessed. I love my family. I feel like such a shell of who I usually am. I caught feelings for a man bc we kept having to be around one another and I was in a distant spot at time from my spouse. I’m not as much now. 
 

yes, it would ruin lives. He already said he wasn’t wanting it to happen so while sad I took his word to mean that. Maybe he did mean it and is making sure we’re actually still friends. He wanted to be how we used to be whatever that meant. Regardless I’ve realized I can’t be friends for awhile. I need distance bc it helps me to move on to where I’m supposed to be in life. I know I sound like a terrible person for being in this spot to begin with. 

[RebeccaR]

The safest course of action would be to move to a different city where you didn’t have to see each other. If your kids are in the same sports group, change sports - you get the idea. If you’re not actually related to each other, this would probably do the trick.

He probably feels that now he made clear he’s pulling back, he’s free to be flirty again because he expects you won’t take it seriously. That’s unfair of him. If he’s really a decent guy (aside from giving in to temptation in texting with you), he’ll respect your wishes. My concern is maybe he’s not so decent, given the interaction he had with your husband. If ignoring him is impossible, you have to make the necessary changes so that you don’t encounter him. I understand it’s super hard. These situations, even if shut down and undiscovered, can unfortunately be life-altering. Hugs.

[Wiseman2]

Anything you send someone can be forwarded in a nanosecond. Your marriage could be blown to oblivian if he or worse his wife sends your texts to your husband.

[Imgoodimfine]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Anything you send someone can be forwarded in a nanosecond. Your marriage could be blown to oblivian if he or worse his wife sends your texts to your husband.

Yes, I know. Thank you. I’m being honest when I say I never plan to reach out to him again. I have zero desire. His wanting to stop whatever it was we were doing was enough for me to never reach out again. I’m stubborn and have some self respect. 

[Imgoodimfine]

14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

The safest course of action would be to move to a different city where you didn’t have to see each other. If your kids are in the same sports group, change sports - you get the idea. If you’re not actually related to each other, this would probably do the trick.

He probably feels that now he made clear he’s pulling back, he’s free to be flirty again because he expects you won’t take it seriously. That’s unfair of him. If he’s really a decent guy (aside from giving in to temptation in texting with you), he’ll respect your wishes. My concern is maybe he’s not so decent, given the interaction he had with your husband. If ignoring him is impossible, you have to make the necessary changes so that you don’t encounter him. I understand it’s super hard. These situations, even if shut down and undiscovered, can unfortunately be life-altering. Hugs.

You nailed the relationship, however we cannot move nor can he do to business. We will be intertwined for years, yet not daily or even on the regular. It’s complicated. 
 

I thought he was a good man. Relative of course. I have always thought of myself as good as well, but clearly I’m on here asking for advice. Sad. I know and get the glaring double standard. He had such a slow build with me, along with not going to far. Our flirting is tame compared to many that I read about. It’s not sexting by any means. But it’s enough to know I wouldn’t want my husband to see it. That in itself is over the line. I find him to be an impulsive man that feels guilt after the fact. 
 

what I don’t understand is why he would still want to flirt when I clearly was very upset to him on phone? Why do that to me? So maybe he won’t. You’re making me think that he is going to continue. Is this typical? I can ignore...best I can. It’ll be obvious at times, so I can’t completely. Such a mess. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

It sounds to me as if he did the right thing in putting the brakes on but is having a hard time keeping the boundary he set. 

 I'm glad to read you don't want to be involved with him anymore. Just keep that boundary up. If you find yourself at the same event or in the same place, just find an excuse to leave the area. You can do that.  

[BaileyB]

You had a crush on the man - saner heads prevailed and thank goodness they did, because you were about to make a really poor decision. You are in control of your life. He can come around if he wants, it will not matter if you are a woman of integrity. Stop perseverating on this man and focus on your own life and your family. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Imgoodimfine]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It sounds to me as if he did the right thing in putting the brakes on but is having a hard time keeping the boundary he set. 

 I'm glad to read you don't want to be involved with him anymore. Just keep that boundary up. If you find yourself at the same event or in the same place, just find an excuse to leave the area. You can do that.  

Thank you! I agree. While it was sad to me bc I’d built up this ridiculous fantasy in my head, he was right. And I got that after thinking on it. We both dodged what would’ve been a deadly bullet. I’d come to terms with it, although still sad. 
 

But you’re right on boundary he set up. I’m not sure he’s able to keep it if he’s going to one up my husband in front of me. It was baffling, and made me so mad after the fact. I can smile and move along when I see him. That was my plan to begin with. I don’t think I was prepared for the random things like what happened with my husband. I thought he’d totally move along. 
 

thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. And I like your user name. We both are Christians. I feel bad admitting that, but at same time I think it’s good to admit bc we all fall short. I’m not one to judge bc I have a giant plank in my own eye. I’m aware. I need Jesus. 

[RebeccaR]

Sigh. He’s flirting because he enjoys it, he feels it’s now “safe” since you’ve both agreed not to cross more lines, and he thinks you still enjoy it too. That’s why the advice is always to go NC, find another job if you work together, etc. If the choice was losing your business or losing your family, what would you choose?

 I don’t think he’ll respect your wishes to not flirt, because in his mind it’s harmless. It also sounds like your families would notice if you two act like total strangers with each other. If you don’t want to deal with heartbreak or worse, find a way to disentangle your families.

[Beentheretoooften]

I think at times, to move or change jobs has value.  But this was nothing in comparison to the ones that should actually turn and run.  I think to go back to normal without drastic changes is the correct move. There is always risk. But if she changes jobs and moves the % of anyone finding out let’s call it 1%. If she stays and conducts business as usual it would be maybe 2%.  There’s no added value to move.  That’s overkill.  Sounds like OP understands what happened, and possibly will be able to recover rather quickly from this.  Maybe if something physical had happened those numbers change.  She can easily shut this down with no harm if In fact it’s what she wants deep down  

 

[DKT3]

I don't think you're being honest with yourself,  and doing so won't allow you to own your responsibility in all this.

In one post you wrote you two met up when it was unnecessary,  yet later you wrote you never wanted this to happen,  and it only happened because you were forced to work with him, then in yet another post you explained that you two don't actually work together that closely or regularly.  So much contradiction, which happens when one is not being honest and dodging responsibly. 

[Imgoodimfine]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Sigh. He’s flirting because he enjoys it, he feels it’s now “safe” since you’ve both agreed not to cross more lines, and he thinks you still enjoy it too. That’s why the advice is always to go NC, find another job if you work together, etc. If the choice was losing your business or losing your family, what would you choose?

 I don’t think he’ll respect your wishes to not flirt, because in his mind it’s harmless. It also sounds like your families would notice if you two act like total strangers with each other. If you don’t want to deal with heartbreak or worse, find a way to disentangle your families.

Tnx for all your advice. I really appreciate It. I’m not flirting with him again. That chapter is closed. 

Not completely entangled, but we see one another from time to time when Covid isn’t in full effect. Again, my plan is to acknowledge family kindly with pleasantries then move along. No need to converse. That was my in public plan. In private I’m done, but if he ever reached out I read to not even reply. So that would be my plan on that. 

I honestly don’t think he’s chasing me or our lives will he ruined at this point. You’re most likely right on in that it’s the ego boost. Well he won’t be getting that again. Moving, while it sounds noble, is truly not an option at all. I’d love to say “yes! Great idea!” But I have to be realistic as well.

i think what I’m learning is that yes, men will continue to try and flirt bc they find it enjoyable and ego boosting. They aren’t thinking that the woman might have true feelings that make that hard.  I’m that woman, and I’ll pass on flirting. I never meant to agree to that, so it isn’t happening.

thank you for helping me see this!

 

[Imgoodimfine]

2 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I think at times, to move or change jobs has value.  But this was nothing in comparison to the ones that should actually turn and run.  I think to go back to normal without drastic changes is the correct move. There is always risk. But if she changes jobs and moves the % of anyone finding out let’s call it 1%. If she stays and conducts business as usual it would be maybe 2%.  There’s no added value to move.  That’s overkill.  Sounds like OP understands what happened, and possibly will be able to recover rather quickly from this.  Maybe if something physical had happened those numbers change.  She can easily shut this down with no harm if In fact it’s what she wants deep down  

 

Yes. This!! I’m just trying to understand if I need to be wiser. The thing with my husband threw me! I want to move past this emotional turmoil. Seeing him unexpectedly and sparring in a way with my man made me spiral. I just didn’t understand. 
 

I know the goal isn’t for me to understand, but I want to prepare for these moments best I can. I want to be in my family. The wife I’m supposed to be. I love my man. We went through a hard time and I developed a crush. But I adore him. I’m trying to get that back. I’m trying to move along. Coming to me on purpose just to make yourself known or be seen by me only hurts me. So I don’t get it. That was my point. 
 

Again, I know I’m all over the map. 

[RebeccaR]

What will you do if he continues to send private signals or get involved in inappropriate conversations with your husband? Because I have a feeling he will

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Thank you! I agree. While it was sad to me bc I’d built up this ridiculous fantasy in my head, he was right. And I got that after thinking on it. We both dodged what would’ve been a deadly bullet. I’d come to terms with it, although still sad. 
 

But you’re right on boundary he set up. I’m not sure he’s able to keep it if he’s going to one up my husband in front of me. It was baffling, and made me so mad after the fact. I can smile and move along when I see him. That was my plan to begin with. I don’t think I was prepared for the random things like what happened with my husband. I thought he’d totally move along. 
 

thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. And I like your user name. We both are Christians. I feel bad admitting that, but at same time I think it’s good to admit bc we all fall short. I’m not one to judge bc I have a giant plank in my own eye. I’m aware. I need Jesus. 

Christians have hormones, too! I get it!  

Seems to me men and women will always be attracted to one another to some extent. We learn to put the brakes on sooner rather than later to save ourselves discomfort or worse, grief!

I'm single but am dealing with a situation right now that is similar in that the guy, who is also single, is flirting with me outrageously. Little does he know that I like it. 😂 Because I'm not returning the flirts. But, the last time I was near him (a business situation) I realized I was beginning to like it too much so I'm going to have to find a different place to do the same type of business. i don't want to switch for several reasons but I'm going to have to because I'm concerned hormones may propel me in a direction I don't want to take.  Live and learn! 

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I don't think you're being honest with yourself,  and doing so won't allow you to own your responsibility in all this.

In one post you wrote you two met up when it was unnecessary,  yet later you wrote you never wanted this to happen,  and it only happened because you were forced to work with him, then in yet another post you explained that you two don't actually work together that closely or regularly.  So much contradiction, which happens when one is not being honest and dodging responsibly. 

Okay, let me clarify. Could be because I’m a terrible write and have seen tons of typos on my own accord:

I was never forced to work with him. ever. He created situations for me to work with him. I was more than happy to oblige. 
 

we don’t work together on the regular at all. I also explained this has been Happening over a year. We do not work together. But I have done some collaborations with him. 
 

There are no contradictions or lies here. I’m trying to be transparent and ask people who might have experienced something similar. I’m not trying to put on show. 🙄Please know that while my explaining might not be The best, I’m trying MY best to give some details while not spilling my entire life. 
 

Lastly, I haven’t dodged any responsibility. I find your response extremely condescending. I have said that I got myself here by my actions and it’s sad. I thought this was supposedly a safe space to get advice. Am I wrong? Confused. 

[Imgoodimfine]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

What will you do if he continues to send private signals or get involved in inappropriate conversations with your husband? Because I have a feeling he will

What makes you think that? Ugh. 
 

I think I’d have to have a talk with him. Yuck. Again, I’d like to avoid one on one conversations. But if he one ups my hubby in my presence again I’d hope to be more vigilant in taking up or being on my hub’s side or call him out after the fact. Stinks. Again, I got myself here. 

[RebeccaR]

Many of us have been there and are giving advice such as move or otherwise cut ties completely, for the sake of your own mental health, not to mention the sake of your marriage. A safe spot doesn’t mean we won’t give advice. If you don’t take the advice of aren’t ready for it yet, that’s your prerogative, but a lot of people have more life experience (unfortunately) and are trying to help. There is one commenter who often points out that the posts which irritate her the most are the ones she really needs to hear.

[Imgoodimfine]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Christians have hormones, too! I get it!  

Seems to me men and women will always be attracted to one another to some extent. We learn to put the brakes on sooner rather than later to save ourselves discomfort or worse, grief!

I'm single but am dealing with a situation right now that is similar in that the guy, who is also single, is flirting with me outrageously. Little does he know that I like it. 😂 Because I'm not returning the flirts. But, the last time I was near him (a business situation) I realized I was beginning to like it too much so I'm going to have to find a different place to do the same type of business. i don't want to switch for several reasons but I'm going to have to because I'm concerned hormones may propel me in a direction I don't want to take.  Live and learn! 

Ahhh! Yes! This is a first for me, and I’ve prayed the last. I never want to have another crush again. The emotional turmoil is the absolute worst. I also hate crushes. Hate them. 
 

Keep being strong. And thanks for also being human. 😉

[Beentheretoooften]

Still having a hard time figuring out what the one up could possibly even mean?

can you give an example. Not necessarily what actually happened?  

[DKT3]

16 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Okay, let me clarify. Could be because I’m a terrible write and have seen tons of typos on my own accord:

I was never forced to work with him. ever. He created situations for me to work with him. I was more than happy to oblige. 
 

we don’t work together on the regular at all. I also explained this has been Happening over a year. We do not work together. But I have done some collaborations with him. 
 

There are no contradictions or lies here. I’m trying to be transparent and ask people who might have experienced something similar. I’m not trying to put on show. 🙄Please know that while my explaining might not be The best, I’m trying MY best to give some details while not spilling my entire life. 
 

Lastly, I haven’t dodged any responsibility. I find your response extremely condescending. I have said that I got myself here by my actions and it’s sad. I thought this was supposedly a safe space to get advice. Am I wrong? Confused. 

You've mentioned several times that your marriage was not great, you speak about how he is doing this and that as if you have no other option but to accept it. All of this is done to Dodge responsibility.  I know you claim to be accepting responsibility,  but at the same time making excuses and justifications. 

This is a safe place,  however,  its not an easy place.  People here will challenge you and call you out on inconsistencies.  Most do so with the intention of helping you get out in as healthy a manner as possible.  In going to be comfortable. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by DKT3