The Not Quite Affair Affair

[Interstellar]

You’re attracted to the newness of it. What a feeling huh? Love is a drug. Everything new is wonderful...until reality starts rearing its ugly head.

Gotta remind yourself to stay grounded no matter what.

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Many of us have been there and are giving advice such as move or otherwise cut ties completely, for the sake of your own mental health, not to mention the sake of your marriage. A safe spot doesn’t mean we won’t give advice. If you don’t take the advice of aren’t ready for it yet, that’s your prerogative, but a lot of people have more life experience (unfortunately) and are trying to help. There is one commenter who often points out that the posts which irritate her the most are the ones she really needs to hear.

I’m so confused. I’m listening. I’m taking advice. I just am very acutely aware that due to our niche business I cannot move. My husband cannot move. It’s a non negotiable. That doesn’t mean I’m not listening. I’m being realistic. Pls hear me on that. 
 

and yes, for sure cut ties! I just also know that in reality I will see him in group settings. I can handle that. It’s okay. I knew that when this happened. I can acknowledge fam and move along. What i didn’t anticipate on happening was what I said happened. So I think reality is I do have to prepare for the chance that he could reach out someday via text, etc.  wasn’t expecting that. I will ignore if it were to happen. I can be strong.
 

This just wasn’t what I thought when he turned the tides by saying no. it hurt and made me sad. But it was also right and made me onset. Then I realized i dodged a bullet. Am I still hurt? Yes. Sad? Yep. Thankful he made choice he did? Was getting there. Expecting him to show up on purpose places? Nope. So, I’m taking in your responses. 
 

im hearing ignore. Give even annoyed signals from first poster. I can do that. I just need tangible help thats realistic. Some people could move. I’m truly (not making excuses) Not one of them.

 

[TobyBoy]

Expect things to escalate from your crush. This is typical player M.O. He’s the Apha now and your husband the beta. He now can toy with your feelings anytime he sees fit and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Oh, he’ll apologize and say blah blah blah, but at the end of the day......he knows that what happened/happens between you two will stay between you two and your husband non the wiser. 
There’s only one true solution to this mess and I think you know what is. 

[RebeccaR]

It’s his disrespect for your wishes which is concerning me. He seems reckless despite his guilty demeanor. I don’t think he wants a physical affair, but he’s one of those guys who believes a private emotional relationship is semi-ok. So I think he will keep it up, unfortunately 

[LivingWaterPlease]

7 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Ahhh! Yes! This is a first for me, and I’ve prayed the last. I never want to have another crush again. The emotional turmoil is the absolute worst. I also hate crushes. Hate them. 
 

Keep being strong. And thanks for also being human. 😉

Well, you wrote that you need Jesus, as I do, too! The wonderful thing is that as a believer you can see where Jesus stepped in for you in that the guy threw a bit of cold water in your face by the way he handled it with you, calling things off. Then he tried to one-up your husband. Which didn't happen because you saw through it, another blessing! Do you see how God is giving you "outs (ways of escape)" in this? Your emotions have even changed toward the guy in that I detect a level of disgust for him in your posts. 

Take those new feelings of disgust and offense and run with them! Stay away from him but if, during those times he's unavoidable,  he ever tries to one-up your husband in front of you again, have a ready compliment for your husband right then and there. I don't see that as gamey. Your husband is awesome per one of your latest posts, and you love him. Don't be shy about letting your admiration for him show whether this guy is around or not. And dwell on thoughts of Jesus Christ (bolstered by daily Bible reading and prayer) and of your husband. I have a very close friend who is married who fell hard for her husband's business partner. She got through it by lots of prayer. I didn't know her at the time it happened but she told me about it later on.

[Imgoodimfine]

8 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You've mentioned several times that your marriage was not great, you speak about how he is doing this and that as if you have no other option but to accept it. All of this is done to Dodge responsibility.  I know you claim to be accepting responsibility,  but at the same time making excuses and justifications. 

This is a safe place,  however,  its not an easy place.  People here will challenge you and call you out on inconsistencies.  Most do so with the intention of helping you get out in as healthy a manner as possible.  In going to be comfortable. 

I got here due to my actions as well. My marriage was just distant at times due to my husband.’s job. We’ve since remedied that to an extent. I told my husband a while back That I felt emotionally distant. We worked on it a Bunch. We are in a much better place.
 

We’d be in an even better place if I could give up mind real estate to this guy. And I was getting there. But seeing him come in what I know was purposeful-like I’ve said-messed with me. I’m admitting that. I’m not dodging it. It sent me in a spiral. 
 

what else are you wanting me to own? Not saying to be rude. I truly am not understanding. I’m pretty transparent. 
 

1. I got myself here in this mess. I developed a crush. 
2. I have been in deep ocd infatuation, enjoying the hits of the good times

3. I was hurt when he wanted this no more. Deeply hurt. But thru talking to trusted friends I’ve come to realize I dodged a bullet. 
4. Am I over it? Nope. Still sad? Yep. Do I get it and think it’s best to not go there? Yes. 
5. I thought since I’ve been avoiding and distancing he’d do same. He didn’t. It threw me. Here I am. 
 

that’s all I know to say. What more are you wanting to know?

ill try my best to tell. I’m not trying to hide anything rather not tell my entire life online. 😂

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, TobyBoy said:

There’s only one true solution to this mess and I think you know what is. 

Exactly. If (God forbid) you had a sick child and had to move cross country for specialized treatment, you would give up your niche business to do it. Your marriage is now like a sick child that needs help.

[Imgoodimfine]

3 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

Expect things to escalate from your crush. This is typical player M.O. He’s the Apha now and your husband the beta. He now can toy with your feelings anytime he sees fit and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Oh, he’ll apologize and say blah blah blah, but at the end of the day......he knows that what happened/happens between you two will stay between you two and your husband non the wiser. 
There’s only one true solution to this mess and I think you know what is. 

Ignore him totally? I think you’re right on synopsis. That kind of makes me sick to my stomach. My husband (who is innocently in this cluster f)is truly an amazing man. Makes me want to go slay. 😂😉

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s his disrespect for your wishes which is concerning me. He seems reckless despite his guilty demeanor. I don’t think he wants a physical affair, but he’s one of those guys who believes a private emotional relationship is semi-ok. So I think he will keep it up, unfortunately 

Well that makes me mad. And that’s a good thing. I cannot take that. I’m not good with that. At all. I’m trying to move on. 
 

Tnx for your thoughts. Makes sense. 

[RebeccaR]

I will add, I am not one who pushes for confession, but he would definitely leave you alone if your husband knew the whole story. It could be a bad idea but it would get rid of the guy

[DKT3]

First of all, the state of your marriage is not why you got involved.  That is not an honest assessment.  Your husband was in the same distant marriage....did he cheat? You got here because you are attracted to this man and you didn't protect your marriage,  and you still are not. You've given this guy the power to decide.  Taking responsibility means you are in control,  it means you did this with the qualifiers.  Then you have to believe it. You see thats what I'm picking up on. You say it with "but".

Lastly,  owning it means facing the consequences for your actions.  What has been your consequences? Without consequences whats to prevent this from going on farther....until you own it,  it will progress. 

[Imgoodimfine]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Well, you wrote that you need Jesus, as I do, too! The wonderful thing is that as a believer you can see where Jesus stepped in for you in that the guy threw a bit of cold water in your face by the way he handled it with you, calling things off. Then he tried to one-up your husband. Which didn't happen because you saw through it, another blessing! Do you see how God is giving you "outs (ways of escape)" in this? Your emotions have even changed toward the guy in that I detect a level of disgust for him in your posts. 

Take those new feelings of disgust and offense and run with them! Stay away from him but if, during those times he's unavoidable,  he ever tries to one-up your husband in front of you again, have a ready compliment for your husband right then and there. I don't see that as gamey. Your husband is awesome per one of your latest posts, and you love him. Don't be shy about letting your admiration for him show whether this guy is around or not. And dwell on thoughts of Jesus Christ (bolstered by daily Bible reading and prayer) and of your husband. I have a very close friend who is married who fell hard for her husband's business partner. She got through it by lots of prayer. I didn't know her at the time it happened but she told me about it later on.

Thank you beyond words for this. Tears. You get me. You get that I can be so darn messed up and flawed, yet still crave and know I need the Lord. Thank you!

yes to every single thing you said. And the best thing I read was to be ready with a compliment for my husband. 
 

lastly to anyone reading, my husband deserves none of this. He’s totally innocent in all of this. Due to his line of work we went several years not being together much. It was very hard on me and instead of championing him and being there I began to be resentful. I felt single, new to an area and with my children, I felt alone. It was a woe is me story. He didn’t ask for this. He was providing for us. Working hard. I get all of this now. But this was my headspace. 
 

so I turned to a fantasy crush that formed when i related to another male during that time (who stared at me for a good long while before crush formed so I noticed him), to fill a void. And I simultaneously became the most selfish woman ever in my head and life. I have no desire to turn back now that it’s all so clear. But I’m still sad and in recovery. So I need tools. And the truth. But I also want to be realistic on what isn’t going to happen. Like moving. 
 

but again, thank you. I’m running with your advice. 

[TobyBoy]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I will add, I am not one who pushes for confession, but he would definitely leave you alone if your husband knew the whole story. It could be a bad idea but it would get rid of the guy

That’s the the true solution I was talking about. 

[Beentheretoooften]

I would tell your husband as a very last resort.  I would even threaten to xMM that if he continues to text/flirt show up at random times, you will have no choice but to tell Your H.  He will deny, so in the meantime maybe screenshot some texts, and save them to secret folder. If you don’t have any, wait until he sends some.  I think dday’s are harder for the women, Especially ones that are PA,  but in your case I would do your best to resolve it on  the QT

[Imgoodimfine]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

First of all, the state of your marriage is not why you got involved.  That is not an honest assessment.  Your husband was in the same distant marriage....did he cheat? You got here because you are attracted to this man and you didn't protect your marriage,  and you still are not. You've given this guy the power to decide.  Taking responsibility means you are in control,  it means you did this with the qualifiers.  Then you have to believe it. You see thats what I'm picking up on. You say it with "but".

Lastly,  owning it means facing the consequences for your actions.  What has been your consequences? Without consequences whats to prevent this from going on farther....until you own it,  it will progress. 

I am going to disagree here. I’ve thought and reflected on this a lot. I do think that I found him attractive based on something I noticed at the time that I envied bc I didn’t have them. I explained in another post the issue.

We (I really don’t like sharing this online if the wrong person were to read, but I’m assuming my story is same song second verse to many)moved to new town and he worked nonstop due to career. Unavoidable. Weekends. Nights. Days. You name it. No affair on his part. But for me it was lonely and hard. 
 

my consequences at moment have been pretty darn big. I have neglected my children by being distant. My husband as well. I’ve missed out on time and memories with them because I’ve been a shell of myself for a good while. I’ve beaten myself up to oblivion. I’ve brought this entire thing to light with my circle of women friends that I trust and are praying and helping me. That was a lot to do. I’m sure I sound excuse laden again, but confession can be hard when women might think you’re a harlot. It feels pretty real. And I’m working on letting go of the shame of even getting here. 
 

yes, this is all hard. I’m sure you’re trying to help me as are others. I feel as if I’m having to over explain every explanation. And you’re seeing all excuses. I’m not sure I’m following. I didn’t have an affair. I had a flirtationship. I had no idea what this man was doing day to day. I don’t know his innermost feelings or if he’s sad or happy on any given day. I don’t know his goals or dreams. 
 

I do know I had a crush. I flirted. As did he. I overstepped boundaries and desired to talk to him. It was mutual. But the talking Wasn’t constant. Or on the regular. But when I got it; it was a hit of that high. I get that now. It’s sad. But I continued to flirt and we went a bit over the line... or way past it in revealing feelings. I messed up. I own that. I am still hurting. I own that too. 

[Imgoodimfine]

13 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

That’s the the true solution I was talking about. 

I know that’s the norm. In talking to a counselor about the entire situation and knowing my husband and some situational stuff two trains of thought were offered:

1) tell them. It’s no longer a stronghold. You can move forward. No secrets in marriage. 
2) are you telling them for your guilt to be gone or bc It’ll truly help?

im sure this will garner eye rolls from many of you, but the counselor came to conclusion (that I agree with) That for my situation with my particular husband it’s not the best idea. It would be more of a guilt cleanser for me. Long story that I’m not going down bc I know this will just bring you arguing. Tell me why!

if you can’t tell I’m pretty open. I’ve been tempted to tell hubby many of times lately. But I always stop. I know he’ll still love me at end of the day. It’s not that. I think for him it’ll do more harm than good. I wish I could explain. 

Overall you guys have helped me. I think 

dealing with a man that toyed with me. I stroked his ego. It will continue unless I don’t allow it. I will set up boundaries If it happens again. I will also not entertain any correspondence, although that has yet to happen.  
 

[Zona]

I'm pretty sure Christians cheat just as often as non-religious people. My WW was supposedly a devout bible-thumping Christian, and yet she had a short but very sexual affair with a coworker that I only discovered by chance many years after it was over.

Be honest with yourself, if he had pursued you, you would have caved and committed adultery.  You should read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as your boundaries are pretty well non-existent. Find yourself non-destructive ways to get the dopamine rush that we all crave. 

If you really want a dose of reality, tell your husband what would have happened if your AP had not stepped on the brakes.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Zona

[Imgoodimfine]

33 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Exactly. If (God forbid) you had a sick child and had to move cross country for specialized treatment, you would give up your niche business to do it. Your marriage is now like a sick child that needs help.

We flirted. We didn’t ever get physical. I fell harder than I should. I’m the fool. I’m working on it.  
 

I appreciate all your advice so very much. I’ve said that repeatedly. But I am tiring over the moving narrative. I think you must realize that everyone is in different situations for career. You can’t always up and move. That is so great if you can. But not plausible for all. I’m part of all. Non-negotiable that isn’t even worth bringing up as option bc I cannot move. I don’t mean it ugly. I mean it because it’s reality. I’m not sure how else to say it. 

and yes, God forbid. 

[Imgoodimfine]

3 minutes ago, Zona said:

I'm pretty sure Christians cheat just as often as non-religious people. My WW was supposedly a devout bible-thumping Christian, and yet she had a short but very sexual affair with a coworker that I only discovered by chance many years after it was over.

Be honest with yourself, if he had pursued you, you would have caved and committed adultery.  You should read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as your boundaries are pretty well non-existent. Find yourself non-destructive ways to get the dopamine rush that we all crave. 

If you really want a dose of reality, tell your husband what would have happened if your AP had not stepped on the brakes.

Yes. I agree 100. I only said That part about Christians bc the stereotype is that we all judge and the shock and awe when we do mess up is very loud. I’m sorry that happened to you. 
 

I've read a lot from excerpts on that book, and I’ve read her entire website. I need to buy book. I’m not going to argue with you. I might have. I’d like to say I wouldn’t have. I can’t say that for sure. So I don’t deny at all. I think it would’ve been very tempting. I’d love to say I wouldn’t have. But I don’t know. 
 

and shoulda woulda coulda doesn’t matter now. How I behave moving forward does. 

[Imgoodimfine]

30 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I would tell your husband as a very last resort.  I would even threaten to xMM that if he continues to text/flirt show up at random times, you will have no choice but to tell Your H.  He will deny, so in the meantime maybe screenshot some texts, and save them to secret folder. If you don’t have any, wait until he sends some.  I think dday’s are harder for the women, Especially ones that are PA,  but in your case I would do your best to resolve it on  the QT

I don’t think he’ll communicate via text again, but I agree with telling him that boundary if he breaks it. Fine with that. 

[Zona]

I think there is a really strong possibility it may still happen if you don't cut ties completely. All it would take is for him to make some kind of profession of love, or a stolen kiss and you would be down the rabbit hole in no time. If you work together, the affair never really stops. Sleeping with him would bring you nothing but misery in the end. Sounds like this isn't his first rodeo, he has figured out all the right things to say, and how push/pull works.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I've been through hell because of infidelity.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Zona

[DKT3]

I understand your situation better then you know...many years ago it was our situation.  I traveled a ton, we had two small children and she felt like a single mother.  

I heard the same lines that you have written here. I heard the same excuses and justifications.  

This was an affair,  make no mistake there. Its just a continuation of your inability to truly accept responsibility.  Affair aren't always sexual.  In fact statically speaking about 40% of unfaithful wives do not have sex with thier affair partners. You've taken away from your family mentally and emotionally and given that energy to another man. As simple as this sounds, sit down and really think about how you would feel if you husband was in this position,  or worse yet, having to explain this to your children. 

Listen,  its obvious that this is causing you a great deal of discomfort,  but you have a long way to go before you are a safe partner in your marriage.  

 

[BaileyB]

In keeping with what has been said, I don’t think you would be nearly as worried about him coming around if you didn’t actually really want something to happen/are still kind of sad that it didn’t play out. Whatever the reason, you are still at least a little hung up on the guy or it wouldn’t actually matter where he turns up and how... I think the fact that he was the one to end it  has put you in a bit of a tailspin... thus, the inconsistency in your story. I too think you are still very much at risk here. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[TobyBoy]

16 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

I know that’s the norm. In talking to a counselor about the entire situation and knowing my husband and some situational stuff two trains of thought were offered:

1) tell them. It’s no longer a stronghold. You can move forward. No secrets in marriage. 
2) are you telling them for your guilt to be gone or bc It’ll truly help?

im sure this will garner eye rolls from many of you, but the counselor came to conclusion (that I agree with) That for my situation with my particular husband it’s not the best idea. It would be more of a guilt cleanser for me. Long story that I’m not going down bc I know this will just bring you arguing. Tell me why!

if you can’t tell I’m pretty open. I’ve been tempted to tell hubby many of times lately. But I always stop. I know he’ll still love me at end of the day. It’s not that. I think for him it’ll do more harm than good. I wish I could explain. 

Overall you guys have helped me. I think 

dealing with a man that toyed with me. I stroked his ego. It will continue unless I don’t allow it. I will set up boundaries If it happens again. I will also not entertain any correspondence, although that has yet to happen.  
 

I was in your husband’s shoes once. I saw all the red flags as I’m sure your husband has as well. Didn’t take much for me to dig out the truth about my wife and when confronted my wifes reaction was to lie her ass off! 
It’s only a matter of time before he confronts you (to many people know about your emotional affair), word will get out. I don’t think “my counselor told me not to tell you” will fly as an excuse. 

[Imgoodimfine]

22 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I understand your situation better then you know...many years ago it was our situation.  I traveled a ton, we had two small children and she felt like a single mother.  

I heard the same lines that you have written here. I heard the same excuses and justifications.  

This was an affair,  make no mistake there. Its just a continuation of your inability to truly accept responsibility.  Affair aren't always sexual.  In fact statically speaking about 40% of unfaithful wives do not have sex with thier affair partners. You've taken away from your family mentally and emotionally and given that energy to another man. As simple as this sounds, sit down and really think about how you would feel if you husband was in this position,  or worse yet, having to explain this to your children. 

Listen,  its obvious that this is causing you a great deal of discomfort,  but you have a long way to go before you are a safe partner in your marriage.  

 

Not going to deny that. It’s hard to justify as emotional due to what I read on that but there was clearly secrecy involved. 
 

im sorry this happened to you. I agree with your last sentence. I was trying. Not saying I’m there.