The Not Quite Affair Affair

[DKT3]

17 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

I was in your husband’s shoes once. I saw all the red flags as I’m sure your husband has as well. Didn’t take much for me to dig out the truth about my wife and when confronted my wifes reaction was to lie her ass off! 
It’s only a matter of time before he confronts you (to many people know about your emotional affair), word will get out. I don’t think “my counselor told me not to tell you” will fly as an excuse. 

No to mention, if a therapist encourages you to be dishonest with your partner you should get up and walk out. 

@Imgoodimfine you have to resist put to much emphasis on things people say that makes you feel better about shi++y decisions.  You went to a  therapist to help YOU deal with your emotional situation,  not to deal with your marriage.  Its irresponsible on his/her part to encourage you to make a unilateral decision in your marriage without having ever spoken to your husband.  Just like you've done here, I'm sure you adjusted your story to minimize your actions. 

[Imgoodimfine]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In keeping with what has been said, I don’t think you would be nearly as worried about him coming around if you didn’t actually really want something to happen/are still kind of sad that it didn’t play out. Whatever the reason, you are still at least a little hung up on the guy or it wouldn’t actually matter where he turns up and how... I think the fact that he was the one to end it  has put you in a bit of a tailspin... thus, the inconsistency in your story. I too think you are still very much at risk here. 

Not denying that at all. I’ve said I’m sad. It’s still fresh. 
But I don’t have intentions to have affair. I walked thru entire scenario Had it played out after the fact and it wasn’t pretty. I get it. 
 

I’n not seeing the inconsistency. I feel I’m being transparent. I messed up. Got myself in myself in this. He wanted to stop it. I was sad. I was mad. But I started to heal thru a lot of self reflection and talking it thru. Space was good. It was helping. I felt he was genuine in that he didn’t want to go there. It’s not right. It hurt that he said it, and I wasn’t big enough to. He was right. But I didn’t think I’d be seeing him on capacity I did. So yes, setback. Made me sad. I’m human and emotional. But that’s not to be mistaken for wanting to proceed. I process slowly. 
 

this setback Doesn’t mean I still want affair. I don’t. It has been torture to feel this way..:all due to me and selfishness. And I have no desire to return. But am I at risk? Perhaps so. I don’t desire to be. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to see what I’m dealing with if anyone has experience. I don’t want to be weak. I want to prepare. 
 

I appreciate all of you guys helping me, but at same time I feel I’m justifying myself In writing every post. Please believe what I’m saying. I’m not trying to be inconsistent. 

[Imgoodimfine]

21 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

I was in your husband’s shoes once. I saw all the red flags as I’m sure your husband has as well. Didn’t take much for me to dig out the truth about my wife and when confronted my wifes reaction was to lie her ass off! 
It’s only a matter of time before he confronts you (to many people know about your emotional affair), word will get out. I don’t think “my counselor told me not to tell you” will fly as an excuse. 

I’m sorry. Thank you for your honesty. 

[Imgoodimfine]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

No to mention, if a therapist encourages you to be dishonest with your partner you should get up and walk out. 

@Imgoodimfine you have to resist put to much emphasis on things people say that makes you feel better about shi++y decisions.  You went to a  therapist to help YOU deal with your emotional situation,  not to deal with your marriage.  Its irresponsible on his/her part to encourage you to make a unilateral decision in your marriage without having ever spoken to your husband.  Just like you've done here, I'm sure you adjusted your story to minimize your actions. 

Okay. Thank you for your response and time.  

*****

thank you all. I get it. I'm not owning my part and adjusting my story. I’m not understanding what you are wanting me to say or own up to. I’m sorry I appear misleading. I’m not trying to adjust or derail or any of the above. I’m trying to lay it out best I can. 
 

what are you wanting me to address or what am I misleading or adjusting or not owning? I’ll try to address best I can to clarify. It seems to be a universal thought on here, and I seemed to have really set you all off. I’m sorry. I came for help. It’s backfiring. So help me understand what I’m being misleading about. I’m not trying to be misleading at all. I will own my part. I’m not innocent. 

[DKT3]

We are not taking about being honest with us, no need many can tell that. We are talking being honest with yourself.  We see wayward spouses come here everyday having convinced themselves this isn't that bad, they has no intention,  it just happened.  Then go on to unknowingly explain how it is very bad, that they did intend it and they made it happen.  They are not necessarily being dishonest with us, they've lied to themselves and convinced themselves of these things.  If you attack this in a healthy manner,  you will slowly expose it all. 

[Imgoodimfine]

14 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

We are not taking about being honest with us, no need many can tell that. We are talking being honest with yourself.  We see wayward spouses come here everyday having convinced themselves this isn't that bad, they has no intention,  it just happened.  Then go on to unknowingly explain how it is very bad, that they did intend it and they made it happen.  They are not necessarily being dishonest with us, they've lied to themselves and convinced themselves of these things.  If you attack this in a healthy manner,  you will slowly expose it all. 

Okay, but you’ve continued to tell me I’ve minimized. I’ve gone to counselor for my own emotional baggage, etc., etc. instead of helping me I’ve found myself on the defense. Your tone has been harsh, and I’ve tried to ask what specifically you mean I explain. Anything I say isn’t good enough. I don’t understand. I’m trying here. I feel it’s futile. 
 

furthermore, you got me. I don’t talk to counselor specifically about my marriage. Never said I did. I realized in mid life that some childhood junk needs to be dealt with, making it My emotional baggage. So yes, you’re right. It’s on me. I said I was selfish. Not denying it. I have some working on me and it’s a process. 
 

but as for our relationship, it was one of big fantasy in my head. We talked maybe once or twice a month. At times hot. At times cold. At times more talking. At times not. Talking would be one day. It was pretty minor. But it was also very inappropriate. And 100% I was distant from my spouse bc my fantasy of this dumb Lala land nonrealistic romance was taking up too much of my headspace. 
 

that you see if a bunch of my issue. I live in my head. I’m aware. Im Trying to work on being present. I am trying. I’m dealing. I’m realizing why I do this. I’m also realizing how weird it is that my able to compartmentalize and still love my spouse but not treat him as he deserves. Be distant. Flirt with another man sometimes and fantasize. It’s low self esteem and selfish. I know. I own that.
 

But me realizing all of this is not new, so at moment I'm trying to combat it in future. With same man. Currently frustrated, bc I’m clearly striking a nerve with many of you about owning and not changing my story that I’m not trying to change at all. I’m asking for help and getting told I’m not being honest. It’s frustrating. 

I never said this wasn’t bad. I never said I didn’t own it. I’m so confused why I’m still having to say this. yes, it was bad of me. The situation sucks and again, for the 50th time, I have no desire to ever have a crush again bc I know where it can lead. Not worth it. I take FULL responsibility for landing here. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by Imgoodimfine

[DKT3]

What your being misleading about? 

You claim you didn't intend on or want to have an affair,  yet you're upset, hurt and confused about him telling you that there will be no affair. 

You actively allow this guy to berate your husband knowing full well what his motivations were. Instead of protecting your marriage and husband you did nothing in essence protecting this other guy and your affair. 

Overall your actions and words don't match. I hope you stick around and read many stories here, you will find that plays out over and over again. 

[Zona]

The fact that your here seeking advice, and that you have confessed to the church ladies shows that you have made some progress. Taking ownership and fixing the issues you have that allowed you to do this will take some time, if you spend to time to work on it (preferably with a counsellor that specializes in infidelity).

I think every one of us here that has suffered because of infidelity knows you are not out of danger. You are pining for AP so are still vulnerable, especially since you still work together and will likely end up alone together at some point, which could easily be a flash point to restart the affair. If it restarts, it would be much more intense and impossible to control.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Zona

[Imgoodimfine]

1 minute ago, Zona said:

The fact that your here seeking advice, and that you have confessed to the church ladies shows that you have made some progress. Taking ownership and fixing the issues you have that allowed you to do this will take some time, if you spend to time to work on it (preferably with a counsellor that specializes in infidelity).

I think every one of us here that has suffered because of infidelity knows you are not out of danger. You are pining for AP so are still vulnerable, especially since you still work together and will likely end up alone together at some point, which could easily be a flash point to restart the affair, and it would be much more intense and impossible to control.

Thank you. Agree. And yes, pining is minimized but not totally gone. Maybe not pining, but more sadness and anger and frustration. Many emotions Exist. However like I mentioned, I’m in zone to never go there again and put up all walls and boundaries preventing it. I truly don’t want to return. Plus I want to put ALL my energy in my husband and kids. Not some. All. They’re worth it. 

we do not work together. We have before. It’s been awhile. We have no need to work together in future, so I will not. We actually are rarely if ever alone, so that’s a good thing. But I will see him in group situations. I can handle that better. Other would be hard. 
 

I do think my vulnerable hence here to try and understand this man’s intent. I think y’all have explained it well. 

[Imgoodimfine]

30 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

What your being misleading about? 

You claim you didn't intend on or want to have an affair,  yet you're upset, hurt and confused about him telling you that there will be no affair. 

You actively allow this guy to berate your husband knowing full well what his motivations were. Instead of protecting your marriage and husband you did nothing in essence protecting this other guy and your affair. 

Overall your actions and words don't match. I hope you stick around and read many stories here, you will find that plays out over and over again. 

 

47 minutes ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Okay. Thank you for your response and time.  

*****

thank you all. I get it. I'm not owning my part and adjusting my story. I’m not understanding what you are wanting me to say or own up to. I’m sorry I appear misleading. I’m not trying to adjust or derail or any of the above. I’m trying to lay it out best I can. 
 

what are you wanting me to address or what am I misleading or adjusting or not owning? I’ll try to address best I can to clarify. It seems to be a universal thought on here, and I seemed to have really set you all off. I’m sorry. I came for help. It’s backfiring. So help me understand what I’m being misleading about. I’m not trying to be misleading at all. I will own my part. I’m not innocent. 

 

30 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

What your being misleading about? 

You claim you didn't intend on or want to have an affair,  yet you're upset, hurt and confused about him telling you that there will be no affair. 

You actively allow this guy to berate your husband knowing full well what his motivations were. Instead of protecting your marriage and husband you did nothing in essence protecting this other guy and your affair. 

Overall your actions and words don't match. I hope you stick around and read many stories here, you will find that plays out over and over again. 

I have been reading this OW/OM for a few days now. Thanks for that advice. Check. 
 

I didn’t say I didn’t want affair. I said I was feeling in excitement that crush was mutual. I’d fantasized about kissing him for ages. I’d also thought about how in reality I’m not sure I could truly be physical with another man. I think the fantasy trumps the reality in that one and guilt would prevail. But be sure I was very excited to have a reciprocal crush which in essence meant affair of some sort. So yes, guilty. But I think you read my words to mean something I didn’t. My feelings were exactly as I said. Giddy it was mutual. Remember this was in the span of a day. 
 

I talked to my husband about it tonight. He found it funny. Maybe berate was strong word. I still find it seedy. He basically told him something he had that could look better and showed his own version of that something. Yuck. Made me gag. My husband found it to be typical male making fun, roasting, one upping. I asked hubby why it didn’t bother him. He said bc it reflects low self esteem. 
 

but end of day it bothered me. And yes, I “allowed it” I guess. I sat there and heard him say it. I know this will be making it about me and an excuse to you, BUT (another but), I was in shock that the man was there. I was also in shock at the convo. I’d only seen him one other time since our convo. I didn’t say much at all. Cat got my tongue. I’d like to be better prepared. 
 

Again, hence why I’m here. It threw me.  I wasn’t expecting it. I’ve said this. It isn’t supposed to be an excuse. I’m trying to prepare and tool up. Be wiser. Ackkkk!

im not disclosing true nature of

relationship with other guy to my spouse. You’re right there. I’m not there yet and not sure I’ll ever be. I see it doing more harm than good. But time will tell. I’ve been tempted. I tell my hubby a ton. So I own that. 
 

anything else I’m doing that’s wrong or lying or not matching up? 🤪

Edited September 1, 2020 by Imgoodimfine

[DKT3]

More harm to who?

Hypothetical: say what you've done is a deal breaker for your husband. By not confessing you are manipulating him into a situation that he would otherwise choose not to be in. You're making the assumption that he would want to stay and work it out. In that case does it cause more harm? Or does it give him the information that he needs to make the best decision for him. Ultimately that is what love is. Wanting whats best for those you love doesn't always align with whats best for you. Conditional love is doing whatever it takes to get love from that person and not take into account whats best for them. How can you possibly know the answer here?

 

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

Regardless I’ve realized I can’t be friends for awhile. I need distance bc it helps me to move on to where I’m supposed to be in life. 

No. Not "for a while." You can't be friends, period.

 

8 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

You nailed the relationship, however we cannot move nor can he do to business. We will be intertwined for years, yet not daily or even on the regular. It’s complicated. 
 

I thought he was a good man. Relative of course. I have always thought of myself as good as well, but clearly I’m on here asking for advice.  with not going to far. 
 

what I don’t understand is why he would still want to flirt when I clearly was very upset to him on phone? Why do that to me? 

I'm guessing one of the reasons why it would be difficult to completely disengage (beyond it being a niche business) is that your husband would need to know why you wanted to disengage from this guy and his family and do things differently. I suspect it's going to be difficult or impossible to set the boundaries you need to set as long as your husband remains in the dark about your flirtation/ emotional affair.

I have no idea what a "good man" or "good woman" is supposed to be. I just know people. And any person can mess up in a variety of ways given the right circumstances.

He would flirt/do that to you because he doesn't care about you, your emotional well-being, or your marriage. And why should he? He hasn't made any vows to you. Why would anyone expect an affair partner to be the epitome of integrity and conscientiousness? The very idea of having an affair (emotional or physical) is tied up with self-gratification, boosting one's own ego, selfishness... So it makes perfect sense that someone who has demonstrated those traits before would demonstrate them again and again (and that applies not just to him but also to you).

7 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

 But you’re right on boundary he set up. I’m not sure he’s able to keep it if he’s going to one up my husband in front of me. It was baffling, and made me so mad after the fact. I can smile and move along when I see him. That was my plan to begin with. I don’t think I was prepared for the random things like what happened with my husband.

The lesson you should learn from this is that he is reckless and can't be trusted to do the right thing. He may want to preserve his family and marriage. But he doesn't care as much about protecting yours. This brings me to the point I've been leading toward all this time: you need to tell your husband what happened.

[Wiseman2]

Quote

 I talked to my husband about it tonight. He found it funny.

What did he think was funny?

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, DKT3 said:

What your being misleading about? You claim you didn't intend on or want to have an affair,  yet you're upset, hurt and confused about him telling you that there will be no affair. Overall your actions and words don't match.

Can we quit over dramatizing and questioning OP's motives please? She admits that her feelings are in conflict with her better judgment and executive functioning. This doesn't make her dishonest.

OP, it drives people nuts when you give these vague little vignettes without any detail. It makes it sound like you're obfuscating your motives as well. Either put it on the line or keep it zipped. I doubt there is any difference whatsoever in the likelihood of you being recognized. And, I suggest you quit the whole good Christian schtick. It simply is not relevant, it doesn't insulate you or make you different in any way that is key to the larger question. It does make you sound elitist and hypocritical though, therefore less trustworthy. Also, quite talking about it to your girlfriends! Damn! You think they can keep this mum just because they're your friends? Don't be naive––keep that up and it will be all over town, and eventually get back to your husband (the worst possible way for him to discover it).

This really is not complex. You have to use your better judgement to shut this down. First you have to destroy the titillation you get from the inappropriate attraction, and secondly you have to shut this guy out of your life and your mind. That means staying away from him, and on the rare occasion you do encounter him, ignore, ignore, ignore. There are mental tricks you can use such as negative association to dampen the feelings... but until you actually get over it you need to just shut it down. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by salparadise

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, TobyBoy said:

Expect things to escalate from your crush. This is typical player M.O. He’s the Apha now and your husband the beta. He now can toy with your feelings anytime he sees fit and there’s nothing you can do about it!
 

Yep. I think it's likely he views himself as the alpha guy and OP's husband as the pitiful cuckolded guy. He reckons that, since he was the one who first stopped the flirtation, it would have been easy to get her into his bed if he wanted. He feels good about that. And he feels contemptuous toward her husband, whom he views as an oblivious, trusting fool. As long as she maintains the secret with this guy, she is reinforcing this dynamic.

OP, lemme just reiterate: this guy is not a "good guy" and he's not your friend.

 

7 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s his disrespect for your wishes which is concerning me. He seems reckless despite his guilty demeanor. I don’t think he wants a physical affair, but he’s one of those guys who believes a private emotional relationship is semi-ok. So I think he will keep it up, unfortunately 

Yeah. His ending the flirtation reminded me of those instances where the wayward husband demotes the other woman from potential future spouse to closeted FWB. It looks like he genuinely wants to end the dalliance, but in reality, he is setting the terms for the circumstances under which it can continue.

 

7 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

I know that’s the norm. In talking to a counselor about the entire situation and knowing my husband and some situational stuff two trains of thought were offered:

1) tell them. It’s no longer a stronghold. You can move forward. No secrets in marriage. 
2) are you telling them for your guilt to be gone or bc It’ll truly help?

im sure this will garner eye rolls from many of you, but the counselor came to conclusion (that I agree with) That for my situation with my particular husband it’s not the best idea. It would be more of a guilt cleanser for me. 

I find it very unusual that it's the counselor who first came to the conclusion then you. Isn't the counselor supposed to give you the tools to figure this kind of thing out instead of leading you in a particular direction? You go on to say this isn't a marriage counselor, so she seems to be out of her depth. Like someone else said, get a counselor who specializes in infidelity. I also think it's important that, since you mentioned your faith as being something central in your lives, you talk to a counselor with a Christian counseling background (ideally the same denomination as yours). Because you need to put things right with your husband and with your God. If the policy of keeping things secret is at odds with the concept of the ideal Christian marriage, then you will be doing yourself and your husband a disservice if you just conveniently go along with a secular (I think) counselor's conclusion about what you should do. 

 

7 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

I will also not entertain any correspondence, although that has yet to happen.  

This suggests you haven't blocked him. What are you waiting for?

[Wiseman2]

😑 A lot of people think thier affairs are these epic love stories.

Most of them seem more like trashy paperback romance novels. 🙄

Edited September 1, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

I talked to my husband about it tonight. He found it funny. Maybe berate was strong word. I still find it seedy. He basically told him something he had that could look better and showed his own version of that something. Yuck. Made me gag. My husband found it to be typical male making fun, roasting, one upping. I asked hubby why it didn’t bother him. He said bc it reflects low self esteem. 

 

but end of day it bothered me. And yes, I “allowed it” I guess. I sat there and heard him say it. I know this will be making it about me and an excuse to you, BUT (another but), I was in shock that the man was there. I was also in shock at the convo. 

Of course it doesn't bother him. He doesn't know that this guy has been making you giddy and contemplating sleeping with you. He doesn't know that you and he have been having an emotional affair behind his back. If he knew, he would have seen the dig for what it was.

It would be difficult for you to stand up for your husband and shut this guy down because it would seem like an overreaction to "boys being boys" on your part. So, since you don't want to out yourself, your best option is to shut up and let him insult your husband. You see the kind of corner this secret has pushed you into?

Edited September 1, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[Amethyst68]

I have to say I'm somewhat confused by this thread.

OP you don't have a silly crush you were in a full blown emotional affair. You took the step to take it to the next level and you're reeling from the effects of your AP bailing on you, letting you know exactly where you stand. Ok for a text or maybe even a sext but that's it.

Why does that make him the bad guy in  this scenario? Your first post makes it clear you chased him as much as he chased you. Your subsequent posts may say you no longer want him but the tone and defensiveness of your replies say something else completely.

If this man had said yes there's no doubt you'd be quite happy in the middle of a physical affair right now, vilifying your husband and never a thought to your Christian values. 

I'm sorry but I really thought I was reading something completely different to everyone else. You've not owned up to your own actions. You're definitely still blame shifting your actions to your husband. There's a lot of work still to be done or you'll be back in this man's arms in no time at all.

[RebeccaR]

I am not sure why the OP came here. She already discussed everything with her girlfriends. Neither party is willing to set or respect boundaries. I think she still feels rejected by her AP and wants to know if he still “likes” her, even if she doesn’t plan to continue with him. This is why an affair with a friend or coworker is a terrible idea, because you have to keep seeing them even once it’s “over”. Better to pick an Internet stranger lol than a person who you can never avoid. These things are tough to get away from.

[Crazelnut]

I can't believe there are 3 pages of this flailing. It's pretty simple to me. OP, you were in an emotional affair. You need to decide if you want to now be faithful to your husband or not. If you do, you need to block AP on ALL social media & messgaing apps. When you see him socially, you simply greet him & his family politely, and then you step away. No, you can't ever be friends with him again.

And then turn your energies toward your family. If you catch yourself thinking of him, literally change the subject in your mind to something else. Stop trying to figure out what he's thinking or doing or feeling. It's not your business any more. Your business is to minimize contact and headspace with him. It really is that simple.

It's the fact that you're still laboring over his motives and nursing your sadness and disappointment that makes everyone think you're still emotionally and mentally engaged with him. Literally and simply STOP engaging with him.

[Imgoodimfine]

Thank you all for your replies. I didn’t realize how much of a nerve I’d hit with so many in my responses. Now I’m aware. 
 

Noted from responses:

1. This flirtation crosses over into what many would define as emotional affair. It’s defined different everywhere I have ever read, so good to know for healing. I didn’t consider it that advanced. And yes, I was just as much part of this during the flirting stage as him. Very guilty and no denying that at all. 
2. His ending of it made me sad, bc I wanted it. Well yeah. Clearly. He just jumped to Z when I was around M in my headspace. Took me by surprise. Never said I didn’t want to keep going. My response of sadness in and of itself is due to the mere fact I wasn’t ready to end anything. I’m lost as to why I’m being told this when I am highly aware. At time I was explaining my headspace of being excited. 
3. After that initial shock and some sadness I thought it through. I knew I had to move on bc none of this is healthy or right. After thinking it through all the way I realized he did the right thing and we both dodged a bullet. It would’ve led to extreme hurt for many. Plus nothing ultimately good would’ve happened. Not saying by this that I’m no longer sad, just reiterating that I get it. 
4. So I started to work on moving on and tried to read a ton online. Ignore and distancing is advice. I can do both of on situation. I decided if I were to ever get a message I’d ignore and not respond. That was advice. I did not see this ever happening in reality, bc I thought he truly meant he didn’t want to go there. However all I read said to still be prepared and ready. So the advice: ignore. 
5. I can distance best I can. I will see him in group situations from time to time, but it’s not something where we need to talk. We created reasons to talk. It’s unnecessary at this point. I can acknowledge fam and continue on way. To the poster who said I can’t distance due to my husband not understanding or noticing—not the case at all.

6. Ignore ignore block distance  ignore. He now thinks I’m okay to still flirt and might continue, knowing it’s as far as it will go  I am not fine with this, so again, ignore. He now sees himself as the alpha who had me and my husband as the beta. All of this is unfair to my husband (very aware of this).

5. One poster seems to think I have villainized my husband. I’m sorry if I gave that impression, but let me Clearly state that my husband is in no way responsible for any of this. He is innocent in it all, and a wonderful man. I did mention that I felt alone (not because he was being a villain, but because he was working hard for our family) during the time my crush developed. He was gone often, which I know is no justification. I was trying to explain my headspace to better understand how I got here. I’m the one that did this and got here. He isn’t at all. I’m sad I gave that impression. I feel like in effort to understand, tho, you do need to self reflect on situations and life to see why choices were made or not made and hopefully be better prepared in the future. Processing this is therapeutic in a way.

6. I need to tell my husband everything. I hear you all on this. I’m not there yet, but I know and have read for many it’s part of the process. I need to truly weigh a lot in this situation and think that through. Thank you to those that have been on other side for your two cents on this. I know you see it from different lens.

7. This man is not at all concerned about my feelings or well being or family. That is good for me to hear, and I know now it’s true. I actually thought he did care, but I think you’re all right. So thank you for explaining that part. I speak from emotional female viewpoint, and I came here to try to understand where he could be coming from bc I don’t want to return to where I was  I am understanding now that his intentions are only for his benefit.

8. I responded to a poster about their username being a Christian reference, leading into me talking about my faith. I don’t mean to ever use my faith to sound self righteous. I’m no better than anyone else nor do I think I am. In fact quite opposite. I’m also aware Christians aren’t better than others. Again, I was making conversation with another poster about a shared faith. I will never not mention that in effort to not sound something to others.  I am sad at myself & disappointed. I can do better. And I’m beyond thankful to have my faith. Good idea to the person that mentioned Christian counselor as well.  Part of me thinks I need a straight psych for some issues at this point, tho, so I need to move to a doc with more credentials.

9. You guys have been very hard on me. I deserve it, but a lot of assumptions have been made that aren’t accurate. Some have been made that are true. I’ve tried my best to address them. I came on here to try and understand why this dude who wanted to end something right when we admitted feelings would come back around in our faces. I was working on moving on, and it confused me and concerned me for moving on. I truly want to move on and be prepared if temptation of this man comes my way. Thank you to those of you who helped me better understand where he might be coming from and intentions. When I’m thinking he was genuine, and I’m seeing maybe not it threw me bc I’m not over it yet. Your words and tools to use are very helpful and that’s what I needed. I want to be the woman worthy of my husband who is not swayed or distant  I also don’t want to go down this road ever again. It’s the worst. 
 

I’m not writing the above to have it nit picked and ripped apart with all I’m doing wrong. I’m trying to, best I know how, let you know that I hear you all and have gained some good info. Thank you. I’ve also seen responses that were not helpful at all  for example, I do not think this man is the love of my life or some great love story’s all. Not sure where that even came from! While this decision and my actions have been nothing short of dumb going down that road, I am not dumb. That comment was so random.
 

I am trying to better myself for my family as they deserve so much more. I want to be on guard and have tools if anything of the sort happens again. I want to be the woman I know I can be, and not this lady who went down a sad path that really hasn’t been anything but a bunch of ups and downs and distance from family. The entire experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I reflect. My mistake is shameful, but it doesn’t define me. My goal is to move on and be diligent in protecting my people. I’m not blind to fact that I’m still wounded and sad, but a lot of your words on this man’s intentions spoke to me in a very good way on moving along in my head as well. Thank you. 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by Imgoodimfine

[Imgoodimfine]

36 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I am not sure why the OP came here. She already discussed everything with her girlfriends. Neither party is willing to set or respect boundaries. I think she still feels rejected by her AP and wants to know if he still “likes” her, even if she doesn’t plan to continue with him. This is why an affair with a friend or coworker is a terrible idea, because you have to keep seeing them even once it’s “over”. Better to pick an Internet stranger lol than a person who you can never avoid. These things are tough to get away from.

What’s very helpful is when internet strangers do come asking for help on a forum that indicates help/advice in this situation “OW/OM,” and they’re made fun of and mocked. It really feels like a safe space to ask for advice. Because clearly, OP’s girlfriends had all had this situation happen before and could offer stellar advice to her already. 
 

Sad. Assumptions. I’m on here to get what I wrote right above. And I did receive help and some clarity, so even though I’m sifting through comments like this, I’m glad I came here. Mocking me does nothing to help this situation at all, and it’s rude whether you know me in real life or not. 

[Imgoodimfine]

42 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I can't believe there are 3 pages of this flailing. It's pretty simple to me. OP, you were in an emotional affair. You need to decide if you want to now be faithful to your husband or not. If you do, you need to block AP on ALL social media & messgaing apps. When you see him socially, you simply greet him & his family politely, and then you step away. No, you can't ever be friends with him again.

And then turn your energies toward your family. If you catch yourself thinking of him, literally change the subject in your mind to something else. Stop trying to figure out what he's thinking or doing or feeling. It's not your business any more. Your business is to minimize contact and headspace with him. It really is that simple.

It's the fact that you're still laboring over his motives and nursing your sadness and disappointment that makes everyone think you're still emotionally and mentally engaged with him. Literally and simply STOP engaging with him.

Thank you! Sound, good advice. And yes, it’s still pretty fresh so last paragraph is right on. Great, helpful advice all around. Will take to heart and action. 

[RebeccaR]

No one was mocking you. Everyone is very sad you have to go down this path many of us are unfortunately familiar with. The fact is, you want everything tied up in a neat bow quickly, and that may not happen. Your feelings may not die down. The guy may continue to not respect boundaries. Someone may tell your husband what they suspect or know. No one has been harsh, it’s just that you don’t like the responses. You have gotten great advice. Not all of it may work for you but it is all worth taking seriously. Please take care of yourself.

[Zona]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah. His ending the flirtation reminded me of those instances where the wayward husband demotes the other woman from potential future spouse to closeted FWB. It looks like he genuinely wants to end the dalliance, but in reality, he is setting the terms for the circumstances under which it can continue.

So much this. Truer words have never been spoken. He didn't discard her so much as put her on the back burner, in a way that left her longing for more, so that he could re-kindle the affair at the snap of finger and escalate it. So unbelievably typical.