The Not Quite Affair Affair

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW. One thing after reading your posts I could recommend is to, instead of focusing on MM and his actions right now, focus on why you started walking down the path you did. Why did you indulge this crush/emotional attachment to the point it almost turned into a physical affair? What is missing in you that these thoughts made you feel better? What can you do to work on these thoughts, and strengthen yourself and your boundaries so that you don't walk down that path again? Those of us who have had affairs have said "I won't do this again" and yet chosen to fall right back into the situation we were trying to escape from, usually because the deeper issues within ourselves were not fully addressed.

Also, I'm the poster who often says that the posts on this site that piss me off the most are the ones hitting a nerve I need to examine. There are many people with different experiences and perspectives on this site that can help us grow and change, even if the words may not be communicated in the most "polite" way. When I first joined this site ten years ago, posters would call MW "wh*#es" all the time and there was little moderation...today is a vast improvement!

Keep digging deeper and questioning yourself regarding your choices and actions and thought patterns. Peel that onion until there is nothing left. Good luck.

[Imgoodimfine]

13 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

No one was mocking you. Everyone is very sad you have to go down this path many of us are unfortunately familiar with. The fact is, you want everything tied up in a neat bow quickly, and that may not happen. Your feelings may not die down. The guy may continue to not respect boundaries. Someone may tell your husband what they suspect or know. No one has been harsh, it’s just that you don’t like the responses. You have gotten great advice. Not all of it may work for you but it is all worth taking seriously. Please take care of yourself.

While I’m sure you mean all the best for me, I read this from you to be mocking and rude:

“I am not sure why the OP came here. She already discussed everything with her girlfriends. Neither party is willing to set or respect boundaries.”

*****
thank you for your last response, tho. While things like above only frustrate me due to not being accurate at all, You have given some good advice. I don’t see everything being tied up in a neat bow at all, but I did think it was over. I acknowledged this is a good thing to be over, but I’m going to be sad for a good while. Sad because of all the emotions from it’s over to what have I done to how could I to be rejected you to (fill in the blank). I might not have said every single thought on here, but I do get a lot of it when it comes to emotions and moving on. And yes, true on husband. I addressed where I was on that above. I’m very aware of all the things that could be revealed. 

I’m thankful to have some answers and advice regarding what to do moving forward regarding a Situation like this. I think some posters could see his play that I couldn’t see. And the best thing I can do right now to protect not returning to fantasyland and ups and downs is what the above posted said in ignoring, etc. That was my whole goal on asking if this is common and what to do. I’m working on this one day at a time, but I want to be strong when it comes to any kind of temptation. That is where I needed thoughts/help. 
 

 

 

[Imgoodimfine]

14 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I was a MW. One thing after reading your posts I could recommend is to, instead of focusing on MM and his actions right now, focus on why you started walking down the path you did. Why did you indulge this crush/emotional attachment to the point it almost turned into a physical affair? What is missing in you that these thoughts made you feel better? What can you do to work on these thoughts, and strengthen yourself and your boundaries so that you don't walk down that path again? Those of us who have had affairs have said "I won't do this again" and yet chosen to fall right back into the situation we were trying to escape from, usually because the deeper issues within ourselves were not fully addressed.

Also, I'm the poster who often says that the posts on this site that piss me off the most are the ones hitting a nerve I need to examine. There are many people with different experiences and perspectives on this site that can help us grow and change, even if the words may not be communicated in the most "polite" way. When I first joined this site ten years ago, posters would call MW "wh*#es" all the time and there was little moderation...today is a vast improvement!

Keep digging deeper and questioning yourself regarding your choices and actions and thought patterns. Peel that onion until there is nothing left. Good luck.

Thank you for this! Yes! This has been what I’ve been doing in processing. It’s how I realized that the timing of the crush starting was when I was feeling a certain way at home. It’s all part of the processing the bigger issue, which I know exists. I think I’ve reflected somewhat to get there, but I also think I need a psych to help me with some steps. 
 

I felt my words were twisted into assumptions that weren’t accurate a lot on this entire thing. Probably due to my writing. I’m on a cell phone and it’s hard to write well, punctuate and see what all I’m saying.  The hardest thing to hear for me is to tell my husband. Other than that it’s been helpful. Many of the assumptions just weren’t accurate. Thank you again.

i think I do need that psych! 

 

 

[Imgoodimfine]

20 minutes ago, Zona said:

So much this. Truer words have never been spoken. He didn't discard her so much as put her on the back burner, in a way that left her longing for more, so that he could re-kindle the affair at the snap of finger and escalate it. So unbelievably typical.

This was good for me to read. Part of me at this point doesn’t think it matters bc I don’t need to concentrate on him as others have pointed out. Just bettering me and moving along for my family. Ignoring. its been therapeutic for all of you to point out his intentions, though. Makes me feel so gross and small. 
 

So my ? Feels like I probably shouldn’t ask, bc it’s regarding him. I just don’t understand some of it, which is why maybe I naively thought his words were accurate. I am curious, though, so here it is. Is this something some people do without realizing they’re even doing it? I don’t think he’s had an affair before, so I’m not sure I buy that he went thru that entire thought process to make me long for him only to just rekindle it later. Or is this just the norm? I really think we had the feelings convo unexpectedly. I was happy. He felt immense guilt and thought ahead how it would play out. It wasn’t pretty. He stopped it. It was all within a span of a day. 
 

what stinks is that I felt blindsided and did get upset at first, feeding into that scenario if true. However I’m now in a different place while not totally safe and clear If I don’t establish boundaries. I don’t want to let anything be rekindled. I will be on guard. I will follow all of your advice on what to do. I’ve had time to think it thru now, and like I said, while I might miss him I know We both dodged a bullet.  

[RebeccaR]

It’s eerie how similar these situations are.

Had a similar  “ending it” conversation 

Used the exact same words “blindsided” and “dodged a bullet”

Then - it continued on and off for an additional 2 years - and we didn’t even work together or know each other’s families or even live in the same state

Now do you understand where we are coming from when we give advice? We have lived the exact same thing and dealt with the consequences 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by RebeccaR
Typo

[Imgoodimfine]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s eerie how similar these situations are.

Had a similar  “ending it” conversation 

Used the exact same words “blindsided” and “dodged a bullet”

Then - it continued on and off for an additional 2 years - and we didn’t even work together or know each other’s families or even live in the same state

Now do you understand where we are coming from when we give advice? We have lived the exact same thing and dealt with the consequences 

 

 

I’m sure and know you are trying to help. But some of the assumptions have been inaccurate and I’ve tried to correct them in effort to understand situation as good as you can. It helps. 
 

most posters have helped me. Like I said, hardest to hear bc it’s most likely right thing to do is tell my husband. That’s hard. I see point. That one hit home. I’m going to be thinking that thru a lot. I wasn’t even taking it thru. 
 

some of the things that people have thought struck a nerve were due to thinking they knew how I felt or what I meant and it was inaccurate. I think in rereading that the biggest misunderstanding that I didn’t communicate well enough is that: yes, he stopped it. I was very sad. Hurt. Mad. I wasn’t ready to stop. I hadn’t gone down the lane into full on PA mode yet, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t willing. I hoped I wouldn’t have, but I was in a fog.
 

What I shared was that since the confessing then saying halt, stop within the span of a day had two very different responses to the confession. I was giddy and happy to have acknowledgment. He went to point z with the ramifications. In the end he was right. And when I thought about it, I realized I don’t want affair. It would be awful. But it took him stopping it for me to have to think it thru and get there. 
 

I don’t deny above. I just don’t think I typed it out for people to understand me clearly. No, I don’t want affair. Yes, I was apparently in one and not ready to stop whatever it was we were doing. He thought it thru and was. 
 

hope that makes sense, but that’s where I sense people aren’t following. And I asked for help and want it. I just want to be heard that I’m not denying part, while also acknowledge that some of what’s being inferred isn’t accurate as well. 

****
was yours online and deep conversations? We don’t do that. It was more surface. I only ask bc you said different states. I think if you’re writing all day then you would falsely get extremely close. 

[Bittersweetie]

OP...frankly, and I know this is hard to accept, it shouldn't matter why he said what he said, or why he did what he did. What matters is YOUR choices and YOUR reactions. Focusing on him and his actions does not help your path forward (and in fact could be an escape from facing your own self). You will say "but if I understand the whys then I can move forward." You may never understand why he did what he did, and that is okay. You do not need that answer to address your own path and future.

Just after college, my best girlfriend, who I loved as a sister, ghosted me. It was sudden and painful and I had no idea why. For years...decades...I wondered why did she act that way? What did I do to deserve that behavior? Why? Why?Why?

It literally took me over 15 years to understand that why she did what she did didn't matter to my own healing. I finally let the whys go and it was like a weight lifted off of me...I didn't realize how long I'd been hanging on to that thought pattern. I could not control her or her actions, but I could control my reaction. I changed the pattern and felt so much better as a result. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get there. A similar experience happened with xMM...he ghosted me and I kept wondering why and ultimately reached out to him again, the affair picked up again and then turned physical. 

You need to turn the focus on you and what actions you are taking to address your issues and strengthen your boundaries. Refocus on your family. Yes I know it's hard. I focused on by GF for years, I focused on xMM and why he did and said the things he did for a while. My focus on them was not a productive outlet for my mental energy. Let the questions go, and use your energy on the questions you can answer, the ones within yourself. 

Edited September 1, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[RebeccaR]

Now you are the one making assumptions lol. People can still travel between states, you know.

Nothing you’re saying about your own behavior is hard to understand. It’s a very natural response to excitement. What concerned me was the guy continuing to try to get your attention and him treating your husband disrespectfully. This tells me the guy is not who you thought he was. You are a decent religious woman who overstepped her own boundaries - it happens. He’s clearly continuing to get off on knowing you pine for him and feeling he has put something over on your husband. That just shows he is not a nice person and things could get dangerous.

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

OP...frankly, and I know this is hard to accept, it shouldn't matter why he said what he said, or why he did what he did. What matters is YOUR choices and YOUR reactions. Focusing on him and his actions does not help your path forward (and in fact could be an escape from facing your own self). You will say "but if I understand the whys then I can move forward." You may never understand why he did what he did, and that is okay. You do not need that answer to address your own path and future.

Just after college, my best girlfriend, who I loved as a sister, ghosted me. It was sudden and painful and I had no idea why. For years...decades...I wondered why did she act that way? What did I do to deserve that behavior? Why? Why?Why?

It literally took me over 15 years to understand that why she did what she did didn't matter to my own healing. I finally let the whys go and it was like a weight lifted off of me...I didn't realize how long I'd been hanging on to that thought pattern. I could not control her or her actions, but I could control my reaction. I changed the pattern and felt so much better as a result. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get there. A similar experience happened with xMM...he ghosted me and I kept wondering why and ultimately reached out to him again, the affair picked up again and then turned physical. 

You need to turn the focus on you and what actions you are taking to address your issues and strengthen your boundaries. Refocus on your family. Yes I know it's hard. I focused on by GF for years, I focused on xMM and why he did and said the things he did for a while. My focus on them was not a productive outlet for my mental energy. Let the questions go, and use your energy on the questions you can answer, the ones within yourself. 

Thank you. And your example hits home. That happened with a friend of mine as well from childhood. Good points, and I get you on the mental energy and healing. Thank you. 

[Imgoodimfine]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Now you are the one making assumptions lol. People can still travel between states, you know.

Nothing you’re saying about your own behavior is hard to understand. It’s a very natural response to excitement. What concerned me was the guy continuing to try to get your attention and him treating your husband disrespectfully. This tells me the guy is not who you thought he was. You are a decent religious woman who overstepped her own boundaries - it happens. He’s clearly continuing to get off on knowing you pine for him and feeling he has put something over on your husband. That just shows he is not a nice person and things could get dangerous.

That’s what I have also learned from this thread. I don’t like that one bit, and I didn’t like it when it happened. Thank you for reiterating it. I get this part now, and I see it more clearly. 

[DKT3]

Its absolutely not hard to understand what you are saying.  I think your issues is no one is buying what you're selling.  You can't even admit this was an affair.  

It doesn't matter how many times you think you need to clarify your words, your actions don't match.  Your actions scream you want to continue,  you are willing to destroy your family.  Words are easy but that can't conceal actions. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Imgoodimfine, I'm concerned about the women who know about this. Eventually it's likely to get back to your husband because even if someone doesn't tell your secret they may make innuendos to others, thinking they're being discreet, that will out you. That's one reason to tell your husband. Another reason is because your marriage needs your husband's protection from this man. And the secrecy you and this man share knowing about this binds you together in a way. Telling your husband about it will break that bond and that will be good for both you and your marriage. Being honest with another person is a way to promote intimacy in a relationship. Right now, you and the other man are honest with each other in that you both know about this. Whereas your husband is on the outside, unaware. So in a sense he's on the outside with you, too. Also, it's only fair to your husband to know where your marriage stands.  

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Imgoodimfine, I'm concerned about the women who know about this. Eventually it's likely to get back to your husband because even if someone doesn't tell your secret they may make innuendos to others, thinking they're being discreet, that will out you. That's one reason to tell your husband. Another reason is because your marriage needs your husband's protection from this man. And the secrecy you and this man share knowing about this binds you together in a way. Telling your husband about it will break that bond and that will be good for both you and your marriage. Being honest with another person is a way to promote intimacy in a relationship. Right now, you and the other man are honest with each other in that you both know about this. Whereas your husband is on the outside, unaware. So in a sense he's on the outside with you, too. Also, it's only fair to your husband to know where your marriage stands.  

Thank you. I’m not concerned about the women who know for a specific reason, but I did think about the  last part of your words already. And that’s not fair to my husband. Thank you for your advice on this. You’re right. 

[Zona]

Beware of what we call trickle truth. That is either lying about the details or minimizing it. Trickle truth is likely what leads to divorce more than the affair itself.

Since you told your husband a tiny bit of what happened, any further disclosure may be seen by him as trickle truth ultimately once he knows everything. He would certainly see this as dishonesty which destroys trust, and from then on he wouldn't believe a thing you say.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Zona

[mark clemson]

I agree with @LivingWaterPlease you were foolish to mention this to people you know. It's good you trust them, but "loose lips sink ships". If you indeed plan to not tell your husband (sounds like you are trying to decide this), I'd advise against any further discussion, except e.g. with someone with a true professional requirement to confidentiality, e.g. a therapist. And really, even if you do decide to tell, as he may not particularly feel like having word of this spread around your social circle.

As you can probably tell, some of the folks on this board would love to tell your husband "for your own good" as well as for his in their view, and would probably do so in a heartbeat. The fact that you have children and this might end your marriage and severely disrupt their lives is, of course, of no account since (in their minds) by not telling you (somehow) show that you are still maintaining the affair, even though you're clearly not doing that.

If one of your trusted friends slips up and mentions your EA to a person like this, the choice will be taken out of your hands. Something to keep in mind. While I personally believe the tell/no tell thing should be a personal decision, IMO you should have a real plan in place for what to do in case your husband does find out and e.g. decides to divorce you over it. I'd say the chance is probably low, but you certainly increased it significantly by discussing it with friends, even "trusted" ones.

Edited September 1, 2020 by mark clemson

[Imgoodimfine]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I agree with @LivingWaterPlease you were foolish to mention this to people you know. It's good you trust them, but "loose lips sink ships". If you indeed plan to not tell your husband (sounds like you are trying to decide this), I'd advise against any further discussion, except e.g. with someone with a true professional requirement to confidentiality, e.g. a therapist. And really, even if you do decide to tell, as he may not particularly feel like having word of this spread around your social circle.

As you can probably tell, some of the folks on this board would love to tell your husband "for your own good" as well as for his in their view, and would probably do so in a heartbeat. The fact that you have children and this might end your marriage and severely disrupt their lives is, of course, of no account since (in their minds) by not telling you (somehow) show that you are still maintaining the affair, even though you're clearly not doing that.

If one of your trusted friends slips up and mentions your EA to a person like this, the choice will be taken out of your hands. Something to keep in mind. While I personally believe the tell/no tell thing should be a personal decision, IMO you should have a real plan in place for what to do in case your husband does find out and e.g. decides to divorce you over it. I'd say the chance is probably low, but you certainly increased it significantly by discussing it with friends, even "trusted" ones.

Thank you! All good advice. I hear on all of it. And thank you for acknowledging that I’m not trying to maintain an affair. 🙄

I understand all your saying and will consider it all. Thanks for any advice as I can see you get in trying to improve and not regress. 

[Crazelnut]

2 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

 

So my ? Feels like I probably shouldn’t ask, bc it’s regarding him. I just don’t understand some of it, which is why maybe I naively thought his words were accurate. I am curious, though, so here it is. Is this something some people do without realizing they’re even doing it? I don’t think he’s had an affair before, so I’m not sure I buy that he went thru that entire thought process to make me long for him only to just rekindle it later. Or is this just the norm? I really think we had the feelings convo unexpectedly. I was happy. He felt immense guilt and thought ahead how it would play out. It wasn’t pretty. He stopped it. It was all within a span of a day. 
 

what stinks is that I felt blindsided and did get upset at first, feeding into that scenario if true. However I’m now in a different place while not totally safe and clear If I don’t establish boundaries. I don’t want to let anything be rekindled. I will be on guard. I will follow all of your advice on what to do. I’ve had time to think it thru now, and like I said, while I might miss him I know We both dodged a bullet.  

Seriously? Which part of "quit worrying about him and deal with your own actions" are you not understanding? It DOES NOT matter why he acted as he did. THIS is why a lot of people here believe you're going to keep this going. Until he no longer matters, you are not out of this situation. You are not DONE until you realize what he did and your feeeelings about that simply  do. not. belong. in your married head.  

Edited September 1, 2020 by Crazelnut

[Imgoodimfine]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Seriously? Which part of "quit worrying about him and deal with your own actions" are you not understanding? It DOES NOT matter why he acted as he did. THIS is why a lot of people here believe you're going to keep this going. Until he no longer matters, you are not out of this situation. You are not DONE until you realize what he did and your feeeelings about that simply  do. not. belong. in your married head.  

I have said it’s fresh, and I’m working on it. I’m not done W/ the emotions at all. I’m still, like I mentioned not too far above, processing and most likely will be for a good, long while about this entire thing.

i get it from a health point of view, but nope, the thoughts and questions aren’t gone yet from where I am in reality POV. Man, if only I was that strong already.
 

I will not be reaching out or responding to him if contact happens. On that I am done. The emotional junk this has brought by my own actions will take awhile to move along. I know me. It’s going to be a journey from that end. I have to think for me to just be done emotionally would be not the norm for many women, but if it is then I need some of that in my life. 

[DKT3]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I agree with @LivingWaterPlease you were foolish to mention this to people you know. It's good you trust them, but "loose lips sink ships". If you indeed plan to not tell your husband (sounds like you are trying to decide this), I'd advise against any further discussion, except e.g. with someone with a true professional requirement to confidentiality, e.g. a therapist. And really, even if you do decide to tell, as he may not particularly feel like having word of this spread around your social circle.

As you can probably tell, some of the folks on this board would love to tell your husband "for your own good" as well as for his in their view, and would probably do so in a heartbeat. The fact that you have children and this might end your marriage and severely disrupt their lives is, of course, of no account since (in their minds) by not telling you (somehow) show that you are still maintaining the affair, even though you're clearly not doing that.

If one of your trusted friends slips up and mentions your EA to a person like this, the choice will be taken out of your hands. Something to keep in mind. While I personally believe the tell/no tell thing should be a personal decision, IMO you should have a real plan in place for what to do in case your husband does find out and e.g. decides to divorce you over it. I'd say the chance is probably low, but you certainly increased it significantly by discussing it with friends, even "trusted" ones.

Mark you and I have been back and forth on this topic for a long time. Believe it or not, I get it. However, we really need to separate your need vs the betrayed spouses need and whats best for all.

Example,  my son recently got an unbelievable opportunity. Its something that makes my wife and I very uncomfortable yet requires us to help him.  Its would be easy and very comfortable to withhold the help. It would be best for us, but how can we make the decision that its best for him? We love him so we need to give him the resources (information in your case) to do whats best for him. 

Wayward spouses thinking because the betrayed spouses may make a decision in their best interests may not align with what they want is the reason the information is withheld.  Children,  marriage and responsibilities didn't prevent the situation,  yet those are the things used to prevent giving people the most basic need, choice. 

[RebeccaR]

If there is a way you can block him from texting you, do it. Hopefully you’re not on any group chats where anyone would notice

[elaine567]

Men in general do not react very favourably to their wives cheating, so whilst it may be very moral and fair to tell all, you need to also prepare for divorce as that may be the outcome sooner or later.
So whilst the chorus of voices on the forum may be to tell, tell, tell, they do not have to live as a single parent, nor try to fix damaged children...when your husband turns his back on you.

[Imgoodimfine]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Men in general do not react very favourably to their wives cheating, so whilst it may be very moral and fair to tell all, you need to also prepare for divorce as that may be the outcome sooner or later.
So whilst the chorus of voices on the forum may be to tell, tell, tell, they do not have to live as a single parent, nor try to fix damaged children...when your husband turns his back on you.

Thank you. I have many reasons for weighing it, speaking from my own experience in growing up. I appreciate your words very much! 

******
 

I feel very down from the overall tone this thread has taken. I already habe guilt and shame that I’m working through, and I acknowledge it’s deserved.  But all the telling me that I’m still wanting it, not listening, changing my tune and “everyone thinks I’m going to keep doing it” isn’t why I even came on here. It’s not helping, and I don’t believe it to be true.  I came for the opposite bc I don’t want to be here ever again. This has been a giant beating coming on this forum that I am currently regretting. 

[RebeccaR]

Elaine, this is a good point. I would be concerned because her girlfriends already know and because the guy is clearly not done with her. Who knows - maybe his wife will hear through the grapevine and he will throw the OP under the bus as the pursuer. 
 

OTOH, since they are apparently in a conservative religious community, it might be OK for her since nothing was physical. Many men don’t consider it cheating if it’s only emotional, as did the OP initially.

[RebeccaR]

Did you want advice about how to stand firm against future temptation? Many have already told you to at least block his number everywhere. There is no downside. 

[Imgoodimfine]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

Did you want advice about how to stand firm against future temptation? Many have already told you to at least block his number everywhere. There is no downside. 

Yes! I saw that. Thank you. We actually didn’t communicate via number, but I’ve taken advice already. He rarely reached out to begin with, so that’s good. 
 

Broken record here, but here’s what I get. I was naive in thinking it was truly over at least from point of him not inserting himself in life acting normal. I need boundaries and walls for my family and mental health to move on. I have blocked on communication tool and will do what was mentioned at group gatherings. Quick hello to group and move along. I can do that fine.
 

I just desire distance and didn’t realize that would be case since I was in shock during our conversation. During last time we talked I said we could be fine/normal when we saw one another. I realized soon after I didn’t find that healthy for me, but I’m not reaching out to tell him that. No contact. So again, he went out of way to be where I was, making me confused, concerned and bringing back all the feels of emotions. Cannot go there. Do not want to go there. Was working on health. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be a “friend” and show it’s fine if we see one another, he will be normal or if this was manipulative. The part with my husband led me to see it as strange and manipulative. I don’t know if he was having a male ego moment or what, but I was far from impressed. 

That was my whole reason of coming on here. Not to defend. Not to convince I want to move on. Not to explain in detail how I got here, not to give my life story of how I’m handling it emotionally. I just wanted to know if it was normal behavior when ending it and how to stop it from my end/advice on tools for that. I’ve def gotten some on this, so that’s a positive.