The Not Quite Affair Affair

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Imgoodimfine said:

True, but not a doc. I think I need a psych. I’ve been thinking this for awhile as I process even during what I called a big crush/EA. 

I think a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, unless you feel you have an actual mental illness. 

[Crazelnut]

Do you feel like you need medication? It doesn't sound like it to me. You need a clinical psychologist or a licensed therapist. 

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Imgoodimfine said:

I felt my words were twisted into assumptions that weren’t accurate a lot on this entire thing. Probably due to my writing. I’m on a cell phone and it’s hard to write well, punctuate and see what all I’m saying.  The hardest thing to hear for me is to tell my husband. Other than that it’s been helpful. Many of the assumptions just weren’t accurate. Thank you again.

Yeah, there's a bit of that happening. But it comes with the territory. That's what happens on discussion boards. All sorts of people respond with all sorts of opinions. There's a lot of assumption making, a lot of projection, some folks simply didn't read carefully enough to understand, etc.

If you have the time to read other discussions on Loveshack, you'll notice it happens a lot. So don't take it personally. Just sift through everything, take what applies to your situation, ponder on the stuff that challenges you...

16 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Elaine, this is a good point. I would be concerned because her girlfriends already know and because the guy is clearly not done with her. Who knows - maybe his wife will hear through the grapevine and he will throw the OP under the bus as the pursuer. 
 

OTOH, since they are apparently in a conservative religious community, it might be OK for her since nothing was physical. Many men don’t consider it cheating if it’s only emotional, as did the OP initially.

It's possible that the girlfriends are an accountability group or something of the sort; sometimes religious folks have that to help deal with precisely this kind of situation. 

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So whilst the chorus of voices on the forum may be to tell, tell, tell, they do not have to live as a single parent, nor try to fix damaged children...when your husband turns his back on you.

She should certainly keep all eventualities in mind. There's no guarantee that they'll ride off into the sunset together if she tells him.

But given the unique circumstances of her situation, the odds are high that he will find out. I think the least damaging way for him to find out is the one that involves her telling him sooner rather than later.

[Imgoodimfine]

53 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah, there's a bit of that happening. But it comes with the territory. That's what happens on discussion boards. All sorts of people respond with all sorts of opinions. There's a lot of assumption making, a lot of projection, some folks simply didn't read carefully enough to understand, etc.

If you have the time to read other discussions on Loveshack, you'll notice it happens a lot. So don't take it personally. Just sift through everything, take what applies to your situation, ponder on the stuff that challenges you...

It's possible that the girlfriends are an accountability group or something of the sort; sometimes religious folks have that to help deal with precisely this kind of situation. 

She should certainly keep all eventualities in mind. There's no guarantee that they'll ride off into the sunset together if she tells him.

But given the unique circumstances of her situation, the odds are high that he will find out. I think the least damaging way for him to find out is the one that involves her telling him sooner rather than later.

I very much appreciate everything you said here. Thank you! I think you get that I was never intending to mislead. In reading back (yes, I did it dk forgot total username) I said I didn’t want affair. When I said that it was in reference to after the “we can’t do this” convo after some soul searching and realizing that it’s for the best. I meant that I currently don’t want affair. I did not realize I was in an EA. Every single place I read online defines them so differently, so I didn’t quite think mine had hit that mark Of emotional intimacy. Apparently I was wrong. But before he stopped what we were doing I did NOT want to stop it. I enjoyed it. I don’t see this as contradictory on a timeline. Yes, I liked what I was doing and was enjoying it. He ended it. I’m still sad but have reflected a lot. I do not want one now. 

crazelnut, You’re right in that I don’t think I have a mental illness, but I definitely have some issues. I do think I need more than what I’m talking to currently (More volunteer Counselor) to understand the situation and course of action. I think some people mentioned therapists for marriage/relationships. That would be good if they can help me with tools for moving forward. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out catalyst from my past of low self worth, rejection, etc., recently, but now what? I don’t know what I do with that other than I’m aware. I need someone to help me with that plus my bad and good choices I’ve made now. Thank you!

[RebeccaR]

Curious how old you and the other man are, and whether either of you had previous romantic experiences? If you both married young due to religious expectations or whatever, that could be something to explore.

If you feel severe anxiety due to the current situation, a psychiatrist could prescribe medication. Otherwise, sounds like you might just need a better therapist. Some are just not that great. When you find a good one, that will really help.

[Bittersweetie]

18 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

YOUR THOUGHTS - stop thinking you were victimized. You weren't. You were on equal footing with him in this. What you're really feeling is the sting of rejection, and shame that he 'beat you to the punch' in recognizing the two of you were heading down a dangerous path and he is now enforcing the boundary. 

Ask yourself, would you feel better if you had been the one to shut this down instead of him? I think so. I think you now feel humiliated for making yourself vulnerable to him, so that he could ultimately reject you in favor of his wife. You feel ashamed that you let yourself develop ideas that he found you more attractive than his wife

This is a valid point. When xMM ghosted me the first time, I was SO ANGRY. How dare he! But I was addicted and ashamed and telling myself we had a "connection" so I reached out again months later. And this time I thought: I will do to him what he did to me, and then he can know how it feels! But that's not how it turned out. I got addicted again, told myself all kinds of things to justify my actions, we got physical, and he ended up ghosting me again. And during all of this, I conveniently ignored my own part in the affair because I was the one who got hurt in this situation. It was all about me.

Growth and change is not an easy or quick path but is worth the hard work. Good luck.

[Imgoodimfine]

59 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Curious how old you and the other man are, and whether either of you had previous romantic experiences? If you both married young due to religious expectations or whatever, that could be something to explore.

If you feel severe anxiety due to the current situation, a psychiatrist could prescribe medication. Otherwise, sounds like you might just need a better therapist. Some are just not that great. When you find a good one, that will really help.

Mid-life now with many years of marriage behind me. I didn’t marry due to any expectations other than being in love. I was out of college but still young. I would assume same with him on marrying due to love. 
 

That sounds like what I need to do. I’m not experiencing severe anxiety, but I’ve had some here and there. Nothing monumental. 

[Imgoodimfine]

1 minute ago, Bittersweetie said:

This is a valid point. When xMM ghosted me the first time, I was SO ANGRY. How dare he! But I was addicted and ashamed and telling myself we had a "connection" so I reached out again months later. And this time I thought: I will do to him what he did to me, and then he can know how it feels! But that's not how it turned out. I got addicted again, told myself all kinds of things to justify my actions, we got physical, and he ended up ghosting me again. And during all of this, I conveniently ignored my own part in the affair because I was the one who got hurt in this situation. It was all about me.

Growth and change is not an easy or quick path but is worth the hard work. Good luck.

Oh yes! The day after this came to my head immediately. I want to the chance to do this to him. I’m letting that go not because I’m so mature and am above that if I’m honest. But because I truly don’t want to be where it led you to—emotional turmoil.
 

That’s why I’ve said I have no desire to have affair. This whole thing has been really icky on my emotional state, and I hate it. I have to be strong and have self worth moving forward. I know exactly what would happen if it were to flare up again. I’d be right where I am now, but even more broken because I should have learned. No thank you. I’ll pass.
 

Does the thought of him still tempt me? Yes. Do I have the strength to not do this ever again? I believe I do, especially with help from psych and tools told to me. Plus, even though everyone says they usually come back, he might not due to pride And truly not wanting to go there like he said. He stopped it all. He said he was uncomfortable with it. He shut it down. I’m the one who was sad and more on the pathetic side, but I have come to see this as a very hard favor he did for the both of us. 

[Crazelnut]

Some volunteer "counselor" isn't going to be of much use to you in dealing with this, especially if it's a faith-based thing. Just my experience. You need to find a licensed therapist that is covered by your insurance and go. 

[Imgoodimfine]

9 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Some volunteer "counselor" isn't going to be of much use to you in dealing with this, especially if it's a faith-based thing. Just my experience. You need to find a licensed therapist that is covered by your insurance and go. 

Right. That was my point. It’s not faith based, but regardless, I agree. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe his wife got wind of something, and he put the brakes on it before she figured out what was going on, OP. 

I don't necessarily mean she knows he was being inappropriate with you, but perhaps she her intuition was telling her that his mind was somewhere else, with someone else, that he was distracted. Maybe she questioned him about it and he got spooked at put the kibosh on it with you; sometimes people like him wait until the spouse's suspicions fade and then they start behaving badly again. It could simply be that he doesn't actually intend to stop all of this forever, but maybe wants the water to settle before testing them again with you. Just a theory. Or, it might really be his conscience talking to him and telling him to stop but his ego still wanting that validation from you. 

Whatever the case, he needs to stay out of your life. You mentioned you don't communicate "by number", so I am guessing you two were emailing or using some other app to talk? Or was this all phone calls? Hopefully you have blocked him on every platform. Have you done so? That's the best way to avoid sliding back into temptation. 

Also, as the others have already suggested, do not share any further details about this with random people who know you in real life, church-goers or otherwise. Keep it between you and a therapist bound by confidentiality laws - unless you don't mind your husband one day getting wind of this from anyone but you. It's just not a good idea, however trustworthy you think these women might be. 

A therapist with experience in these issues can help you figure out why you were willing to risk your marriage, why you gave yourself permission to start wandering down this path and how to put yourself and your marriage back together. 

[lifeoflies]

Looks like the guy got scared. Perhaps he was able to think clearly about what he was risking. Also, he may have backed off to see if you’d take is “noble” gesture seriously. If he really felt something serious about you he would have gone for it. I don’t think most of us are really “noble”.