blueletters Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 (edited) Hello folks, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this. A mutual friend and I (f) have been texting during the pandemic. Sometimes he'll be really engaged, other times he'll take days to reply back or the guy will be MIA for weeks. This is one of those times. Usually I'd take it as a sign of clear disinterest. However, because of the pandemic and him dealing with loss some time ago I don't know what to make of this situation. I know that he was interested in me at some point, a story that includes him asking me out just before this pandemic happened and me being utterly clueless when it comes to reading people so we didn't meet. FYI, We gel really well in person. So if there's potential, it's worth a shot. Thanks! Edited September 1, 2020 by blueletters
Wiseman2 Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 Is there no possibility of meeting in person? Some people just don't want text buddies. Someone who texts now and then here and there doesn't seem to be that interested in anything. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 Sex seems to be working for a friend of mine who is dating like crazy right now and making out with or having sex with everyone she meets. Nobody seems to care about the pandemic when sex is on the table, it seems. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 Based on the loss, which I am assuming is a death without all the comforting rituals, he may not be in a head space to date. Do try to meet up & talk in person. 1
Author blueletters Posted September 1, 2020 Author Posted September 1, 2020 12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Is there no possibility of meeting in person? Some people just don't want text buddies. Someone who texts now and then here and there doesn't seem to be that interested in anything. It's tricky. Whilst some folks are meeting, we've been advised to stay home and only go out when necessary. He hasn't suggested meeting up again anyhow. He's been MIA for a while now. 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Based on the loss, which I am assuming is a death without all the comforting rituals, he may not be in a head space to date. Do try to meet up & talk in person. Yeah, you're probably right as a relative died. Whilst some folks are meeting, we've been advised to stay home and only go out when necessary. Besides he hasn't suggested meeting up again anyhow or kept in touch recently. Thanks for your replies. It's helpful!
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 Can you reach out & suggest the two of you go for a walk with masks or something else low key? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 If he's been really missing in action, then that's a red flag for me. Reach out to him once more ... and then leave him alone. Don't worry if you think you missed his show of interest earlier. Look, a lot of times if you can't read someone's show of interest, then there was a disconnect going on. It's easier to pick up someone's interest when we're interested and when the topics become more revealing and flirty. Maybe you guys weren't very flirty ... so your mind wasn't primed or ready for his show of interest. It's also possible that you just aren't that interested in him, and then you realized he might have been hitting on you and now you think, "well gee, I could be interested." Just me ... but every time I missed someone's alleged interest, things just never worked out when I reached out. I once had a close friend tell me X is so interested in you. My friend was close to lady X as well as to me. Well, I asked out Lady X for breakfast and another meeting ... nothing! ... flat ... no energy. She's great to talk to as a friend ... The romantic thing wasn't there. 1
Author blueletters Posted September 1, 2020 Author Posted September 1, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Can you reach out & suggest the two of you go for a walk with masks or something else low key? I'm hesitant to reach out with such a straightforward suggestion. I feel like I've reached out too much in the beginning to make sure that he knows I'm keen. 20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: If he's been really missing in action, then that's a red flag for me. Reach out to him once more ... and then leave him alone. Don't worry if you think you missed his show of interest earlier. Look, a lot of times if you can't read someone's show of interest, then there was a disconnect going on. It's easier to pick up someone's interest when we're interested and when the topics become more revealing and flirty. Maybe you guys weren't very flirty ... so your mind wasn't primed or ready for his show of interest. It's also possible that you just aren't that interested in him, and then you realized he might have been hitting on you and now you think, "well gee, I could be interested." Just me ... but every time I missed someone's alleged interest, things just never worked out when I reached out. I once had a close friend tell me X is so interested in you. My friend was close to lady X as well as to me. Well, I asked out Lady X for breakfast and another meeting ... nothing! ... flat ... no energy. She's great to talk to as a friend ... The romantic thing wasn't there. I am interested in getting to know him better, for sure. Then, see where it leads. At the time, I was taken by surprise since we've been mutual friends for a while and he hadn't made a move before. We click really well in person. I feel like I've reached out too much in the beginning to make sure that he knows I'm keen. I wouldn't even know how to reach out any more. Any suggestions? There was one moment where he was a bit vulnerable and I kind of blew it. That's when he started to disengage, yet remain polite. To pile on, he had to deal with loss which is devastating for some. Edited September 1, 2020 by blueletters 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 On 9/1/2020 at 12:49 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Sex seems to be working for a friend of mine who is dating like crazy right now and making out with or having sex with everyone she meets. Nobody seems to care about the pandemic when sex is on the table, it seems. Well, duh. Most of us guys can't turn down a bit of fun if it's on the table! 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 11 hours ago, blueletters said: I'm hesitant to reach out with such a straightforward suggestion. I feel like I've reached out too much in the beginning to make sure that he knows I'm keen. I am interested in getting to know him better, for sure. Then, see where it leads. At the time, I was taken by surprise since we've been mutual friends for a while and he hadn't made a move before. We click really well in person. I feel like I've reached out too much in the beginning to make sure that he knows I'm keen. I wouldn't even know how to reach out any more. Any suggestions? There was one moment where he was a bit vulnerable and I kind of blew it. That's when he started to disengage, yet remain polite. To pile on, he had to deal with loss which is devastating for some. It doesn't seem pandemic related. It seems he has too much going on and doesn't want what you want.
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 15 hours ago, blueletters said: I'm hesitant to reach out with such a straightforward suggestion. I feel like I've reached out too much in the beginning to make sure that he knows I'm keen. Why? Straightforward solves more problems then it creates. You are asking him to go for a walk not get married. It's a low key touch point of contact not a declaration of your undying love. It also doesn't make you clingy. Being assertive in what you want is not clingy. It's being proactive. Clingy is not being able to accept lack of interest on the other person's part or needing a 24/7 connection. One walk is hardly telegraphing insecurity on your part but your reluctance to reach out in the face of his loved one's death to offer comfort tells me you might have a self confidence problem. 1
Author blueletters Posted September 2, 2020 Author Posted September 2, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It doesn't seem pandemic related. It seems he has too much going on and doesn't want what you want. It certainly seems that way and usually I'd let it go. But he asked me out before, so my brain believes that I still have a shot. IDK. 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Why? Straightforward solves more problems then it creates. You are asking him to go for a walk not get married. It's a low key touch point of contact not a declaration of your undying love. It also doesn't make you clingy. Being assertive in what you want is not clingy. It's being proactive. Clingy is not being able to accept lack of interest on the other person's part or needing a 24/7 connection. One walk is hardly telegraphing insecurity on your part but your reluctance to reach out in the face of his loved one's death to offer comfort tells me you might have a self confidence problem. You nailed it! My self-confidence when connected to guys I'm interested in tends to be low. I'm scared that I have messed up or that I will do so. Thanks, guys! Edited September 2, 2020 by blueletters
Lotsgoingon Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 A moment when he was vulnerable and you blew it---no, things don't work like that. For one, if he only got vulnerable for a moment, then he's not really reaching out to you. You either get vulnerable or not and you want someone who can own getting vulnerable---not someone who quickly sneaks in a moment. Two if you missed it, then you two are on the same wavelength. Missing this moment isn't a sign that you blew something--more likely, it's a sign that you two don't really communicate the way a romantic couple (or a couple on the way to romance) needs to communicate. Rarely do relationships rise or fall on ONE MOMENT. If you connect, you connect ... connecting will happen with the right person without anyone being perfect. I'm thinking you're inventing this possible romantic thing in your head. I've done that. But you don't have to. A romantic connection has to be strong. The fact that you "missed" a signal means the connection is NOT strong. So it won't go anywhere. Relax and move on. 2
alphamale Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 make him a nice tender pot roast with veggies
Author blueletters Posted September 4, 2020 Author Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: A moment when he was vulnerable and you blew it---no, things don't work like that. For one, if he only got vulnerable for a moment, then he's not really reaching out to you. You either get vulnerable or not and you want someone who can own getting vulnerable---not someone who quickly sneaks in a moment. Two if you missed it, then you two are on the same wavelength. Missing this moment isn't a sign that you blew something--more likely, it's a sign that you two don't really communicate the way a romantic couple (or a couple on the way to romance) needs to communicate. Rarely do relationships rise or fall on ONE MOMENT. If you connect, you connect ... connecting will happen with the right person without anyone being perfect. I'm thinking you're inventing this possible romantic thing in your head. I've done that. But you don't have to. A romantic connection has to be strong. The fact that you "missed" a signal means the connection is NOT strong. So it won't go anywhere. Relax and move on. I appreciate your straight-forward reply! To clarify a few things, we're acquaintances that see each other occasionally as we have mutual friends. We really connect well in person and whenever we've met he's approached me, singled me out. Anyhow, when he asked for my number to hang out, I was taken by surprise that he was interested in me and my immediate response: playing it way too cool. I tend to do that with men, especially ones I find interesting. Something about protecting myself. To be honest, I struggle with vulnerability, including male vulnerability for that matter, as it's difficult for me to openly speak about deep feelings. Writing things down, like in this forum, helps. Has to do with my childhood where I barely received any genuine compliments and support in how I was doing. Despite that I love my parents, they are wonderful! Moving along, he shared some of the stuff that he was working on. He's pretty talented so I complimented him but then I left it at that instead of showing more interest. However, when I mentioned that I blew it, it's because at one point he revealed that something he'd done could've gone totally wrong. At the time I didn't get why. So, instead of showing support or compassion, I dismissed his feelings by solely focusing on understanding the 'why'. That's when everything shifted, he withdrew and engagement / communication slowed down drastically to politeness. I feel like I was given an opportunity to get to know him better and didn't know how to seize it properly. Funny enough, I don't generally text with others merely to chit-chat and get to know them better. In this case, I was giving it a go. How can you connect / get to know someone through text? IDK. Really feels good to share this with y'all! Edited September 4, 2020 by blueletters
Lotsgoingon Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 So the missed moment sounds like a response you could have made to a friend, not just to a potential romantic partner. In other words, you don't need to look at this as missed romance. Look at it as something didn't quite work about what you said. You can learn a lot about this encounter. When people share something sensitive with us, it's important to respond in the right away. And it's easy NOT to respond in the right way. The right way, the safest way, is simply to ask a follow question to make sure you know what the person is talking about, what they are saying. Often people have their explicit words but if you add up the words and the context, they're actually saying something quite powerful beyond the specific words. Sometimes when people ask us, "What do you think?"... they don't want an answer of "yes I agree" or "no, that sounds dumb." They often just want some interest. "Wow, that's great that you found someone you really like." And again, put the question back to them, to make sure you're on the right wavelength. "So this is important to you?" ..."are you trying to do x or trying to do y." Again,, this happens all the time--this kind of miscommunication. I have a close friend who just does not get when I'm sharing something important or sensitive. Great guy, he's just not good at conversation ... and responding to others ... he has a file full of responses to various situations but he can't really apply any thinking in the moment to see how what I'm saying isn't X or Y ... but a combination of XY+ A. I would say 80 percent of the time he doesn't get me when I'm revealing something. On the other hand, I have great friends who if I put out a revealing statement will go into high listening and curiosity mode. They'll paraphrase what I said to make sure they're on the right wavelength. They'll acknowledge that the situation I'm describing or the feeling I'm describing is understandable given the context. So this is a great time to just bone up on the listening-curiosity-open-minded side of conversations. 1
Author blueletters Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: So the missed moment sounds like a response you could have made to a friend, not just to a potential romantic partner. In other words, you don't need to look at this as missed romance. Look at it as something didn't quite work about what you said. You can learn a lot about this encounter. When people share something sensitive with us, it's important to respond in the right away. And it's easy NOT to respond in the right way. The right way, the safest way, is simply to ask a follow question to make sure you know what the person is talking about, what they are saying. Often people have their explicit words but if you add up the words and the context, they're actually saying something quite powerful beyond the specific words. Sometimes when people ask us, "What do you think?"... they don't want an answer of "yes I agree" or "no, that sounds dumb." They often just want some interest. "Wow, that's great that you found someone you really like." And again, put the question back to them, to make sure you're on the right wavelength. "So this is important to you?" ..."are you trying to do x or trying to do y." Again,, this happens all the time--this kind of miscommunication. I have a close friend who just does not get when I'm sharing something important or sensitive. Great guy, he's just not good at conversation ... and responding to others ... he has a file full of responses to various situations but he can't really apply any thinking in the moment to see how what I'm saying isn't X or Y ... but a combination of XY+ A. I would say 80 percent of the time he doesn't get me when I'm revealing something. On the other hand, I have great friends who if I put out a revealing statement will go into high listening and curiosity mode. They'll paraphrase what I said to make sure they're on the right wavelength. They'll acknowledge that the situation I'm describing or the feeling I'm describing is understandable given the context. So this is a great time to just bone up on the listening-curiosity-open-minded side of conversations. Definitely! In person, I would've have most likely asked him follow up questions - that's what I generally do anyway. But texting isn't my game so to speak, don't know how to approach it. Maybe this is wishful thinking, but I feel like I still have a shot somehow. Call it intuition? IDK. I also feel like, if we had hung out in person the outcome would've been different. How do you recover form this one crappy mishap, how do you turn this around without being the pursuer? He's not the type to be continuously connected to social media or his phone and amongst friends he's known to be MIA quite often. Anyway, Lotsgoingon, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply back and all that!
Lotsgoingon Posted September 7, 2020 Posted September 7, 2020 Known among friends to be MIA--another red flag right there. Unless he is an artist or writer who deliberately isolates himself to work on a major project, the MIA thing is a red flag. Whenever I've been someone considered MIA, it meant my life was a mess, that I was feeling overwhelmed or depressed. And in those periods, I was not at a place where I could date. I was barely taking care of myself, barely relating to myself---no way did I have the energy to relate to another on an intimate and consistent basis. How people interact with friends is a major sign of how they will interact with us as romantic partners. It's very tempting and very dangerous to go down the road of saying, "Oh, but he'll be different with me." That line of thinking can be narcissistic. Oh, I'm so special, that the problems he has with others won't show up as problems with me. I'll cure him of that. So relax. You don't have to worry so much or work so hard if you have a real connection with someone. 1
Author blueletters Posted September 7, 2020 Author Posted September 7, 2020 That's the thing, in person our connection is effortless. No need to force polite conversation and all that. Yeah, I get what you're saying with someone being MIA. That'd be me. In this case, what I was suggesting is that he's regularly MIA with friends too, despite having an active life. I feel it's all about moving towards that which feels good. Therefore, you prioritise that regardless of whether you're frequently MIA or not. Also, you move towards those who "get" you. Really understand you. That stuff builds connections. Anyhow, at some point I was up the ladder and now I'm down the ladder. It's okay. Seeking clarity to learn more about myself. As per usual, I appreciate your insight! Off to enjoy this beautiful day! Have a nice day yourself 1
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