Is it just me. or do others have this too?

[Alspac]

Hey! All new to this..but I want somewhere to vent and maybe see IF I am then only 1 who feels like this..or maybe get some answers from others who have maybe been through this or not.

I have been with my husband for 21years, married 13years.

So.. first up, he is and has been my 1 and only. I've known nothing else in relationships besides what we have shared together. Yes, we have been through the honeymoon phase, been through the dry spell and now.. back into a fairly active love life (so I thought.)

Not sure if this may be TMI for some.. but yes, as a young couple we had watched an occasion porn video/DVD. This was all before it became so accessible online🤦‍♀️ anyways.. through our ups and downs I will admit I closed off for a bit. But I'm talking years ago! And I felt like Stella and I got my groove back.. became even more adventurous than I 1st was! And really doing my best trying to accept the new things he wanted to try. We have always been more than vanilla in our relationship.

So anyways.. 1 night things changed a bit. I woke to the sounds of people having sex! And I realised it was his phone! I woke him and he near fell out of bed when he realised and trying to shut it off! This opened up a can of worms which I found out he had been openly watching porn alone to "do what he needed" alone. And from this we spoke about it and how i felt uncomfortable etc so he agreed no more. Then couple years ago we were on a family holiday and me (100% innocent in not knowing) asked him what Twitter was-as I noticed it on his fone as an app. I had asked previously buy he simply ignored me asking. So this time when I asked he simply said "you wont like it!" And he then clicked on it to show me..

He was following close to 300 pages/profiles/people that was nothing but PORN! I actually felt my heart break, my gut churn and I went numb. Our family holiday was killed right then in a split second. For the rest of the time we only spoke if we needed to.. there was just too much to take in and not the place to be doing it.

So once we were home, and he was at work.. we gradully opened up about how I felt about it, no exact reason/answer why he had it and so much of it. But also found out he had added people of snapchat for porn reasons also. And I said well to me that was 100% wrong as that was just too personal to do using snapchat!

So again we spoke about making changes, us maybe sharing in porn to help cover his "need" (if that's what u call it) and to bo longer hide s*** from each other! This I felt brought us a little closer once again in our relationship.

But fast forward now to 2020.. I realise things these days are alot easier to access. He previously shut down his Twitter account (back of my head I know he could still access if he wanted) but to mention probably other sites aswell. But lately.. I have been picking up on things and I think it's all happening again. I noticed he still has someone named 'big boobs' in his snapchat and it isn't me! And then find 2 women on his Instagram account who are strangers. It got the best of me and I set up an account and added these 2 women.. within like 3 msgs of saying hello they were onto sending $/gift cards for nudes etc..so I deleted them instantly. He noticed me looking through my Instagram account the other night.. randomly started saying things about -he hardly uses it, doesn't know how to really use it and how he may get a random wanting to add him as a friend. So I went along with what he was saying and didn't comment much.. it was while talking to me he then deleted the 1 woman who came straight out talking about nudes to me from his insta account.

So to me.. that was something suss there! And now I just do not know where to go from here🤷‍♀️ I really want to front him and ask.. but I'm sick of coming across like the whingy naggy jealous wife. But same time.. I cant shake how I feel, and that why does he keep going back to this?
Are all males like this? Is it something we just have to accept? Something that wont change? Coz I dont know how long I can go on with trying to ignore it and feeling like I wont even be good enough or be what he wants/needs.

[basil67]

I suspect you are a fellow Aussie.  Am I right? Welcome to the board.

I think it's great that the two of worked on your issues and came to some type of agreement where he could meet his needs when you weren't able to.  HOWEVER it's not OK for him to be doing so much of this behind your back, especially when you had no reason to believe you weren't meeting his needs.   Even more so if he's paying for services.   When a couple drift apart and try to come together again, it need commitment from both parties.

My advice in tackling this is to discuss it with him, using language which doesn't involve blame.   Talk about how you're feeling with your discovery and how you had believed that you'd been meeting his needs.   Talk about how you recognise that you'd discussed having porn to fill in some gaps, but you didn't realise how big the gaps were.    I'd be interested to see what he responds with.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately your husband has an entire sex life outside of you. It may only be virtual with porn etc, but it doesn't include you.

You are playing whack a mole trying to figure out his extracurricular activities.

It's nonsense to track him around all these sites and catfishing on them.

The best thing you can do is first of all get to a doctor for STD testing. It may be virtual, it may be just the tip of the iceberg.

Your next step is to check all your credit scores credit cards accounts etc for unexplained expenses. He may be spending money on pay for sex either virtually or in person.

Stop going through his phone, catfishing or playing cool wife. You need to know if you should continue sexual relations with someone who may or may not be having extramarital sex.

Get professional help and do not discuss that with him. Make sure you check your finances and STDs.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

@Wiseman2 you just blew me out of the water.  Good advice

 

[Alspac]

Thankyou! Yes I'm a 'down under' Aussie 😊 

Theres nothing suspect on our bank records..the only thing I cannot see is when PayPal is used as it just says PayPal. Which I know alot is Ebay purchases. 

He has said in our previous times that males are just visual so that's why they are always looking. I've said what if I was to have all this on my phone? And he said that it wouldn't worry him. 

I really like the approaching without including blame.. but I'm just kinda stuck on how to. I know I will no doubt be faced with him getting cranky about it. He has not long recently unfriended a female on his Facebook. She has been a long time family friend to his family. But I have never been able to take to her..and the last 4months she has driven me up the wall. Both my partner and I have had arguments over fb with her, she has disregarded us because we havnt been to university etc.. and just alot of difference in opinions sparked to debates. She would message him, 'reminisce' with him, tell him how she has kept letters from him, bla bla. She would message him asking the dumbest questions.. I guess to start conversation with him. (Asking him how to fix a trampoline?!) We live about 20hours away in a different state, buy she has a husband and family with her she could ask? 

During the very heated disagreements between us over fb, he contacted her sister and asked why was she so adamant about getting her point across? And he told her that I said he  needed to delete her but he couldn't because they been friends for so long. - I never actually said that to him. So I did get a bit nasty on the odd occasion and I would make remarks about her and things she would post. But I cracked it when she would constantly Love all his posts and then make remarks like: oh you have such a cheeky grin.. and what not. But I noticed a couple weeks ago she is not on his friends list anymore🤷‍♀️ (I cannot see his friend list) yet I know that doesnt stop then messaging. And she has gone so quiet on fb..wont even like or comment on my stuff I tag him in -which she used to alot! But after that long story.. I dont know how I can open this can of worms following that. And I guess I have some fear and worry of not knowing what will happen. 

 

And I also don't have access to his phone, I just happened to see the name come up in snapchat while he was scrolling through his contacts showing me something. I did ask him then and there who was big boobs? And he said there wasnt anyone on his list named that?! So I just let it go coz he obviously buggerd up with me seeing what I shouldn't have.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Alspac

[Wiseman2]

Ok. You are throwing pornography marriage conflicts social media into a blender and coming up with this argument shake.

First of all stop policing his social media. Secondly, stop telling him who he can and can't talk to because you don't like them.

Reset all your social media and delete and block all the dead weight. Then reset your privacy settings to only allow certain people to view your content.

Then learn to communicate in person and calmly about your marriage. If this is about he views stuff to masturbate to, that's one thing and that you can just leave alone.

If this is about fears of infidelities or a rotting sex life, rather than catfishing, make an appointment with a marital therapist.

If this is about jealousy or insecurities, talk to your own therapist to unpack and sort that out.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Alspac said:

Are all males like this? Is it something we just have to accept? Something that wont change? Coz I dont know how long I can go on with trying to ignore it and feeling like I wont even be good enough or be what he wants/needs.

Not all males are like this. I'm what might be classified as a high drive male. In addition to regular sex with my wife (averaging about 2x/week) I also use porn, or simply fantasize. So, I'm not "all over my wife" more or less daily, which in her specific case would be too much for her. It can sometimes be difficult for a male and female to match up libidinally, so some flexibility is called for (on both sides). I think you show a very reasonable amount of flexibility, certainly compared to some women.

However, I would note that I don't follow any specific SM sexy pic girls whatsoever.

There is a genuine qualitative difference IMO between watching random porn videos and following specific people on social media, as you describe. He may not see it as much different, but you do. To you, this violates a boundary due to the specificity of the other female (I would guess) and perhaps other reasons too.

Generally, as a partner, you get to define the boundaries within a relationship. If they are TOO restrictive, it might not work and the partner leaves (unlikely in a LT marriage IMO) or employs some subterfuge (as he has done with the online following stuff).

So in that sense it appears this is too restrictive for him. BUT there are some things you could try.

One thing would be a calm but also very sincere conversation to explain why this bothers you, why it's different from regular porn. Consider appealing to his sympathy. You're his wife, this makes you genuinely very upset, and feel hurt. Can't he just settle for regular, anonymous porn and/or fantasizing? Be sure to be able to fully pinpoint why it bothers you and emphasize that you're not out to curtail his "taking care of himself" just that this specific approach really makes you upset and unhappy. You feel it violates a boundary.

I think that approach has a decent chance of working. He may continue and just take it further underground, but he may stop the worst of what bothers you. He may stop it altogether.

Possibly you will think of some other approaches that might work or dovetail with the above suggestion. At any rate, I would suggest you don't make it about curtailing masturbation altogether as that may indeed make him feel like he's unable to meet his needs, unless you really are up for sex more or less daily, which I would guess is his preferred libido/orgasm frequency.

Edited September 2, 2020 by mark clemson

[spiderowl]

I feel for you, OP.  It's not so much the porn but his secretiveness.  I guess this may be explained by your disapproval but you have been more than accommodating really.

It looks like your husband is effectively leading a double life.  He is married to you and you and he have marital relations - which you make every effort to make interesting for him - and he is also looking at porn, messaging other women and presumably getting involved in flirty conversations where they send him nude pics.

I am not surprised you are uneasy at all this.  Some men do seem to be able to lead totally double lives.  To be honest, where I've heard about friends' experiences with their partners who have been leading double lives, it has not been good news.  In one instance, the guy was looking at violent porn as well as behaving increasingly violently at home.  She did not find out about her partners 'proclivities' towards sadism until he had been arrested for beating her and her daughter.  In another case, the guy was stalking his ex.  He was really scaring her and making her life hell, whereas when questioned by friends of both who were trying to stop him from doing this, he blamed her for her behaviour and seemed totally oblivious to his own stalking behaviour!  I think what would worry me about the situation you are in is, how well do I really know my husband?  He does not seem to be a normal guy being a bit naughty and looking at porn on the side, he seems pretty obsessed.

You could try relationship counselling if your husband was willing.  This would bring issues out into the open and a skilled counsellor could help you and your partner to see the effect this is having on you both.  I guess you have three choices: (1) ignore it because it looks as though it is going to carry on; (2) go to counselling to see if things can be resolved; and (3) separate and find someone who appreciates you and is not obsessed with porn.

Edited September 19, 2020 by spiderowl