I feel like an idiot

[Ifeeldumb87]

Hey everyone, I needed some advice, a pep talk, a smack round the head who knows at this point.

in march I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I say I, to this day I have no idea if I broke up with him or if he broke up with me.

I was struggling, I have anxiety and because he used to too, and numerous family members of him do I guess I thought he understood. But as time went on the reassurance stopped, considering me at all seemed to stop. He agreed to go out of the country on holiday on our anniversary, that one stung. I didn’t feel included in his life anymore. Then came the last talk. I was feeling very neglected and alone. His friends organised an online quiz during lockdown for them and their girlfriends. The ex told me about it a week or so before but didn’t ask if I wanted to take part. That night he wasn’t around for the whole night and when he finally messaged me I was hurt. They’d all been doing this quiz and no one felt the need to ask me. 
i communicated this with him and he basically said he’d invited me. He hadn’t and felt mentioning it was the same, and I was at fault for not magically knowing. I was so frustrated and annoyed I just told him to leave me alone. 
 

4 weeks passed in silence, I kinda hoped he would be sorry, maybe understand more but nope. Then I logged into Facebook and saw his status had changed to single.

i had started a diary, kinda of what I wanted to say to him but couldn’t say. So I told him. He told me his head was a mess, and he didn’t hate me.  That was 2 months ago. Yesterday it was his birthday so I sent a card. He thanked me for the card. Then I woke up to reality. 
 

id asked him to wait for me months ago. Please let me work on me a little and please work on you so that you can understand. He is my best friend and I am his. But this morning I realised he isn’t waiting for me, I’ve been hoping like an idiot for months that he was. Now I’m heartbroken all over again.

 

i am such an idiot. I have never been in this position before. When something is done, it’s done. I genuinely didn’t think this was done until today. Now I just feel so dumb 🥺

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Ifeeldumb87 said:

Hey everyone, I needed some advice, a pep talk, a smack round the head who knows at this point.

in march I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I say I, to this day I have no idea if I broke up with him or if he broke up with me.

I was struggling, I have anxiety and because he used to too, and numerous family members of him do I guess I thought he understood. But as time went on the reassurance stopped, considering me at all seemed to stop. He agreed to go out of the country on holiday on our anniversary, that one stung. I didn’t feel included in his life anymore. Then came the last talk. I was feeling very neglected and alone. His friends organised an online quiz during lockdown for them and their girlfriends. The ex told me about it a week or so before but didn’t ask if I wanted to take part. That night he wasn’t around for the whole night and when he finally messaged me I was hurt. They’d all been doing this quiz and no one felt the need to ask me. 
i communicated this with him and he basically said he’d invited me. He hadn’t and felt mentioning it was the same, and I was at fault for not magically knowing. I was so frustrated and annoyed I just told him to leave me alone. 
 

4 weeks passed in silence, I kinda hoped he would be sorry, maybe understand more but nope. Then I logged into Facebook and saw his status had changed to single.

i had started a diary, kinda of what I wanted to say to him but couldn’t say. So I told him. He told me his head was a mess, and he didn’t hate me.  That was 2 months ago. Yesterday it was his birthday so I sent a card. He thanked me for the card. Then I woke up to reality. 
 

id asked him to wait for me months ago. Please let me work on me a little and please work on you so that you can understand. He is my best friend and I am his. But this morning I realised he isn’t waiting for me, I’ve been hoping like an idiot for months that he was. Now I’m heartbroken all over again.

 

i am such an idiot. I have never been in this position before. When something is done, it’s done. I genuinely didn’t think this was done until today. Now I just feel so dumb 🥺

Sorry to hear that. You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He's not your best friend. Stop contacting him. Do not post stuff about your breakup on social media. Instead talk to trusted friends and family, stay busy with your work/school and interests.

[Ifeeldumb87]

I deleted his number so I couldn’t contact him, as clearly he needed space or didn’t want to speak. Same went for Facebook, I unfriended him and because I did that he felt the need to block me so that’s sorted. 
it seems totally insane to me. When I met him I was extremely independent, I didn’t need him I wanted him. He continuously told me over the years to rely on him, and when I have it’s just done.

 

ive spent my last few months with doctors getting medicated to help my anxiety, and at the gym and with friends so I am working on me. I guess I just thought there would be a light eventually and now I realise there isn’t

[d0nnivain]

You are not dumb but you do have some unrealistic expectations.  

If you suffer from a medical condition like anxiety or depression, get professional help from a trained medical provider.  Do not expect a SO to reassure you.  That is not their job.  Of course we want our SOs to support us but they should not be the primary source of support.  You need to be your own strength & with things like anxiety & depression (I have both), you have to find ways to over come without relying solely on outside forces.  

Yes, after 2 years together you should have known that him mentioning the lockdown quiz was him presuming you would join.  Early on, the Q needs to be asked -- would you like to come? -- but 1+ years in, affirmative statements about an activity are more presumed to be confirmation of joint participation.  Imagine how hurt he was because he thought you blew him off in front of his friends? 

Asking somebody to wait for you while you sort yourself out is unrealistic & selfish.  Either stay together & fix yourself simultaneously or set them free.  "Space" in a relationship makes things worse, as you have found because he's holding himself out as single.  He is single.  You two went your separate ways. 

What do you want now?  If you want to get back together, you have a lot of apologizing to do.  I wouldn't attempt reconciliation unless you have your anxiety under control & have a plan to deal with it, that doesn't involve him.  If you are well & truly done, disconnect on social media.  Grieve the loss of the relationship.  Learn any lessons it was meant to teach you & move forward.  

I hope you find your own inner strength.  It is in there.