Marie87 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 Last night I finally told my husband I wanted to separate and potentially divorce. I finally gathered the courage to do this after he's cheated on my twice and continuously lies about abusing RX drugs behind my back. I'm no perfect wife by any means but after his infidelity came to light and me punishing him for quite some time we moved past the infidelity. I changed my attitude and how I treated him out of respect for him and wanting to move forward in our relationship, we were 3 years past the infidelity and I was just starting to feel like a 'regular' couple again. I'm typically a very private person so many of my friends envision us as the perfect couple but this year after a friend of mine divorced after a 25 year marriage I started letting my closest circle know that not everything is what it appears to be in my life and that I didn't deserve to be placed up on a pedestal. I am the protector of my family and I didn't want to have anyone thinking differently of my husband for his mistakes so I kept his 2 affairs private for more than 3 years (and still have not said one word about it to any of my family). Within the last few months he started using an RX drug occasionally, but occasionally has turned into a few times a week. Recently I noticed a change in his demeanor and trustworthiness. I thought he was having an affair again (although I can't imagine where he'd find the time), he fessed up that he was buying RX meds from someone to help him focus for work as he works 12-14 hour days. Once I learned about this I told him this wasn't ok. There are so many repercussions of him taking this medication & if he went behind my back again and I found out I was done. Well last night I could tell he wasn't himself. I called him out and he immediately confessed and I said I was through. I'm in a predicament as I am 18 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child, and we also have my son in the home and my husband has been his father figure for the past 10 years. I have no dependable family to count on and I know I do not make near enough money to support myself and three children. I feel in my heart it's time to walk away for good but I want to do this in a way where I don't hurt my children or put myself under extra stress in my condition. I thought the best option would be to start with a separation but live at the same home as he is willing to continue to keep supporting us and helping with getting our kids to school in the mornings. I'm gone two days a week working 14 hour overnight shifts so I figure he can have our room then but stay in our daughters room the other 5 days. I feel guilty for asking him to leave the other 5 days a week when our rent is as high as it is. Has anyone started out a separation/divorce like this? The thing that F***s with me the most is that he called me at 6 a.m. just this morning to act like it was any other day. He asked how the 1st part of my shift went and asked if he could bring me breakfast. This made me feel like a pushover (from all the previous chances I have given him), how could he have the audacity to pretend that I didn't ask for the separation and vent my concerns only 9 hours before? He pretends as though I haven't voiced my concerns, he constantly justifies his actions, has no empathy for the emotional distress he inflicts, and shows no remorse. I cannot understand why he wants to stay with me. Why can't he take his toxic lifestyle elsewhere and stop bring me down. I'm 33 about to have my 3rd child and I don't want to continue wasting my time with someone that is set in their ways. What am I to do to not get sucked back into this cycle? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 57 minutes ago, Marie87 said: continuously lies about abusing RX drugs behind my back. I thought the best option would be to start with a separation but live at the same home as he is willing to continue to keep supporting us and helping with getting our kids to school in the mornings. What am I to do to not get sucked back into this cycle? Unfortunately you need to consult an attorney privately and confidentially. At this point it's just another empty threat and he knows it because you are living together as a married couple. It's unclear why you would leave your children with someone who is abusing prescription medication. Until you talk to an attorney, you have never left the cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 1 hour ago, Marie87 said: I cannot understand why he wants to stay with me Who else would put up with him?... and he has kids and no doubt quite a cosy lifestyle with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marie87 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 (edited) @Wiseman2 I am looking into filing online instead of going through an attorney until we're ready to settle. I have such an outlandish schedule and not that I'm try to excuse his actions I'm not an entirely wholesome person. My son is 16 so pretty much leads his own life...I just don't want him to see or suffer the effects of my husband and my conflict so I keep all confrontation behind closed doors and pretend everything is ok. My other child is away once a week at my husband's parents bc they are very loving grandparents so fortunately she wasn't there last night. I come from a very dysfunctional background/family and was the one that got out ok without suffering an addiction (I have 2 siblings and one known parent) so that's most likely the reason I've been so tolerable because that was the way I was brought up. Your point is valid but I'm trying to take steps in the best way possible. Edited September 2, 2020 by Marie87 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 (edited) Attorneys are for advice, filing papers can be done, but you need to know what you are getting into. Also remaining in the same house solves nothing. He's not going to stop abusing drugs or cheating because he gets some DYI papers. He stays with you because you enable his drug use and condone (tolerate) his cheating. Edited September 2, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marie87 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 @Wiseman2 Harsh but thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, Marie87 said: Harsh but thanks for the advice. An attorney is your ally, someone who can go over your options, point by point including finances, division of assets, insurance policies, child support/custody etc. Filing papers is often the last step not the first. First you want to know what all the possibilities and what the "first steps" should actually be.. Also whatever you discuss with an attorney is confidential. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 I agree with everybody who says to get an attorney. Filing alone or with a mediator is okay if you can guarantee things can be amicable or that the divorce will be very easy in regards to child support, custody, division of marital assets, etc. If you still wish to file without any lawyers involved become very well-versed on divorce law literature in your state. Sometimes this and all the required forms are available for free online through your county courthouse's website. Also be prepared as things get more and more serious as the divorce progresses, especially while you are still living together, for passive aggressive or retaliating behavior. The reason why he is acting like nothing is wrong is because in his mind, he may be thinking this whole divorce talk will pass because he was able to get away with the affairs without a divorce. For many marriages infidelity is a deal breaker so in his distorted mind he might be thinking your feelings towards the drug use will blow over since you gave him extra chances after his affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted September 13, 2020 Share Posted September 13, 2020 On 9/2/2020 at 9:58 AM, Marie87 said: The thing that F***s with me the most is that he called me at 6 a.m. just this morning to act like it was any other day. He asked how the 1st part of my shift went and asked if he could bring me breakfast. This made me feel like a pushover (from all the previous chances I have given him), how could he have the audacity to pretend that I didn't ask for the separation and vent my concerns only 9 hours before? He pretends as though I haven't voiced my concerns, he constantly justifies his actions, has no empathy for the emotional distress he inflicts, and shows no remorse. I cannot understand why he wants to stay with me. Why can't he take his toxic lifestyle elsewhere and stop bring me down. I'm 33 about to have my 3rd child and I don't want to continue wasting my time with someone that is set in their ways. What am I to do to not get sucked back into this cycle? In short, he's in denial about his problems, and he's trying to get you to accept it just a minor annoyance like not completely cleaning the sink after shaving or not putting away dishes. He's trying to normalize his behavior and wants you to accept it. He also might assume that you won't leave him because of your kids. I don't think you have a promising future together. I'd hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 Having a second child will make things much more difficult.. does he know you are pregnant and is it his? Link to post Share on other sites
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