What a predicament. Your thoughts appreciated

[Farmer Dylan]

Alright I’ll try to be brief here. 

The Background:
I’m turning 30 this year. There is a girl (I’ll call her B) who I’ve known her for over 8 years now. She turns 25 this year and we used to party together when I was in my early 20’s and she was in her teens. I’ve always been crazy about her, but when we first met I was in a long term relationship. Then by the time that relationship ended and I was single again, she was in a long term relationship. This has gone back and forth for 8 years so neither of us has been single at the same time but it’s become quite obvious whenever we cross paths that we a thing for each other. I broke up with my most recent long term girlfriend 2 months ago. B is currently with a guy she has been dating who she met on tinder 10 months ago.

Current Situation:
I called her up 6 weeks ago to hang out. We had a great time together swimming at the beach and her boyfriend showed up right before I left. When I went to leave, B took me around the corner and we gave each other a big kiss on the lips goodbye when the boyfriend was not looking. Interesting...

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I just bought a cottage (you may call it a cabin, camp, lake house, etc) on the water a ways north of the city. It’s a very cozy spot but it was in need of a thorough cleaning because the previous owners had left it dirty. So I called up B (who cleans houses for a living) and asked her if she would like to come up and clean the place for me and I’ll pay her. She agrees and comes up that weekend with cleaning supplies. I expected her to stay maybe two days and one night... she ends up staying four days and 3 nights. She slept in my bed with me all 3 nights. We cuddled, made out, and hooked up as far as second base. She wouldn’t have sex because she says she is still in love with her boyfriend. That aside it was an all around wonderful few days. I professed my love for her and told her that she could live here with me if she wants. She tells me it is her dream house. I drive her back to her apartment at the end of the weekend and as she’s walking in, I can hear her boyfriend screaming at her about why she has not been answering his calls. (They don’t live together but he had let himself in while she was gone). 

I drive back up to my cottage and all week she is texting me saying how she loves me and she misses me. I am messaging her the same. We are even texting semi nude photos to each other. I message her that I want her by my side in life and she responds that she is really considering it. She messages that I should stop by her place again for a visit when I’m on my way back to the city. 
I agreed and brought her roses. Before long we are making out in her apartment. She says her boyfriend and her are having some issues. She tells me that I have a really strong effect on her and she loves me. I take her out to dinner and we have a few glasses of wine and a passionate conversation. She says how we are glad she is that waited all these years because we are now more ready than ever for a life partnership. Afterwards we end up driving to a secluded parking lot and had passionate unprotected sex in the back of my truck. Mind=Blown. As I’m driving her back to her place she is telling me how she is going to have to break up with her boyfriend to be with me but she doesn’t want him to know that she cheated on him first and asked me to not tell anyone about it. I say fine. We make plans to see each other the next day and I drop her off home. I am on cloud nine as I go to sleep that night. The next day rolls around, I message her to meet up and I get this message as a reply:

“Hey bb... I know we love eachother but i need to see how things go with my bf now i love him and love being with him and i dont want to break up with him. I hope you can understand”

Ugh... not what I wanted to hear. 

Now I’m not the kind of guy who actively tries to hit on women who are already taken, but B is a special case and she has been sending me strong signals. I would have little remorse for the tinder guy if it came to her choosing me and breaking up with him. But I don’t want to put her into an uncomfortable situation and apply too much pressure or rush her. Her boyfriend probably doesn’t t know what happened between us and she is no doubt feeling some very conflicting emotions right now. 

Now I’m trying to think of the most tactful approach to take here. Should I just stop messaging her and act like nothing happened and see if she comes to me eventually? Should I keep reaching out with hopes of continuing to build on what we have going?
I’m not desperate but my goodness... I can feel that we would make a phenomenal team together and I would wife her 100%. I’m in love like I have not been in years. 

Anyone experienced anything like this before? 

Any advice or related experience at all is greatly appreciated. 

Bless

 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Farmer Dylan said:

I broke up with my most recent long term girlfriend 2 months ago. B is currently with a guy she has been dating who she met on tinder 10 months ago.

As I’m driving her back to her place she is telling me how she is going to have to break up with her boyfriend to be with me but she doesn’t want him to know that she cheated on him first and asked me to not tell anyone about it 

I message her to meet up and I get this message as a reply:
“Hey bb... I know we love eachother but i need to see how things go with my bf now i love him and love being with him and i dont want to break up with him. I hope you can understand”

Unfortunately sounds like she just wants to cheat on the guy. Lay back and maybe if/when she ends it, you could try again.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[mrs rubble]

Do you really want a partner who is willing to cheat on their boyfriend? If she can do it to him, she can do it to you.

[d0nnivain]

On 9/2/2020 at 12:24 PM, Farmer Dylan said:

 she ends up staying four days and 3 nights. She slept in my bed with me all 3 nights. We cuddled, made out, and hooked up as far as second base. She wouldn’t have sex because she says she is still in love with her boyfriend. 

She's a promiscuous liar.  If she actually loved her BF she would not have kissed you or climbed into your bed.  She's also a c*** tease.  

So now knowing her true nature get together with her at your own risk.  

[mark clemson]

On 9/2/2020 at 9:24 AM, Farmer Dylan said:

Any advice or related experience at all is greatly appreciated.

Sounds to me like she is chasing dopamine rushes.

Cheating is all exciting for her and gets her a big dopamine rush. New relationship energy, etc. She even future fakes to make it realer either for you or possibly for her.

Then, back home, reality hits. Actually leaving her relationship is a huge dopamine drop. She might be little unhappy, but not unhappy enough to deal with THAT.

When she's riding the NRE/cheat high, leaving seems like a reasonable idea. Once that's over, "her heart" can't face the prospect of the breakup hurt. And here you are.

Walk...

[mark clemson]

BTW...

On 9/2/2020 at 9:24 AM, Farmer Dylan said:

 I can feel that we would make a phenomenal team together and I would wife her 100%. I’m in love like I have not been in years.

I could be wrong, but IMO marrying this woman would likely be a HUGE mistake and possibly one you'd eventually come to see as one of the biggest of your entire life. She is not marriage material, at least at this point in her life. That's just my opinion, though.

Edited September 4, 2020 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to tell you: this one is simple. She is taken. Leave her alone--don't care how you feel about her.

Getting together with her while she's partnered will only be a mess, and as others have said, you won't be able to trust her if she dumps bf and dates you.

Dude, we all have people we run into in our lives where there is a spark. This isn't the fairy-tale opportunity that you're imagining. Or if so, keep going with the fairy-tale: go about living your life and if you were "meant" to be, it will happen that you two get together in a LEGIT and non-secretive way.

Just don't get hung up on the "she's the only one" foolishness. No such thing. Keep moving and if you need to, use her interest as a confidence booster to know that someone you really like can like you as well. But move on. 

[Hopeful2020]

I would just move on from this for a couple of reasons.

First,  I don't have an issue that she hooked up with you because neither of you are married or living with anyone. So this would all makes sense if she hooked up with you and dumped her boyfriend but she didn't which doesn't make any sense. She's only been with this dude ten months, they don't live together and you guys have had a thing for years but yet she can't seem to move on from this guy? That's just plain strange because there are people who will walk on relationships of several years to be with someone else.

Secondly, and this is just reality, but there are "plenty of fish in the sea." Yes, it's a cliche but it's true and as a 30 year old guy who probably has his stuff together I am sure you could very easily find other women, who are not in strange relationships, and would give you what you're looking for in your life.  I am not trying to minimize your feelings for this woman but it's pretty "amazing" how starting to date can minimize the "pain" in situations like this.

[Caauug]

Consider yourself lucky, you dodged the bullet!!!

Talk is cheap and lies love coming from cheating partners. Look at her actions. She's in a long term relationship and then goes to your cottage for a long weekend with you to start an EA + 2nd base. Then roots you, misleads you about more, and says not to tell. This one is just a "Good Time Girl". If you can get her like that, you will loose her the same way. Very poor boundaries. It was just your turn and a very short one!!

I feel sorry for her BF.... You have her dream house, the long history, passion, money(cottages are not cheap on the water)…. But she is staying with him.... What did he offer for her to stay??? He has out played/paid you!!!

She did hook you in for "Plan B", how long will you hang around for that chance to move up? If she does make you "Plan A", who will then take your spot as "Plan B"? She has proven to there will be someone in the wings waiting.

On 9/3/2020 at 12:24 AM, Farmer Dylan said:

we end up driving to a secluded parking lot and had passionate unprotected sex in the back of my truck.

Get yourself tested.... How many other guys have cum dumped into her on ONS and in relationships???

When it comes to this girl start thinking with the head on your shoulders, and cover the other one up next time.

She is not a unicorn!!! 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Caauug