Multiple breakups, then dumped 5 days after getting back together....

[ApplesnGrapes]

Long Story:

I've (29 y.o.) been in a relationship with this girl (29 y.o.) for 1.5 years. She is a doctor and is very passionate about professionalism and taking care of business (chores and responsibilities) as soon as possible, something she feels that I lack. She is introverted, a home body, and only has several close friends. Born into a well-off upper-middle class family in a small town, she is extremely close to them and calls her parents on a daily basis. Her parents never abused her and would usually give her whatever she wanted as a younger sibling. Because of this, she is a very secure person, which is why I feel that she doesn't need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole. I also believe this is why she tends to be on the stubborn side. My ex and I met through a mutual friend. We clicked well at my friend's dinner party, and things became intimate really quickly. She seemed to really appreciate the physical aspect of the relationship more than I did and would ask for it almost on a daily basis. Admittedly, I was not used to her sexual appetite and even had to ask for break days. The women I’ve been with in the past were very conservative. That, along with requesting her to work out with me and dress up for me (jeans instead of sweats, lingerie in bed), may have led to her feeling that I don't find her attractive.

A few key aspects that contributed to the breakup: She wants to live in a small town, but she knows how much I love bigger cities. I've been trying to convince her to move to California, but she refuses. That’s not a deal-breaker for me, but because of this, she firmly believes that I would be happier in California. Secondly, she is a very frugal person, and believes that our spending habits differ too much, even though I haven’t spent on anything unnecessary in the past year or so. Third, she does not care about maintaining appearances, and possibly took offense when I suggested for her to dress up for me (jeans instead of sweats, lingerie in bed). The second point (saying that I spend too much despite not spending for the past year) is where I figured that it’s hard for her to change first impressions. She makes permanent judgments based on first impressions and follows her intuition and feeling. She won’t let anything dissuade those impressions easily. I also noticed that she judges and criticizes most people, and possibly doesn’t really care about people's circumstances that lead to issues.

Also contributing to the breakups: While together, I never realized that she cared so much about being on time to things. Even after I realized this, I figure out that it's not about being on time but actually being early to things in a stress free manner. I picked her up 5 minutes late to a date once, which got her upset. I got out of bed last minute for classes with barely enough time to make it, which got her upset. I also had her drop me off at an interview, in which we were rushed to make it on time. All of these events are in her mind, without me realizing what being on time meant to her.

She's only been in two relationships: one was a short-lived long distance relationship in high school. She broke it off due to the distance. The second relationship was with someone she met in grad school. She broke things off with him after a year because she did not believe he cared enough about her. She’s been single for 6 years before we met, and just started her career when we got together.

We lived at her place instead of mine. She insists to live at her place due to the stressful nature of her career. She convinced me to sleep over on a daily basis, making room for my stuff. I never really liked her place, and couldn’t feel in my element, taking care of chores and business. It felt more like me staying over as a guest and her taking care of her stuff. (Later on, I tried being more involved around the place.) She was definitely type-A personality with cleanliness, but the way she treated me and how bubbly/lazy/chill she was when we hung out tricked me into believing that she was very laid back, which led to problems. In my head, I would just simply be enjoying it with her and hanging out/kicking back, but she was holding me accountable for how unorganized I was.

Our first break up occurred when we were out at an event with a group of people. She noticed me eyeing another girl (and I admit that I was) for a majority of the event's duration. When we arrived home, she requested that we break up. However, she didn't admit the reason was due to the girl I've been eyeing. Instead, she blamed that we were too different people. I begged for her back and it worked.

A second break up occurred when I had a scheduled flight with the departure date the day after her birthday. I had forgotten about the flight date and had to spend most of her birthday packing and preparing for my trip. Again, I begged for her to stay and it worked. Three weeks into this trip, we planned to call each other at 9 PM, and I did not arrive at my hotel for this call. I was under the impression that it would be okay to call away from my hotel room (I was at a train station on my way back) as long as I was talking with her on the phone. Little did I know that being at my hotel mattered to her. I guess in this case, I did not match my promise word for word. I managed to beg for her back again. I begged for hours on the phone for her to reconsider, and she did.

A month after coming home from the trip: The next break up occurred when I came back to her place late at night (waking her up when she had to sleep for 7:00am work). She was so furious that she didn't want to listen to whatever reason I had. I came back late because I was hosting some international students for a tour and did not want to rudely leave the group abruptly, especially when a visiting professor treated us out for ice cream. This was the first time we spent a breakup apart. I wrote to her saying how I accepted the breakup and gave her her space, returning her stuff, asking her to forgive me and to remain friends. Because of this, she kept in touch, initiating contact. She invited me to hang out two days later and ended up getting back together. She understood that this case was not my fault during our talk and admitted that stress at work caused her to overreact. This is the 10 month mark of our relationship, and at this time, we talked about her expectations, how important it is for her that I'm on time, and for me to pick up after myself more.

A few months later, another breakup occurred. That day, she texted me from work, "What do you want to do for dinner?". I responded, "let me think and I'll get back to you". Little did I know she expected me to know the time she gets off work (5:00 PM), and to be at home by that time. This was not communicated in the texts. I had to beg her to hear me out and that a meet-up time was not communicated. The next day, she was calmer, and finally listened. At this point, we both decided to work on having clearer communication.

The latest breakup occurred when I had to go out of town for business-related trips during weekdays for three consecutive weeks. Lately, I've been noticing that she has not been initiating texts. At the end of the second weekend, I came back home later than the agreed upon time by 10 minutes (10:40 PM). She knew I scheduled with friends for a celebration, and we agreed 10:30, but I came home 10:40. That night, she did not talk to me, but after a couple hours of lying in bed, things became very intimate… The next couple days, we were talking again, and those nights were also more intimate than usual, with her asking for sex each night (more than usual). After that weekend, I left for my last week of the business trip. During those weekdays, I would text her, and she would reply back enthusiastically. However, I noticed that I was always initiating texts, and that she would not initiate texting like she used to months before this. I decided to stay silent, give her a chance to initiate a text, but she did not initiate anything. On my last day, I texted her, and she texted back with enthusiasm to random questions I had.

Upon arriving to her place and meeting with her, the tone of her voice didn't match the texts. I was greeted with a stern and short "hi". When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she wanted to break up. She told me it was nothing that I did wrong this time, but she felt like we were too different, and that she enjoyed her time away from me more than the time with me. I tried to reason with her that maybe we just need more time to ourselves and that we've been spending too much time together. She wouldn't listen, and I felt that nothing I say would be able to change her mind. I could tell that she made up her mind. So, this time, I did something different.

I walked out of her apartment without begging. Immediately, she asked for her keys back and I gave it to her. Two days later, she dropped off my stuff and asked for her stuff back looking unphased and neutral. I tried to seem unphased by the breakup and tried to portray positivity.

A month goes by without a word from her, so I write her a letter thanking her for the breakup. I also wrote about what I've realized about my problems in the relationship and what I've done to change. I also asked if she was willing to meet up. She said she was happy that I was doing well and suggested that we meet later on. Her reason was that she doesn't want to spread COVID to me. Three weeks go by and no word from her yet. So far, I've worked on myself, worked on healing. My strategy was to re-attract her back by being positive and making her feel a sense of joy and fun when being around me.

One of her biggest complaints throughout the relationship was she felt I was not taking my studies seriously, that I didn't clean after myself well, and she felt like she had to be the one taking care of me. It's these things that I tried to work on too.

---------------------------------------------------------(4 months later) -----------------------------------------------------------

It’s been 4 months of no contact. After the 1st month, I sent a letter, in which she agreed to meet up again, but for months she did not message me back. 3 months in, I texted her how proud I was that she was in the front lines of covid and wished her well. She was receptive to that message and said thanks. After month 4 passing by, I was pretty much fed up with waiting for her to send me a meet-up message and pretty much planned on moving on. I also decided to move back to California with my family, but as a last ditch effort, I asked her if I could meet her by returning some stuff of hers. She didn’t respond. So, the next day, I sent her a message saying that it wasn’t only about her stuff, but that I wanted to see her one last time before I went back to California. She sounded surprised, and said OK, and that she was sorry for missing my message yesterday. She claimed to be busy.

When we met, I could tell in her body language that she was really happy to see me, almost submissive-like. I was able to convince her to take me back, even though she put up some resistance initially. We caught up, and I showed her how much I’ve changed. I was much more confident with her and made her laugh a lot. I told stories and we caught up. I talked about how I started investing, found a new job, and started tackling student loans. I acted more responsible around her apartment and gave her space to herself when I noticed she was busy. I could tell she was impressed. We saw each other for a total of 5 days.

The first day, she weakly pushed my advances away, but we were like two magnets and became very intimate. After, I talked to her about the idea of getting back together. She was reluctant but agreed. I stayed overnight. The second day, I came back to her place after doing some more packing at my place, she wanted to stop what was going on and not see me, but I was able to charm her into the idea of seeing each other again. The third night, she told me to come over later in the evening around 8, and that she’d text me when since her parents were visiting. She texted me at 7 pm that she was heading home, but by the time 8 arrived, she messaged me to stay at my place for the night since she was tired… I agreed. The fourth night, she texted me when she was heading back from work. I stayed over at her place. We were intimate again and talked more about our plans. She even told me that she informed her mom that we were talking again! I could tell that her brother was also informed, because he started to interact with me on a game the three of us used to play. On our last night together (5th day), she reserved the evening starting from 6:30 pm for us. At this point, I felt like for sure we were getting back together.

We agreed to meet up in September some time, where then I would fly back to her. We were very amicable towards each other and happy. However, when she dropped me off for my flight before work, she was furious that I put her in a time crunch. Timeliness was one of her peeves, and was a reoccurring issue she had with me, which contributed to several break ups.

This incident was different though compared to previous times I was late to things: The night before, I asked her if she could take me to grab breakfast at a drive-through before taking me to the airport. She said no because she wanted to sleep in more (she's a doctor with a busy schedule). The next morning, we both woke up earlier than we planned without the help of the alarm. So, I asked her if we were able to go grab breakfast and she agreed. As we got there, we turn the corner into the drive through and it didn't look bad, until we noticed that the line took longer to move than we anticipated. After that, the whole ride to the airport was tense. She didn't look at me, stared straight, was quiet the whole ride. I checked the gps, and it said that she would get to work on time (she normally gets to work on the dot, maybe a couple minutes early due to wanting the most amount of sleep), but in her mind, she was late. In my opinion, the feeling of being rushed is what angered her not whether she was late. When she dropped me off, she told me that "you haven't changed at all" and drove off. The next couple days, I tried messaging and calling her to apologize. On the second day, she messages me to never visit her again, that she firmly believes that we're not compatible, and that this was a learning experience for the both of us. (I also noticed that her brother stopped interacting with me the day that this all started).

After I received this message, I texted to her that I wanted to call her one last time. I try calling her, but no pickup. So I leave a voicemail explaining my feelings, how confused I was, and felt like we had a connection. I asked her to call me back if she changed her mind.

The next day (today), I texted to text her:

To be fair, neither of us foresaw that the drive-through would be so slow at 6:45 AM until we were in line. The judgement to get food was a team call. We both had equal accountability in this, but for me, extended fasting is painful, and I didn’t want to lose weight. I was also motivated to try and stay fit for your pleasure. I apologize to you earlier as a cultural habit of courtesy and politeness for inconvening you. And to show empathy conveying how you may have felt. I understand you are sensitive to any time-related issues where I’m involved, given past incidences, but I am a changed man! The past few months, I clocked in to work 10 minutes early ever since I started in March, recorded on ADT. I cooked and cleaned after myself, taking care of the garbage and recyclables at your place while managing my own business. Please let go of this incident Alice. Give me a fair chance to prove myself.

Two days later, I texted her my plans of moving back to her home state, living with a mutual friend. She then deleted me from social media and texted to me that she will drop off my remaining stuff at her place to my friend’s place. She said, “to be clear, I have no intentions of seeing you again.” She is now stonewalling me and not replying to texts and calls at all, unlike before.

I'm totally devastated. I want her back, and we were so close to getting back together. Bottom line is, I don't feel like I was at fault, and I hoped that she would see that. However, my apology saying I would never do that again may have triggered her to send the above message... Even after her message, is there a chance to reconciling? During those 4 months of no contact before our meet up, she never contacted me, and was very committed to moving on... What can I do after I give her space again to calm down? I know she was hesitant to take me back, and felt betrayed, but it wasn't entirely my fault. She had a part in it when she agreed to take me to get food. She could have communicated that breakfast was no longer a good idea! The previous times I was late, I was at fault because I arrived late to events.

From my analysis:

I feel that she is an extremely stubborn person and avoids conflict - not willing to communicate and talk through problems. She trusts her intuition and feelings wholeheartedly over discussions. I also noticed that stressful work schedules make her blow up easier… but the problem is, she voluntarily over-stacks her schedule with too many hours because she likes to work! She loves the money, and then spends a significant amount of her free time sleeping.

We definitely had a connection in those 5 days together, and she's being super petty about me making her late to work (so she claims). What can I do?....

[Mrin]

That was exhausting to read. Can't imagine living it. Move along. You two aren't compatible. Go make a good life for you in California. 

[ApplesnGrapes]

48 minutes ago, Mrin said:

That was exhausting to read. Can't imagine living it. Move along. You two aren't compatible. Go make a good life for you in California. 

I'm merely posting all of our dirty laundry for an accurate assessment. One has to take into account that all relationships come with their fair share of rocky waters. I've always been dumped straight up for what many would call petty reasons without any ability to talk/argue things out first. In fact, we've never had a loud verbal/abusive argument about anything. It's not even a toxic relationship in the contemporary sense, just another partner stonewalling when they have problems instead of communicating at one point. I've never been tossed to the couch, or warned, just dumped. My post may not reflect this, but we had many great moments together. In fact, we have a lot in common, except I've always wanted to talk things out and compromise. I'm already depressed as is. I don't appreciate the "just move on" statements. I would appreciate advice to initiate communication. 

[Mrin]

Oh it wasn't exhausting to read because it was so long and detailed. It was exhausting to read because the relationship was so dysfunctional. Healthy relationship don't break up all the time like that over things like that. Men in healthy relationships don't beg and beg and beg to keep their woman in the relationship. Seriously man, my heart goes out to you. I know you want this to work but that's the old quote says "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity". I know you probably can't see it now but your story is just that. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

You two are just poorly matched. She has almost a militant focus on integrity. You have a much more fluid relationship with integrity. Trust me - those two personalities don't work together.

My best advice to you is to do what I said - move on. Don't look back. Go live a great life. She said she never wants to see you again. She's cut you off. The what else is there to do? Remember - she's dogmatic with integrity. So if you ignore her requests and breach her boundaries she will only lose more respect for you. 

Sorry I wish I could blow sunshine up your rear end or tell you how you could turn this around. But I can't.

Best of luck

Mrin

Edited September 3, 2020 by Mrin

[healing light]

Alright, with all due respect, this woman sounds completely nuts.

She will never, ever be happy and able to carry out a functional relationship with her current rigidity and blaming people for things that are outside of their control. A slow drive thru? Really????? 10 minutes late after a friendship celebration???  I can't tell what I think sounds more insane. Maybe my favorite is her breaking up with you because you called her from the train station at the time she asked instead of from the hotel after a flight. Public transit is not that reliable where I'm from--how on earth does calling from a train vs. a hotel say anything about your character? It sure says a lot about her unrealistic expectations, though. Or expecting you to be a total mind reader (again!) and be home at 5pm when she didn't communicate it. 

I live in SoCal with some of the worst traffic. s*** happens. Can you imagine if this lady had a real problem? You would think being a medical provider (I am one, as well) would expose her to enough patients with actual issues that she wouldn't be so emotionally dysregulated and sent into a tail spin over her own failure to communicate and, you know, life happening. 

I think the only question to ask yourself is why on earth you would walk on such extreme eggshells for a year and a half for this woman and beg her back time and time again when she cannot give you any room to be human. You said yourself she's critical of other people and doesn't seem to care about what circumstances may have led to their misfortune in life, perhaps this is a residual of her upbringing of never being denied anything, I don't know. But what I do know is that you deserve better and aren't compatible.

[ShyViolet]

This relationship is completely dysfunctional.  It's not normal to break up and get back together so many times.  I've lost count of how many times you and her have broken up.  You two are not compatible.  How long do you want to stay on this never-ending cycle of breaking up and getting back together with this woman?  Because if you don't just accept that you and her are not compatible, this will keep happening.  It's extremely unrealistic of you to think "this time it will be different."

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, ApplesnGrapes said:

I'm merely posting all of our dirty laundry for an accurate assessment. One has to take into account that all relationships come with their fair share of rocky waters. 

Not like this.

There's obviously plenty wrong with her behavior. But what truly perplexes me is your response to that behavior. Why are you so desperate to be with her? Why do you keep going back for more? Why are you determined to fight so hard for this kind of relationship?

You're unlikely to get responses encouraging you to get back together. Your relationship is just too unhealthy for that. Based on what you say, she seems to really not want to be with you but to keep taking you back because your bowing and scraping give her an ego boost. Why not respect her wishes to be broken up and move to California like you planned?

Edited September 3, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

Quote

She trusts her intuition and feelings wholeheartedly over discussions

She's done with you so your only recourse is to move on.

[Highndry]

Women who love and respect men don't break up with them over trivial matters, which is what she has done repeatedly. Do yourself a favor and never talk to this woman again. She is, as somebody said above, MILITANT. She will never find a man if she doesn't do some work on herself. I don't even know what you see in her, because she is treating you like dirt and you're acting like a scolded puppy, begging for forgiveness.

[elaine567]

She sounds like she just got fed up of being your mother and you continually disappointing her.

Yes she is driven yes she is focused and she has her life in order, exactly what is needed in the medical profession. She admires accuracy, accountability and responsibility and integrity and perfect time keeping. 
Along comes Mr Slapdash with a roving eye and little sense of the qualities she admires,  BUT, she falls in love and thinks he will get better, but no, not any better, so eventually she gives up.

Trouble with all these "trivial" reasons for breaking up, is that they all demonstrated to her a lack of care on the part of the OP and that is not "trivial".
 

Edited September 3, 2020 by elaine567

[Acacia98]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She sounds like she just got fed up of being your mother and you continually disappointing her.

Yes she is driven yes she is focused and she has her life in order, exactly what is needed in the medical profession. She admires accuracy, accountability and responsibility and integrity and perfect time keeping. 
Along comes Mr Slapdash with a roving eye and little sense of the qualities she admires,  BUT, she falls in love and thinks he will get better, but no, not any better, so eventually she gives up.

Trouble with all these "trivial" reasons for breaking up, is that they all demonstrated to her a lack of care on the part of the OP and that is not "trivial".
 

Some of the reasons for her breaking up with him were definitely not trivial. I actually sympathized with her perspective for part of the story. But it's hard to take her seriously when she keeps taking him back after breaking up on those occasions. In fact, it gives the impression that breaking up is her response to everything.

[elaine567]

I have a feeling that breaking up is her way of trying to shock him into acting in a better way.
I also think she was hooked, so even when her better judgement told her to break up, the reality was she  couldn't really carry it through to completion.
BUT I noticed the breakups were getting more prolonged and "serious" with the last one being final I guess.
If you asked her she likely  wasn't "all in" for a long time. but stuck around thinking it would improve, but finally it was the last straw....
Break ups are often weeks, months, even years in the making.

[d0nnivain]

Why the heck do you want her back?  

Yours was a dysfunctional relationship.  You break up too much.  Let this one be permanent.  

You are very incompatible people who each have zero interest in being flexible.  She's rigid about everything & you seem to enjoy goading her to pick at her hot button issues.  You don't have the same life philosophies.   Just be done.  You will be much happier.  

[introverted1]

You are clearly not compatible, and it is far deeper than her desire to be on time and you not caring about that.  Your are out of whack on just about every major factor from the sound of it -- lifestyle, ambition, ethics, career. At this point, it seems like you (and possibly she) are addicted to the repeating pattern of lows when you break-up to highs when you get back together.  This is not a healthy pattern and definitely not one you should be trying to continue.  Let this one go.

[chillii]

 

Think l made it about 1/2 way through but losing track of break ups by then pretty well says it all and the rest or what they were even about doesn't even matter anyway sorry. Anyone breaking up that often, it just isn't working pure and simple buddy. On all the issues themselves, her, same again really none of it even matters, your just totally different people anyway.

Edited September 3, 2020 by chillii

[schlumpy]

She is right, You too dissimilar.

She will never change her attitude towards being on time and you will never worry about being on time.  It will drive her nuts while you will be unfazed.

Even now you don't see it because you don't that inner time clock.

Find someone like yourself that doesn't respond to the tick tock of the clock.

[Trail Blazer]

On 9/3/2020 at 10:25 PM, chillii said:

 

Think l made it about 1/2 way through but losing track of break ups by then pretty well says it all and the rest or what they were even about doesn't even matter anyway sorry. Anyone breaking up that often, it just isn't working pure and simple buddy. On all the issues themselves, her, same again really none of it even matters, your just totally different people anyway.

I, too, only got half way through before arriving at the conclusion that these two individuals are totally unsuited to each other.

OP's wife sounds like a very uptight, pretentious, privileged and generally intolerant person.  Perhaps she makes a great medical professional, but perhaps not the greatest wife material.

OP needs a happy-go-lucky chick who can meander through life at a casual pace alongside him.  I'm sure she's out there, but this woman isn't it.

 

[dangerous]

I read how many times you BEGGED her to take you back. Begging is weak, she knows she is in control, she has no respect for you. This relationship is dysfunctional. 

Her behaviour of being intense and passionate first and then switching to critical is indicative warning signs of a potential behavioural disorder. The OP was very long so I may have missed it, but my question is what is her history of relationships with her parents and siblings, reasons for previous breakups: I'll bet there is a history of alienation, blame or abuse? I may be wrong but....

Edited October 4, 2020 by dangerous

[spiderowl]

All I can say is, why on earth do you want to be back with this woman who is so intolerant? The only reasons I’ve can think of are:

- that you two clearly had physical chemistry; and

- that perhaps you are quite a submissive person who enjoys your partner being in control.

This relationship did not seem balanced at all as you were both incompatible in other ways. 

I would not waste any more time trying to get her back, unless you actually enjoy the punishment.

[Mystery4u]

Why do people bump month long no reply threads?

Edited October 10, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Ellener]

On 9/2/2020 at 8:58 PM, Mrin said:

You two aren't compatible.

exactly.

[schlumpy]

6 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Why do people bump month long no reply threads?

Could be they only visit the forum every few weeks. Fresh meat for them.

[lovesflame]

I am sure you loved her, but what did you even have in common?

She treats you like a really overbearing mother and makes you live with her and tells you to clean up and then complains about it?

Also, her personality and control freak features seem like almost no person on earth could get along with her not just you. As you said she barely had any relationships and was single for six years. Sorry, man but she sounds unbeareable to deal with.

You did nothing wrong. She sounds no fun. you can't even LOOK at another woman. she breaks up over minor things and won't even talk it out with you. she is power-hungry and completely unable to be vulnerable and open.

Does she even have interests in life outside of work?

what is she like emotionally?

Was she there for you when you were feeling down?

Please reconsider it from an outside persepective she seems like she was very demanding and controlling. 

[trident_2020]

Why do people bump 3 month old threads?

[Miss Spider]

Cut her off... she’s not into it, she just can’t let go . Leave exes alone. They made their choice

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes