Broken up with after 5 years, left in a really difficult situation

[Louisa_98]

Hey so I will try to keep this as SHORT as I possibly can but it's a messy situation.

Me and my Ex had been together for over 5 years. In lockdown I threw him a huge surprise party (Spent £300 on it and it was only with the 4 people in the house so we weren't breaking any lockdown rules) This was start of May. It was such an amazing night and we all loved it. Middle of June he became really snappy, really quiet and really distant. I spoke to him a lot, asked if he was okay if he wanted to talk, asked if there was a problem with us, everything. He said he just didn't feel himself and he wasn't sure why thought maybe he was just bored from lockdown. I said to him it would make sense everyone feels a bit weird through lockdown, it's quite boring but he was still working so I said if he can try be grateful for that bit of routine in his life. Anyway we had these conversations a few times and he said every time that we were fine and he just wasn't feeling himself. I bought him presents and little things to do to cheer him up but nothing seemed to be working.

End of June a house opportunity came up (We had been looking for just over a year) I spoke to him about it as they were high demand and if we wanted one we had to pay to reserve it. So I said to him if he's not ready or not feeling it and wants time to work on himself that is fine. He said no lets go for it, so I paid the £150 reservation fee. Then had a mortgage broker meeting which I had to pay £500 for. This was all my money. And I spoke to him before each of these steps because he was a bit off and didn't seem excited. I did get frustrated and said to him well look then I will cancel all this cause you clearly don't want it. To which he said 'no no I do sorry I just am trying to work out what is going on in my head.'

The Wednesday morning on my work break I have the mortgage broker meeting. All goes well all 100% approved we could afford this house. They booked us in for a house viewing the following day (Thursday) I ring him to tell him and he doesn't answer (He wasn't at work) Then I text him to let him know and he says 'oh thats good' then I said I was worried about him and really don't want him to think we have to do this. He says no sorry he's just not feeling himself again. I then sent him a big message saying how I really care about him and am worried, how if this is too much it's okay to say so it'll be fine. I say I love him so much and I just don't want him to look back at this house thing and think 'Oh I wish I got the proper excited experience' kind of thing? He read and ignored that. I got back from work and he had gone to work (I worked morning he was working late night). I spoke to his sister and her boyfriend about him, just asked if he seemed off to them and asked for a bit of support as I was worried about their mental health. They agreed he had been weird and told me I had nothing to worry about. I joked to them and said 'Knowing him he will break up with me after the house viewing tomorrow'... He text me back around 9pm that night and said sorry for not replying he just didn't know what to say but he understands what I'm saying and he loves me too.

We wake up Thursday morning and he's quiet the whole way to the house. We look around it and he says how nice it is how he really likes it and I agreed it was a lovely house and I was getting really excited. Got in the car afterwards and I said what do you think and he said 'its nice' that was it. So I said lets got get lunch (He gets really hangry and hadn't eaten) so I drove us to get food which I paid for then we sat and ate it. He mentions nothing about the house. We go home we speak to his sister and her partner then go upstairs to our room. Then he puts a film on, by this point I am getting a bit angry? Just wanted him to come out and say he didn't want the house. Then when that film finished he said should we watch another and I said yes but first we need to talk about the house situation. He then threw his phone and I said 'you don't want it do you' and he said 'no I don't want any of it I don't want to be with you anymore'. By this point I am a mess, crying sobbing, not even angry just confused. He said he still loves me so so much and he cares about me still just as much as ever but he just couldn't work out what was making him feel like rubbish and he thinks it's cause he wasn't happy with us anymore. I got angry about all the money I spent on the house thing considering it was 90% my money going towards it. I begged him I asked him so many things, maybe its lockdown? Maybe it's cause we have lived in eachothers pockets? Is there someone else? I said I should've spent lockdown with my family and his response was 'No cause then I would've been miserable on my own'. (Which to me seems like him admitting he knows we aren't the reason he is unhappy?

I had lived with him for 4 years so I had to pack up my stuff, I asked him to help me and he said it was too difficult to watch so he left the room and left me to do it myself. I physically and mentally wasn't strong enough to do it all at once so I got the important bits. We spoke the next day cause I just wanted more understanding and I was obviously just not thinking straight. I said to him how he had treated me badly the last couple of months, he never complimented me anymore he never asked how I was, nothing. and he said it was cause he couldn't handle his own 'mental s***' and it wasn't fair on me. And I said I was fine with it cause I love him and was just wanting to support him.

I then found out he had taken another girl to the beach about 2 weeks after we broke up through a mutual friend. We argued about that and he said he only took her cause she had just broken up with her boyfriend and he wanted to speak to someone who would understand him. He also said he only went cause he was so fed up of sitting at home on his own upset missing me and regretting what he did. I said he should've called me at that point to speak to me.
I know nothing is happening with them two as she is now back with that boyfriend she broke up with and my ex also promised me nothing was happening.

It's just a lot of mixed signals and to be honest going from one morning about to get a house to that evening it all gone is just a whole other type of pain.

I feel like I've messed up cause I broke no contact multiple times, once messaging him sad the next angry at him then I sent a text a few days ago apologising for handling everything so badly and I hope that he is okay. It's been nearly 2 months since the break up and I'm still hurting. It's my birthday next week and I'm so sad I don't get to see him and he probably wont even wish me a happy birthday. I am going full no contact now.

Do you think he will ever contact again? Does it sound like he's having a problem with depression? What should I do? Anyone had a similar situation? Do you think he will regret it?

TLDR: Boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me after viewing house we were meant to move in to. Mixed signals of what he is feeling. Any experience yourselves with this? Will he contact me?

[d0nnivain]

Although it was a surprise to you & you were on another page, deepening your commitment though the house purchase,  I don't think he is taking this break up lightly.  I think he's been done for a while but struggled to communicate his dissatisfaction & desire to break up to you. The mixed portion of his feelings are because he's a genuinely nice person who feels badly for hurting you but that doesn't amount to enough to stay together. 

Let him go completely.  See if you can afford the house or another one on your own for your own fresh start.  Move forward from there,  

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with d0nnivain.

I’m very sorry, OP. This is no doubt incredibly painful. I think he’d been checked out for quite a while and was too afraid to tell you that he wanted out. He sounds like he was very conflicted and maybe went along with things (house-hunting) hoping his feelings would change but they just didn’t. 

His seemingly depressed mood was likely because he knew this relationship wasn’t going to last much longer and he knew he was going to eventually have to have very difficult conversation with you. He may also have been talking to this beach girl before splitting, leading to him feeling guilty as well. 

Either way, I think all you can do is proceed as though you’re closing this chapter now.  We can’t predict with any certainty if he’ll regret it or contact you, but it’s better to start healing and moving forward regardless of what he may or may not do in the future. 

[Louisa_98]

Thank you, I understand that he maybe had been feeling it for a while I just wish he had told me before going through the whole house process. I know there is never a good time to break up with someone but there are better times than that surely? 
I don't hate him just wish he had been a bit more open with me and leading up to the break up I kept asking him if we were the problem and he kept saying no, just wish he could've been honest in those moments. It's such a s*** time I know I need to move on with my life and it's so difficult to know what is around the corner. I just hope I can grow as aperson from this 

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

Hey so I will try to keep this as SHORT as I possibly can but it's a messy situation.

Me and my Ex had been together for over 5 years. In lockdown I threw him a huge surprise party (Spent £300 on it and it was only with the 4 people in the house so we weren't breaking any lockdown rules) This was start of May. It was such an amazing night and we all loved it. Middle of June he became really snappy, really quiet and really distant. I spoke to him a lot, asked if he was okay if he wanted to talk, asked if there was a problem with us, everything. He said he just didn't feel himself and he wasn't sure why thought maybe he was just bored from lockdown. I said to him it would make sense everyone feels a bit weird through lockdown, it's quite boring but he was still working so I said if he can try be grateful for that bit of routine in his life. Anyway we had these conversations a few times and he said every time that we were fine and he just wasn't feeling himself. I bought him presents and little things to do to cheer him up but nothing seemed to be working.

End of June a house opportunity came up (We had been looking for just over a year) I spoke to him about it as they were high demand and if we wanted one we had to pay to reserve it. So I said to him if he's not ready or not feeling it and wants time to work on himself that is fine. He said no lets go for it, so I paid the £150 reservation fee. Then had a mortgage broker meeting which I had to pay £500 for. This was all my money. And I spoke to him before each of these steps because he was a bit off and didn't seem excited. I did get frustrated and said to him well look then I will cancel all this cause you clearly don't want it. To which he said 'no no I do sorry I just am trying to work out what is going on in my head.'

The Wednesday morning on my work break I have the mortgage broker meeting. All goes well all 100% approved we could afford this house. They booked us in for a house viewing the following day (Thursday) I ring him to tell him and he doesn't answer (He wasn't at work) Then I text him to let him know and he says 'oh thats good' then I said I was worried about him and really don't want him to think we have to do this. He says no sorry he's just not feeling himself again. I then sent him a big message saying how I really care about him and am worried, how if this is too much it's okay to say so it'll be fine. I say I love him so much and I just don't want him to look back at this house thing and think 'Oh I wish I got the proper excited experience' kind of thing? He read and ignored that. I got back from work and he had gone to work (I worked morning he was working late night). I spoke to his sister and her boyfriend about him, just asked if he seemed off to them and asked for a bit of support as I was worried about their mental health. They agreed he had been weird and told me I had nothing to worry about. I joked to them and said 'Knowing him he will break up with me after the house viewing tomorrow'... He text me back around 9pm that night and said sorry for not replying he just didn't know what to say but he understands what I'm saying and he loves me too.

We wake up Thursday morning and he's quiet the whole way to the house. We look around it and he says how nice it is how he really likes it and I agreed it was a lovely house and I was getting really excited. Got in the car afterwards and I said what do you think and he said 'its nice' that was it. So I said lets got get lunch (He gets really hangry and hadn't eaten) so I drove us to get food which I paid for then we sat and ate it. He mentions nothing about the house. We go home we speak to his sister and her partner then go upstairs to our room. Then he puts a film on, by this point I am getting a bit angry? Just wanted him to come out and say he didn't want the house. Then when that film finished he said should we watch another and I said yes but first we need to talk about the house situation. He then threw his phone and I said 'you don't want it do you' and he said 'no I don't want any of it I don't want to be with you anymore'. By this point I am a mess, crying sobbing, not even angry just confused. He said he still loves me so so much and he cares about me still just as much as ever but he just couldn't work out what was making him feel like rubbish and he thinks it's cause he wasn't happy with us anymore. I got angry about all the money I spent on the house thing considering it was 90% my money going towards it. I begged him I asked him so many things, maybe its lockdown? Maybe it's cause we have lived in eachothers pockets? Is there someone else? I said I should've spent lockdown with my family and his response was 'No cause then I would've been miserable on my own'. (Which to me seems like him admitting he knows we aren't the reason he is unhappy?

I had lived with him for 4 years so I had to pack up my stuff, I asked him to help me and he said it was too difficult to watch so he left the room and left me to do it myself. I physically and mentally wasn't strong enough to do it all at once so I got the important bits. We spoke the next day cause I just wanted more understanding and I was obviously just not thinking straight. I said to him how he had treated me badly the last couple of months, he never complimented me anymore he never asked how I was, nothing. and he said it was cause he couldn't handle his own 'mental s***' and it wasn't fair on me. And I said I was fine with it cause I love him and was just wanting to support him.

I then found out he had taken another girl to the beach about 2 weeks after we broke up through a mutual friend. We argued about that and he said he only took her cause she had just broken up with her boyfriend and he wanted to speak to someone who would understand him. He also said he only went cause he was so fed up of sitting at home on his own upset missing me and regretting what he did. I said he should've called me at that point to speak to me.
I know nothing is happening with them two as she is now back with that boyfriend she broke up with and my ex also promised me nothing was happening.

It's just a lot of mixed signals and to be honest going from one morning about to get a house to that evening it all gone is just a whole other type of pain.

I feel like I've messed up cause I broke no contact multiple times, once messaging him sad the next angry at him then I sent a text a few days ago apologising for handling everything so badly and I hope that he is okay. It's been nearly 2 months since the break up and I'm still hurting. It's my birthday next week and I'm so sad I don't get to see him and he probably wont even wish me a happy birthday. I am going full no contact now.

Do you think he will ever contact again? Does it sound like he's having a problem with depression? What should I do? Anyone had a similar situation? Do you think he will regret it?

TLDR: Boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me after viewing house we were meant to move in to. Mixed signals of what he is feeling. Any experience yourselves with this? Will he contact me?

Well you definitely kept that short! 
I know how painful a breakup can be. The good news is it really does get easier and this is a great place to get help.

I’m with the others. 

Where is your self respect tho? Why would you want him to contact you?
Sounds like this has been on his mind for a while and he’s been blaming his mental health instead of coming clean that he wanted to break up. Or that was the reason his mental health was suffering , was because he didn’t want to be with you but didn’t want to hurt you.
 

He took another girl off to the beach just after you broke up. Then told you he did it because he was missing you?!
Tells you one thing to spare your feelings and let you down gently, yet his actions don’t follow....
 

when someone’s actions don’t meet their words, take notice. 

He obviously cares about you a great deal, but not enough to have a relationship. Just enough to more than likely, lie to you to save your feelings. 
All you can do is be thankful this guy flaked out on you now , and not when you bought a house already. Very lucky for you  
 

Be a prize. Don’t be a doormat.
You’re too available to him. You need to go no contact and find some reasons why this guy isn’t good for you. 

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by Fox Sake
Just to say I was writing this as she posted -face palm- sorry OP

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Louisa_98 said:

I know there is never a good time to break up with someone but there are better times than that surely? 

Yes, indeed there are. 

And yet, break-ups still happen at the most inopportune times. They get messy. It hurts and I know you would like some answers from him, but there’s not much benefit to asking yourself why he didn’t go about it more openly or directly before it just all boiled over.

I know he had told you this wasn’t about you as a couple (while house-hunting), but you seeking his reassurance so many time was your gut telling you that something was really wrong. You knew you didn’t believe him, and it turns out you were right. You now know that you can trust your instincts. Him telling you that he didn’t know what he was feeling was in fact your first indication of trouble ahead. He should never have let it get as far as it did before finally being honest and ending it. 

 

[Louisa_98]

49 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Well you definitely kept that short! 
I know how painful a breakup can be. The good news is it really does get easier and this is a great place to get help.

I’m with the others. 

Where is your self respect tho? Why would you want him to contact you?
Sounds like this has been on his mind for a while and he’s been blaming his mental health instead of coming clean that he wanted to break up. Or that was the reason his mental health was suffering , was because he didn’t want to be with you but didn’t want to hurt you.
 

He took another girl off to the beach just after you broke up. Then told you he did it because he was missing you?!
Tells you one thing to spare your feelings and let you down gently, yet his actions don’t follow....
 

when someone’s actions don’t meet their words, take notice. 

He obviously cares about you a great deal, but not enough to have a relationship. Just enough to more than likely, lie to you to save your feelings. 
All you can do is be thankful this guy flaked out on you now , and not when you bought a house already. Very lucky for you  
 

Be a prize. Don’t be a doormat.
You’re too available to him. You need to go no contact and find some reasons why this guy isn’t good for you. 

 

Aha no worries about replying as  I did! 
Thank you, yeah I'm thinking a lot about what you've said, his actions and his words don't match. And I said to him how he should've messaged me when he felt that way not taken her to the beach and he said 'he just didn't see a future' and so I said that thats what he should've told me when he left me then. I shouldn't have to find out in such a horrible way? 
I dunno my issue with him is that he's made no conscious effort to make a future for himself or for us. All the savings were mine, and my hard work through changing jobs and making my way up to be a manager. He's been in the same job for 10 years and not progressed and is on very little money. I will never judge someone for their job but he didn't like his job but didn't lift a finger to do anything about it. 
I think it's unfair of him to blame this unhappiness he is feeling completely on our relationship cause he's not made an effort to be happy in a very long time? 

Thank you, I am going to try improve myself and build myself in to the best version of me I can be. I'm just a bit unsure on where to start! 

[Louisa_98]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, indeed there are. 

And yet, break-ups still happen at the most inopportune times. They get messy. It hurts and I know you would like some answers from him, but there’s not much benefit to asking yourself why he didn’t go about it more openly or directly before it just all boiled over.

I know he had told you this wasn’t about you as a couple (while house-hunting), but you seeking his reassurance so many time was your gut telling you that something was really wrong. You knew you didn’t believe him, and it turns out you were right. You now know that you can trust your instincts. Him telling you that he didn’t know what he was feeling was in fact your first indication of trouble ahead. He should never have let it get as far as it did before finally being honest and ending it. 

 

Yes very messy and looking back I regret how I handled it, I begged a lot I messaged him a lot in so many different moods to the point he just read and ignored the last couple. 
Yeah maybe deep down unknowingly I knew? I guess I know signs to look out for as well more than anything aha! 

[S2B]

1 hour ago, Louisa_98 said:

Thank you, I understand that he maybe had been feeling it for a while I just wish he had told me before going through the whole house process. I know there is never a good time to break up with someone but there are better times than that surely? 
I don't hate him just wish he had been a bit more open with me and leading up to the break up I kept asking him if we were the problem and he kept saying no, just wish he could've been honest in those moments. It's such a s*** time I know I need to move on with my life and it's so difficult to know what is around the corner. I just hope I can grow as aperson from this 

You found out some important points about him.

he doesn’t communicate effectively with you.

he avoids conflict

he may have had a strong interest in someone else and that’s why he mistreated you

si be glad he showed you who he really is. Because it takes way more than he offered to make any relationship to work!

stop paying for everything in any relationship! I notice he was making NO effort/investment and you were making 150% effort. 
 

he looks like a user. Be DONE with him!!!

[schlumpy]

Type into google "cheating 180"

The 180 is a program that will help you work on yourself and detach from the SO. Once the rational part of your brain is back in the drivers seat you find that your decision process will work much better.

You will have to go no contact.

There is a small chance that he will try to come back if his new squeeze doesn't work out. Be prepared for that day and make sure there is a new you to meet that challenge.

He is a user. Find someone who isn't.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

You found out some important points about him.

he doesn’t communicate effectively with you.

he avoids conflict

he may have had a strong interest in someone else and that’s why he mistreated you

si be glad he showed you who he really is. Because it takes way more than he offered to make any relationship to work!

stop paying for everything in any relationship! I notice he was making NO effort/investment and you were making 150% effort. 
 

he looks like a user. Be DONE with him!!!

After 5 years together, this is a great summary of major red flags of your boyfriend of 5 years. 

I have to ask -- why would you invest 90% into a house he's only able to invest 10% in? Metaphorically, it's a mirror of how much you've invested in the past 5 years with him, and how much that he's invested in the past 5 years with you. You = 90% Him = 10%. Those are not good percentages.

You need to..no...you deserve to be with...a man who invests 50% to your 50%. 

Did you go ahead to purchase the house or did you back out? 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Watercolors

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

I dunno my issue with him is that he's made no conscious effort to make a future for himself or for us. 

That was a huge red flag. 

 

 

[S2B]

I hope you bought the house yourself! 

[Louisa_98]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

You found out some important points about him.

he doesn’t communicate effectively with you.

he avoids conflict

he may have had a strong interest in someone else and that’s why he mistreated you

si be glad he showed you who he really is. Because it takes way more than he offered to make any relationship to work!

stop paying for everything in any relationship! I notice he was making NO effort/investment and you were making 150% effort. 
 

he looks like a user. Be DONE with him!!!

This is true he does really avoid conflict always has. It's such a weird experience cause I guess when you're in the relationship and in love with someone you just can't see these things and always give them the benefit of the doubt y'know? I paid for everything and I think he took that along with everything else for granted. I bought him a £500 camera for his birthday... he took me to a shopping centre and said 'get what you want' for mine. 

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Type into google "cheating 180"

The 180 is a program that will help you work on yourself and detach from the SO. Once the rational part of your brain is back in the drivers seat you find that your decision process will work much better.

You will have to go no contact.

There is a small chance that he will try to come back if his new squeeze doesn't work out. Be prepared for that day and make sure there is a new you to meet that challenge.

He is a user. Find someone who isn't.

OOO thank you so much I really need something like that to help me to detach so thank you! 
Yeah I've already written down what I want to say to him if he comes running back and if it changes I'll just re write it so I have it near by.

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

After 5 years together, this is a great summary of major red flags of your boyfriend of 5 years. 

I have to ask -- why would you invest 90% into a house he's only able to invest 10% in? Metaphorically, it's a mirror of how much you've invested in the past 5 years with him, and how much that he's invested in the past 5 years with you. You = 90% Him = 10%. Those are not good percentages.

You need to..no...you deserve to be with...a man who invests 50% to your 50%. 

Did you go ahead to purchase the house or did you back out? 

I don't want to sound rude or like it's a competition or like I'm a horrible person but it makes me feel a bit stupid and like I should've dumped him? Like looking back I dealt with A LOT of stuff I shouldn't have. He never really accepted me in to his family? Like he would but then he'd also be like 'I want to do things with just them' but it wasn't just his family because his sisters partner would be involved and I would be the only one not included and then have to sit at dinner with them all whilst they all spoke about how great that time was.
He always spoke about how he had money problems cause he was renting a huge house from his parents cause they moved away so we all rented this house from them but it wasn't cheap. But I realise now that's kind of a rubbish excuse? Cause if that was an issue he should've looked for a new job, it's been 2 years since they moved away so he's had plenty of time. 
Thank you sounds silly but I can't wait to actually feel a bit more appreciated in a relationship? 
Unfortunately I couldn't afford the monthly payments on my own so backed out and managed to get some of the money back. 

[Louisa_98]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That was a huge red flag. 

 

 

Yeah I'm realising a lot of red flags looking back to be honest. 
I can't help wonder if he thinks that about me but at the same time I haven't done nearly as bad the only problems I've caused is asking for a bit more respect from him aha. Not saying I'm perfect, I am far from but I was always making effort so I  don't know how he can flaw that really. 

39 minutes ago, S2B said:

I hope you bought the house yourself! 

I couldn't afford it on my own unfortunately which really sucks cause I was so so excited and to get a house was my dream

[Dork Vader]

I think  most of the responses on here are fairly good. Give yourself time to heal emotionally before you make any huge financial decisions like purchasing a home. Sure I understand you've already spent a lot of money, but what you've already spent pales in comparison to what you'll spend on a home. Especially if you end up stuck with the home.. 

I also think you deserve better in terms of a SO. Someone who can openly communicate their feelings... Sure we all have moments in which we are unsure of what's bothering us, but not for months. The only mild concern I have is that maybe he just got cold feet and anxiety at the idea of something as permanent as purchasing a home together. Thus he was unsure of his feelings and unsure what to say.. But even still I think he should have been communicating those feelings to you, especially before you invested money into the purchase process. Hey this is giving me anxiety, I don't know if I'm ready for this. There were other red flags in the relationship. Communication is key to any lasting relationship, so that situations like this don't happen.

[Louisa_98]

1 hour ago, Dork Vader said:

I think  most of the responses on here are fairly good. Give yourself time to heal emotionally before you make any huge financial decisions like purchasing a home. Sure I understand you've already spent a lot of money, but what you've already spent pales in comparison to what you'll spend on a home. Especially if you end up stuck with the home.. 

I also think you deserve better in terms of a SO. Someone who can openly communicate their feelings... Sure we all have moments in which we are unsure of what's bothering us, but not for months. The only mild concern I have is that maybe he just got cold feet and anxiety at the idea of something as permanent as purchasing a home together. Thus he was unsure of his feelings and unsure what to say.. But even still I think he should have been communicating those feelings to you, especially before you invested money into the purchase process. Hey this is giving me anxiety, I don't know if I'm ready for this. There were other red flags in the relationship. Communication is key to any lasting relationship, so that situations like this don't happen.

Yeah I've moved back in with my family and probably wont be looking to move out till next year and it's something I want to think a lot about

Exactly I agree, there were moments where I struggled to think of how to word something but I'd maybe struggle for a day or two maximum before just saying it. Communication has always been a struggle for him. His family all said growing up he didn't speak to anyone about anything so I guess I should've known aha! I definitely think the stress and almost pressure (not from me but more the general pressure of growing up)  got to him for sure and rather than talking about it he let it build up to a point of resenting me rather than just saying he wasn't sure or felt uneasy y'know? Communication is definitely important and when I told him this I said that if he communicated to me it would never of got this bad and he just got defensive saying 'it wouldnt matter what I said the problem is telling someone you love and loves you that you're having doubts'. It's like arguinng with a brick wall. 

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

Yeah I've moved back in with my family and probably wont be looking to move out till next year and it's something I want to think a lot about

Exactly I agree, there were moments where I struggled to think of how to word something but I'd maybe struggle for a day or two maximum before just saying it. Communication has always been a struggle for him. His family all said growing up he didn't speak to anyone about anything so I guess I should've known aha! I definitely think the stress and almost pressure (not from me but more the general pressure of growing up)  got to him for sure and rather than talking about it he let it build up to a point of resenting me rather than just saying he wasn't sure or felt uneasy y'know? Communication is definitely important and when I told him this I said that if he communicated to me it would never of got this bad and he just got defensive saying 'it wouldnt matter what I said the problem is telling someone you love and loves you that you're having doubts'. It's like arguinng with a brick wall. 

5 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone you're not compatible with. It sounds like the red flags were there all along, with his lack of communication being the biggest red flag of all. 

Hopefully, you will be able to just spend the next year at home w/your folks distancing yourself from him so that you can emotionally process and let go. It's ok that you and he weren't compatible as relationship partners. Better to acknowledge it at 5 years and break up, then spend 35 years with him and being completely miserable about it. So many people take that road -- where they stay married to a person who they know isn't right for them. 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Watercolors

[S2B]

Sometimes you just realize that you aren’t a good match. 
 

the next relationship - if the new guy isn’t as giving as you are then don’t stay in the relationship.

this sounded one sided - you gave and gave - and he was the taker. Don’t let it be that way next time... or at least don’t waste time on someone when they show you they only take from you.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/3/2020 at 11:51 PM, Louisa_98 said:

Thank you, yeah I'm thinking a lot about what you've said, his actions and his words don't match. And I said to him how he should've messaged me when he felt that way not taken her to the beach and he said 'he just didn't see a future' and so I said that thats what he should've told me when he left me then. 

Yes, precisely. The words and actions don't line up. He didn't take another woman to the beach because he missed you; that was an excuse to not make it seem like he's dating already. Even if this woman has returned to her boyfriend, he was trying to cover his tracks because he knows it looks bad. 

It sounds as though you're seeing more and more of the warning signs now that you've had some space from him. Not feeling included in family functions is a pretty big one, especially when you know the other partners were there. Always feeling like you were the one making the effort (and not getting much in return) is another. Sometimes we try to minimize these red flags to ourselves because conceding the truth is too painful. 

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, Louisa. I don't doubt the relationship had its good times too but it seems that you can do a lot better than this. In time, after you heal, you will find that man that gives you just as much love and respect as you give him. 

[Louisa_98]

21 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Hopefully, you will be able to just spend the next year at home w/your folks distancing yourself from him so that you can emotionally process and let go. It's ok that you and he weren't compatible as relationship partners. Better to acknowledge it at 5 years and break up, then spend 35 years with him and being completely miserable about it. So many people take that road -- where they stay married to a person who they know isn't right for them. 

Yes this is my plan now, get my life back and recover from all of this cause I'm definitely devastated by it all. As much as I'm realising things now I still love him and miss him so thats the bit that hurts seeing I didn't really put my foot down. But I agree definitely bettter now than years down the line. 

19 hours ago, S2B said:

the next relationship - if the new guy isn’t as giving as you are then don’t stay in the relationship.

this sounded one sided - you gave and gave - and he was the taker. Don’t let it be that way next time... or at least don’t waste time on someone when they show you they only take from you.

Oh yep I know signs to look for now and will definitely learn from this! I definitely gave a lot more than I ever received and I see now how unhealthy that was. 

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, precisely. The words and actions don't line up. He didn't take another woman to the beach because he missed you; that was an excuse to not make it seem like he's dating already. Even if this woman has returned to her boyfriend, he was trying to cover his tracks because he knows it looks bad. 

It sounds as though you're seeing more and more of the warning signs now that you've had some space from him. Not feeling included in family functions is a pretty big one, especially when you know the other partners were there. Always feeling like you were the one making the effort (and not getting much in return) is another. Sometimes we try to minimize these red flags to ourselves because conceding the truth is too painful. 

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, Louisa. I don't doubt the relationship had its good times too but it seems that you can do a lot better than this. In time, after you heal, you will find that man that gives you just as much love and respect as you give him. 

I kept making excuses for him at first like maybe he was confused etc. But I'm realising he was just a coward and had already set up another girl to cling to after leaving me, and that really hurts. 
I am definitely spending a lot of time reflecting which has been so difficult but I think it needed to be done. The family thing was constant as his sisters partner had been around for 10 years and I'd been around for 5 so they were always sort of like 'well you've not been around long enough' or 'not experienced as much with us'. It was rubbish and I felt very unwelcome even though I lived there. I definitely made a thousand excuses purely out of love for him cause I didn't want to face the truth of it all? 

Thank you, I try to keep my head screwed on aha   It definitely had amazing times that I love and cherish but the bads were also quite major ones. Thank you I really hope so

[Watercolors]

Louisa_98 now is the time for you to "grey rock" your ex-boyfriend. 

Quote

 

The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored. The grey rock method takes away what the narcissist needs and desires most–attention.

In order to implement the grey rock method, a person needs to minimize conversations and verbal exchanges as much as they can. While interactions should always be avoided when possible, it is important to refrain from ignoring a narcissist. Instead, an individual should reply with minimal and short responses to limit further conversation. Conversations should center on monotonous or boring topics and a person should attempt to provide one word answers without elaboration or opinion. If a narcissist attempts to bait, a person can utilize nonverbal responses such as nodding and smiling to avoid further engagement.

 

 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

20 minutes ago, Louisa_98 said:

I definitely made a thousand excuses purely out of love for him cause I didn't want to face the truth of it all? 

Usually, when we make excuses for our partners' behavior it has nothing to do with 'love' as much as it has to do with feeling insecure without that person in our life. 

I do agree with you, that you didn't want to face the truth of his disinterest and his detachment from you for 5 years. So, you made excuses for him, and enabled his horrible behavior by not following through with consequences that would affect him negatively, if/when you would try to engage him in conversation about your worries and concerns. 

We don't make excuses for people we love. We make excuses for people we are afraid of losing b/c we don't want to be alone and feel like this is the only person we think we deserve (which is a sign of low self esteem). Does that make sense? 

Codependent women are attracted to guys like your ex-boyfriend. Codependent women pick the wrong guys to date and be in relationships with, because they are trying to recreate dysfunctional family patterns; they enjoy being the caregiver to the emotional vampire b/c they like feeling needed; they think by putting their own emotional needs second then the emotional vampire will be happy, and so that means that they have a good relationship (which is not the case at all); they get their own sense of self worth from others, instead of internally from themselves b/c that's the family environment they were raised in to believe that they must perform good deeds to receive validation from others; they think their value is defined by the types of relationships they have with others. 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[S2B]

Be ready...when he realizes he doesn’t have your attention anymore he may create an “emergency situation” to see if you come running to rescue him! Do NOT respond!

things like an illness or an emergency trip to the hospital generally pop up and is designed to get your attention.

do not take that bait!

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

 I kept making excuses for him at first like maybe he was confused etc. But I'm realising he was just a coward and had already set up another girl to cling to after leaving me, and that really hurts. 
I am definitely spending a lot of time reflecting which has been so difficult but I think it needed to be done. The family thing was constant as his sisters partner had been around for 10 years and I'd been around for 5 so they were always sort of like 'well you've not been around long enough' or 'not experienced as much with us'. It was rubbish and I felt very unwelcome even though I lived there. I definitely made a thousand excuses purely out of love for him cause I didn't want to face the truth of it all? 

My goodness, did they actually say these things to you? Or is this what your ex told you? 

No wonder you felt excluded. You can't exactly experience much with anyone when they don't give you the opportunity, so that is arse-backwards logic. 5 years is not a flash-in-the-pan relationship so it is BS to say you hadn't been around long enough to be included. Someone was definitely keeping you at arm's length, but I have to wonder if it was more your ex's choice than his family's wish.