Broken up with after 5 years, left in a really difficult situation

[Datingdisabled]

My ex allowed people to speak to me offensively too. I didn't walk away in time and now I have a serious back problem. I lined up a great job and had plans to move forward. I can't even get out of bed and this morning I tried to walk to Tim Hortons for a coffee and the walk was too painful for me to do again anytime soon. I'm sitting here and I can't get up. I can't work. Have to take the next few months off to get rid of the back pain. He's making someone else feel amazing and I have nothing but time to accept this and move on.

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

This was something really interesting to read, thank you! Not something I've heard about before but definitely something I need to accept and work on. Thank you! It's weird cause at the start of the relationship it didn't feel that way at all? But the last couple of years definitely have! 

I can relate to your thread b/c as a recovering codependent myself, I used to trap myself in the exact same dating pattern that you've described here, where you contribute more than your boyfriend does, to the r/s overall. It's hard to break the pattern, and takes practice but it can be done. It's about self-discipline and recognizing the red flags before you embark on a r/s. 

We can attract healthier partners, when we stop falling for unhealthy partners. 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened, Louisa.  It is incredibly painful I know, but you will get through this and will see things in a different light given time.

You may not feel it now but you have so much going for you.  You have carried this guy through your work and the efforts you have made with him.  You have been pushing a boulder uphill, by the sound of it.  If you could now learn from this and understand that you need a relationship to be more 50/50 than yours was, that alone will be worth learning.

You have put so much into this relationship that it's bound to feel like a huge loss - a loss of all your efforts.  But, write it off, start again with someone who knows how to treat their partner and to value them.  The right guy will be putting in as much as you, if not more.  He would also not let his toxic family treat you badly.

This is experience and experience can be painful.  It can also help you a lot in the long run.  As well as looking after this guy, you have been running after him too - making all the effort, trying to figure out how he is feeling, trying to help.  Do not do this.  Leave him to cope with his own feelings and situation now.  I am glad to hear you will be wary of him trying to regain your affections.  I am sure his life will be more difficult now you are not there to do all the work for him.  He might well try to get you back once he realises.

You sound a lovely person who is hard working and considerate.  Please don't waste those great qualities on the wrong guy. Send him packing if he disrespects you or does not step up to do his bit.  Fox sake has pointed you towards info on codependency.  I am sure you will find that useful.  Now that this half-hearted guy is out of your life, you will find new self-respect and new opportunities.  Such opportunities tend to appear when we are truly ready for them.

xx

Edited September 10, 2020 by spiderowl

[Louisa_98]

On 9/10/2020 at 3:25 AM, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what happened, Louisa.  It is incredibly painful I know, but you will get through this and will see things in a different light given time.

You may not feel it now but you have so much going for you.  You have carried this guy through your work and the efforts you have made with him.  You have been pushing a boulder uphill, by the sound of it.  If you could now learn from this and understand that you need a relationship to be more 50/50 than yours was, that alone will be worth learning.

You have put so much into this relationship that it's bound to feel like a huge loss - a loss of all your efforts.  But, write it off, start again with someone who knows how to treat their partner and to value them.  The right guy will be putting in as much as you, if not more.  He would also not let his toxic family treat you badly.

This is experience and experience can be painful.  It can also help you a lot in the long run.  As well as looking after this guy, you have been running after him too - making all the effort, trying to figure out how he is feeling, trying to help.  Do not do this.  Leave him to cope with his own feelings and situation now.  I am glad to hear you will be wary of him trying to regain your affections.  I am sure his life will be more difficult now you are not there to do all the work for him.  He might well try to get you back once he realises.

You sound a lovely person who is hard working and considerate.  Please don't waste those great qualities on the wrong guy. Send him packing if he disrespects you or does not step up to do his bit.  Fox sake has pointed you towards info on codependency.  I am sure you will find that useful.  Now that this half-hearted guy is out of your life, you will find new self-respect and new opportunities.  Such opportunities tend to appear when we are truly ready for them.

xx

Thank you for your kind words. I'm really hoping for some light to pop up soon

I have definitely learnt a lot from this, some lessons I wasn't ready to learn but I feel that no one is ever truly ready to learn them. 
I will be honest I've been reading lots online about break ups, how chances are he feels he can do better than me and feels superior to me now. That hurts a lot. A lot about improving my appearance which hurts as I'm already not the most confident but I'm also 5"2 and underweight, so reading things like that is very damaging for me. 

Thank you I really appreciate your kind words, I try my best in all I do and I'm very empathetic, I think that's what is making this so tough. But I know everyone is right in saying I deserve someone who gives equal effort to me. 

Xx

[Louisa_98]

Just an update I guess? 
Monday was my 23rd birthday. My family were great kept me as busy as they could considering the circumstances. The evening and morning were tough, I didn't hear from him at all. First birthday I hadn't in a long time. His mum and sister messaged me, wished me a happy birthday said they're always thinking of me and really hoping I'm okay. They also sent me £60. Which was so sweet and I thanked them and said they really didn't have to. 
I've spent the last couple of days really struggling again, hoping to hear from him, feeling sad, not getting out of bed till very late. Crying a lot. 


I have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

 have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

Yes, it's all very normal. 

You're quite fresh out of a long-term relationship. It will take a while before you are emotionally detached enough and healed enough to be ready to date. Your guilt stems form the fact that for so long, ans util recently, you did have a boyfriend - it takes time to unlearn those emotional reactions. 

I would stay away from dating for a while. It will bring more pain than comfort while you're still recovering. Hang in there, Louisa. 

[spiderowl]

10 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

Just an update I guess? 
Monday was my 23rd birthday. My family were great kept me as busy as they could considering the circumstances. The evening and morning were tough, I didn't hear from him at all. First birthday I hadn't in a long time. His mum and sister messaged me, wished me a happy birthday said they're always thinking of me and really hoping I'm okay. They also sent me £60. Which was so sweet and I thanked them and said they really didn't have to. 
I've spent the last couple of days really struggling again, hoping to hear from him, feeling sad, not getting out of bed till very late. Crying a lot. 


I have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

I don't know what you read about improving your appearance, Louisa, but it sounds like it was a lot of rubbish.  You do not need to improve your appearance.  If three guys are asking for your number, you look pretty good - they wouldn't bother otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with you; your boyfriend just wasn't the right guy.  I know you are bound to grieve now because that's normal but don't interpret that unhappy feeling as meaning there was anything wrong with you or that you don't look good enough.  Feeling bad does not equal being bad.

[Louisa_98]

On 9/12/2020 at 5:47 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it's all very normal. 

You're quite fresh out of a long-term relationship. It will take a while before you are emotionally detached enough and healed enough to be ready to date. Your guilt stems form the fact that for so long, ans util recently, you did have a boyfriend - it takes time to unlearn those emotional reactions. 

I would stay away from dating for a while. It will bring more pain than comfort while you're still recovering. Hang in there, Louisa. 

Thank you, I will definitely be staying away for a while. 

21 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I don't know what you read about improving your appearance, Louisa, but it sounds like it was a lot of rubbish.  You do not need to improve your appearance.  If three guys are asking for your number, you look pretty good - they wouldn't bother otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with you; your boyfriend just wasn't the right guy.  I know you are bound to grieve now because that's normal but don't interpret that unhappy feeling as meaning there was anything wrong with you or that you don't look good enough.  Feeling bad does not equal being bad.

Thank you, I hope so. To be honest I just thought I'd of heard from him by now. And I'm jealous he's living a happy life and I'm suffering