Broken up with after 5 years, left in a really difficult situation

[Louisa_98]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Be ready...when he realizes he doesn’t have your attention anymore he may create an “emergency situation” to see if you come running to rescue him! Do NOT respond!

things like an illness or an emergency trip to the hospital generally pop up and is designed to get your attention.

do not take that bait!

Yes I am expecting something like this to happen, I wont be responding. He's had too many chances and all I will give him now is the support he has shown me, which is none aha! 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My goodness, did they actually say these things to you? Or is this what your ex told you? 

No wonder you felt excluded. You can't exactly experience much with anyone when they don't give you the opportunity, so that is arse-backwards logic. 5 years is not a flash-in-the-pan relationship so it is BS to say you hadn't been around long enough to be included. Someone was definitely keeping you at arm's length, but I have to wonder if it was more your ex's choice than his family's wish. 

Yep, this was his family that told me this. Said if they invited me they'd have to invite their best friends and I was like well thats not right cause I'm his girlfriend. I told my boyfriend they said this and he got really angry that they had said that cause he agreed that I was his girlfriend not the same as their friends. 
Exactly they gave me 0 chance to experience things with them. His sister and boyfriend definitely had problems with me in the early years. Them 3 are weirdly close like up eachothers backside close. Him and his sister have nothing in common and don't actually get on but only get on now cause him and her boyfriend are like best friends. So they didn't like when I started getting more attention than them, they barely sspoke to me and if they did it was rude or nasty? His sister told me I was too boring and dull for  him cause I didn't drink alcohol (In front of all his family aunts uncles etc.) And her boyfriend told me I wasn't like all those pretty skinny girls cause I'm too chubby (At the time I was actually very underweight). So they never helped, they always made it feel like competing. After he dumped me his sisters best friend told me he said to my ex if he dares talk to me again he'll slap him etc and that my ex will never talk to me again. I told my ex this cause it upset me and he said to me it doesn't matter what he says its our lives so it's our choices what we do not his. So I dunno it's all abit much to process.

[Louisa_98]

10 hours ago, Watercolors said:

We don't make excuses for people we love. We make excuses for people we are afraid of losing b/c we don't want to be alone and feel like this is the only person we think we deserve (which is a sign of low self esteem). Does that make sense? 

Codependent women are attracted to guys like your ex-boyfriend. Codependent women pick the wrong guys to date and be in relationships with, because they are trying to recreate dysfunctional family patterns; they enjoy being the caregiver to the emotional vampire b/c they like feeling needed; they think by putting their own emotional needs second then the emotional vampire will be happy, and so that means that they have a good relationship (which is not the case at all); they get their own sense of self worth from others, instead of internally from themselves b/c that's the family environment they were raised in to believe that they must perform good deeds to receive validation from others; they think their value is defined by the types of relationships they have with others. 

This was something really interesting to read, thank you! Not something I've heard about before but definitely something I need to accept and work on. Thank you! It's weird cause at the start of the relationship it didn't feel that way at all? But the last couple of years definitely have! 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Louisa_98

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Louisa_98 said:

 His sister told me I was too boring and dull for  him cause I didn't drink alcohol (In front of all his family aunts uncles etc.) And her boyfriend told me I wasn't like all those pretty skinny girls cause I'm too chubby (At the time I was actually very underweight). So they never helped, they always made it feel like competing. After he dumped me his sisters best friend told me he said to my ex if he dares talk to me again he'll slap him etc and that my ex will never talk to me again.

Excuse me? And your ex allowed them to speak to you like this?

It sounds like you should have walked away from all of these messy people a long time ago, to be honest. 

[Louisa_98]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Excuse me? And your ex allowed them to speak to you like this?

It sounds like you should have walked away from all of these messy people a long time ago, to be honest. 

Well they always waited to say it when he wasn't there. And he was very shy and never stood up to his family. But then when I told him they'd said these things he didn't do much about it? So yeah... I definitely dealt with a LOT.

[Datingdisabled]

My ex allowed people to speak to me offensively too. I didn't walk away in time and now I have a serious back problem. I lined up a great job and had plans to move forward. I can't even get out of bed and this morning I tried to walk to Tim Hortons for a coffee and the walk was too painful for me to do again anytime soon. I'm sitting here and I can't get up. I can't work. Have to take the next few months off to get rid of the back pain. He's making someone else feel amazing and I have nothing but time to accept this and move on.

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

This was something really interesting to read, thank you! Not something I've heard about before but definitely something I need to accept and work on. Thank you! It's weird cause at the start of the relationship it didn't feel that way at all? But the last couple of years definitely have! 

I can relate to your thread b/c as a recovering codependent myself, I used to trap myself in the exact same dating pattern that you've described here, where you contribute more than your boyfriend does, to the r/s overall. It's hard to break the pattern, and takes practice but it can be done. It's about self-discipline and recognizing the red flags before you embark on a r/s. 

We can attract healthier partners, when we stop falling for unhealthy partners. 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened, Louisa.  It is incredibly painful I know, but you will get through this and will see things in a different light given time.

You may not feel it now but you have so much going for you.  You have carried this guy through your work and the efforts you have made with him.  You have been pushing a boulder uphill, by the sound of it.  If you could now learn from this and understand that you need a relationship to be more 50/50 than yours was, that alone will be worth learning.

You have put so much into this relationship that it's bound to feel like a huge loss - a loss of all your efforts.  But, write it off, start again with someone who knows how to treat their partner and to value them.  The right guy will be putting in as much as you, if not more.  He would also not let his toxic family treat you badly.

This is experience and experience can be painful.  It can also help you a lot in the long run.  As well as looking after this guy, you have been running after him too - making all the effort, trying to figure out how he is feeling, trying to help.  Do not do this.  Leave him to cope with his own feelings and situation now.  I am glad to hear you will be wary of him trying to regain your affections.  I am sure his life will be more difficult now you are not there to do all the work for him.  He might well try to get you back once he realises.

You sound a lovely person who is hard working and considerate.  Please don't waste those great qualities on the wrong guy. Send him packing if he disrespects you or does not step up to do his bit.  Fox sake has pointed you towards info on codependency.  I am sure you will find that useful.  Now that this half-hearted guy is out of your life, you will find new self-respect and new opportunities.  Such opportunities tend to appear when we are truly ready for them.

xx

Edited September 10, 2020 by spiderowl

[Louisa_98]

On 9/10/2020 at 3:25 AM, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what happened, Louisa.  It is incredibly painful I know, but you will get through this and will see things in a different light given time.

You may not feel it now but you have so much going for you.  You have carried this guy through your work and the efforts you have made with him.  You have been pushing a boulder uphill, by the sound of it.  If you could now learn from this and understand that you need a relationship to be more 50/50 than yours was, that alone will be worth learning.

You have put so much into this relationship that it's bound to feel like a huge loss - a loss of all your efforts.  But, write it off, start again with someone who knows how to treat their partner and to value them.  The right guy will be putting in as much as you, if not more.  He would also not let his toxic family treat you badly.

This is experience and experience can be painful.  It can also help you a lot in the long run.  As well as looking after this guy, you have been running after him too - making all the effort, trying to figure out how he is feeling, trying to help.  Do not do this.  Leave him to cope with his own feelings and situation now.  I am glad to hear you will be wary of him trying to regain your affections.  I am sure his life will be more difficult now you are not there to do all the work for him.  He might well try to get you back once he realises.

You sound a lovely person who is hard working and considerate.  Please don't waste those great qualities on the wrong guy. Send him packing if he disrespects you or does not step up to do his bit.  Fox sake has pointed you towards info on codependency.  I am sure you will find that useful.  Now that this half-hearted guy is out of your life, you will find new self-respect and new opportunities.  Such opportunities tend to appear when we are truly ready for them.

xx

Thank you for your kind words. I'm really hoping for some light to pop up soon

I have definitely learnt a lot from this, some lessons I wasn't ready to learn but I feel that no one is ever truly ready to learn them. 
I will be honest I've been reading lots online about break ups, how chances are he feels he can do better than me and feels superior to me now. That hurts a lot. A lot about improving my appearance which hurts as I'm already not the most confident but I'm also 5"2 and underweight, so reading things like that is very damaging for me. 

Thank you I really appreciate your kind words, I try my best in all I do and I'm very empathetic, I think that's what is making this so tough. But I know everyone is right in saying I deserve someone who gives equal effort to me. 

Xx

[Louisa_98]

Just an update I guess? 
Monday was my 23rd birthday. My family were great kept me as busy as they could considering the circumstances. The evening and morning were tough, I didn't hear from him at all. First birthday I hadn't in a long time. His mum and sister messaged me, wished me a happy birthday said they're always thinking of me and really hoping I'm okay. They also sent me £60. Which was so sweet and I thanked them and said they really didn't have to. 
I've spent the last couple of days really struggling again, hoping to hear from him, feeling sad, not getting out of bed till very late. Crying a lot. 


I have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

 have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

Yes, it's all very normal. 

You're quite fresh out of a long-term relationship. It will take a while before you are emotionally detached enough and healed enough to be ready to date. Your guilt stems form the fact that for so long, ans util recently, you did have a boyfriend - it takes time to unlearn those emotional reactions. 

I would stay away from dating for a while. It will bring more pain than comfort while you're still recovering. Hang in there, Louisa. 

[spiderowl]

10 hours ago, Louisa_98 said:

Just an update I guess? 
Monday was my 23rd birthday. My family were great kept me as busy as they could considering the circumstances. The evening and morning were tough, I didn't hear from him at all. First birthday I hadn't in a long time. His mum and sister messaged me, wished me a happy birthday said they're always thinking of me and really hoping I'm okay. They also sent me £60. Which was so sweet and I thanked them and said they really didn't have to. 
I've spent the last couple of days really struggling again, hoping to hear from him, feeling sad, not getting out of bed till very late. Crying a lot. 


I have had 3 guys ask for my number recently, and I just felt guilty? I gave my number to one but we were talking and I just hated it? He was over the top clingy and I just kept comparing him to how me and my ex first started talking? And then I felt a huge wave of guilt and a huge weight of pressure? Is that normal? 

I don't know what you read about improving your appearance, Louisa, but it sounds like it was a lot of rubbish.  You do not need to improve your appearance.  If three guys are asking for your number, you look pretty good - they wouldn't bother otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with you; your boyfriend just wasn't the right guy.  I know you are bound to grieve now because that's normal but don't interpret that unhappy feeling as meaning there was anything wrong with you or that you don't look good enough.  Feeling bad does not equal being bad.

[Louisa_98]

On 9/12/2020 at 5:47 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it's all very normal. 

You're quite fresh out of a long-term relationship. It will take a while before you are emotionally detached enough and healed enough to be ready to date. Your guilt stems form the fact that for so long, ans util recently, you did have a boyfriend - it takes time to unlearn those emotional reactions. 

I would stay away from dating for a while. It will bring more pain than comfort while you're still recovering. Hang in there, Louisa. 

Thank you, I will definitely be staying away for a while. 

21 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I don't know what you read about improving your appearance, Louisa, but it sounds like it was a lot of rubbish.  You do not need to improve your appearance.  If three guys are asking for your number, you look pretty good - they wouldn't bother otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with you; your boyfriend just wasn't the right guy.  I know you are bound to grieve now because that's normal but don't interpret that unhappy feeling as meaning there was anything wrong with you or that you don't look good enough.  Feeling bad does not equal being bad.

Thank you, I hope so. To be honest I just thought I'd of heard from him by now. And I'm jealous he's living a happy life and I'm suffering