Frustrated with my suspicious wife!

[Ciril Johnson]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is fine. Glad that I found this forum. When I scrolled through some posts, I understood that there are people like me who face issues in their married life and ask for opinions, suggestions, or help. So I believe I can get some support here.

I’m very much frustrated with my wife because she is highly suspicious. Whenever I talk with any other girls, she would stare at me for a long time as if I was cheating her. When I go to the office, she would call my colleagues to know with whom I’m talking or spending time with. She would even send her friends to spy on me. She would try to grab my phone to check my social media chats. Sometimes, her behaviour would drive me crazy, and we often argue with each other. I told her that living with her has become unacceptable and warned her that, if she can’t change, I have to think about divorce. Even if I told her like that, seriously, I don’t want to leave her. I want to change her. A friend suggested me to attend relationship counselling sessions. Will attending such sessions work? What do you guys think about this? Are  there any treatments for this type of suspicious nature? Kindly share your genuine opinions on this matter.

Thanks!

Edited September 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link.

[mark clemson]

CC might work, but probably IC (individual counseling) will ultimately be needed as well.

Did she have a relationship where the partner cheated? If so, go easy on her (sounds like you have been more or less) as that sort of thing can leave some people very traumatized.

Ultimately a spouse can (try to) set whatever boundaries help them feel emotionally comfortable. However, if all this stems from some sort of obsessive budding paranoia, then she'll presumably need serious help as it might be the start of something serious, such as a mental illness. From what I understand, having a spouse with a mental illness is no walk in the park. That said, sometimes these things can be overcome and one can have a happy marriage again.

Just to check, you AREN'T doing anything untoward with other women, correct? Just talking, casual friendships?

[schlumpy]

Has this always been a characteristic of your wife or did it make a sudden appearance?

 

[d0nnivain]

On 9/3/2020 at 1:59 PM, Ciril Johnson said:

 When I go to the office, she would call my colleagues to know with whom I’m talking or spending time with. She would even send her friends to spy on me. 

Are you kidding?  If my spouse called my work colleagues to ask about who I was talking to I would drop them like a  hot potato   What a boundary violation.  I'm shocked that your employer hasn't fired you.  Work colleagues should never be pestered by somebody's home life drama.  

Your wife needs individual counseling.  WTH is wrong with her?   OMG!

If you want to supplement that with couples counseling fine but you don't have communications issues.  She's nuts.  

[hippychick3]

Well, my first question is - has there been any history of cheating or inappropriate behaviors with other woman on your part? 
 

If yes, you’ll need couple’s therapy and to take some responsibility here.  If unequivocally no, she needs individual counseling and you need to reconsider this relationship. This is no way to live your life. 

Edited September 5, 2020 by hippychick3

[Hopeful2020]

As others have said: has there been infidelity before in your relationship or did she just randomly start acting like this after you were married? I just don't buy that your wife is all of the sudden became super suspicious after you got married for absolutely no reason.

As to couple's counseling I would recommend that you both do individual counseling first because often it often doesn't go  to well if people haven't addressed their issues individually. first.  

[usa1ah]

Cheaters have shown this behavior themselves. The expect the BS to cheat as well. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is not new behavior. She had to be like this all along. Face up to the truth: you might have married a pathologically jealous and insecure person.

No shame. Just a mistake. People like this do act like this, in my experience, all along, but you missed it. Don't miss it or pretend it away now. 

Run! 

[JS84]

Don't be shocked if it turns out she's cheating herself which is the reason for her behavior. It's not uncommon for cheaters to suspect their partners are doing the exact same thing they are and to act accordingly. Seen a few shocked spouses over the years who had to learn that particular lesson the hard way.

Edited September 7, 2020 by JS84

[Crazelnut]

Calling your work? That is waaay over the line.  Sorry, but your wife sounds mentally ill. Unless you've cheated in the past, there is no excuse for her level of obsession and paranoid boundary violations. 

If she won't get help from a qualified therapist, you really should think hard about staying with her. 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Unless you've cheated in the past,

I guess there may be more to this story.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Crazelnut said:

Unless you've cheated in the past, there is no excuse for her level of obsession and paranoid boundary violations. 

Even if he had cheated, the wife should divorce him not call his work & bother his colleagues.  They didn't cheat or cause him to cheat.  Leave them out of it.  

[central]

People won't change unless they WANT to change, and put in the work to do so.  Unless you give her a serious ultimatum to start therapy, she has no incentive to change.  The only viable lever you have is the threat of divorce, but you have to be willing and able to follow through on that if she does not start the change process.  Even then, it might not work and you might have to follow through with divorce.