How do I keep the lines of communication open?

[John987654321]

A woman and I started messaging, and eventually via text message, beginning sometime in the second half of March, right when the pandemic started, and we all were in lockdown.  We clicked very well, I haven't clicked with someone over message to that extent in a very long time (years).  Around Mid May, lockdown restrictions started loosening up, not total reopen, but she became distant.  I asked her about it, and she had it in her mind that I really did not want to meet her, and thee was no convincing her that I did.

The truth is, for multiple reasons, I am fearful of getting the coronavirus via close contact.  I literally stay physically away from all people, until this gets under control, it can cause economic disaster in my life.  Earlier this summer I started getting groceries for my elderly father with multiple co-morbidities, so he does not have to go inside a grocery store (I get groceries curbside), so that adds on another layer of responsibility -- which I am all too happy to accept.

Meanwhile, I still keep in touch with this woman, but at one point she says that she has to meet soon.  Right after another outbreak, no less, 5 times worse than the spring peak.  I explain to her that, if I end up getting covid asymptomatically, it s likely a death sentence for my father, so I canNOT do close contact with ANYONE, which basically rules out physical meeting and dating until this is over.  She basically just said to write her when I feel comfortable with the covid situation.

This is two weeks before her birthday, so I text her on her birthday, and she was appreciative that I remembered, but the tension is still there.  I back off for three weeks, write her again to see how she is doing (this was about 10 days ago), and that opens up communication, and we start to get close again, even to where we have a phone conversation, the feelings came back (on both sides), but the tensions started happening again last night, bringing back up that she can't wait until the virus is over to meet.

If we didn't click like we do, I would just quit.  Close contact puts my father's life in danger until a vaccine and / or a treatment becomes available, so that is off the table TEMPORARILY.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle this, to keep the communication line open?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you can.  

You have valid reasons for not wanting to meet but after 6 months I can understand her being fed up.  She's not going to wait any longer so if you can't meet, then let her go.  It's not fair to keep her on hold just because you have to be.  When things ease up you can reach out again & see if she's free

[Mystery4u]

I don't see why you can't meet and just keep a distance from each other. Better than not meeting at all.

Otherwise she will end up meeting someone else and I would not blame her.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't think I would push this. When has already told you at least twice that she wants to meet. Then she flat-out told you that you can call her when you're ready to do that. She's being clear: "Don't contact me unless you want to meet." So if you keep checking in, only to thwart her her again, it shows not only that you're not listening to her, but that you're just going to push things. That's going to tick her off and then you're done-done.

You two want (need) two different things...it's not the right match.

[John987654321]

9 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

I don't see why you can't meet and just keep a distance from each other. Better than not meeting at all.

I'm open to that idea.  I actually thought about it.

Two things, though.

How would we be able to actually date?  I can't see how being physically distant is going to work for more than a meeting or two.  Am I missing something?

We both are also very affectionate.  I've actually had an overwhelming continuous urge to hug her for nearly a week now.  And I told her that (and she said that really made her smile).  How would that work?  Both of our desires for each other's affection is a big part of the attraction.

In addition, a lot of things that we mutually like to do, the virus has put on hiatus, so how would I get to show her the real and complete me?

[John987654321]

14 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 

She did tell me last weekend that she was glad I stayed in touch, and genuinely does not want to lose touch with me.  She's kind of going though a difficult time (I won't post the details here), and said she needed the affection she knew I could provide.

I'm trying not to make judgments on matches based upon this singular event.  If not for covid we'd have met months ago.

 

[schlumpy]

As long as your father can be exposed to the virus through you, then you will have to forego a dating life.

Quit bouncing in and out of her life and using up the infatuation period of the relationship.

Express your intentions to her and when the COVID red beacon goes out, contact her again.

That could be a long time but I don't see how else you can resolve this situation unless you pay someone to take your place with your father and that has moral fiber consequences.

If you are religious turn it over to GOD.

[chillii]

 

l don't know how bad it is there but as we get older finding that very special someone becomes harder and rarer. l'd get creative and figure something out rather than let it slip by. Like you've been talking for mths so 2 wks at this stage is nothing so for example, is it possible for you both to just isolate for 2wks first then just drive straight to each other and meet. Or get tested then stay home until the result then drive straight to each other and meet, or something. My woman got stuck up in her home city 12hrs away you wouldn't believe what we had to do to get her back here safely but we came up with a plan and eventually got her back safely , took a few wks. Well you guys sound like your at least close and all you wanna do is meet for a few hours soooo.

[Ruby Slippers]

Respect her request and only contact her once you're ready to meet.

True, she's perfectly free to tell you to stop contacting her or move on to other dates if that's what she wants to do. But I get the impression she's being kinda weak in the situation, and it's not right of you to exploit that weakness for your own purposes. Man up and stop leaning on this woman like a crutch.

[bobjon]

Everyone has their reasons surrounding da Rhonas, but I am curious what your dad thinks?  To be honest, if you are going to let this dictate your life, you better saddle up for a life of solitude for a LONG while because this sh*& will be around for YEARS, and it will take people finally chilling out to realize you can die in a car wreck tomorrow....  Do you still drive?  

 

BTW, I have da Rhonas right now.  My only issue is I can smell NOTHING....  I am not saying others will be like me but I already knew it would not be a big deal for me.  People think my cavalier attitude towards it means I don't care, but actually I was expecting to get it, in which I am one that SHOULD get it.  I practically licked door knobs because I have a BA immune system that works, and you get enough guys like me "taking the hit", we can shut this virus down.  I will also be much less a carrier and less worries being around people with it.  

 

You cannot blame a woman for wanting to move on.  You also are not to blame for wanting to protect people, but if we all live life like an insurance salesman, that is NOT a life at all!

 

"We both are also very affectionate.  I've actually had an overwhelming continuous urge to hug her for nearly a week now.  And I told her that (and she said that really made her smile).  How would that work?  Both of our desires for each other's affection is a big part of the attraction."

DUDE, are you like 17 going on 12?  Grow the FU!  You have not met!  This is all spiraled up childs play.  Some things are just a test.  So far she knows you walk with the "tight jeans" group.  You probably drive 54 in a 55, pay your insurance 60 days early,  and go to the doctor every 3mo for a "check up".  Allow your sack to descend.  I swear if you have slick rick hair and drive a Prius, I am going to find you and slap you.....Of course with a glove, because I have Rhona

Edited September 4, 2020 by bobjon

[ShyViolet]

You have a perfectly valid reason for not meeting up with her or dating right now.  Your health and safety and that of your father's has to come first.  I don't think you should do a socially distanced meet, because it would only leave you frustrated if it goes well, not being able to progress it.  You've been honest with her that you can't meet as long as Covid is around.  Now she can make her own decision as to whether she's willing to wait around for you.  You do run the risk of losing her, but that's just a risk you are going to have to take.  When the threat of Covid is gone, you can see if she's still available.  And maybe she will be, maybe she won't be.

[Dork Vader]

14 hours ago, John987654321 said:

I'm open to that idea.  I actually thought about it.

Two things, though.

How would we be able to actually date?  I can't see how being physically distant is going to work for more than a meeting or two.  Am I missing something?

We both are also very affectionate.  I've actually had an overwhelming continuous urge to hug her for nearly a week now.  And I told her that (and she said that really made her smile).  How would that work?  Both of our desires for each other's affection is a big part of the attraction.

In addition, a lot of things that we mutually like to do, the virus has put on hiatus, so how would I get to show her the real and complete me?

You're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Plenty of ways to go on a date when everything is closed. You can meet up at a park for example. 

From there, I agree with Cali, if you keep pushing this you're going to ruin your chances with her. 

[Mystery4u]

15 hours ago, John987654321 said:

I'm open to that idea.  I actually thought about it.

Two things, though.

How would we be able to actually date?  I can't see how being physically distant is going to work for more than a meeting or two.  Am I missing something?

We both are also very affectionate.  I've actually had an overwhelming continuous urge to hug her for nearly a week now.  And I told her that (and she said that really made her smile).  How would that work?  Both of our desires for each other's affection is a big part of the attraction.

In addition, a lot of things that we mutually like to do, the virus has put on hiatus, so how would I get to show her the real and complete me?

Excuses, excuses and more excuses.

Yes you are missing something. It's just the first meet, you are thinking way too far ahead.

She's told you multiple times she wants to meet. You keep dismissing this instead of just meeting while keeping a distance which you very easily can do.

Only a matter of time until she meets someone else that doesn't just give excuses all the time and actually makes an effort.

[ExpatInItaly]

You won't be able to hang to her without meeting her, OP. She isn't going to wait. 

Eventually, she isn't going to keep the line of communication open. There's only so much you can do if you aren't able/willing to meet, man. Just the way it is. 

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, chillii said:

...is it possible for you both to just isolate for 2wks first then just drive straight to each other and meet. Or get tested then stay home until the result then drive straight to each other and meet, or something.

This^ seems a rather extreme thing to do for a first meet.

Prior to my boyfriend's return after being gone three months, we both self-isolated for two weeks but we've been in a relationship for 2.5 years. 

But for a first meet?   I wouldn't, but that's me.  Seems extreme.  You may not even click in person!

What does she do for a living?  Is her job high risk?  Is she maintaining social distance and wearing a mask when she ventures out?  Same question for you. 

Things are easing up, at least in my neck of the woods, which was very badly hit with the virus. 

Restaurants and cafe's are open for outdoor dining (many are opening indoor as well with a limited number of tables and people). 

But outdoor dining is fun!  On the weekends, roads are blocked off, tables on the streets (six feet apart), it feels very European.   

Other establishments are opening as well.  So there is plenty to do now.  At least here in California which was one of the hardest hit states in the US.

This is the new norm, best we get used to it. 

We as human beings need social interaction, we cannot isolate ourselves from others for long stretches, it can cause depression and/or other mental health issues.   That's not healthy either!  

Re your dad, if he is that high risk and exposure will potentially kill him, would you consider placing him in a care facility where he can be 100% safe and get the proper care he needs?  

Many care facilities allow for a certain independence and they have activities he can participate in as well.   

Everyone there is isolated from the outside so you can be assured he is safe from coronavirus.

I would not normally suggest this but we are living in unprecedented times right now.

You've got your life to live mate, I would think your dad would want that for you as well.

This virus is not going away anytime soon, it may very well be around for YEARS.

$.02

Edited September 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

I honestly do not think anyone is particularly safe from the virus in a care home...
 

[smackie9]

You have one of two choices, stop putting her on hold and going out on hold, and just quit both. She's not going to wait, she's going to go out with someone else eventually if she hasn't already.

Or you can do social distancing (6 ft apart), and mask up...meet at an open space like a park. As for your father, if you are not in physical contact with him, you are all good. As long as you wash and sanitize your hands, wipe those groceries/items down with a disinfectant, toss away the bags and drop off with a mask on and gloves...you are doing it right. Maybe get some masks for your dad so he can go out for a walk with you. As we go along, we have discovered, these rules work real well. It's those who have been going to bars/parties/out door events with mass people without a care are spreading the virus.

I'm still working, I still go shopping, but I have changed how I do it. So far so good. Where I live masking up is going to be made mandatory....transit, and large stores are already doing it.

[smackie9]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I honestly do not think anyone is particularly safe from the virus in a care home...
 

Yes you are right. It's brought in by staff. Here it's lack of funding, staff, PPE, and responsibility....so staff were working at more than one facility spreading it. The government made swift changes to that. My mom's place, zero outbreak. Strict rules were in place immediately when it happened....but hers is private. It was the public funded ones that got the outbreak.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

As we go along, we have discovered, these rules work real well. It's those who have been going to bars/parties/out door events with mass people without a care are spreading the virus.

Not necessarily.
A few recent outbreaks in the UK have been caused by spread in houses. Some are due to large house parties but others have been just people meeting friends and families in houses.
Local lockdowns have allowed bars and hospitality to continue, but have banned people from meeting in houses. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes you are right. It's brought in by staff. Here it's lack of funding, staff, PPE, and responsibility....so staff were working at more than one facility spreading it. The government made swift changes to that. My mom's place, zero outbreak. Strict rules were in place immediately when it happened....but hers is private. It was the public funded ones that got the outbreak.

In the UK many many homes are privately owned and many many of them were badly affected.
Profit before people...

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily.
A few recent outbreaks in the UK have been caused by spread in houses. Some are due to large house parties but others have been just people meeting friends and families in houses.
Local lockdowns have allowed bars and hospitality to continue, but have banned people from meeting in houses. 

Of course, they have implemented to keep your social bubble small which those people didn't. Me, I don't go to anyone's house, but my husband does. But he meets just one person at a time out of 3, and it's usually outside or in their garage. He doesn't go into their house, unless to use the bathroom, and the wives keep it wiped down before and after use. I have never seen my husband wash his hands so much lol

[smackie9]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

In the UK many many homes are privately owned and many many of them were badly affected.
Profit before people...

Our private homes start at 6K to over 10K a month...top notch. If people started getting sick, that's loss of profit, and going bankrupt here. We have socialist medical here. Long waits for surgery, 6 hour wait at emergency, 3 hour waits at clinics, no more family doctors, over worked staff, care homes in total neglect, etc. This virus has exasperated the issues.

[Alpacalia]

On 9/3/2020 at 11:58 AM, John987654321 said:

Close contact puts my father's life in danger until a vaccine and / or a treatment becomes available, so that is off the table TEMPORARILY.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle this, to keep the communication line open?

I think that's an important factor that needs to be taken into consideration.  Given the OP helps care for his father, he does not feel comfortable with the possibility that he could potentially infect his father. 

At least not without quarantining for the recommended two weeks.

I wish I could be of more help but I get where the OP is coming from in that regard.

[chillii]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This^ seems a rather extreme thing to do for a first meet.

Prior to my boyfriend's return after being gone three months, we both self-isolated for two weeks but we've been in a relationship for 2.5 years. 

But for a first meet?   I wouldn't, but that's me.  Seems extreme.  You may not even click in person!

What does she do for a living?  Is her job high risk?  Is she maintaining social distance and wearing a mask when she ventures out?  Same question for you. 

Things are easing up, at least in my neck of the woods, which was very badly hit with the virus. 

Restaurants and cafe's are open for outdoor dining (many are opening indoor as well with a limited number of tables and people). 

But outdoor dining is fun!  On the weekends, roads are blocked off, tables on the streets (six feet apart), it feels very European.   

Other establishments are opening as well.  So there is plenty to do now.  At least here in California which was one of the hardest hit states in the US.

This is the new norm, best we get used to it. 

We as human beings need social interaction, we cannot isolate ourselves from others for long stretches, it can cause depression and/or other mental health issues.   That's not healthy either!  

Re your dad, if he is that high risk and exposure will potentially kill him, would you consider placing him in a care facility where he can be 100% safe and get the proper care he needs?  

Many care facilities allow for a certain independence and they have activities he can participate in as well.   

Everyone there is isolated from the outside so you can be assured he is safe from coronavirus.

I would not normally suggest this but we are living in unprecedented times right now.

You've got your life to live mate, I would think your dad would want that for you as well.

This virus is not going away anytime soon, it may very well be around for YEARS.

$.02

 

Like l said to him , don't know how bad things are there where he is and he is concerned about his dad and rightly so.

But yeah l agree l'd meet too , easily wangled one way or other and in a lot of places people still aren't even going out anyway so in a natural isolation anyway right now and should be right.

 

 

 

 

Edited September 4, 2020 by chillii

[Versacehottie]

On 9/3/2020 at 12:39 PM, John987654321 said:

I'm open to that idea.  I actually thought about it.

Two things, though.

How would we be able to actually date?  I can't see how being physically distant is going to work for more than a meeting or two.  Am I missing something?

We both are also very affectionate.  I've actually had an overwhelming continuous urge to hug her for nearly a week now.  And I told her that (and she said that really made her smile).  How would that work?  Both of our desires for each other's affection is a big part of the attraction.

In addition, a lot of things that we mutually like to do, the virus has put on hiatus, so how would I get to show her the real and complete me?

I think that if you did a distanced meeting and it went well; she'd be right back to this level of frustration and you'd be in the same predicament having passed the first stop gate.  It's just an unfortunate position to be in.  Although I can understand hers, I think if she cared about your concerns with your dad she'd work the pressure she is putting on you differently.  

I agree with her original answer of just get back in touch with her (or sporadic contact until that point) when it becomes safer.  Unfortunately it's a moving target & perhaps a long way off.  Idk, yours is a tough position to be in, but 100% I would stick with protecting your dad by not seeing her.  I'm surprised that strangers on the internet care more about your dad's safety than she does kinda.  If she does care about you, it's a no brainer.