Affair withdrawal

[SMoore]

I am 3 months out of a 16 month affair and the pain has been unbelievable.  My wife does not know and I have rationalised the feelings through researching heartbreak/limerence etc.  What is strange is that, although she ended it, I was on the same page and knew it couldn’t go on.  I’d seen too many red flags that I’d tried to ignore but knew ultimately they meant I wouldn’t risk leaving my wife and family for.  I just couldn’t leave and set up as a single man in the hope that my AP and I might make a go of it.  I might have considered it after about six months if we’d have left our spouses to make a go of it together, but she didn’t want to do it that way.  She’d also cheated 3 yrs previously, admitted she enjoyed men’s company to socialise with more than women, kept telling me how men would stare at her as she walked down the street, she texted men friends all the time and kept me informed about every man who had made a pass at her (three or four in the time I knew her) - so trust was getting to be a big issue (these things do add up to a bunch of red flags, right?!).

I certainly felt that I loved her and the first 10 months were amazingly erotic.  However, it was logistically difficult especially after she got a new job, left her husband, moved and then lockdown.  We had little opportunity for sex but when we eventually did I found it hard to perform - just didn’t feel like we connected the way we used to.  Soon after she called it off.

So why is this still so painful?!  I have waves of absolute pain filled grief and depression, but I agreed it should be over.  Perhaps it’s guilt or shame or the death of a dream.  The pain is phenomenal!

Anyone else experienced this?

Have never done this before and never will again.  I believed it was real love at the start, had never experienced anything like it and just walked right into it.  So naive.

I immediately went non-contact and miss her so much.  Yet I wouldn’t have her back if she asked.  So painful.

[schlumpy]

I think it's common for someone to grieve after they lose a person that they felt was integral to their life. There is also the rejection.

I wouldn't make too many promises about "never again" until the pain subsides. You didn't stop the affair out of concern your wife and family. Your AP put a stop to it. Your post is all about you and very little about the people that should be your primary concern.

I suggest you go to therapy before this happens again. The why is very important.

[SMoore]

Thanks Schlumpy

It does come across a bit like that, I agree. I am in therapy actually and have given a lot of thought to the things you mention.  In the early months of the affair I was close to being willing to sacrifice anything.   In hindsight that is a scary and terrible admission, but have since learned how common it is and the science behind it.

I think I’ll know to run a mile if it ever looks like it might happen again.  It was all fantasy, both of us projecting stuff into each other.  Yet it felt so intense and perfect and real.

I suppose I was rejected, but it’s a bit irrelevant as if she hadn’t got there first I would have finished it myself.  Neither of us could provide what the other wanted or needed.

She has contacted me a couple of times but there’s no going back, despite this god awful pain.  I’m staying no contact cos the sooner I’m psychologically sound the better.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you have break-up limerence. It will eventually fade, it'll just take a lot longer than you'd like.

[C52]

You were willing to leave your wife if your AP had agreed to be with you in the early stages. What does that tell you about your actual feelings for your wife?

Have you been married long? Kids? Finances okay? Are you staying merely because your AP didn't turn out to be trustworthy (shocker) or because you truly have feelings for your wife.

Don't use your wife as a placeholder. How would she react to the knowledge that you were unfaithful to her for over a year? Think about those things and explore them with your IC.

[Amethyst68]

Why are you staying married?

I'm not asking why you didn't leave for your AP. You've made it clear she was too fond or too interested in other men for you.

What I'm asking is why stay married because there's not one word that indicates you're the slightest bit interested, or invested in your marriage never mind your wife. 

[SMoore]

Thanks for responses.

Married 20 yrs, three teenagers.  We function well as a team, neither of us have had any other long term relationships, I guess there’s co-dependency there.  There is certainly fear of being single (exploring this with therapist) but it’s not just that.  I’m staying because there is love there and obligation too.  Finances are strong enough to be able to sell house and for us both to start again, but I’m not in that place yet.

There was a time when I was so caught up in it I could have allowed her to feel the pain but it wasn’t for long and I shocked myself that I had that in me.  The only way forward is to work on the marriage and rekindle what we had if that’s possible.  I owe them that.

 I don’t feel as invested in my marriage as I should be (obvs).  I wish things were different and I am trying harder now.

The post was less about my marriage, which I admit needs more attention, and just a way to scream about this withdrawal pain.  It’s unbelievably ferocious and it’s shaken me.

I know there’s a morality issue which is my burden, but this post is about something else.

[Amethyst68]

You know you need to let your wife know because she needs to be tested for STIs. It doesn't matter if you've been tested because they don't test men for HPV and that can lead to cancer for women.

Trust me, I lost a close family member because her husband chose not to disclose his affair.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, SMoore said:

neither of us have had any other long term relationships

Specific to HPV, it sounds like it's possible for her to have gotten it in a STR prior to the marriage (which would be at a time before this virus was well-recognized as being potentially carcinogenic). So if that is a worry, she should be tested for it regardless of whether you decide to tell her about this or not. Also YOU could have gotten it in a prior STR and given it to her that way.

That said, you should probably get tested for STIs and see if you DID get anything else though. If you did - yep, not telling her would be completely unethical and risking her safety, as she needs to get tested.

[SMoore]

Thanks both

Yes, I’ll look into this.

So much regret, want to make this a turning point somehow.  Just need to stabilise the emotional trauma and depression.  Been going on 3 months, surely it can’t go on much longer....?

[mark clemson]

IF it's true limerence, unfortunately, it can go on several months, even up to a couple of years. However, IF you can make it impossible to see the other person (or quite close) then your brain may start to "leave you alone" and the worst of it subsides. If it's regular break up blues, then I'm not sure - maybe a few months.

Do things to make/keep yourself happy in the meantime to help take the edge off. Time in nature boosts serotonin, exercise/working out boost endogenous opiates, socializing with (platonic) friends and time with your wife boost dopamine, "cute" thing like kids and kitten videos, cuddling with your wife, and/or doing things that help others boost oxytocin.

IF it's truly limerence, then your brain will in theory will be particularly low on serotonin, making it harder to feel "content" without the (specific) partner. Time in nature can counteract this a little, but the effect is subtle - it just helps take the edge off. Limerence apparently involves brain changes which can't just be shut off - they DO reverse in time, but it is a "natural" process that must be gone through and will take the several months (at a minimum) needed.

If you don't think of her "a bit obsessively" with "obtrusive thoughts" on a fairly regular basis, then you probably don't have limerence. You could read the article about it on Wikipedia if you're not sure.

[Amethyst68]

Specific to HPV, you know your AP had at least one other affair so that's at least one other man she's had sex with as well her husband and you don't know their sexual histories. At this point her being the only other woman you've had sex with doesn't really matter, you also have to take the sexual history of all her partners into consideration.

People live with HPV every day, it's the knowledge of it that's important. That allows the person to deal with it, get treatment to manage it.

[SMoore]

Thanks people.  Much appreciated 

[elaine567]

The problem here is that you have been catapulted from a pleasant and exciting situation with lots of lovely sex, back into your old "nice" but boring life, with little hope of turning that around.
Not only did your OW reject you but she rejected you when you found it difficult to have sex with her.
You went from hero to zero in a short period of time, from "da man" with two women in tow, to a man who found it difficult to perform...
i know you said you were about to end it, but really? or is that just your ego talking?...

I guess the affair suited you, you felt good, but it all turned bad pretty quick and now what do you really have to look forward to...?
Yes you could find another OW, but with the spectre of "performance issues" hanging over you, you are scared... scared to leave, scared to stay...
 

[Bittersweetie]

Just anecdotal, but I was diagnosed with HPV and it was the reason I confessed to my husband. In my situation, it's likely I got it from my AP (he had more partners than I knew about, and I stupidly did not protect myself). Please get tested and be ready to share if something comes back positive.

I think the most important part is to find out why you thought it was okay to make the choices you did. And many times the first reason that rises to the surface is not the true reason...it takes peeling the onion over and over again to find out the true why. For me, I expected my husband to make me happy, and when he wasn't, I looked elsewhere. Now I know the only person responsible for my happiness is me.

Your affair was 16 months, which is a long time to deceive your spouse. Think about why you were okay with that. Think about why you were okay with many choices you made. Think about what kind of person you want to be moving forward and how that affects your marriage. Of course there is a withdrawal from the "hits" one gets from their AP. After d-day, I still desired the "hits" even though I wanted nothing to do with xMM himself. I learned to get "hits" elsewhere, like through chocolate or exercise. As my kid's teacher says, I retrained my brain. It takes time and perseverance. Good luck. 

[SMoore]

Yes, there is that.  Although it’s a bit more nuanced.

I never felt the way you’re implying though.  I felt I was in love.  We were both giddy with it.  We had very little sex.  There was just no opportunity as we both lead very busy lives.  When eventually, almost a year after starting, we got the chance as she had moved out and her husband was not tracking her movements, we had already been through the initial sparks-flying stage and things had started to become a bit strained between us.  The performance issue totally threw me at the time but I kind of get it now, and I’ve no doubt that was the final straw for her.  If we were really soulmates we’d have worked through it but clearly we weren’t and it was just a fantasy, and the bubble had burst.

We both knew we were running out of steam and it was coming to an end.  Especially with lockdown, the whole thing was unsustainable.  It was heartbreaking and nothing (at least, not in the way you mean) to do with my ego, although I can see how that might fit easily into a stereotype.  We cared deeply for each other, after all.

You’re absolutely right about coming back down to Earth though.  I went from a long period of being in a technicolour world to coming back to a monochrome one.  A horrendous experience.  Hellish to live through.  Things are improving though, and some colour is starting to seep back in.

What do I have to look forward to?  Well, there are many good things in my life.  I just need to recognise them and prioritise them with intentionality, and not take things for granted.  I know I could have lost everything.

I have no intention of finding another OW or putting myself through this again, ever.  I’ll divorce before trying to find another (although, you are right, the thought scares me).

 I did it because I fell in love and imagined that it was special and pure and right.  I wasn’t after sex particularly, although the two go hand in hand.  I was naive; but perhaps there was vanity in it too.  Perhaps I believed I deserved a fairytale romance.  But life isn’t a Disney film, I know.  And trying to warp reality to turn it into one was a big mistake that I won’t be making again.

 I understand it’s hard for people to sympathise, but really I’m only expressing an experience of pain, sadness and tragedy.  That’s all.  And wanting to know if others have felt this pain.

It was foolish but also very human; I know my shadow a lot better now, and each one of us is good and evil combined.  This experience has shown me a real dark side to my nature, I admit that.  But it’s a human nature that is lurking in us all.  The way in which it happened is psychologically fascinating as well as utterly catastrophic.

They should teach this stuff in school.  The biology of limerence, the way that affairs are glamorised in the media, the destruction they cause to the self (this seems to me to be a fairly under-examined area on these forums, for obvious emotive reasons) as well as potentially those around you.  My naivety and moral weakness caught me out.  I was sleepwalking when it happened.  I hope I know better now.

[SMoore]

Thanks bittersweetie, just read your reply.

I’m not sure I was okay with it, I was always conflicted but compartmentalised quite effectively.

 I agree that there are reasons.  My therapist is getting me there, back to childhood which is all a bit revelatory.

 I appreciate the kind words, thank you.  I’m determined that good will come out of this.

[Amethyst68]

Quote

special and pure and right.

Really? That's how you'd describe it?

You chose to lie every single day to the people, to the woman you swore to love and protect but your affair was "pure".🙁

 

[SMoore]

Well, I said ‘imagined’, which is kind of my point.  I try and choose my words carefully, be great if you could read them carefully too.

Anyway, I feel better for venting so thanks for reading my story everyone.

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 9/4/2020 at 10:20 AM, mark clemson said:

IF it's true limerence, unfortunately, it can go on several months, even up to a couple of years. However, IF you can make it impossible to see the other person (or quite close) then your brain may start to "leave you alone" and the worst of it subsides. If it's regular break up blues, then I'm not sure - maybe a few months.

Do things to make/keep yourself happy in the meantime to help take the edge off. Time in nature boosts serotonin, exercise/working out boost endogenous opiates, socializing with (platonic) friends and time with your wife boost dopamine, "cute" thing like kids and kitten videos, cuddling with your wife, and/or doing things that help others boost oxytocin.

IF it's truly limerence, then your brain will in theory will be particularly low on serotonin, making it harder to feel "content" without the (specific) partner. Time in nature can counteract this a little, but the effect is subtle - it just helps take the edge off. Limerence apparently involves brain changes which can't just be shut off - they DO reverse in time, but it is a "natural" process that must be gone through and will take the several months (at a minimum) needed.

If you don't think of her "a bit obsessively" with "obtrusive thoughts" on a fairly regular basis, then you probably don't have limerence. You could read the article about it on Wikipedia if you're not sure.

What exactly is limeremce??

[mark clemson]

This isn't exactly perfect, but is close enough.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Sometimes a video or two is worth a thousand words:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyAK7qPeHY0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vKsSGyQf-M