Marie87 Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 (edited) I only asked for a separation on the 1st. I've been consuming myself with work the last two days yet today is my first day off since asking for the separation. I was fine the 1st half of the day when I was keeping myself busy but I asked my spouse to find somewhere else to stay this evening, I want him to take this seriously. My heart is aching but I realize this is a step in the right direction. What should I do if I don't want to break the news to family and friends? Everytime one of my children leave the room I start crying. I try to play it off when my children re-enter the room but I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up. 10 years is such a long time to be with someone and although my husband has hurt me he's still my best friend and I still love him. We have our gender reveal scheduled for the 20th and he doesn't want to tell anyone at this point but how long should I wait before breaking the news to our loved ones? Edited September 3, 2020 by Marie87 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 How serious are his transgressions Marie? If they a serious enough to break the marriage from your point of view then he gets no say as to when, where, and how. That is up to you and what you need to do that will get you through the grief, shock and anger. He doesn't get to decide anymore. He has to earn his way back in. So, depending on what his sins are you can set your own timetable without his input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marie87 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 @schlumpy I have a previous post summing up our history on how we got to this point. Short summary 2 affairs (3 years ago) and now using RX that aren't his (his reasoning is to make it through the long work days/week). Needless to say I told him I was not ok with this and if I caught him doing this again or found out he was lying I would file for separation. He used again and I told him I'm done. I'm struggling bc I keep SO much of my life private from family/friends for fear of judgment. He was there for me when I was going through a huge life change and saw some very dark sides of me in the beginning of our relationship and stood by my side. Ultimately I believe this is why I'm so forgiving (bc I feel like I owe it to him) alongside not wanting to be a failed couple. I would love if he could get his priorities straight bc he has many good qualities but I'm afraid if I forgive him again he will let me down again. TORN Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 You don't have to hate him. You just have to get yourself to let go and move on. It seems to me you have plenty of reasons to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 I understand that the raw question here is "how long should you wait before breaking the news to family and friends?" (and that sounds like an arbitrary-ish answer that only you can find) But, as a means through which to help you conclude that answer... I suggest that you try to separate two things as follows: A) HIM-him (with his actions, and his disregard for your ultimatims, etc.) B) YOUR emotional investment IN him. (which is something you should cherish and respect and congratulate yourSELF for having been able to make and retain for all these years) HE the individual brought himself to this point, by not recognizing what was best for your union... and that had zero to do with your emotional investment IN that union. So once you can feel yourself separating those two... and holding in high regard the latter, while assessing the former with objectivity about his CHOICES. Then it should become more clear, and easier, to follow-through with informing everyone of your separation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marie87 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 @SincereOnlineGuy Thank you for the sincere response. I sit here re-reading your comments and it puts many things in perspective. We sometimes let our hearts lead massive decisions and it truly helps when others put in their perspective. I still need time but your point of view really help me see things clearly. Music has been helping me through much of my emotions and the song that best sums up my husband is by Brand New "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" Link to post Share on other sites
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