Is this a mental illness?

[Argentina]

I have posted before in the abuse section. I have been with my husband for 6 years and experienced intermittent episodes of verbal, emotional and physical abuse about every 1-2 months. We recently separated and in the last week he has seen his counsellor and agreed to commence an anger management course. We hope to reconcile, but I have stressed that I will not tolerate abuse like that anymore. Over the last few years I have wondered if there is more to this than just an anger problem. There is a whole lot of childhood problems that I believe have contributed to his anger problem. However, there are some unusual characteristics about him that make me wonder if there is a mental illness component here.

For instance; he is constantly wound up and stressed. He gets incredibly anxious when he is due to go out anywhere, even when there is no time constraints. He rushes around, accidentally bumping into things, drops things. Tells the whole family to get out of his way etc. Consequently forgets things and often has to come back to the house 5 minutes later. Whenever we are doing housework he is always doing it at a high stressed, fast pace. Racing about like we are expecting 20 guests for dinner or something. He constantly remarks that if he doesn't do the work, it won't get done. Which is ridiculous because I am a very tidy and clean person and take pride in my home. He has a great deal of problem just relaxing and sitting still. His form of relaxation is drinking alcohol in front of the TV 2 nights a week. He occasionally takes sleeping pills to go to sleep at night. Tonight he has got really fanatical about an unfinished bottle of wine in the fridge. Asking me if I wanted a glass. I said no, but maybe later. He didn't look pleased at this response. A while later he pours it for me and then an hour or so later sees that I haven't drank much and says "are you going to drink that or what?" It isn't so much what he is saying, but the tone. Everything is such a big deal!

He has always talked a lot but in the last year it has got considerably worse. He doesn't have conversation with a person, he lectures. My relatives have noticed this and made some remarks to me about it. I must admit I find it quite embarrassing. A few weeks ago, my husband, myself and my mum went out for lunch. The whole hour that we were there he just talked non-stop about movies, actors, politics etc. No-one else can get a word in. If someone tries to change the subject, it is like he doesn't hear and just goes back to what he was talking about. He repeats things over and over again.

He has a short fuse. Our arguments are over silly domestic things like doors being opened when they should be closed. Or I ask him to try to remember to switch the lights off and he takes offence, gets angry and stays angry for hours or even days. He can get obsessive about using the right dishcloth for the dishes or changing the hand-towels etc. He is very particular about how things are done. His concentration level is terrible at home. He cannot concentrate on reading or watching tv unless there is complete quiet. In fact he doesn't really read (by his own admission he can never concentrate enough to absorb the information).

However, saying all that he never has any problems in his job. He is thought of as a very reliable and good worker and very rarely makes a mistake. At home, in between his episodes of hyperactivity, hypersensitivity and over-reactions he can be a very confident, rational person. His mood can change dramatically within minutes or hours. If I am running late one day he will say "don't worry. just get here when you can" and then the next day he will be ringing me because I am 3 minutes late home!

I don't know. Maybe I am just looking for an excuse for his abusive behaviour but on the other hand there are some behaviours that don't quite seem normal to me. I am at my wits end now. Don't know what the next move is. He has been on a low dose anti-depressant for about a year but I don't honestly think this has made any difference. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Outcast]

There is NO excuse for abusive behaviour but it's true that a brain illness might contribute to his behaviour. From all you describe, it's quite possible he's suffering from a disorder of some sort. What sort of counsellor is he seeing? Is it a psychologist or psychiatrist or is it a general counsellor? Because he needs to be seen by a professional who can make a proper diagnosis. Talk therapy won't help much if there's an underlying untreated disorder.

[Craig]

What it the name of the antidepressant he is on? Is it a tricyclic to help him sleep at night?

 

From the sounds of it the doc that prescribed the medication isn't aware of what is going on in his life and how it affects the people around him. You need to talk to his doc and let him know what is going on.

 

I'm not a doc but a survivor of a domestic violence (dv) situation and go to a support group for survivors of dv. One of the guys there has a wife that is on Paxil (an SSRI) and a low dose anti-convulsant drug that seems to be working well to control her bouts of rage. She was arrested after being caught red handed by the police trying to do some extreme physical violence to him.

 

If your h is being abusive I highly recommend that you get yourself into a dv center in your area and start counseling and/or get into a support group for survivors of dv.

 

The relationship between abuser and victim/survivor is not one sided. The survivor/victim plays a role as well and while there is no excuse for violence the survivor can make their life better.

 

Final word of advice. Next time he gets physically abusive with you call the police. It's for his own good and your own good. He needs a wake up call and getting arrested could be it. For the first arrest on a dv charge he'll likely get diverted into counseling including anger management and not do any jail time (unless he causes you some great bodily harm.) All of the counseling and anger management may not do any good however. If he is a hard case you may have to leave him permanently. The hard core abusers that are diverted into counseling programs sometimes just learn how to abuse their victims without committing an offense that they can get arrested for.

 

Does your h have a mental illness? Perhaps but only a qualified doc can make that assessment. Sometimes a person doesn't have one mental illness but two or more. If his current medication is not having the desired effect then his doc needs to know and he needs to change meds. Finding the right med or combination of meds for him may require him to try several different drugs or combinations of drugs.

[JadeStar]

Wow sounds like alot of things combined. Maybe the counselor will not only suggest anger management classes for him, which thats sounds like it could stem from chilhood, but maybe the counselor can also get to the root of these other problems as well. I'm not a doctor but sounds like he might be possibly suffering from adult ADHD and some OCD(Obessive Compulsive Disorder). Hopefully they can find out for sure whats going on.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[rschief]

sounds like he is bi pollar, mannic depressive dissorders. i am on wellobutrin and need tagatron to offset the issue I have with poor consitration and dealing with others expectations of me, and causes lashing out. thing here he is trying, is he really taking the meds or just saying it because he most likley believes it is not working either. deffinite signs he and you are not growing together, but apart. and when a realationship looses its magical bonding then doubt seeks in, in both parties, and children. It becomes a feeding frenzy. I suggest a to seek a christian church also. you must see a counsouler also seperatly to deal with your emmotions and guilt, or even someone just to raise your voice to so you know they hear you.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I think my h is bipolar because he can be one way one minute then in a split second be another way !! Almost like he has a split personality . I have often wondered if he had some kind of disorder because sometimes his temper can reach his limit and not make you want to be around him.. My h had child hood issues like your h but the thing you describe don't sound like the way my h acts!!! I have always if it was bipolar or OCD like Jade mentioned!!! Good luck