Bf left me because I was too insecure?

[CalipsoRose]

Me and my bf had a great relationship but I noticed he was always adding random new local girls on instagram. I knew this was a red flag since my ex's who would do this used to cheat on me. I told him this made me uncomfortable because of my past wounds, and how I wasnt adding random guys. He got mad at me and said it was no big deal, and he would continue to do it.

I noticed on his phone, he would often have "5 unread instagram messages" or "12 unread instagram messages" and "10 unread text messages" constantly. It made me wonder who all these people he was talking to were.

We had a fight after I noticed he sent a fire emoji to a woman who sent him a video in a instagram message. He said "Find a solution to your problems before I walk away from these problems." I said "Please dont threaten to leave me every time we get into an argument." He said "Its not a threat its a promise."

Well, he did leave me four days ago and I found out its because he has already been seeing someone else since 3 weeks ago but claims she is just a friend, yeah right, a friend he met on a dating site.

I am so heartbroken over this and the fact that he used my insecurity to blame everything on me. Was I wrong for doing that to him?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting.  But it sounds like the two of you weren't compatible.  

With an issue like this, it was right to say something about how you feel.  But when he said that it was no big deal and he would continue to do it, you should have believed him.  And you should have left him then because his actions didn't show him as relationship material

Regarding giving reasons for ending it....the decision to end a relationship generally isn't based on facts, rather they are based on how we feel.   His view is that the relationship ended because he couldn't deal with your insecurity.  And he's entitled to his feelings.   And had you dumped him, it would have been totally fair for you to feel that he was clearly not invested enough in you to stop flirting with other women.   And he would have been mad about your reason, but nonetheless, it would have been an excellent reason.

You can do better than this.  Next time, when someone shows you who they are and it's not good, believe them and leave them.

Edited September 4, 2020 by basil67

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I noticed he was always adding random new local girls on instagram.

then the inevitable

4 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Well, he did leave me four days ago and I found out its because he has already been seeing someone else since 3 weeks ago

Guys add local girls to their SM, because they are still looking for other options.

A red flag was fluttering and you chose to ignore it.
You thought you could tell him to stop and he would, but that was naive thinking.
Smart thinking would have been to walk away asap.
He left you NOT because you were insecure, you had every right to be insecure. His actions made you insecure.
He left because he was never "all in" with you.

[schlumpy]

6 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am so heartbroken over this and the fact that he used my insecurity to blame everything on me. Was I wrong for doing that to him?

I do not see insecurity here. I see a lack of self confidence.

It should have been you leaving instead of him. Who wouldn't be insecure when your SO is cheating right under your nose.

You clearly saw what was going on. You have experience and knew what it meant and yet you could not pull the trigger - Why?

Was the sex that good? Was he that good looking? Did you have that deep connection?

You should re-evaluate what you are looking for in a boyfriend or long-term-partner. You are not making the right choice.

Learn to value yourself.

 

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am so heartbroken over this and the fact that he used my insecurity to blame everything on me. Was I wrong for doing that to him?

You didn't do anything to him.  He was a bully who didn't take your feelings into account.  Re-read what you wrote:  He USED your insecurities against you.  

He was not a good guy.  You dodged a bullet.  In time you will see that it's a blessing in disguise that he's out of your life. 

I'm not a fan of adding random people on social media.  I think it's silly.  I also put little stock in it.  Going forward I think you may need to make some peace with peoples' on line activity but here you had a bad prior experience with your 1st EX & now this guy was openly flirting with other women & gaslighting you about it.  All in all I can understand why this is an issue for you. 

Next time date a more respectful man.  

[elaine567]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not a fan of adding random people on social media

I doubt they were actually "random".
They were local and no doubt women he found attractive and/or who he felt he had a chance with...

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I doubt they were actually "random".
They were local and no doubt women he found attractive and/or who he felt he had a chance with...

That makes his behavior all the more insulting to the OP but I have no problem adding people one knows on social media.  My issue is with adding random people  

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My issue is with adding random people

I think it depends on what you use social media for.
Some use it for close friends and family, some use it to join hobby/interest groups, some use it to promote themselves or their business.
Obviously those  who use it for family stuff will not be adding randoms, but if you have a less personal group or you are out to find a mate then why not?

 

[CalipsoRose]

It hurts knowing he had already been seeing her for 3 weeks prior to me ending things with him...he was busy for 3 fridays in a row saying he was out with friends when usually thats the day we would see each other. Two of those fridays I didnt hear from him at all, one of those fridays he texted me "What are you doing?" I said "Watching tv you?" and he didnt reply, this was at 9 pm. I know he was with her. 

Then when I would see him, he was always on his phone texting someone. It makes me sick to think that today is Friday and hes going to be with her tonight, I just know it. It hurts knowing they have already kissed, etc. I dont know how he could have discarded and replaced me so easily. I thought we had something real based on all the loving things he said to me. I feel like such a fool. She must be better than me, well not in reality, but in his eyes she is. Thats what stings. 

He is not grieving me like I am grieving him, he is too busy enjoying his new exciting partner, free of drama.

Edited September 4, 2020 by CalipsoRose

[schlumpy]

Rose you have to grieve and move on. He's probably saying the same things to her. It's not from his heart its from a script on how to manipulate woman. If you could listen to him I am sure the same pattern is used in every relationship he has. He carefully selects a woman such as yourself that will respond to the script and then be passive.

You can change this. It's all you have control over. Get your mind of him and focus on yourself. You are more important.

Look up the 180. Type "cheating 180" into your browser and look over the various versions. It will help you if you let it.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am so heartbroken over this and the fact that he used my insecurity to blame everything on me. Was I wrong for doing that to him?

No, he cheated on you, and when you started figuring it out he used the threat of leaving to keep you around for a few weeks longer. That was wrong and I agree with the above, extremely manipulative. What he really needs to do is be honest that he multidates and find those that are comfortable with it, but it seems like he has some need to do this instead, unfortunately, and you are a victim of it.

Agree with the above - heal up, move on. Don't let him drag you back into any of his "stuff" (I suspect he will try), rebuff him and stay NC. He needs to get all this out of his system before he can become a safe LT partner. Meanwhile, you need to find a different, emotionally safer partner.

I suspect he has narcissistic tendencies, and all his professions of love meant little but were just done to get you into bed and "under his spell" emotionally. Notice how cold he turned when you "got out of line". These people will chew up and spit out emotionally sincere partners, so in the longer term YOU HAVE DODGED A BULLET HERE.

Edited September 4, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

I am not sure if he "multidates" or he just monkey branched from the OP onto another woman.

[CalipsoRose]

I agree he had narc tendencies, any little thing I brought up to him for clarification about another female, I was instantly met with rage instead of understanding. Yes, I would call what he did monkey branching as it seems to be only one female hes now with, but I cant know for sure. It was so blatant, almost in my face. Do monkey branching relationships work out? I blocked him on everything, the only thing I cant block him on is my work email so he can potentially email me there but no, I dont want him back even though being replaced like this feels like an ego death, just awful wondering what he saw in her that he liked more.

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Do monkey branching relationships work out?

Some do some don't it really depends.
If he was just desperately looking for someone to leave you for, a soft lading then perhaps no, but if he was looking for something better and found it, then perhaps yes, as long as she feels the same...

[mark clemson]

Of course, IF he actually has substantial narc tendencies or other major issues, then "it working out" may simply mean a new and different woman is the one stuck emotionally and being subject to his abuse. "Ability to put up with it" may mean more than looks, personality, etc. But who knows...

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I noticed he was always adding random new local girls on instagram. I knew this was a red flag since my ex's who would do this used to cheat on me. I told him this made me uncomfortable because of my past wounds, and how I wasnt adding random guys.

Was I wrong for doing that to him?

No, but when he clearly told you:

Quote

He got mad at me and said it was no big deal, and he would continue to do it.

That was your cue to end this and move on. He was never going to stop doing it--that's what you're not getting. 

Quote

He is not grieving me like I am grieving him,

He doesn't view your relationship the same way you do and you mistakenly assumed that he did. That's the problem.

Doesn't matter who you weren't adding or what you weren't doing: he wasn't checking for you like that and he didn't care about your past wounds.

If he was always adding local chicks to his IG, then that means he's been doing it since the start of your relationship and you stuck around---that's basically you giving him the green light to do it from early on. Why would he stop? There were no consequences to his actions that he feared enough to stop.

I'm not blaming you for it--I"m pointing out that you cannot keep indulging someone disrespecting you and thinking that they are going to magically flip into someone they weren't interested in being for you.  Somewhere along your relationship's path, he changed his mind about you and demoted your esteem and his responsibility to acting like he's got some sense of respect for you.

BTW--is this the same guy you were seeing back in March 2016 that you were having problems with?

 

[spiderowl]

11 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

It hurts knowing he had already been seeing her for 3 weeks prior to me ending things with him...he was busy for 3 fridays in a row saying he was out with friends when usually thats the day we would see each other. Two of those fridays I didnt hear from him at all, one of those fridays he texted me "What are you doing?" I said "Watching tv you?" and he didnt reply, this was at 9 pm. I know he was with her. 

Then when I would see him, he was always on his phone texting someone. It makes me sick to think that today is Friday and hes going to be with her tonight, I just know it. It hurts knowing they have already kissed, etc. I dont know how he could have discarded and replaced me so easily. I thought we had something real based on all the loving things he said to me. I feel like such a fool. She must be better than me, well not in reality, but in his eyes she is. Thats what stings. 

He is not grieving me like I am grieving him, he is too busy enjoying his new exciting partner, free of drama.

OP, he is not a good guy.  He was chatting up other women whilst with you.  Whatever he said to you, he was a womanizer.  He has probably done this to other women.

You weren't insecure, you just tolerated bad behaviour from him.  The way to end up with someone decent is to discard those who are not.  You might feel you are losing by dumping guys who don't meet your standards but strangely enough it has the opposite effect - don't ask me why.  

I know you are sad and hurt now but you have lost a lying creep.  It is actually a good thing he has gone.  You are honest and genuine; the right guy is going to appreciate those qualities and share them.  You were dating the wrong guy for you.

[ShyViolet]

You weren't insecure, you were just simply observing his behavior and getting rightly concerned about it.  And it turns out you were RIGHT.  I wouldn't call that insecure.  And then any time you tried to say something about his behavior, he would get enraged and turn it around on you, try to make you feel like you're the one with the problem, not him.  This guy sounds like a total jerk and you're better off without him.