Love2015 Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) Guy I dated for 7 months back in 2017-18 has come back. We randomly would message these past two years but because he showed signs of only wanting sex..I kept not seeing him. The first time around, I let him go because he kept saying he wanted friends with benefits with an exclusive woman and not say relationship..hence I felt he was not valuing what we had and I let him be. I met him last week. It was as if time never passes by. Chemistry strong. We talked a lot. He told me how crazy I was accusing him of things that were not true back then like asking him if he was married or with another woman all the time. I do have insecurities stemmed from a cheating husband but I think I am pretty much better than I used to now. Anyways , we did end up having amazing sex and he said he wants friends with benefits with an exclusive girl and I said I wanted love. He indicated love is a possibility. He says he does not want marriage ( even I don't want to jump into any such things) nor drama. Fast forward..nearly two weeks have passed and haven't seen him again. He msgs every day however, I ask him to meet and he says he is busy with work. As a result, I became needy these last two days and started saying to him I don't want just sex etc etc...all he. says is we will meet when we both can. I know I set up myself not into a relationship but I also feel like there is some potential here. I don't know what to do. Give it time and see if it is just sex or there is more to it or cut if off not to get hurt. I want to make a good decision because I do like him a lot and I dont want to let go so easily like I did before when clearly something strong seems to be there. Any advice? Edited March 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator merged threads, update title Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 You are fooling yourself, there is zero potential there, he told you that... Nothing has changed 3 hours ago, Love2015 said: he said he wants friends with benefits with an exclusive girl Listen to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 I admit I do not understand how you have rationally analyzed this guys intentions, come to the correct conclusion, and then when you meet, you become a raging chemical brew of pheromones and hormones. The result was the same. He wants sex. You want love but you end up giving him sex. The sad thing is that he knows (and you do to) that you are a booty call whenever he wants because of "chemistry." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) Sorry to say but l agree with others and tbh , l'm no sure where you got the ideas of more from either . He's told you clear enough a few times and now in two wks he won't even find time to see you. Edited September 4, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 OP's story in food: I went to a cafe about 8 months ago. It's really charming Greek Cafe. The ambiance is magical. Just a fantastic location and I really enjoyed it. Here's the thing - I don't like Greek food. I hate it really. But I totally love Thai food. So I asked them if they would make me pad phuk tong. They said they didn't even know what that was. So I said can I at least get the pad thai? They said they don't sell that. So I stopped going there because it was kind of pointless. But the other day I was walking by and I just had to go to the Greek Cafe. I asked if they had any tom kha gai. The waiter said, "hey that's made with chicken right?". I said yes. They said, "we have some chicken souvlaki would you like to try that?" So I ordered it and it wasn't what I wanted at all. But hey, at least they have chicken! do you think there's a chance that they will start selling Thai food???? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 Where's the laugh emojii when I need it? Perfect analogy @Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 9 hours ago, Love2015 said: I know I set up myself not into a relationship but I also feel like there is some potential here. There is absolutely zero potential here. You are completely wasting your time. Never go back to an ex. They are an ex for a reason. If you were meant to be together you would have never broken up in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2015 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 Thanks everyone for showing once more that it is pointless. I needed it. I was actually feeling afraid of posting here because I knew the answer however, we sometimes need to hear it regardless. I don't agree Mrin and d0nnivain for how you post the comments. I understand I am not the smartest cookie when it comes to dating business all since I was abandoned by my ex. I will be honest but before posting I was also dreading it cause of these types of comments as well..which is not the first time I received them. Anyways thanks everyone. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 @Love2015. I was not trying to hurt you & I'm sorry I offended you. I did find Mrin's post insightful & humorous but please don't think my opinion was an insult. I simply thought the new way of explaining the situation was illuminating. I was not laughing at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2015 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: @Love2015. I was not trying to hurt you & I'm sorry I offended you. I did find Mrin's post insightful & humorous but please don't think my opinion was an insult. I simply thought the new way of explaining the situation was illuminating. I was not laughing at you. Got you. Thanks. The truth is it hurts to know he doesn't see me as more than just sex...like I am stupid to get my hopes up and now for the last two days I am just laying in bed being upset but then I should know he did not lie ...even for just sex ...I would think a person would want more..feeling stupid that is all. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 It sounds like you and he have very different attachment styles. My guess is he has some form of avoidant attachment style, so this "at a distance" but yet exclusive relationship is actually what he feels comfortable with. You are quite different and are not comfortable with it. So, as with others above, I would say it's not going to work or at least not in a way that you're at all happy with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 20 minutes ago, Love2015 said: ..feeling stupid that is all. You are not stupid. You thought things had changed. Because you liked him & the chemistry was there you hoped it would work out. Unfortunately your history made things complicated & your feelings made you anxious, which in turn made him run. It really was more of an incompatibility thing. We've all been there. The heart (& certain other parts ) want what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Love2015 said: I don't agree Mrin and d0nnivain for how you post the comments. I understand I am not the smartest cookie when it comes to dating business all since I was abandoned by my ex. Oh wow hey I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I do the "OP's Story in Food" thing around here because it helps to extract all of the feelings and emotions and backstory out of a situation and see it for what it is. I actually do it for myself all the time. It gets "me" out of my own way. Ha! You wouldn't believe the audacity of my own "food stories". They make your greek vs thai food seem perfectly reasonable! Lol. I am so sorry it made you feel like I was belittling you. And thank you for speaking up! I'll definitely be more sensitive to how it might land for others in the future. Best of luck! Mrin Edited September 4, 2020 by Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2015 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 12 minutes ago, Mrin said: Oh wow hey I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I do the "OP's Story in Food" thing around here because it helps to extract all of the feelings and emotions and backstory out of a situation and see it for what it is. I actually do it for myself all the time. It gets "me" out of my own way. Ha! You wouldn't believe the audacity of my own "food stories". They make your greek vs thai food seem perfectly reasonable! Lol. I am so sorry it made you feel like I was belittling you. And thank you for speaking up! I'll definitely be more sensitive to how it might land for others in the future. Best of luck! Mrin Aaww Mrin, thanks ..I think it is also my state of mind. Maybe Will read in few days and laugh. It is a clever way after all. I am just dealing with the sadness of potential versus not happening. I think the hope is not in the air..he did says things like there is always potential of love, we just made love, he doesn't want drama, etc etc...chemistry clouded me and yes my past doesn't help. I worked on myself for a year without dating but clearly I am still not there. I sometimes just wished he would realize his issues too and work together through them but yeah it's pointless clearly.... Which is the past I am trying to once again accept. You would think after 3 years ..if we in same place..it's because there is more no? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 18 hours ago, Love2015 said: You would think after 3 years ..if we in same place..it's because there is more no? This is where you're making a mistake. For him, it's not because there is more. He's checking to see if you're up for the same gig as before. You're unfortunately projecting your own desire onto what is still a dead-end. I am not sure where you see potential with this guy; I have to say, I see none at all. Time to let him go for good, or you're going to get even more hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2015 Posted November 25, 2020 Author Share Posted November 25, 2020 I am currently not dating and pretty relaxed about it and enjoying my life. I would like to find someone some day however, after so many failures it just feels all not worth it. The last guy wanted just sex...as a consenting adult...no complaints except for why did think that he could be mean after? What am I referring to? Well...he bluntly ended up texting things like: "Don't message me, I will let you know when I can come see you.! " so ....not even booty call respect? Like I was not even asking him to meet..it was more like after some 4 weeks of no contacting....out of the blue he messages to see how I am letting me know he is out of town. When I asked where is he...that was his reply! I was taken aback. and then 4 days letter I messaged again with same response. So I pretty much said to him I am blocking him and he is an as**** the thing is we had ended out bootiness as I had already told him two weeks earlier I needed more ... and I am moving on....but from that to this no respect? Why do men or women think they can mistreat another one? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 Sorry. Some people are just mean/rude. That applies to all areas of life, but a lot people tend to not have very much respect for casual sex partners. Nothing you can do but block and move forward. Next time maybe vet the guys better even for a booty call situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 If a person is gonna be so blatantly disrespectful like that, I would think there would have been subtle signs and red flags earlier on. You have to be a little more observant of red flags earlier on and weed people out before it gets to this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 People can't "use" you if you shut this type of nonsense down immediately. Why not just delete and block jerks like this? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
_lovelycat_ Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 I am sorry to hear you were mistreated. Please, don't take his actions personally. He mistreats all people around him, NOT just you. His behavior is an indicator of who he is , NOT what you have done or said. Sooner or later, he will bump into someone who will teach him a lesson or two. People like him get in trouble all the time because their actions and words upset and hurt others. You did the right thing by blocking him. By doing so, you set him free to look for a person who is capable of wrecking his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 10 hours ago, Love2015 said: I am currently not dating and pretty relaxed about it and enjoying my life. I would like to find someone some day however, after so many failures it just feels all not worth it. The last guy wanted just sex...as a consenting adult...no complaints except for why did think that he could be mean after? What am I referring to? Well...he bluntly ended up texting things like: "Don't message me, I will let you know when I can come see you.! " so ....not even booty call respect? Like I was not even asking him to meet..it was more like after some 4 weeks of no contacting....out of the blue he messages to see how I am letting me know he is out of town. When I asked where is he...that was his reply! I was taken aback. and then 4 days letter I messaged again with same response. So I pretty much said to him I am blocking him and he is an as**** the thing is we had ended out bootiness as I had already told him two weeks earlier I needed more ... and I am moving on....but from that to this no respect? Why do men or women think they can mistreat another one? When a man talks to you the way this guy did the first time why would you message him again 4 days later for more of the same abuse? This is why he disrespects you because he feels you don't respect yourself because of the way you allow him to treat you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 (edited) Communication...when you meet, and get involved, you communicate with each other on expectations, what you are both looking for, and what is acceptable for contacting one another. I'm assuming you either don't understand the arrangement, ignore their requests when to be contacted, or what the real situation is between you. And what most have said, after the first sign of disrespect/rudeness, you next them, block/delete. This in future should clear this up for you. Edited November 25, 2020 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 12 hours ago, Love2015 said: I am currently not dating and pretty relaxed about it and enjoying my life. I would like to find someone some day however, after so many failures it just feels all not worth it. The last guy wanted just sex...as a consenting adult...no complaints except for why did think that he could be mean after? What am I referring to? Well...he bluntly ended up texting things like: "Don't message me, I will let you know when I can come see you.! " so ....not even booty call respect? Like I was not even asking him to meet..it was more like after some 4 weeks of no contacting....out of the blue he messages to see how I am letting me know he is out of town. When I asked where is he...that was his reply! I was taken aback. and then 4 days letter I messaged again with same response. So I pretty much said to him I am blocking him and he is an as**** the thing is we had ended out bootiness as I had already told him two weeks earlier I needed more ... and I am moving on....but from that to this no respect? Why do men or women think they can mistreat another one? A lot of men treat women in this way..especially when its a FB type situation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 1 hour ago, peach302 said: A lot of men treat women in this way..especially when its a FB type situation. And this is what women are putting up with just to get laid? Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 22 minutes ago, stillafool said: And this is what women are putting up with just to get laid? Pretty much as is evident with the OP. Young women need to have more self respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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