Dating disabled: Coping with a breakup and mobility issues. Would you date someone like me?

[Datingdisabled]

I had a very bad marriage and I should have left a long time ago. My ex is with another women now and happy. I reached out through bad judgement and he suggested I try dating. 

I spent the last two weeks processing the end of the marriage and had plans to move forward. I start a new job on Tuesday. Tried to connect with people in person and even ordered a 365 day NC planner. 

I just wrapped my head around the reality of the marriage and end of, and spent the day in the hospital after a few days if back pain that was so bad, it s*** down my right arm. I could not sleep yesterday with the pain and ended up at the hospital for the majority of the day. 

It turns out, at 37, I have too much spinal ware and tear and there is nothing I can do but physio and pain management. It's too early to really tell the reality of this issue I now have that affects my mobility. 

I've got referals and prescriptions but I also got a number to help with the breakup aspect of this ordeal so I can still move forward and not become bitter over the fact, they are both healthy. 

I've agreed to NC and asked he respect my health issues as to not contact me or give me ideas on dating since I'm in a dilemma right now. 

Any thoughts? What would you suggest to do for dating in my situation? Would you date someone my age with such a back issue? 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[smackie9]

There is always someone for everyone. Keep positive.

[bobjon]

I think for now, I would be rather focused on your own medical matters.  That is not very normal for your age.  Share more details if you can, but this sounds more like a medical intervention right now.  

[Datingdisabled]

Thanks. I'm too young and I believe the affects of an abusive marriage had a lot to do with it. I don't think I should date until I find a new normal. My right arm is affected and I can't really use much of my hand until I start physio. I used to take pride in my physical strength and had so much optimistic views about my dating future but it's changed. 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[bobjon]

Well, you are sort of only giving slivers of your story, so I don't think anyone can really help, but obviously if you have a medical matter, that would need to stand before any sort of relationship.  I am just not sure how you ended up in this.  Genetics, car accident, obesity, domestic violence, etc  

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Well, you are sort of only giving slivers of your story, so I don't think anyone can really help, but obviously if you have a medical matter, that would need to stand before any sort of relationship.  I am just not sure how you ended up in this.  Genetics, car accident, obesity, domestic violence, etc  

It's a long story. I don't think here is the place to do it. I am not upset about my condition but I'm angry at the abusive people who par took in pushing me to a poor place of health. There were a lot of things that led up to this! I will not waste time being upset when at my age, I have to learn to thrive like this. 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[basil67]

You're asking us if you should date.....but you've left out the most important part of the equation:   what do YOU want to do?   Do you feel ready to date?

[Alvi]

Sure you can date. Lots of people, ready or not who are ridden with various problems and issues, go on dates and form relationships. Who's to say they are wrong? 

However, if I may, I would suggest to you to focus on your pain management/reduction before attempting to date. And to seek some counselling to deal with the past abuse.  Just so that you can be a stronger and better partner in the future. And to attract more quality men in your life.

Edited September 4, 2020 by Alvi
more stuff to write

[Datingdisabled]

5 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Sure you can date. Lots of people, ready or not who are ridden with various problems and issues, go on dates and form relationships. Who's to say they are wrong? 

However, if I may, I would suggest to you to focus on your pain management/reduction before attempting to date. And to seek some counselling to deal with the past abuse.  Just so that you can be a stronger and better partner in the future. And to attract more quality men in your life.

I'm not giving up my career which is a physical job. I'll find a way to be productive. I am talking to guys as friends right now but no I'm not ready to date. I didn't really have anyone who cared about my well being because all my friends end up being his friends. 

What I don't like, is that everyone who spent the past so many years listening to him and what he had to say about me, never once thought about my health or well being.

I'm strong enough that physio therapy and time can still provide a life worth living and someone decent. I don't think I can date right now because my physical health is so unpredictable. I'm someone everyone used to ask to open jars and say I made it look easy, to possibly being the one to have to ask someone to open a jar. I'll miss that but things happen for a reason. 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[Ami1uwant]

Why do you think abuse caused this?

 

there are many conditions that start showing up in your mid 30s.

 

my sister had lower back pain and was diagnosed with stenosis ehich has genetics in it.  This started with her around 35.

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

I'm not giving up my career which is a physical job. I'll find a way to be productive. I am talking to guys as friends right now but no I'm not ready to date. I didn't really have anyone who cared about my well being because all my friends end up being his friends. 

What I don't like, is that everyone who spent the past so many years listening to him and what he had to say about me, never once thought about my health or well being.

I'm strong enough that physio therapy and time can still provide a life worth living and someone decent. I don't think I can date right now because my physical health is so unpredictable. I'm someone everyone used to ask to open jars and say I made it look easy, to possibly being the one to have to ask someone to open a jar. I'll miss that but things happen for a reason. 

Since you are 37, you're still young enough to meet the right man who you are really compatible with. But right now, you have two major life events you should prioritize your energy and focus on: your physical therapy sessions and your new job. Finally, you should invest in some counseling to help you get over your bad marriage. 

Worrying about what your ex-husband says to your shared circle of friends and acquaintances should not even be on your list of priorities. You can't change what anything thinks anyway. And wasting time worrying about what people think, is just a waste of time. But you know that already, right? 

Right now you should not even consider dating as you have bigger things to worry about: your physical health getting restored and securing your place at your new job and the new community of coworkers and friends you will develop there over time. 

Do not be that person who uses dating apps to hookup with guys because you are sad about your marriage ending. Unless you think you can juggle that with your physical therapy and new job. But it's just not worth risking either of those to try to get emotionally connected to some new guy, when you're still emotionally hurt over your current ex-husband and the marriage you two had that ended. 
 

31 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why do you think abuse caused this?

there are many conditions that start showing up in your mid 30s.

my sister had lower back pain and was diagnosed with stenosis ehich has genetics in it.  This started with her around 35.

It's possible that traumatic emotional events can contribute to physical symptoms in our bodies. Panic attacks are caused by repressed emotions. Repressed anger, repressed sadness about a life circumstance, relationship, or situation can cause insomnia, and can cause things like panic attacks. Lots of articles on the web about the connection between our mind and body. 

OP, if you had pain shooting down your right arm that could be from anxiety attacks too as well as back pain. If you were always in physical labor roles for your work, that has wear and tear on the body and if you don't take steps to counter act that wear and tear, then as you age, all those muscular tears etc. will start affecting your work and your daily existence. 

I was in a car accident last week where I was rear ended and side-swiped by the driver who hit me, while i sat in my parked car. I'm 50 years old and for the past week can't lift my arms above my head without wincing, nor can I turn my head side to side without feeling pain from the constricted muscles. I have physical therapy exercises that I will do for the next month and work with a physical therapist so that I won't be in physical pain anymore. The accident also triggered a lot of repressed emotional baggage I hadn't been dealing with. The physical therapist told me that when our sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive (fight or flight) after a car accident, our repressed emotions get exposed and she's had patients bawling in her exam room about non-accident related emotional issues that their accident triggered. 

So right now, dating should be the lowest priority on your priority list. You have too much on your plate already that you know takes precedence. Leave the dating until you are balanced physically and mentally again. 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Watercolors

[beentheredonethat77]

If i were in your shoes, i'd take a year off (with a plan to execute) and really focus on a complete overhaul of my physical an mental health.  

I'd give myself a goal at the end of 12 months to be feeling fantastic inside and out ... get to the bottom of the pain issues and sort them, yoga, meditation, massage, stretching, medicine / therapy, whatever it takes.   I'd also do a lot of reading and writing and healing, posting on forums and therapy if its an option.   Adopt some daily routines for beauty and grooming and self-love, maybe fresh hair cut/color and some new look.    By the end of 12 months, i'd aim to have processed and released my pain and anger from the past .. and feel lighter and more positive (which will attract a higher quality mate in the dating game -- one far more compatible than your ex or any man you may settle for now while feeling handicapped).    A complete overhaul and then re-enter fresh and like the best version of yourself.

Just what i'd do.  

[Datingdisabled]

4 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

If i were in your shoes, i'd take a year off (with a plan to execute) and really focus on a complete overhaul of my physical an mental health.  

I'd give myself a goal at the end of 12 months to be feeling fantastic inside and out ... get to the bottom of the pain issues and sort them, yoga, meditation, massage, stretching, medicine / therapy, whatever it takes.   I'd also do a lot of reading and writing and healing, posting on forums and therapy if its an option.   Adopt some daily routines for beauty and grooming and self-love, maybe fresh hair cut/color and some new look.    By the end of 12 months, i'd aim to have processed and released my pain and anger from the past .. and feel lighter and more positive (which will attract a higher quality mate in the dating game -- one far more compatible than your ex or any man you may settle for now while feeling handicapped).    A complete overhaul and then re-enter fresh and like the best version of yourself.

Just what i'd do.  

I really appreciate all your responses but this is definitely what I need to do. 

I will say that this pain has put a lot into perspective for me. I was suffering emotionally and I could not find a therapist. They all want money and don't care about me as an individual. I don't like going to the healthcare system because I had a nightmare of an experience, I didn't get help or support. 

The issue with the mental health system, is that even the workers have the stigma and no one is dedicated to your well being. I went online for support instead but that backfired and became an abusive place for me. I used to have a nurse come into my house regularly to help me move forward with my depression. Half the time she didn't show up and other times she talked about her issues and I was the one who gave advice. She actually told me I didn't need it but I did need it. 

I don't want a relationship and I'm not in a position to have one because I need to gain stability with my new disability and it will be one. I have to learn how to manage and I am not asking for much but a place to post. Some honest feedback to my situation. 

[d0nnivain]

I can't speak to where you are but in the US if you have a physical job & that job contributed to the wear & tear on your back -- called an occupational injury -- you may be entitled to workers' compensation benefits.  You may want to consult a lawyer about that. 

Your physical job which you insist on continuing is probably contributing to your back pain more so then any abusive you suffered in your bad marriage.  Physical therapy will help but so will finding lighter work.  The majority of people over age 30 walking around on planet earth have some type of back pain.  As we age, the vertebral discs in our backs dry out, shrink & cause pain.  You are experiencing a greater intensity but there are a variety of treatments.  Keep following doctors' orders.  

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with finding mental health help but finding the right therapist with whom you click is like dating.  It takes a while.  I had some really dopes but I have also had some wonderful professionals who helped me a great deal.  You can't fault them for wanting to get paid for their services.  They have to make a living too.  They aren't there to "care" about you the way a nurturing friend or loving family member would.  They are there to listen & teach you coping skills.  

I do hope you find some pain relief & ultimately happiness.  I am confident that when you get some pain relief & the depression you seem to be experiencing are treated you will be able to find a path forward & a new SO.  

[Datingdisabled]

30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I can't speak to where you are but in the US if you have a physical job & that job contributed to the wear & tear on your back -- called an occupational injury -- you may be entitled to workers' compensation benefits.  You may want to consult a lawyer about that. 

Your physical job which you insist on continuing is probably contributing to your back pain more so then any abusive you suffered in your bad marriage.  Physical therapy will help but so will finding lighter work.  The majority of people over age 30 walking around on planet earth have some type of back pain.  As we age, the vertebral discs in our backs dry out, shrink & cause pain.  You are experiencing a greater intensity but there are a variety of treatments.  Keep following doctors' orders.  

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with finding mental health help but finding the right therapist with whom you click is like dating.  It takes a while.  I had some really dopes but I have also had some wonderful professionals who helped me a great deal.  You can't fault them for wanting to get paid for their services.  They have to make a living too.  They aren't there to "care" about you the way a nurturing friend or loving family member would.  They are there to listen & teach you coping skills.  

I do hope you find some pain relief & ultimately happiness.  I am confident that when you get some pain relief & the depression you seem to be experiencing are treated you will be able to find a path forward & a new SO.  

I really like your posts and I was happy when you posted on mine. Im over the guy, when someone says move on then it would take someone who is incapable of accepting that not to. I am capable and I accepted it. I'm relieved and happy he isn't in my life. I just wanted to post on some forums and get some support and encouragement when I have none in RL. 

Let's face it, it's hard connecting with men and I have spoken to a few but they weren't my type. I chose to wait for the right one and not go looking for him. I'm human so some days I wish I found him but I don't mind if I could use some other ways to pass the lonley moments. 

I'm actually very easy to be honest with and I really would understand. My true nature isn't someone to wish harm on another but I want to be happy again. I long for stability that I just don't have. I would never attempt to date until I achieve it. 

I'm not enjoying the pain, believe me, I'm not. I just don't need to be depressed about the futute with it because very little changes. 

When I work, I own the contracts. I can take a percentage and have other people do the work. I can still go in at times and modify my work when I want to be on-site. I also discovered that I like commercial more than residential. I don't want residential. 

I appreciate my cat because I didn't do the litter and instead of doing a nasty deed, she meowed at me. Luckily I was home and I apologized to get and gave her some cuddles before she ran from me since she's not a cuddly cat. She's the type that lays near you and not on you. 

My marriage was brutal. He didn't like me. That's on him and not me since I did like him. I didnt Li or play games when I just didn't want to share my emotions to someone not worthy of them. 

I support people and their happiness. I would do anything for anyone. I don't ask for anything. I do everything and buy everything myself. I have a good reputation in my community and I help when I can. I've been taking advantage of but not because I'm a bad person, because that's the nature of some people. I typically don't care if they need it more than I do. 

I'm asking for something so simple. I just want to be on a few forums with smart people and slowly work on my own life. I will not force a connection. 

This guy asked me out a few days ago but he's not my type and I'd rather be on this forum the. On a date with him. 

[d0nnivain]

27 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

This guy asked me out a few days ago but he's not my type and I'd rather be on this forum the. On a date with him. 

Understood but fwiw, my husband wasn't "my type"  He's the only younger man I ever dated & that turned out great.  

[Datingdisabled]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Understood but fwiw, my husband wasn't "my type"  He's the only younger man I ever dated & that turned out great.  

My ex used to tell me to date younger men but I used to tell him that he shouldn't even comment on my future dating life. When he made the choice that I wasn't his type, that should have been it. I never should have recieved any comments after that. 

[d0nnivain]

Of course you get to chose who you date.  Similarly your EX gets zero say.  

My only comment was sometimes being open to something new that you haven't tried before can be a blessing.  I was pleasantly surprised when I tried something new, dating the younger guy who wasn't "my type."  I always preferred  extremely confident (read: c*cky) extroverted men.  I liked "players" or at least that type, not the lying, notch on the bedpost but I tended to date actors, trial lawyers, sales people, politicians etc.  -- big over the top personalities.  DH is a quiet introvert.  

Trying somebody new is vastly different from knowing that a certain type doesn't work for you & then intelligently refusing to go down the wrong path again.  

[Datingdisabled]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Of course you get to chose who you date.  Similarly your EX gets zero say.  

My only comment was sometimes being open to something new that you haven't tried before can be a blessing.  I was pleasantly surprised when I tried something new, dating the younger guy who wasn't "my type."  I always preferred  extremely confident (read: c*cky) extroverted men.  I liked "players" or at least that type, not the lying, notch on the bedpost but I tended to date actors, trial lawyers, sales people, politicians etc.  -- big over the top personalities.  DH is a quiet introvert.  

Trying somebody new is vastly different from knowing that a certain type doesn't work for you & then intelligently refusing to go down the wrong path again.  

I went down the wrong path with men a lot. I got into some bad situations, even some were violent. I thought it was the men but then it seemed as though I brought out the worst in men and stopped dating. I tried to get my life together but I was without a plan and therfor I never went anywhere past the treadmill. I never felt sorry for myself but I spent years in regret and wishing I could go back as oppose to forward. I end up stuck and still. I was lost and in such a dark cloud. I wanted to die but I didn't have the guts to do it because I knew it would eventually get better and it did. I love job sites and I love building. I didn't spend enough time invested in my skills so I don't know everything. At my age, I'm not as useful as I would have liked to be but I am able to build my own business and make it successful. It was like, what is going to make me desire life again? What is going to make me move forward and what do I want? People don't have to believe me but I can not traditionally date. I can't sit at a table and relate to someone who has went to school, lived with parents, dated and never experienced the rough life I have. I couldn't relate to them if I tried. 

People view me in a light and I don't have the time and energy to change their views on me. I don't care all that much about what someone thinks of me. I missed out on a lot but I will be fine moving forward. I'm not bats*** crazy. I'm not violent. I've been hit a lot and I wanted to hit back but didn't. Unless I absolutely needed to for life and death, I do not get into physical altercations. I'm not a pushover. I'm not aggressive. I was just lost. I live by the actions of when in doubt do nothing and I had doubts so I did nothing. 

I'm sorry but I learned and men aren't honest. They don't tell you the truth. They don't help you unless they are in a relationship with you and they are just looking for a relationship. I'm not going to be interviewed by a man to see if I'm their life partner. I don't enjoy dating. I'll meet men in RL and if we click, I move forward. I don't like this last guy at all. I would take hypnosis if u can't get over the memory of the marriage. The guy was not for me. 

 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[schlumpy]

One thing I would warn you about is alcohol use. It's very easy to start sipping wine and add another crutch to your life.

Please don't look in that direction. There are no answers there.

Being disabled does not stop your brain from functioning. Give free rein to your intellectual curiosity. There are lots of wonderful books and fields of study to explore.

Join a book club but not one that only explores the thoughts of modern writers. It's fun and you will make good friends.

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

I'm sorry but I learned and men aren't honest. They don't tell you the truth. They don't help you unless they are in a relationship with you and they are just looking for a relationship. I'm not going to be interviewed by a man to see if I'm their life partner. I don't enjoy dating.

My heart breaks for you.  Most men I know & all that I have dated were thoughtful, honest, kind & generous.  The one who was a liar lied because he had his own mental health problems & they ended up being his downfall.  He took his own life about 14 years ago  😪

As a successful businesswoman you know the importance of screening & asking the right questions.  A date isn't only a chance for the man to interview you.  It's your opportunity to evaluate him to determine if he's someone who deserves to be in your life.  You do have choices.   Chose wisely.  

[Datingdisabled]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My heart breaks for you.  Most men I know & all that I have dated were thoughtful, honest, kind & generous.  The one who was a liar lied because he had his own mental health problems & they ended up being his downfall.  He took his own life about 14 years ago  😪

As a successful businesswoman you know the importance of screening & asking the right questions.  A date isn't only a chance for the man to interview you.  It's your opportunity to evaluate him to determine if he's someone who deserves to be in your life.  You do have choices.   Chose wisely.  

Your heart shouldn't break for me. I'm in a better situation then most people. Nothing really changes. I ditch a stupid guy and move on. It's not that big of a deal. I can still be a good person but I have to be patient before I am amongst people with a higher value to me. 

[Datingdisabled]

I do not value people who live near me. Call me a snob but they aren't my type. I'm not in a position to connect with anyone who is. I need time and patience. 

[schlumpy]

What kind of qualities are looking for in a partner?

[Datingdisabled]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

What kind of qualities are looking for in a partner?

I'm not looking for a partner right now. Kind of just want to be single. Picked up a beautiful paint and the painters coming to paint my house in the morning. I just had fruit and veggies for breakfast because I'm going to eat healthy and my new furniture comes next week. I'm going to rest my back as much as I can. I have to go start a contract on Wednesday and make a game plan for tapers. 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Datingdisabled