Dating disabled: Coping with a breakup and mobility issues. Would you date someone like me?

[mortensorchid]

No doubt you've seen all those hysterical memes that people post about Mama June (Honey BooBoo's mom) that she has a man and you don't.  I've worked in group homes for the developmentally disabled and they have gfs/bfs (also special).  I even watched a TV show from years ago where a bunch of people got fall down, stupid drunk at a funeral and someone was slow dancing with the corpse.  If there's someone who's willing to slow dance with a corpse, there's someone who is for you.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

If there's someone who's willing to slow dance with a corpse, there's someone who is for you.  

WTF?

[gamon]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

WTF?

Slow dancing with corpses became popular after square dancing with corpses was found to be impractical.

[basil67]

Oh yeah, I'm quite familiar with the history of corpse dancing.  It's more about the OP's disability seemingly being comparable to those who dance with corpses.   

[FudgeSwirl]

Firstly I'm very sorry you had to endure an abusive marriage.  Don't beat yourself up over not leaving sooner because leaving that kind of marriage is very difficult and takes a lot of courage.  

Someone will absolutely date you as soon as you are ready to get back out there and that one guy that wanted to date you is proof of the lot of them out there.  37 is still young and any future prognosis of your back issues will not prevent someone from dating you.  When the time comes and you really hit it off with a guy then you can be honest with him about what your condition prevents you from doing.  For example, I developed scoliosis as an adult and while it is not noticeable and for the most part doesn't get in the way of my life I am very honest with people when in occasion it causes horrific pain and I can't engage in a certain activity or if I just prefer to go home and apply heat on it.  You mentioned in a reply that you're not ready for a relationship and that is more than okay.  Only you will know when you are ready whether it's six months from now or even two years and you can take the time now to decide what you want in a relationship and what are deal breakers for you.  

That's really unfortunate that you have had a bad experience with therapy.  Not everybody makes a good therapist and sometimes a therapist simply isn't compatible with his or her client.  I promise, though, that for every dud of a therapist you have come across there are a zillion more who are kind and really passionate about getting people back on a good path.  An abusive marriage leaves scars and baggage you never asked for, but a great therapist will help you improve those scars and sort through that baggage before giving them a good toss.  Here is a site that can help you find a good therapist where you live in the US or many other countries: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us.   When you find a few that sounds promising, run a search on them and see what reviews come up to narrow down your selection.

I'm sure besides learning more about your condition and what the effects will be on your mobility that you will take this time to enjoy what you want to do in life and rediscover yourself.  Another unfortunate effect of abusive marriages is that sometimes we lose our identities to our abusers due to their gas lighting and manipulative cycles of pure abuse to meaningless apologies to "good" behavior and back to abuse.  With your ex out of the picture (and I highly recommend that unless you need to stay in contact with him because of co-parenting or because you are still in the process of finalizing things to cut off contact with him completely) you will feel loads better and more like yourself the longer you are away from him.  In fact even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes, you are moving in a great direction because you seem to have a positive attitude about your situation and yourself which is very admirable!

Animals are the best.  They really understand are emotions much more than many people think and sometimes provide the type of support we didn't realize we needed.

As for those people that listened to your ex and not you and how they didn't even bother to ask for your well-being, good riddance.  Not having those people in your life anymore is a positive result of a bad situation.

Edited September 6, 2020 by FudgeSwirl
I forgot punctuation in one sentence.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get your life to be the best in can be. Get all the support you can get to minimize your pain and maximize your functioning ... focus on creating a life you like ... and then the dating will come to you ... because you'll be engaged in life, doing activities you can do, meeting people. For disabled people, the strategy is going to be the same as for other people: create the best life you can, working with the limits you have ... and that will build confidence and get you interacting with people who are impressed with your life and your energy and your spirit. The dating will take care of itself. 

I recently met a young woman who has a condition called Symbrachydactyly--she has no fingers and no toes, and she has severe spinal problems. She had what was supposed to be corrective surgery and the surgery failed. She's now in chronic and excruciating back pain. She was picked on as a kid. She's really smart, a fantastic speaker, and she has a boyfriend and a relationship she is quite happy with--all the while suffering major back pain that sometimes makes walking just a few blocks impossible. 

 

[Classicfiction]

On 9/4/2020 at 9:34 PM, Ami1uwant said:

Why do you think abuse caused this?

 

there are many conditions that start showing up in your mid 30s.

 

my sister had lower back pain and was diagnosed with stenosis ehich has genetics in it.  This started with her around 35.

Hi OP,  I just wanted comment on the above response to you.  I know what you're talking about with your physical disability having started after suffering some form of abuse in your past relationship.

There is probably a combination of things that led to your current physical state, and emotional abuse is most likely at least a contributing factor.. it may be something that even started in your childhood and continued into adulthood based on the relationships you found yourself involved with.

If you look up my post, (only one so far) you will see that I've experienced a similar situation.

I don't think that people want to see how poorly a man tends to treat a woman who he doesn't see as having the value that he desires.  Seriously, it is probably subconscious for a lot of these "emotionally abusive" men.

Maybe they don't know what real love is until it smacks them upside the head and then all of the sudden they shape up for the woman that really makes them get on bended knee..

OP,  you are among many women who are taken for granted and compared to other women to the point of the emotional pain finally translating into physical pain.

It does happen.  I believe it happens to a lot of us.  There is a definite connection between mind and body, as another poster commented.

I have wondered myself if my own physical pain (very severe neck and shoulder pain.. waiting to see a rheumatologist for an autoimmune disorder) along with mental health disability.. does it come from internalizing the demeaning opinion of abusers?

Is it coming from our minds attacking our own bodies after beginning to believe that we have less worth as a woman?

I think so.

Hugs to you and anyone else struggling to stay in a place of self acceptance and love.

 

[Classicfiction]

And congrats on being able to maintain a job throughout everything you've been through.  I can see your strength.

[Datingdisabled]

2 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

And congrats on being able to maintain a job throughout everything you've been through.  I can see your strength.

This guy and his friends all gas lighted me then called me bats*** crazy. People who weren't even involved, do not know me, jumped in to defend the guy and verbally attack me. I'm sitting here in a comfortable spot thinking they need to question why they put so much value on this particular person and decided to attack me. Their were a few quick to respond whenever they could. I learned that my disability was not a disability but a minor challenged and I solved it. I have injections, physio, therapy, medications and the physical pain has actually snapped me out of the fog I was in. 

You didn't loose much with this last guy. The last guy in my story, well he was so well liked by everyone else, and treated everyone else like gold while he abused me. I'm quite disturbed but you can't control if someone else wants and enjoys hurting you. You can't say to one person that your life is more valuable then mine is and your children are more precious then mine. You do say that when you take anything someone else says or does inwards. 

This guy did not value and appreciate you. Don't think you did something wrong, he didn't value you so be it. You aren't disabled and your mental health issues are all treatable. 

My neighbor walked by at the right time and I just so happened to be there to listen to her. Her son died at 29. It really made me ask myself why I'm feeling sorry for myself because one man didn't like me or want me in his life. He didn't give me a chance and he chose to hurt me. That was his choice. His friends chose to laugh at me and use me for entertainment. 

Mental health has a stigma and support. The support you see "bell change" "mental health awareness" are for people who act normal and suffer in silence. If your mental health is visible, there is no support. It's something you have to accept. I let it prevent me from being places and doing the things that I needed to do in order to get better. 

All your problems are solvable. 

 

Edited September 10, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[Datingdisabled]

There were. My low education didn't give me good writing skills. I spent 7 years writing to the wrong people. 

[major_merrick]

You'll get your strength back, but it might take a bit.  Nobody gets through life with zero issues.  Pretty sure that you'll find someone else to be with, as I've seen plenty of times where people have come back from seemingly impossible situations.

My husband's Wife #1 is one of those people.  Her first boyfriend left her in a burning car after a wreck.  She lost an eye, lost some hearing, sustained brain injury, lost the majority of the function in her left hand, and has both physical and emotional scarring.  She met our husband 3 years later.  They have 8 children together, and she's got the peace in her life that she was always looking for.  She never ended up having a career, but she's got kickass skills at home that I probably will never be able to equal.  Just because your plans change doesn't mean you can't make new ones.

Anyways, you're in a recovery phase right now.  I'd say focus on that for the next 6 months, and see where you're at.  I say 6 months because it is a good number for healing injuries, and you also need a definite timetable to give you some hope.  Having a nebulous "sometime in the future" can lead to depression. 

[Classicfiction]

Thanks girl!  Yep, sometimes it takes seeing someone survive in even more extreme circumstances in order to conjure up that inner strength.

I'm so sorry you were hurt and mocked in that way though.  Thats terrible and so unnecessary.  People can be cruel when they cant put themselves in the other person's shoes.

 But I firmly believe there's someone out there for everyone and people don't have to be at peak health physically or mentally in order to meet that person and enjoy a strong relationship.

We were all meant to help one another anyway.

I have a friend who met her now husband while on disability and he's stood by her through some trials both physical and mental.  That gives me hope.  

[Datingdisabled]

6 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Thanks girl!  Yep, sometimes it takes seeing someone survive in even more extreme circumstances in order to conjure up that inner strength.

I'm so sorry you were hurt and mocked in that way though.  Thats terrible and so unnecessary.  People can be cruel when they cant put themselves in the other person's shoes.

 But I firmly believe there's someone out there for everyone and people don't have to be at peak health physically or mentally in order to meet that person and enjoy a strong relationship.

We were all meant to help one another anyway.

I have a friend who met her now husband while on disability and he's stood by her through some trials both physical and mental.  That gives me hope.  

I'm starting nc and using a book I ordered offline called 365 days of no contact. I'm going into work this morning but I'll explain to the guy that I'm somewhat injured and may need to modify for a few days. I am motivated because there is a guy depending on me for his job. If he wasn't depending on me, I'd probably work on the injection and post pone. Keep in mind, with these injuries, you are encouraged to keep moving. It'll keep me moving. 

This guy where the obsession was not healthy, caused me a lot of grief trying to get me to change my perspective. I don't need to change my perspective but speak to someone who can help me see myself and my life as more valuable then his and his girlfriend's. This forum isn't going to help me see this, so I'll need to log off and log on when I feel a bit more indifference. 

EDIT: I'm postponed until Monday. I'm going into the sports medicine clinic today instead and going to focus on recovery. If I go in and damage myself more, then my plan is shot. I also have a really good taper starting on Monday. The delay doesn't change anything because the drywall isn't finished yet. I was just eager to start making money. If I wait until Monday then I can do my plan and have health. It's worth a few days. I have to find ways to avoid online and focus on recovery from this obsession. I do need to write about it but maybe not here just yet. 

Edited September 10, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[Classicfiction]

Whatever you need to do to get to a place where the past hurts don't weigh you down anymore.

I find magnesium salt baths helpful for the physical discomfort and also helps get other people's energy off of you.  If you happen to be a highly sensitive person.

[mortensorchid]

This prompted me to read a chapter in a guide I have by name of Guide to Getting It On.  It was written in 2005 and some of the information is dated now (ex. Not as many people in 2005 were internet dating as they are now as it had just gone mainstream by then), but there is a chapter about the disabled.  These points go forth with all aspects of dating, not just sex.  I recommend anyone with any questions or concerns read this book as it's quite informative and not all smut.  This is what it has to say about disabled people and dating ...

We are not provided with good role models for people with disabilities in many aspects of life.  Advertisers may say that we are to go for the most attractive people in the face or the body, or of you are of a certain mindset the ones with the biggest wallets or checkbooks.  (I doubt Anna Nicole Smith married that old man because she was attracted to his body or good looks.  And her lawyer didn't hitch his wagon to her for the prospect of her personality.)  No one tells you that you should go for the person's character or values, or to say that what's on the inside is what matters.  Look at FDR - he hid his disability because he was considered a success if he got a job in the circus.  And he was a notorious womanizer - when Eleanor discovered his infidelity she said this will be a business relationship from now on.  And her sexuality is still in question today, but that's a separate story.  And he was unfaithful until his death.

 

[Datingdisabled]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

This prompted me to read a chapter in a guide I have by name of Guide to Getting It On.  It was written in 2005 and some of the information is dated now (ex. Not as many people in 2005 were internet dating as they are now as it had just gone mainstream by then), but there is a chapter about the disabled.  These points go forth with all aspects of dating, not just sex.  I recommend anyone with any questions or concerns read this book as it's quite informative and not all smut.  This is what it has to say about disabled people and dating ...

We are not provided with good role models for people with disabilities in many aspects of life.  Advertisers may say that we are to go for the most attractive people in the face or the body, or of you are of a certain mindset the ones with the biggest wallets or checkbooks.  (I doubt Anna Nicole Smith married that old man because she was attracted to his body or good looks.  And her lawyer didn't hitch his wagon to her for the prospect of her personality.)  No one tells you that you should go for the person's character or values, or to say that what's on the inside is what matters.  Look at FDR - he hid his disability because he was considered a success if he got a job in the circus.  And he was a notorious womanizer - when Eleanor discovered his infidelity she said this will be a business relationship from now on.  And her sexuality is still in question today, but that's a separate story.  And he was unfaithful until his death.

 

This former coworker told me to join the circus once and I didn't really get why he was calling me a clown until I realized he was stringing me a long for his entertainment. He had people who were bragging about teachers but on odsp behind the screen trying to bully me and I remember asking myself, who has time to do this to someone else? Who actually needs to advocate for a 46 year old man right? He was also a fan of FDR and for me the book so I'd get a man of my own someday. Your story reminds me of it. Thanks for listening 😊

[hotpotato]

There are plenty of people with disabilities who get partners. I know someone with tbi (and ptsd). He has been married twice and has two kids. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I once dated someone who had M.S.  He was the kindest man I ever dated and I still think very fondly of him.  At the time, my kids were fairly young and active and I just didn't see our lives meshing smoothly as his disease progressed.  He was already almost ten years older than me.  If I'd met him NOW, with two grown adults, maybe I would have thought differently.  So, I think timing just has to be right, but people with disabilities are not undateable.  Attitude and outlook have a lot to do with it!

[Ellener]

14 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Attitude and outlook have a lot to do with it!

Exactly.

I have a mental illness and a physical disability and I don't have many problems with relationships. No more or less than anyone else.

You'll find strengths and opportunities along the way which are life-changing if you learn to manage your condition, stay positive and have a sense of humour.

Everybody has something going wrong at some point. Life just keeps coming! People who look for 'perfect' partners better be just as 'perfect', and of course no one is.

There are bad days and good days, try to keep the whole in perspective @Datingdisabled

 

[boymommy]

I believe it's challenging to date when you have a physical or really any type of disability that causes limitations to the relationship. This is because it can cause the relationship to (at times) be one sided and the other person has to give more of themselves. I don't know if this a fear of dependency or enmeshment or what (on the partner's part that is) But when you are disabled and really NEED your partner to step up to the plate at times, there isn't any room for fears or dependency or b.s. crap about worrying whether you are enmeshed. I have Epilepsy with uncontrolled seizures. I can't drive, can't work, live off support payments from SSDI and my ex husband. I actually do quite well for myself but in friendships and romantic relationships its a crap show. I believe it has a lot of to with the types of men I am attracting into a relationship to tell you the truth. Super independent partners who really aren't all that interested in going out of their way for me. So when I ask for more or need more at times, they perceive that as needy I suppose. But it's not needy. It's just a higher level of need. To me that isn't the same thing. Needy sounds very negative and like there is something wrong with you. Disabled people DO need extra care and extra help to function. There are a lot of disabled people who have NO problems with dating at all. 

I think the best type of partners for me are ones who are really true givers. But more then that those that don't mind a little dependency or feeling needed in a relationship. Find someone who WANTS someone to take care of and won't expect to have to even out the score. Who will do it willingly and all they want in return is your love. Good luck!

Edited November 17, 2020 by boymommy