Found old unused condoms in girlfriend's dresser, is she cheating?

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, RickCMC said:

I understand, but is it such a red flag that someone casually talks to an ex? Are women never allowed to communicate with someone they used to be involved with? If I’m supposed to be secure and confident in a relationship, shouldn’t I trust her?

It depends.
Some exes are "extinct", ie they are consigned to the friend/acquaintance zone and will never pose any threat.
Some exes are "semi dormant" ie they appear to be "extinct", but  with persistence or the ability to stir up old emotions, may indeed turn out to be a threat.
Some exes are "active", ie they are the ones who were "the love of her life", the guy she never really got over, the feelings are still there,  even if she tries to down play them.
He will try to win her back and she may be receptive sooner or later... These guys will pose a big and often ongoing threat.

[Azincourt]

20 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The pill is in patch form now, or you can get a vaginal ring, or an injection that last for 3 months. The dosage is way less than it was like 30 years ago...so less bad side effects.

BTW the condoms he found are years old. No one in their right mind would use them unless they are making balloon animals with them.

Yeah, but it's better to practice dual anticonception. A man should also be responsible about making sure his partner doesn't get pregnant, and it has other mental and physical benefits to wear a condom.

How popular is the vaginal ring or the injection?

That's what I said!

The condoms he found are years old. No one who is interested in cheating on their partner is going to be using condoms that have expired years ago.

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Some exes are "extinct", ie they are consigned to the friend/acquaintance zone and will never pose any threat.

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Some exes are "semi dormant" ie they appear to be "extinct", but  with persistence or the ability to stir up old emotions, may indeed turn out to be a threat.
 

Nah,  I'd say most ex's that stay in a person's life do so because they want to remain friends, and don't want anything serious to do with them at all, other than being friends.

Dated this friend I grew up with when I was a teen, then the relationship ended because we was looking for different things in life, now she's married and has 2 kids of her own, and I still hang out with her often(even when alone with her) and her husband knows about me and knows I'm her best friend and he's chill with it.

Paranoia killed many a relationship, and insecurity isn't sexy at all.

Yeah,  there are far more pressing things in life at the moment to worry about than giving myself cold sweats throughout the night wondering if she's going to hook-up with an ex-boyfriend she just so happens to live 2 streets away from.  If a woman cheats on me it's because she's not the right fit for me, and nothing will keep someone from cheating. If someone wants to cheat on me, she can even find a dude to cheat with in the Saharan desert.

Enjoy your relationship and the time you're having with your girlfriend and don't start giving yourself nightmares wondering if some Zorro-esque ex-boyfriend is going to come out of the fog of Time and steal your girlfriend.

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Some exes are "active", ie they are the ones who were "the love of her life", the guy she never really got over, the feelings are still there,  even if she tries to down play them.

That's an argument for a man to date young women, solely, if I've ever seen any.  The chances of her having a ''the Edward Cullen that got away '' ex-boyfriend decrease when she's 18-21, and anyway, just because she has lingering feelings for an ex does that necessarily mean she's going to act on them? Have a little faith. People aren't mindless animals that lack self-control.

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He will try to win her back and she may be receptive sooner or later... These guys will pose a big and often ongoing threat.

LMAO.

He should challenge the pretender to a duel by dawnbreak!

They must fight for the fair lady's hand to see who earns the right to take her up the church's stairs!

Nah, bro listen up, if a woman is with you it's because she wants to be with you, because if she didn't she would be with the other 10 0000 options who are keen to date her, but she is with you, not with the men who are salivating at the mouth when she walks by. 

Why? 

Because you da man, bro. You arouse her feelings, her devotion, and her sexual desire. Keep on doing that(hit the gym, don't become clingy and annoying, take care of your looks, be a responsible adult etc) and it doesn't matter if Prince William himself wants your girl, because he won't get her.

Edited September 7, 2020 by Azincourt

[schlumpy]

Perhaps it's insecurity, but I'm way past analyzing motives and only concentrate on outcome.

If my wife is hanging with an Ex then I'm out of there.

In my mind it's called reducing risk.

Lots of women out there without a need to chat up old boyfriends. 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, RickCMC said:

I understand, but is it such a red flag that someone casually talks to an ex? Are women never allowed to communicate with someone they used to be involved with? If I’m supposed to be secure and confident in a relationship, shouldn’t I trust her?

Chatting with an EX is not a red flag but it might be a yellow caution flag meaning you need to be aware of the conversation & have some understanding of the context.  

For example I'm currently doing a work project that my grad school EX is in for his company.  Sometimes we talk about the project on company time when our parts intersect.  No big deal.  Through that context I learned his father died.  I called him & sent a card to express my condolences.  Nothing about that jeopardizes my marriage.  I even signed my husband's name to the card.   

So if your GF & her EX were simply chatting, no big deal.  I'm not a big fan of keeping in touch with EXs but if your paths' cross I think civility is in order -- so a few minutes of catching up is no big deal.  In that context a SO should be secure enough to trust the relationship.  The partner talking to the EX can make that easier by being transparent which is what your GF was doing when she told you about the conversations. 

Understand the permissible scenarios I'm OK with are a far cry from regular on-going flirty texts with sexual undertones or more overt sexy talk. Giving more time & energy to the EX then the primary current relationship are also bad.   Things like that going on behind a SO's back are cause for concern  

 

[FMW]

Talking to exes has been covered many times here on LS.  Some are on the side of it being an absolute "no, never ever", some are just "depends on the context".   I'm definitely in the latter camp, but that really doesn't matter - You have to decide what YOUR position is.  Clearly it caused suspicion for you, so you have to now figure out if it's something you can talk to her about and move past or if it's time for you to move on to someone else.  It all depends on your thoughts, your feelings, and your choice.

If you can't get over your suspicion, I think the clear answer for you is to move on.   

[RickCMC]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

Talking to exes has been covered many times here on LS.  Some are on the side of it being an absolute "no, never ever", some are just "depends on the context".   I'm definitely in the latter camp, but that really doesn't matter - You have to decide what YOUR position is.  Clearly it caused suspicion for you, so you have to now figure out if it's something you can talk to her about and move past or if it's time for you to move on to someone else.  It all depends on your thoughts, your feelings, and your choice.

If you can't get over your suspicion, I think the clear answer for you is to move on.   

Well for me, I’ll never tell my girlfriend that she is forbidden to talk to certain people, that just comes across as controlling and I don’t wanna be that. I’m just the kind of person who sees no good reason to keep in touch with an ex, unless they have kids together or something like that. I could tell her how I feel but I won’t ever say she has to stop talking to someone. I know that simply talking to an ex doesn’t mean she is cheating or that they are meeting up or anything like that, but because my view is that talking to exes doesn’t make sense, of course I get paranoid when I see it happen with her. Her convos with the ex could be totally innocent and friendly, but because of my views on exes, I just assume the worst. 

Edited September 7, 2020 by RickCMC

[major_merrick]

DON'T mention it to her.  Not right now, anyways.  As you yourself and others have mentioned, you're being paranoid.  She probably has other things in that dresser that she hasn't used in years.

If you do have to mention it later if you're in there, just say casually that they're out of date.  Say something like, "If you're wanting to start using condoms, we'd better buy some fresh ones."  She'll probably just tell you to throw them out. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 9/6/2020 at 5:09 PM, RickCMC said:

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I kind of deserve the beating I’m getting here. My paranoia is mainly because she was chatting with an ex, but I haven’t seen any other evidence that she’s doing something behind my back. If you take out the chatting with the ex, I probably wouldn’t have been so alarmed when I saw the condoms. But I do see that I have some insecurity going on and need to deal with that. 

I vote that you go ahead and keep contemplating the chatting-with-ex part.

 

What I think you should do is  "take out the ________ I saw the condoms_________part".

 

For I am reasonably confident that you (are capable of dismissing)  that factor based merely on the ancient date of them.  (and you did exercise the instinct to catch and report the details here so at least the rest of us can be comforted that the condoms are dormant ).

 

The "talking to an ex" part is DIFFERENT  for women, vs. men...         for women can get sex ANYwhere...   and thus they have minimal need for an ex.

 

Though they would in the same way place a tad more 'value' in a random 'ex' than a guy might.  (as a human they once valued, not a f*cktoy)

 

She stays loyal to you for herSELF...    NOT  for your sake.

 

and with that incentive in her corner, she's a fairly safe bet.

 

(the fastest way to inspire her to stray is with your insecurity )

 

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Noproblem]

how can you not trust your gf, if you don't trust her, then you don't love her, then you shouldn't be with her!

 

 

[kendahke]

On 9/4/2020 at 8:13 PM, RickCMC said:

I just wanted to ask her why she had the condoms?

the window of opportunity to ask that is closed now--you should have asked her when she asked you to get something out of her dresser.  If you ask now, it looks like you went snooping in there.

An unopened pack of condoms is no different than an unopened beer in the fridge for the past 3 years--clearly, she's not using them.

re: the conversation with the ex 6 months ago: the condoms predate that and they haven't moved or been replenished with a current use-by date. So yes, you're being paranoid and fishing for excuses.

Edited September 9, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

I see the OP has scampered off...and is most likely monitoring the old condoms in the drawer obsessively for activity.

Edited September 13, 2020 by smackie9

[RickCMC]

Well here’s an update on this 7 months later. I forgot about this for a while and just let it go, but recently I got curious and checked the drawer and the same condoms are still in the exact same place they were when I checked in September. So I guess I was just being a paranoid loon. 

[smackie9]

Thanks for the update. Glad everything is OK in the drawer.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, RickCMC said:

Well here’s an update on this 7 months later. I forgot about this for a while and just let it go, but recently I got curious and checked the drawer and the same condoms are still in the exact same place they were when I checked in September. So I guess I was just being a paranoid loon. 

It's good that you didn't see anything else that alerted you, and I agree that you were being overly suspicious. 

However, I would still encourage you to get to the bottom of where this paranoia was coming from, exactly. What prompted you to check again recently, for example?

[mortensorchid]

Show me one person who doesn't have them in a drawer somewhere.  Why be paranoid?  You said they are expired, she had bought them a while 2 years before you'd met, and she forgot about them in a drawer somewhere.  End of story.