Should I Trust My Intuition or Not? Tell Me I'm Not Crazy

[Wave Rider]

I’ve had some intuitions about certain people, and I’m not sure whether I can trust these intuitions or not.  My life has become more complicated with this.  Sometimes I feel like I’m following a good spiritual path, and sometimes I feel like I might be crazy.  I’ll tell you the story and you can let me know what you think. 

For many years of my adolescence and beyond, I struggled very badly with feelings of defectiveness, depression, and internal confusion.  But I had a feeling that a very important person would come into my life, and I would have some very important thing to do with this very important person.  I dated several great women, but I always had a sense with these women that they weren’t the right person for me, even though they were good. 

In 2013 I met someone who we’ll call my “Twin Flame.”  When I met Twin Flame, I had several very strong intuitions about her, including the sense that she was this very important person that I needed to do this very important thing with.  Finally I had the very strong feeling: this is the right person.  I felt like a vortex had opened up in the cosmos and enveloped us, and I felt that I had known her in a previous life.  She also felt strongly that she should date me.  In 2014 she asked me to be her boyfriend, and our relationship was short and rocky.  Still, I had the strong feeling: this is the right person.  We broke up, but I finally had answers about my own flaws, so I set to work reading self-help books and going to therapy and trying to work on myself. 

Then came the nighttime dreams.  In the last 6 years I have recorded in my journal more than 70 dreams I’ve had about Twin Flame.  Many of these dreams are symbolic and appear deeply spiritual and beautiful.  Sometimes she appears with important people from my past.  Sometimes her family appears with my family.  There are other recurring themes in these dreams.  I’ve had more dreams about her than I’ve had about probably anything else. 

Over the next several years my emotional state improved significantly, in large part because of the lessons I learned from her.  I’ve really worked hard on myself.  And I’ve talked to her from time to time on facebook, but she does not seems to have learned as much, and she does not seem terribly interested in talking about our relationship.  She’ll talk to me about superficial stuff, but doesn’t seem interested in deep conversation, and she isn’t interested right now in dating me again.  So now I’m in a much better place emotionally, but I don’t think she’s changed a whole lot.  Looking at her now, if I were to give a diagnosis of her, I'd say she has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment.  I had an anxious attachment style and I've been working towards becoming secure.  

I still have the strong intuition that Twin Flame and I will be together again, but at this point I don’t have a lot of evidence to support that other than my own intuition and the dreams I’ve been having.  It seems that Twin Flame is still figuring herself out and still has a lot of work to do on herself. 

It also seems that I’m in a place where I have some options with women.  I have another woman in my life who we’ll call “Astro Girl.”  Astro Girl and I have a lot in common: we’re both physicists, we’re both pilots, and we both applied to be astronauts.  Astro Girl is very attractive to me.  I think that Astro Girl likes me and would be open to dating me.  I’ve also had some intuitions about Astro Girl, though not as strong as my intuitions about Twin Flame.  I also had a few dreams about Astro Girl.  My intuitions about Astro Girl have been more that she would be a “stepping stone” that would help me learn the lessons I need to learn so that I can be back with Twin Flame when the time is right.  However, I think it’s very unfair to use Astro Girl as a stepping stone to get back with Twin Flame.  Astro Girl deserves someone who sees her as more than means to an end.  Also, Astro Girl says she does not ever want to get married and does not want children, and I do want marriage and children.  So maybe there would be no harm in a temporary relationship with Astro Girl, just as a fun learning experience.  I would really like to date Astro Girl, but I don’t want to hurt her. 

I would be open to staying with Astro Girl and even being married to her if she decides she wants marriage.  But my intuition tells me I won’t end up with Astro Girl because I will end up with Twin Flame. 

It seems that the best thing to do right now (according to my own feelings and the signs I’m getting from the Universe) is to try dating Astro Girl.  It just seems unethical and unfair to date her if know in the back of my mind I want to eventually break up with her so I can go be with Twin Flame when I've learned my lessons and the time is right.  But Astro Girl also doesn’t want to get married, and I do, so maybe there would be no harm in dating her as a “practice relationship.” 

I am still very confused about whether I can trust my intuition about Twin Flame, and I’m confused about whether I should go ahead and date Astro Girl (or anyone else who is available) while Twin Flame is still figuring herself out. 

Can someone help clarify for me here?  Can I trust my intuition, or am I crazy? 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Wave Rider

[Emilie Jolie]

You're not crazy, but it sounds like you have developed a very intense crush that is bordering on unhealthy, in the sense that is stopping you from living your life in the present.

It's not unethical to date someone you like and who likes you back, and with whom you could go on an actual date. Imo, gradually getting to know someone and figuring out whether or not you are compatible makes more sense than holding out for an idealised version of a one-way crush. Not saying this thing with 'Twin Flame' will never happen as I'm not a psychic; just saying it's best to focus on real stuff, ie a date with 'Astro Girl' or making concrete moves towards 'Twin Flame' and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

[snowboy91]

Generally I say that intuition shouldn't be ignored, but it should also not be the sole basis for making decisions.

You haven't mentioned in your post why you and Twin Flame broke up. We're missing her perspective on it. What you're feeling for Twin Flame is bordering on obsession and I'm not getting any reasons for why you two may be a good match for each other than a "strong intuition that we will be together".

On the same point, I don't think dating Astro Girl is a good idea partly because you're emotionally treating her as a second option, but also because you have different aspirations for a future with a partner (the marriage and kids).

[basil67]

What's this about you thinking that Twin Flame needs to do more work on herself?   Have you considered that she may be perfectly happy with who she is?  

That said, TF is showing zero interest in having any type of meaningful relationship with you now.  And as an ex, this is how it should be.    With all the work you've done on yourself, have you looked at how to let go of an obsession?

[Watercolors]

You're not crazy. You're just attached to a woman in a very unhealthy manner. 

Twin Flame has moved on with her life and isn't romantically interested in you anymore. Take her literally on that stance, not figuratively. 

Don't date Astro girl as a filler girlfriend. Buy an inflatable doll instead, like Lars did in that movie. 

[jspice]

When people use the phrase “Twin flame” it’s usually signalling the start of some unhealthy behaviour.  
I don’t believe in the concept of a “twin flame” that ultimately leads one to waiting for this person to come around, or alternatively remaining in a relationship with unhealthy behaviour just because this personal on is mystically linked to you forever. 
 

My real first love when I was 30 was the man I thought I’d marry. He drifted in and out of my life for about ten years after it ended. He still emails me very occasionally. My heart still skips a beat when I see his name but he’s done things I can never forgive. 
He’s realised how much he actually loved me and cared about me and has asked to marry me several times, but I could never be with him. 
 

Just because we love them and they love us, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy for us to be in that relationship for whatever reason. 

In my opinion, you need to let go this twin flame concept. It doesn’t mean they’re the one you’re supposed to be with, just that you’re inexplicably linked. 

[Wave Rider]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

What's this about you thinking that Twin Flame needs to do more work on herself?   Have you considered that she may be perfectly happy with who she is?  

That said, TF is showing zero interest in having any type of meaningful relationship with you now.  And as an ex, this is how it should be.    With all the work you've done on yourself, have you looked at how to let go of an obsession?

She's told me a couple times that she has things about herself she's working on.  She was seeing a therapist while we were dating, and she said that depression ran in her family, which suggested to me that she had struggled a lot with depression.   A few years ago, when I asked her if we could talk more openly about things, she said she was not in a good place where it would be wise for us to be open with each other.  And when I suggested that being friends with her might be fun, she said that yes being friends would be fun but she would try to do some work on her end to be in a better place to do that.  She's also told me that she "just does things" without thinking of whether or not she'll be happy with the outcome.  So yes, she has things she's working on.  She wants marriage and children, and six years later she still hasn't found that, so no, I don't think she's doing all that well.  

I've tried just about everything I can to get rid of her from my mind.  The only other thing I could do would be to delete her from facebook.  I've tried dating other people, I've gone to like 6 therapists, I've read a bunch of self-help books, and I still can't get rid of her from my mind.  I even took my list of dreams to a therapist.  I could delete her from facebook, but that won't stop me from having dreams about her at night.  To me, it seems that dating Astro Girl would be part of letting go of my obsession with Twin Flame.  But I have a hard time calling it an obsession because I've tried to get rid of her and I still can't do it.  

3 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

You haven't mentioned in your post why you and Twin Flame broke up. We're missing her perspective on it. 

See, this was very much at issue, and was part of her very confusing behavior.  During the conversation where we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, she told me in the same breath that she wanted me to be her boyfriend even though she had no romantic feelings for me.  This was very odd, given that I had not asked her for a relationship and had only asked her on a couple of dates.  The relationship was her idea.  Only seconds after she told me that she wasn't attracted to me, she got up from her seat, sat down right next to me, and snuggled up to me.  Can you imagine more confusing and contradictory behavior?  Talk about somebody who says A, but does B.  When she dumped me she didn't really give a reason, other than that I just wasn't good enough for her.  Two months after the breakup she sent me a message on facebook where she sounded like a lost puppy; she was clearly desperate to talk to me and had been thinking about me a lot.  She told me she'd been thinking about me a lot. 

This is why I'm saying that she had a fearful-avoidant attachment style, plus maybe some other personality problems.  

1 hour ago, jspice said:

My real first love when I was 30 was the man I thought I’d marry. He drifted in and out of my life for about ten years after it ended. He still emails me very occasionally. My heart still skips a beat when I see his name but he’s done things I can never forgive. 
He’s realised how much he actually loved me and cared about me and has asked to marry me several times, but I could never be with him. 

In my opinion, you need to let go this twin flame concept. It doesn’t mean they’re the one you’re supposed to be with, just that you’re inexplicably linked. 

I do fear that this may be the outcome of my connection with Twin Flame - that she'll come back to me 10 years from now and confess that she always did love me, and that now she's finally ready for a relationship with me.  But by then it will be too late for us to have a family together.  


The purpose of my post was not so much to analyze Twin Flame's behavior, which I have already done extensively.  This post was more about trying to decide whether or not I can trust my intuition.  If I can trust my intuition, then I really have nothing to worry about.  If my intuition is trustworthy, then I'll end up with Twin Flame when the time is right, regardless of what happens with Astro Girl.  If my intuition has mislead me, then I'm sort of in big trouble because I'll have to completely reorganize parts of my worldview.  Knowing that I can't trust my intuition will mean that I can't use "falling in love" as a guide for choosing a life partner, and it will mean that I can't trust my hunches about people.  If those things are true then I really don't know how to choose a life partner if I can't trust any of my feelings or intuitions, especially since my intuitions have generally proven to be pretty reliable in other areas of my life.  

Edited September 6, 2020 by Wave Rider

[basil67]

Ah, OK.  If it's about your intuition...I guess the answer is to look at your history of intuition and how correct it's been in the past.  If you have some kind of psychic intuition which has proven itself repeatedly, then trust your intuition.   But if your intuition doesn't have a proven track record, then I'd say that it's nothing more than wishful thinking.

And the dreams don't mean anything other than the fact that you're still processing the relationship.

[lana-banana]

You aren't crazy in the sense that this type of (might seem like a strong choice of words but trust me) delusion isn't uncommon; however, it's still a delusion. Lots of us have had gut instincts about the person we think we're supposed to be with---that's why heartbreak is so hard. And if you spend some time in the Infidelity and Other Man/Woman boards you'll see hundreds if not thousands of posts from middle-aged folks who receive a Facebook message from or run into the one that got away, and then one thing leads to another and...unfortunately, these situations don't survive contact with reality. For all the Hollywood stories about couples who have to love each other from a distance or wait to be in the right place to love each other, that's not how it goes. Real relationships happen when two people decide they want to do the hard work of loving and supporting each other every day, together, in the same time and place. Affairs and fantasies can be fun because it's all the romantic, exciting, sexy stuff without any of the boring things like Saturday morning Home Depot runs or folding laundry. Part of the reason TF continues to have such a strong hold over you is because so much of this is happening in your imagination. Even though you had a real-world relationship, you've spent much more time turning it over in your subconscious. 

Life doesn't happen in our dreams. You only get one shot at this. Do you really want to be on your deathbed thinking about the great dreams you had about someone who was never actually a big player in your life?

Give Astro Girl a try. Maybe you'll be compatible and decide you want to be together, maybe you won't; if you still don't think she could be the one after a while then let her go. If there comes a point when you and TF are both interested in pursuing something, then deal with that if it occurs. But you can't put your life on hold for someone who doesn't want to be with you. If you have fantasies of a pleasant life with a pleasant wife and 2.5 kids and a dog, and then one day you find the One True Love Of Your Life on your doorstep...again, check out the Infidelity and Other Man/Woman boards. It isn't pretty.

[Wave Rider]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah, OK.  If it's about your intuition...I guess the answer is to look at your history of intuition and how correct it's been in the past.  If you have some kind of psychic intuition which has proven itself repeatedly, then trust your intuition.   But if your intuition doesn't have a proven track record, then I'd say that it's nothing more than wishful thinking.

And the dreams don't mean anything other than the fact that you're still processing the relationship.

I’m no psychic, but if a person is a really important person in my life, I do sometimes get intuitions about them.  Yes, looking at past intuitions is a good way to test reliability.   I had several other intuitions about her.  Before I knew her well, I had the intuition that she had emotional problems; this turned out to be correct.  I had the intuition that she was manipulative; this turned out to be correct.  I had an image of my mind of her personality as a tangled knot of emotions; this appears to be correct.  I had the intuition that before the end of the school year we’d be in a relationship, and it happened.  I also had a sense of an inevitable breakup, which also happened.  I sensed that she’d reach out to me and contact me after the breakup, and she did in a big way.  So far it looks like my intuitions about her have been pretty accurate, so I’m having a hard time believing that I’m wrong about just this one thing, which is that we’ll be back together someday. 

As for my intuition that my 5 girlfriends previous to her were wrong for me, all 5 of them ended up marrying other men.  And looking back I don’t think that I would have been a good fit for any of them.  So I think my intuition served me well there in saving me a divorce to the wrong woman in those cases.  Those women found men who were a better fit for them than I was.

The only way to know if an intuition is correct is to follow it and see if it’s right. 

I think that I should keep this in mind: if I do end up with Twin Flame, it won’t happen in the way that I’m expecting.  It must happen in some unexpected way, something that I never would have thought of.  I have in my mind the way that I’m thinking we’ll get back together: I’ll call her up and give her a big speech and tell her about the really strong cosmic connection I have with her and all the great stuff I learned from her, plus all the dreams I had about her, and she’ll fall in love with me and we’ll be together.  I don’t think it’s going to happen that way.  If we do get back together, it will probably happen in some unexpected way. 

Also, I do think the dreams have some meaning beyond processing the relationship.  The symbolism is really incredible in these dreams, though most of the symbols are very opaque at the moment.  I have dreams about other people, and sometimes these dreams seem to have clear meanings, and following those dreams has been a good thing in my life.  For example, I had a dream a few nights about about a friend and former roommate; in this dream he rode a bicycle into my office and we hugged.  So I messaged him in real life, and it turns out he's feeling quite depressed and could really use some support, so we've been chatting about things.  I sometimes have dreams like this, and they appear to tell me important things.  But with Twin Flame, the symbolism is beyond my ability to interpret at the moment.  Maybe the meaning will become more clear in time.  The dreams I've had about Astro Girl seem much more clear in their meaning.  

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Give Astro Girl a try. Maybe you'll be compatible and decide you want to be together, maybe you won't; if you still don't think she could be the one after a while then let her go. If there comes a point when you and TF are both interested in pursuing something, then deal with that if it occurs. But you can't put your life on hold for someone who doesn't want to be with you. If you have fantasies of a pleasant life with a pleasant wife and 2.5 kids and a dog, and then one day you find the One True Love Of Your Life on your doorstep...again, check out the Infidelity and Other Man/Woman boards. It isn't pretty.

As for Astro Girl, I’ve also had intuitions about her.  Not quite as strong, but clearly something.  I think I’m going to pursue a relationship with her.  I like her a lot, and she seems to be a great person.  My situation with Twin Flame is currently going nowhere, but Astro Girl seems interested, so I’ll go in that direction and see what happens.

Edited September 6, 2020 by Wave Rider

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

I’m no psychic, but if a person is a really important person in my life, I do sometimes get intuitions about them.  Yes, looking at past intuitions is a good way to test reliability.   I had several other intuitions about her.  Before I knew her well, I had the intuition that she had emotional problems; this turned out to be correct.  I had the intuition that she was manipulative; this turned out to be correct.  I had an image of my mind of her personality as a tangled knot of emotions; this appears to be correct.  I had the intuition that before the end of the school year we’d be in a relationship, and it happened.  I also had a sense of an inevitable breakup, which also happened.  I sensed that she’d reach out to me and contact me after the breakup, and she did in a big way.  So far it looks like my intuitions about her have been pretty accurate, so I’m having a hard time believing that I’m wrong about just this one thing, which is that we’ll be back together someday. 

 

Wave Rider, half of this stuff is being able to read others and the other half is bloody obvious.  It doesn't take a high degree of intuition.

We don't need to know someone well to get a vibe that they have issues or are manipulative.   The act of getting closer will rightfully give the feeling that you'll end up in a relationship.   The fact that she's manipulative and has issues means that it's common sense you'd break up.   Heaps of people reach out after a break up - it's pretty much to be expected.  None of this is anything out of the ordinary when it comes to intuition.    Likewise, the previous 5 girls who you had a feeling weren't for you?    Yep, all totally normal for everyone. 

Symbolism in dreams when we're processing an ex is also very normal.    Stop focusing on her and this 'intuition' and the dreams will fade.

Edited September 6, 2020 by basil67

[Difficultstuff]

I tend to agree with those who are urging you to, broadly speaking, get a bit more realistic and grounded - the way you write about these women is somewhat impressionistic; they hardly seem real, just characters in your imagination, the meaning of whom is defined by how they figure in your intuitions or diagnoses.

'Twin flame' is obviously a fairly recent pop-psychology concept. Maybe it's helpful for some people as a way of conceptualising rejection and obsession - I'm pretty sure one of the main characteristics is that 'twin flames' often do not end up together on this plane of existence.

Since you're clearly interested in these kind of ideas, and in therapy, I recommend - if you haven't yet done so - looking at the work of Jung on dreams, intuition and, especially, on the 'anima'. In his terms, your issue is probably not with the actual woman, but the archetype. (I also think I recall him saying somewhere that intuition is just a sense of the possibilities inherent in any situation.)

Above all, though, my own intuition is you should get back down to earth: at the moment you're all flighty thoughts and air and fire.

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

Before I knew her well, I had the intuition that she had emotional problems; this turned out to be correct.  I had the intuition that she was manipulative; this turned out to be correct.  I had an image of my mind of her personality as a tangled knot of emotions; this appears to be correct. 

While I understand the allure that "complicated" women can sometimes have if they are also attractive, IMO you should consider questioning why your intuition seems to be drawing you towards someone with a host of red flags. I'm not surprised you broke up, given what you wrote in your quote, and I think spending years waiting for her return may be spending years waiting for a BRIEF reunion. Perhaps you get a little time with her, but at the cost of losing out on having a relationship during many of the best years of your life.

Even if/when it's right, intuition is rarely perfect.

With or without intuition I think the question of why you are drawn to someone like this (ie with all these emotional issues) is one you should be looking into. You might consider some IC just to see what they think.

[chillii]

On 9/6/2020 at 10:29 AM, basil67 said:

What's this about you thinking that Twin Flame needs to do more work on herself?   Have you considered that she may be perfectly happy with who she is?  

That said, TF is showing zero interest in having any type of meaningful relationship with you now.  And as an ex, this is how it should be.    With all the work you've done on yourself, have you looked at how to let go of an obsession?

Exactly what l was thinking too.

Tf just sounds uninterested , lost interest, and not surprising but it sounds like that horse has bolted to me. Whatever other issues she may or may not have , aren't the problem. Also , 70 dreams don't really say anything from TF, it's not a mutual thing they're coming from you alone and your obsession , not from any twin flame. As for the other one you need to figure out how you truly feel about her and whether that's enough or fair to her.

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by chillii

[ajequals]

I'm going to go out on a lim here. The way you portray yourself and the way you write is as if quite a bit of fantasy related input is in your life ,maybe from video games. Do you spend a lot of time with a play station or xbox?  Something effected the way you view the world and possibly how you view women in your post . this is my view on intuition I can tell when a situation is dangerous, when I am taking a risk, when I am being lied to . I don't log my dreams and believe they are telling me anything. they are just dreams. mostly effected by something read or seen on tv...Now I admit. I have not been able to read a woman. I put myself out there and see if there's an interest. and if I truly feel love for the person I pursue her..I have always asked myself this question. Do I want to wake up every day and see her face? I also base my selection on her character..That is probably the most important effect on your lives

[Weezy1973]

Intuition = thoughts / beliefs / feelings that come from within, usually based on past experiences. Someone who’s intuitive trusts those thoughts. But it doesn’t mean they’re right, or true, or healthy. 
 

It’s best to balance your internal intuition with external evidence. Although your intuition might make you think she’s “the one”, external evidence suggests strongly that she’s not.
 

Your dreams just reflect your obsession with Twin Flame. 

On 9/5/2020 at 8:52 PM, Wave Rider said:

But I have a hard time calling it an obsession because I've tried to get rid of her and I still can't do it.  

This is the definition of an obsession. If you could easily forget her and move on, it wouldn’t be an obsession. 

Edited September 11, 2020 by Weezy1973

[ShyViolet]

On 9/5/2020 at 3:56 PM, Wave Rider said:

I am still very confused about whether I can trust my intuition about Twin Flame, 

Can someone help clarify for me here?  Can I trust my intuition, or am I crazy? 

I'm going to be blunt.... no, you cannot trust your intuition.  What you are calling "intuition" sounds more like an unhealthy obsession with this woman who you briefly dated in the past, and also a whole lot of delusional thinking and getting lost in a fantasy world.  You're building up this woman as your soul mate that the universe has magically sent to you.  I'm sure it feels that way to you.  But in reality she is not interested in dating you again.  She has made that very clear.  If she was your "soul mate", you two would have ended up together and she wouldn't be telling you that she's not interested in dating you.  Stop trying to psychoanalyze her.  You have a very unhealthy way of viewing the world and you need to come back down to reality a little bit.

I do think you should date the other woman... go for it, why not.

[spiderowl]

This is a difficult question.  If you are a sensitive person, intuition can be very powerful and accurate.  However, while your intuition may draw you towards TF as if she is the one for you, you may not be the one for her.  That is the unfairness of these kinds of instincts.  If the 'pull' is more one-sided, then the unfortunate person who 'knows' the other person would be 'right' for them, is then left with an unfinished/unsatisfied feeling which is very hard to deal with.

I do not think you should date AG while you are convinced that TF is the one for you, unless both you and AG know it is a temporary fling.  If you lead her to believe something lasting and committed could come from such a relationship, that would be unfair while you are feeling like you do.

So, given that TF is showing no signs at all of being interested in anything now or in the future, what do you do?  You could accept that TF feels like she is the one for you but that the feeling is not reciprocated and there is no reason to suppose it will be.  Do you feel able to consider that?  I mean you are stuck at the moment however you look at this, stuck on TF.  It is worth bearing in mind also that many of us did find 'the one' and then 20 years and two children later, realised that they weren't 'the one'.  These feelings can be very strong but it is possible to love and care for others just as much.  It just feels for you like it isn't possible at the moment.

Consider throwing off this conviction that TF is the one you will end up with because she happens to be the one you feel strongly drawn towards now - feeling drawn towards and ending up with are not necessarily connected.  Maybe date AG on the basis of a fun fling at first and see what happens but without making any promises.

It is possible to end an obsession when you realise fully that the other person is an independent person who wants something different.  Please do not confuse your feelings with hers.

Edited September 15, 2020 by spiderowl