Is there any scenario where pursuing a good friend can work out?

[major_merrick]

A close friendship can definitely turn into something more.

I don't even like guys, but I've ended up marrying and having children with my best friend.  Our initial relationship and transition from friends to something more was pretty damn stormy.  Especially since I normally prefer girls, having a boyfriend was totally confusing at first.  I broke off our engagement, and it was many years until we got back together again and I was settled enough to marry. 

There's definitely some risk.  Most people I've known who have done it say you'll either end up with a really good relationship or you'll ruin both your relationship and your friendship.  So be sure of what you're doing. 

[Inflikted]

On 9/7/2020 at 8:20 PM, major_merrick said:

There's definitely some risk.  Most people I've known who have done it say you'll either end up with a really good relationship or you'll ruin both your relationship and your friendship.  So be sure of what you're doing. 

Yeah. The upside in this case is that, she's the kind of person where, I think even if we tried it for a little bit and then decided it just wasn't working, we could probably go back to being friends. But, I dunno. There's so much to consider, here, and I just don't know what to make of any of it.

Something I think a lot about is, what are the odds that her next boyfriend will be as cool about her having me as a friend, as her last ex was? They were pretty cool about it, but I get the sense most guys aren't going to be on board with that. Though, she's attached enough to me that I think she'd put up a good fight to keep me in her life, but at the same time, I would never want her to have to be in that position because of me, and as much as I don't want to lose her, I'd rather she be happy than anything else. So, to a degree, I kinda worry that our friendship may eventually be "doomed" no matter what I do.

I worry that my friendship with her ex will be a problematic hurdle for her. Me and him had become solid buddies over the last year, but now he's out of state and gone. I can't help but feel a bit guilty, though, because before he moved away, he told me I was the only "new" friend he'd made in the last few years. He wants to stay in touch, although I haven't actually heard from him in a few weeks (not since the last time I saw him before he moved). On one hand, I feel guilty about wanting to go after "his" girl, but at the same time, he's gone, he's not here anymore, and if there was a chance she and I could be happy together, it seems kinda silly to me to put that aside just so we don't upset her ex that's not even in the same state anymore. Then again, maybe that's me trying to make myself feel better about being a really crappy person...

In any case, I guess there are some casual ways I could eventually try to put the idea out there that wouldn't necessarily be damaging to our friendship. My only thing now is how to know when the timing is appropriate. I definitely don't want to start making noise about it when she's still struggling, but I also don't want to wait too long and miss the "right time". Five years is a pretty long relationship, and I don't know how long it would take someone to get over that. Although, I think she's perhaps been unhappy for maybe the whole last year; not to mention, she really wants to get married and start a family within the next few years, so I don't know how that will factor into her recovery time, either.

[Happy Lemming]

Have you spoke to her, since "the guy" left??

Has "the guy" contacted you from his new locale?? Although, I imagine he may be busy with unpacking.

 

[Inflikted]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you spoke to her, since "the guy" left??

Just via text. She called me right after they first told me about the breakup a few weeks ago, but all other communication has been through text. Last time I saw her was a little over a month ago, before the breakup. I'm seeing her next week for a thing with her family, and she seems excited to see me then, when we've been texting.

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Has "the guy" contacted you from his new locale?? Although, I imagine he may be busy with unpacking.

Nah. I mean, he's "liked" a couple things I've posted on social media the last few days, but we haven't actually had any kind of a conversation. I'm sure he's still settling in, but he's also been posting his own stuff showing him out about, doing stuff, over there.

[DarrenB]

If certain feelings aren't reciprocal (which they aren't because you are obviously expecting more), 9/10 times it will not end well.

Proceeding with a hopeful mindset in this scenario often becomes the downfall.

No amount of courteous friendship, gestures or game plans will change that. If it is not evident that she has feelings for you, why still bother attempting to connect on that level?

If it's not natural there is no point. Continuing to persist will only affect your mentality more than it is now.

I say this solely in the hopes that you stop wasting your time.

Edited September 12, 2020 by DarrenB

[Inflikted]

4 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

No amount of courteous friendship, gestures or game plans will change that. If it is not evident that she has feelings for you, why still bother attempting to connect on that level?

Yeah, I mean, it's not that I'm looking for something on her end right now. I don't expect she would've expressed romantic interest in me while she was in a relationship, and I wouldn't expect her to show anything in the immediate future when she's still coming off of the breakup.

I'm just curious about whether a transition is possible down the road. I'm not looking to try to "manipulate" anything, or anything like that. I just like her a lot, and I don't "like" people very often at all, so I get attached. As for "wasting my time", eh, it's not like I'm putting anything on hold to focus on this. I've already been struggling to find anyone I connect with before this, and the pandemic certainly isn't making things any easier, so I'm not losing out on anything due to this anyway.

[Inflikted]

@Happy Lemming May I ask why you made your previous inquiries?

[Fletch Lives]

If you have to have a discussion about it, you are just friends forever.

Find a another woman to date.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

@Happy Lemming May I ask why you made your previous inquiries?

In the back of my mind, I was thinking that your friendship with the guy will probably slowly dissolve.  In my past, I found it very difficult to maintain friendships (with other guy friends) when I wasn't local.  I, also usually advised my friends of my new address upon arriving to a new area/city.  The majority of my "wanderlust" travels were done in the pre-cell phone age, thus I would also be giving them my new land line phone number.  I was just curious if he forwarded any information about his new location.   It would show his eagerness to maintain the friendship if he forwarded his new address, etc.

As for the woman, I'm not big on "Texting" with someone I call a "close" friend.  I tend to "talk" to them on the phone.  I had this one "guy" friend, each time I would leave a "voicemail" for him, he'd text me back vs. calling and talking to me.  It made me feel like he couldn't be bothered with actually returning my phone call & take the time to talk to me, instead he fulfilled his obligation to communicate with 3 words and an emoji.  Not cool (in my opinion), so I let the friendship dissolve.

Do you think she would call you back and talk to you, if you called her and left a voicemail?? 

[Inflikted]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

In the back of my mind, I was thinking that your friendship with the guy will probably slowly dissolve.  In my past, I found it very difficult to maintain friendships (with other guy friends) when I wasn't local.  I, also usually advised my friends of my new address upon arriving to a new area/city.  The majority of my "wanderlust" travels were done in the pre-cell phone age, thus I would also be giving them my new land line phone number.  I was just curious if he forwarded any information about his new location.   It would show his eagerness to maintain the friendship if he forwarded his new address, etc.

Yeah. I mean, in a lot of ways, I've kind of made peace with the fact that things will probably dissolve more and more over time with him. While I liked the "version" of him I knew, I think I'd more so been trying to make the effort to be friendly with him over the last couple of years because I was friends with her, and I felt like I kind of owed it to her to make an effort to have a good relationship with the guy she was with. I had fun with him for what it was, but I'm not really all that broken up about him being gone now. I think, much like myself, he was kind of "bad" about making the initiative on things like trying hard to keep in touch. We're both semi-awkward in that way, I guess. Still, before he left, he told me at least once that I have an open invitation to come visit whenever I want, and that he'll also still occasionally pass through as he has other family that still live in this state. He did tell me that I was the only "new" friend he's made in the last several years.

Part of me is still curious, though, about whether or not something more happened between them involving my name. I talked about this before, but while he was in the process of packing, he had picked a weird fight with her about me, and she told me about it, and it weirded me out. After that, I never actually heard from him again (aside from "likes" on social media), and she basically stopped speaking about him at all to me. So, I don't know if she told him that it weirded me out and he felt bad for dragging me into it, or what happened. Most likely, I'm probably just thinking too much about it, but the timing just seems odd, because it was like, after she told me that, I no longer heard from him, and she just acts like he doesn't exist.

17 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you think she would call you back and talk to you, if you called her and left a voicemail??

I'd think so, yeah. Really, I think my generation isn't terribly big on "talking on the phone", in general. Funny enough, I think she thinks she'd be "bothering me" to call me and actually speak on the phone, based on a couple past interactions. Which I say is funny, because that's the same mentality I tend to have in return, heh.

In general, do you have an opinion on the communication I have with her?

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

In general, do you have an opinion on the communication I have with her?

You might be right... I'm "old school" when it comes to texting. I never use it, if a response is required. 

Like if I am stuck in traffic going to pick up my girlfriend, I'll text her, so she won't worry.  But if its an inquiry that requires some back and forth, then I'll call and talk to her.  I enjoy hearing her voice, anyways... so I prefer actually "talking on the phone".

[Inflikted]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You might be right... I'm "old school" when it comes to texting. I never use it, if a response is required. 

Like if I am stuck in traffic going to pick up my girlfriend, I'll text her, so she won't worry.  But if its an inquiry that requires some back and forth, then I'll call and talk to her.  I enjoy hearing her voice, anyways... so I prefer actually "talking on the phone".

Ah. Yeah, I never thought much about it, honestly.

In any case, given that you've made it pretty clear that you don't believe I have any chance with this friend of mine, lol, I was just mainly curious why you still participate in this particular conversation with me about them and my dynamic with her. *shrug*

[kamani]

I know you are advised against trying to date her. I didn't read all the posts or all your posts. My suggestion is different. You already have feelings for her and hoping for more. Due to this you will have to end the friendship one day. So better at least test the waters. As someone else said everything in life comes with a risk. I am married to a man who was my friend for 6 years and it took me years to develop feelings for him. Feelings can develop. However I was  not the the outgoing or sociable girl. Have met or had been friends with very few men. If I met someone I could connect during these 6 years he won't be with me now. But it didn't happen. Better to try than to regret.

Edited September 14, 2020 by kamani

[Happy Lemming]

22 hours ago, Inflikted said:

I was just mainly curious why you still participate in this particular conversation with me about them and my dynamic with her. *shrug*

To quote Elon Musk "Message Received"

Best of luck... whatever you decide to do.

[Inflikted]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

To quote Elon Musk "Message Received"

Best of luck... whatever you decide to do.

Heh, I mean, don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to be rude or to tell you to get out of this discussion, or anything. I was just genuinely curious why you participate in this discussion despite having previously taken a stance about it. That's all, heh. Sorry if my curiosity didn't translate well in that last post.