She comes up with excuses and tonight.

[jgraham11]

So this girl I once went to school with long ago became single maybe back in like January of this year. She had been in a long term relationship (6 years), I didn't really talk to her much once we went separate ways after school until it became obvious via Instagram posts she was putting herself out there. Anyway, we had a reunion a few weeks ago with friends and it went okay and I was kind of feeling her out to see how she was interacting with me. We've been kind of flirtatious with each other since, but since we met during that reunion she keeps coming up with excuses on not being able to meet. She seems pretty busy with school, so school is an excuse and she'd say next week or maybe Labor Day weekend (like tonight).

The problem is we never set anything up because she made it seem like she didn't have time with school and studying and what not. But tonight she posted an IG story of her having drinks with a girlfriend of hers. I suppose it's better than it being another guy, but I still feel slighted and honestly, I just unfollowed her on IG, blocked her (so it would make her unfollow me) and then unblocked her. So now I'm waiting to see her reaction, but to be honest I'm thinking I'm better off just not wasting anymore time. 

I mean clearly she had enough time to meet up with another girlfriend, but not me, so I guess I'm not a very high priority in her mind. Should I just go with my gut and move on?

Edited September 6, 2020 by jgraham11

[ccas93]

I've never once had a girl who does any of the things you described her doing, suddenly turning around and being interested after all. Good that you unfollowed her and her dumb IG stories. 

[jgraham11]

10 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

I've never once had a girl who does any of the things you described her doing, suddenly turning around and being interested after all. Good that you unfollowed her and her dumb IG stories. 

She kind of acts interested at times though. Like planning to do things, but of course never actually doing them. That's what aggravates me. It's like I'm okay taking no as an answer if someone isn't interested, but damn don't just string someone along either. 

 

[Snow_Queen]

I’m not reading anything that suggests she was ever interested. She doesn’t really owe you her time, even is there was mild flirting. I think this is her way of saying she’s not interested. Seems like she was trying to politely send signals. Not everyone comes right out and says they’re not interested.

[Mystery4u]

She's not interested. Don't waste any more time with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Some people have a hard time being direct and saying "Thanks, but no thanks", so she keeps telling you vaguely that she'll meet up with you even if she doesn't have the intention on actually following through. It's not mature, but I'm quite sure that's what is happening here. She doesn't have the stones to tell you she isn't interested so she keeps fluffing you off and hopes you'll take the hint. 

So, take the hint and don't waste more time here. She's not into it. 

[jgraham11]

1 hour ago, Snow_Queen said:

I’m not reading anything that suggests she was ever interested. She doesn’t really owe you her time, even is there was mild flirting. I think this is her way of saying she’s not interested. Seems like she was trying to politely send signals. Not everyone comes right out and says they’re not interested.

So you're saying she would plan things, not follow through with them, all while not being interested the entire time? It's not like I was the one making plans, she actively would say "Let's do this next weekend" or whatever and then never follow through.

[jgraham11]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Some people have a hard time being direct and saying "Thanks, but no thanks", so she keeps telling you vaguely that she'll meet up with you even if she doesn't have the intention on actually following through. It's not mature, but I'm quite sure that's what is happening here. She doesn't have the stones to tell you she isn't interested so she keeps fluffing you off and hopes you'll take the hint. 

So, take the hint and don't waste more time here. She's not into it. 

 

Yeah, but I don't think I should be sorry for not taking the hint... mainly because there was no hint. Like I said in my reply above she would like actively try to plan things with me, but come up with a school excuse or some other reason. I mean why attempt to make plans, not follow through on them all while being uninterested to begin with? If that's her idea of a hint then.. well it's not a very good hint lol

I mean I'm going to move on regardless, she could contact me tomorrow and it wouldn't change anything. I just don't see the logic in what she was doing. 

Edited September 6, 2020 by jgraham11

[elaine567]

The problem with many women, and specially young women, is that they are brought up to please, to be agreeable, to not rock any boats and to try not to disappoint anyone especially men.
She mirrors your flirting as it is fun and it makes you feel good.
BUT instead of saying "I do not actually want to go out with  you", she agrees to everything, but as she doesn't really want to go, she ducks out.
Too busy is then the excuse.
"It is not me, it is just the circumstances, sorry"
That way she doesn't actually need to face you and your potential anger/disappointment with the rejection.

Interested people are never "too busy". They may lead busy lives but will always manage to make time for the person they are interested in.
Men often pick up on this "too busy" routine right away and do not pursue further.

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, jgraham11 said:

Like I said in my reply above she would like actively try to plan things with me, but come up with a school excuse or some other reason. I mean why attempt to make plans, not follow through on them all while being uninterested to begin with? If that's her idea of a hint then.. well it's not a very good hint lol

I mean I'm going to move on regardless, she could contact me tomorrow and it wouldn't change anything. I just don't see the logic in what she was doing. 

You're right, there's not a lot of logic in it. 

Her behaviour indicates you were the back-up. If something she wanted to do more came up, she went with that. Given that she's not once followed through, you need to assume she doesn't have a genuine interest in seeing you. When we ladies like a guy, this isn't how we behave with him. 

[jgraham11]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem with many women, and specially young women, is that they are brought up to please, to be agreeable, to not rock any boats and to try not to disappoint anyone especially men.
She mirrors your flirting as it is fun and it makes you feel good.
BUT instead of saying "I do not actually want to go out with  you", she agrees to everything, but as she doesn't really want to go, she ducks out.
Too busy is then the excuse.
"It is not me, it is just the circumstances, sorry"
That way she doesn't actually need to face you and your potential anger/disappointment with the rejection.

Interested people are never "too busy". They may lead busy lives but will always manage to make time for the person they are interested in.
Men often pick up on this "too busy" routine right away and do not pursue further.

I agree with everything you're saying, but I have to reply in saying I wasn't even the one making the plans. She would come up with plans and ideas for something to do and then duck out. Like I wasn't even the one taking the initiative on making plans, she was. Which is why this has been more confusing for me. 

[jgraham11]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're right, there's not a lot of logic in it. 

Her behaviour indicates you were the back-up. If something she wanted to do more came up, she went with that. Given that she's not once followed through, you need to assume she doesn't have a genuine interest in seeing you. When we ladies like a guy, this isn't how we behave with him. 

Yeah I will assume that and I've already mentally begun to move on. I guess it would suck if my assumption is wrong, but she's given more no reason to think otherwise. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, jgraham11 said:

Yeah I will assume that and I've already mentally begun to move on. I guess it would suck if my assumption is wrong, but she's given more no reason to think otherwise. 

Yes, exactly. 

She's given essentially zero indication of genuine interest, so you don't have much choice but to assume it's just not mutual. If it is? She would be a nightmare to date anyway, with you never knowing where you stood or how to plan anything with her. 

My guess is that she's just not feeling it, though. 

[jgraham11]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, exactly. 

She's given essentially zero indication of genuine interest, so you don't have much choice but to assume it's just not mutual. If it is? She would be a nightmare to date anyway, with you never knowing where you stood or how to plan anything with her. 

My guess is that she's just not feeling it, though. 

I know, I don't know how her ex dated her for 6 years... s*** maybe she should just go back to him haha. 

[elaine567]

I think some people take a long time to get over break ups.
She may be simply not ready to date.
She thinks she is, so makes plans then cancels when she realises it is still too early.

[Azincourt]

3 hours ago, jgraham11 said:

So this girl I once went to school with long ago became single maybe back in like January of this year. She had been in a long term relationship (6 years), I didn't really talk to her much once we went separate ways after school until it became obvious via Instagram posts she was putting herself out there. Anyway, we had a reunion a few weeks ago with friends and it went okay and I was kind of feeling her out to see how she was interacting with me. We've been kind of flirtatious with each other since, but since we met during that reunion she keeps coming up with excuses on not being able to meet. She seems pretty busy with school, so school is an excuse and she'd say next week or maybe Labor Day weekend (like tonight).

The problem is we never set anything up because she made it seem like she didn't have time with school and studying and what not. But tonight she posted an IG story of her having drinks with a girlfriend of hers. I suppose it's better than it being another guy, but I still feel slighted and honestly, I just unfollowed her on IG, blocked her (so it would make her unfollow me) and then unblocked her. So now I'm waiting to see her reaction, but to be honest I'm thinking I'm better off just not wasting anymore time. 

I mean clearly she had enough time to meet up with another girlfriend, but not me, so I guess I'm not a very high priority in her mind. Should I just go with my gut and move on?

Someone  who has been in a committed relationship for 6 years isn't exactly ready to date after being single for 8 months. Who got dumped? Was it she who dumped the guy? Or was it the woman who dumped the guy?

How exactly was she making it obvious to the world that she was looking for a new boyfriend?

Was she posting pictures of her in a bikini, in shorts shorts, or in any other sort of attire that catches the male gaze?

That's because many women love attention. It has nothing to do with being on the lookout for a new boyfriend.  I know plenty of women who are in a relationship and they still show off their bodies on social media. 

A woman flirting with you doesn't mean much. There's loads of women who flirt with men they aren't interested in, but they're feeling lonely because they're single, or they have a boyfriend but their boyfriend is ignoring them, or doesn't put in the same amount of effort and work now as he did when he was pursuing her.

I remember this woman who'd rub her breasts against my back when I was unaware of her presence she would ask me to sit next to her when we were with friends, and then she'd pull her skirt up all the way to her hips showing to me her string-panties. Or she would check me out from the bottom of my head to the sole of my feet with the same look a guy who has been to jail for 50 years looks at women, at any women, when he finally comes out. One time she pulled me to the side and asked me if I had feelings for her, and before I had even said anything she told me she has a boyfriend.

I proceeded to shrug it off, and then move on, and then she made drama because I ws ignoring her. 

Same happened with another woman. I enjoyed what I saw the very moment I looked at her for the first time,  so I went up to her when she was amongst 50 of her friends, and I asked her out.  I asked her to go to the beach with me. She indirectly rejected me by saying she already has someone she goes to the beach with often, so I reckoned I wasn't hot enough for her, so I moved on.

From that moment on not only did I never give her an answer to any question she would ask of me, but my eyes wouldn't even rest on her. She simply stopped existing to me. One day, I'm guessing she was having a stressful day, she blows up and very indignantly complained about me ignoring her.

If I'm interested in a woman and she's not interested in me, I simply stop caring about her and I move on. I don't waste time or emotional effort, and I sure ain't befriending someone I want to sleep with.

Until the moment a woman is having sex with me, I just assume she's attention-seeking and not at all into me. It would serve men in general to assume the same.

Anyway, this woman you're interested in  is just looking for guys to give her attention and possibly money.  It wouldn't surprise me to find out she has a guy she hooks-up while insisting on being single, because it's nothing serious. Move on, bro. Find someone better.

 

 

[jgraham11]

Just now, Azincourt said:

Someone  who has been in a committed relationship for 6 years isn't exactly ready to date after being single for 8 months. Who got dumped? Was it she who dumped the guy? Or was it the woman who dumped the guy?

How exactly was she making it obvious to the world that she was looking for a new boyfriend?

Was she posting pictures of her in a bikini, in shorts shorts, or in any other sort of attire that catches the male gaze?

That's because many women love attention. It has nothing to do with being on the lookout for a new boyfriend.  I know plenty of women who are in a relationship and they still show off their bodies on social media. 

A woman flirting with you doesn't mean much. There's loads of women who flirt with men they aren't interested in, but they're feeling lonely because they're single, or they have a boyfriend but their boyfriend is ignoring them, or doesn't put in the same amount of effort and work now as he did when he was pursuing her.

I remember this woman who'd rub her breasts against my back when I was unaware of her presence she would ask me to sit next to her when we were with friends, and then she'd pull her skirt up all the way to her hips showing to me her string-panties. Or she would check me out from the bottom of my head to the sole of my feet with the same look a guy who has been to jail for 50 years looks at women, at any women, when he finally comes out. One time she pulled me to the side and asked me if I had feelings for her, and before I had even said anything she told me she has a boyfriend.

I proceeded to shrug it off, and then move on, and then she made drama because I ws ignoring her. 

Same happened with another woman. I enjoyed what I saw the very moment I looked at her for the first time,  so I went up to her when she was amongst 50 of her friends, and I asked her out.  I asked her to go to the beach with me. She indirectly rejected me by saying she already has someone she goes to the beach with often, so I reckoned I wasn't hot enough for her, so I moved on.

From that moment on not only did I never give her an answer to any question she would ask of me, but my eyes wouldn't even rest on her. She simply stopped existing to me. One day, I'm guessing she was having a stressful day, she blows up and very indignantly complained about me ignoring her.

If I'm interested in a woman and she's not interested in me, I simply stop caring about her and I move on. I don't waste time or emotional effort, and I sure ain't befriending someone I want to sleep with.

Until the moment a woman is having sex with me, I just assume she's attention-seeking and not at all into me. It would serve men in general to assume the same.

Anyway, this woman you're interested in  is just looking for guys to give her attention and possibly money.  It wouldn't surprise me to find out she has a guy she hooks-up while insisting on being single, because it's nothing serious. Move on, bro. Find someone better.

 

 

Well she mentioned the first time I met up with her she had been on a few dates a month or two before, yes she was posting some photos that were meant to catch the attention of men. 

 

But yeah I'm already over it, it's one of my strengths to be able to drop things fairly quickly. Plenty of other fish. 

[jgraham11]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think some people take a long time to get over break ups.
She may be simply not ready to date.
She thinks she is, so makes plans then cancels when she realises it is still too early.

Possibly, but I can't be waiting around until she's ready all while getting jerked around. Too bad, but it is what it is I guess. 

[Wiseman2]

Yeah don't waste your time on anyone who keeps giving you the busy signal.

Whether they are really busy or not is irrelevant. No one is "too busy" for what they're interested in.

 

[jgraham11]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yeah don't waste your time on anyone who keeps giving you the busy signal.

Whether they are really busy or not is irrelevant. No one is "too busy" for what they're interested in.

 

Very true, that's pretty much all it comes down to. 

[schlumpy]

I think you need to refocus your view of the reunion. When people get together for a reunion they surrounded by others from a former slice of their life that is no more. There is a nostalgic connection that allows the walls to come down. The new life they are creating is separate and pushed aside for a short while.

Once the reunion is over it's back to their new and interesting life.

The past, for most people, is tolerable for short intervals of time. You are part of that past.

If the view the reunion as nostalgic flirtatious one-off, then where does that leave you really?

[Dork Vader]

4 hours ago, jgraham11 said:

She kind of acts interested at times though. Like planning to do things, but of course never actually doing them. That's what aggravates me. It's like I'm okay taking no as an answer if someone isn't interested, but damn don't just string someone along either. 

 

She's not interested. If she was she would have gone on a date or something with you. I can tell you right now, you stand no chance with her. She might just be a flirty type of person. She also just might be using you to build up her self confidence, pass time or any number of things. No matter what her motives for flirting with you are, she is not interested in more than that. 

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, jgraham11 said:

So this girl I once went to school with long ago became single maybe back in like January of this year. She had been in a long term relationship (6 years), I didn't really talk to her much once we went separate ways after school until it became obvious via Instagram posts she was putting herself out there. Anyway, we had a reunion a few weeks ago with friends and it went okay and I was kind of feeling her out to see how she was interacting with me. We've been kind of flirtatious with each other since, but since we met during that reunion she keeps coming up with excuses on not being able to meet. She seems pretty busy with school, so school is an excuse and she'd say next week or maybe Labor Day weekend (like tonight).

The problem is we never set anything up because she made it seem like she didn't have time with school and studying and what not. But tonight she posted an IG story of her having drinks with a girlfriend of hers. I suppose it's better than it being another guy, but I still feel slighted and honestly, I just unfollowed her on IG, blocked her (so it would make her unfollow me) and then unblocked her. So now I'm waiting to see her reaction, but to be honest I'm thinking I'm better off just not wasting anymore time. 

I mean clearly she had enough time to meet up with another girlfriend, but not me, so I guess I'm not a very high priority in her mind. Should I just go with my gut and move on?

If you like someone then don’t play games like blocking them /unblocking them etc etc. That’s essentially just the same as using a break up threat. That’s not going to get you the reaction you had hoped for.

If someone likes you they’ll make time for you. Just the two of you. Not a group reunion.
This girl has already shown little to no interest. The best thing you can do is move on. Trust your gut instincts. Keep her as your friend and leave it at that. although after the immature Instagram move,  I don’t see that going particularly well either without you showing massive weakness, annoyance and insecurity in having to explain. And that’s not attractive either. 
 

obviously you really like her , but with this much resentment at the start , that’s not a very healthy way to go.  
There are plenty of people out there that will be a great match for you, but this girl doesn’t sound it right now. 
 

She might reach out to you again, if she does then you can take it from there on friendly terms. But you’ve probably made yourself too available recently. 
For every door that closes , another one opens. You just have to turn around to see it , so don’t let this get you down too much. Learn some lessons from it so you don’t make the same mistakes again. 

[jgraham11]

17 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

If you like someone then don’t play games like blocking them /unblocking them etc etc. That’s essentially just the same as using a break up threat. That’s not going to get you the reaction you had hoped for.

If someone likes you they’ll make time for you. Just the two of you. Not a group reunion.
This girl has already shown little to no interest. The best thing you can do is move on. Trust your gut instincts. Keep her as your friend and leave it at that. although after the immature Instagram move,  I don’t see that going particularly well either without you showing massive weakness, annoyance and insecurity in having to explain. And that’s not attractive either. 
 

obviously you really like her , but with this much resentment at the start , that’s not a very healthy way to go.  
There are plenty of people out there that will be a great match for you, but this girl doesn’t sound it right now. 
 

She might reach out to you again, if she does then you can take it from there on friendly terms. But you’ve probably made yourself too available recently. 
For every door that closes , another one opens. You just have to turn around to see it , so don’t let this get you down too much. Learn some lessons from it so you don’t make the same mistakes again. 

I'm not hoping for a reaction at this point. I just genuinely don't want to deal with her anymore. 

[jgraham11]

58 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I think you need to refocus your view of the reunion. When people get together for a reunion they surrounded by others from a former slice of their life that is no more. There is a nostalgic connection that allows the walls to come down. The new life they are creating is separate and pushed aside for a short while.

Once the reunion is over it's back to their new and interesting life.

The past, for most people, is tolerable for short intervals of time. You are part of that past.

If the view the reunion as nostalgic flirtatious one-off, then where does that leave you really?

Well, she's the one who arranged the reunion and funny enough, she and only one other guy (a gay friend) showed up so. She's always been the one initiating trying to meet up, never me. But enough is enough and I don't have the time or energy to be jerked around. 

Edited September 6, 2020 by jgraham11