'Do you trust me or do you just want to f$# me?

[ThereSheGoes]

Is that a valid question to ask? Or is that being confrontational?

 

I just want some opinions.

 

I have been going out a few times with a guy who used to be a f&%# buddy, and today he asked when are we going to make things official.

 

Some backstory;

 

We met on an app four years ago, and started sleeping together. I wasn't 100% in to the arrangement (even though we hadn't formally arranged anything, we just kinda fell in it) because there was.......I'm just gonna say it, his behavior would kinda remind me of my rapist at the time. When I would tell him that we were just hanging out, that I didn't want to have sex, he would force the issue. Going so far as to begin taking off my clothes as I was telling him that no, I didn't want to have sex. So there was some incidents where I felt powerless and felt like he didn't care anything about me. This was about two years after my rape, and I was just going through a lot emotionally and mentally at the time. Experiencing these moments with him was very painful for me.

So I started distancing myself.  While I started to distance myself, he started to let me know that he thought that we should be together in a exclusive relationship. I laughed it off, he kept going, and then when I realized he was serious, I said No. I felt like he had no clue who I was, had no interest in knowing who I was, didn't seem to respect me.....he also, at the time, was living with his mom, had a suspended license, was driving dirty, a sh*tty job, two kids,  and lived kinda far. Just....he wasn't what I wanted.

So, I said no.

He got kinda upset.

But I ended up moving, and I stopped responding to him. So he went to the back of my mind.

 

Last year, right after I broke up with my latest ex boyfriend, he messages me on FB. I was curious as to why, because it had been three years. He basically invites me to come with him on a vacation to another city, with him and his friends. I thought it was kinda weird. I don't know his friends, and we hadn't spoken in 3 years, and he was kinda pissed the last time we spoke, and just overall, the whole thing gave me a weird vibe. So I said no. About two weeks later, he messages me again and asks if I wanted to go with him to a baby shower. I said no again, because.....I don't know who his friends are, and that would be awkward. So he gets upset.

He says I have no life, I'm always just waiting for a guy to take me out. All I was worth was my vagina, I don't have anything to offer, so when a guy offers something to me, I should just take it. Then he brought up a moment from years ago, when were at Denny's,  and he saw me texting another guy. The context was just weird, almost like he was saying I was cheating on him or something, or insinuating that I 'get around'.....................I was a single woman, he's never been my boyfriend, if I wanted to go out with several guys at once, that would be my prerogative. If I wanted to sleep with several guys at once, I had that choice available to me. I owed him nothing.

So I blocked him on messenger.

 

Fast forward.

A few months ago he texted me. I had forgotten I had his number. We were talking, he asked how I was doing, and I brought up the previous conversation, and he says, he didn't remember saying that. And then asked if he was upset, and why would he say that to me.

 

Weird.

 

Anyway, he asks me out for dinner. I go, normal date. Found out he had his life together now, mostly. Kids are almost up and out of the house, got a good job as a branch manager, got his license back, got a reliable car. And he started to open up more about himself. I also noticed that he wasn't as....pushy and clingy-touchy like he was before.

So we go out a few more times. Things are fine. Again, attitude seems to be better, asking me questions about myself, so on and so forth. He even apologized for what he said about me not being worth anything. Which, again....thought was a little weird. If he didn't remember, then why apologize, right? But I accepted it. I'm paying for myself on these dates, I'm meeting up with him, he isn't picking me up. So I feel like I have a better grasp on the situation. If I decide if I want to stay or leave, I have that door open to me.

 

So we had a date of sorts, yesterday. He was working, but asked if I wanted to come along with him. I didn't have much fun, I was sitting alone a lot, but it was better than sitting alone at home.

 

I wake up this morning, we're texting, the conversation gets a little sexual (Up until this point, all we've done is a kiss goodnight) I tell him some things about me, and he asks when are we going to become official. Because to him, I'm his girl.

Now, we've probably seen each other about 4 or 5 times since reconnecting. I still don't have a firm grasp on his number yet. And I want my next relationship to be one that lasts. I'm 30 years old, I'm tired of these "Its okay for right now" type of relationships.  I don't know how I feel about being the girlfriend to a single dad, but I know at my age, finding a man who doesn't have kids, is going to be an uphill battle from here on out, so maybe I should just get accustomed to it. But I don't think he knows me that well? And I don't feel like I know him enough to make that choice. And for him to bring up that Denny's date from years ago, made me think that deep inside, he DOESN'T really trust me and doesn't value my word. So....why be in a relationship with me? I know I don't trust him. He absolutely REFUSES to talk about previous relationships. Won't even tell me how they ended. 

I also keep remembering the past, and I'm still, honestly, kinda hurt by it.

 

I just want to ask him the title of this post, but I feel like he'll get a little defensive. 

What do you think?

Edited September 7, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[basil67]

What do I think?   I have no idea why you give him the time of day.   

The goal of wanting your next relationship to last is a fast track to being with the wrong man.   A better goal is to find yourself a good relationship....not just any relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

He says I have no life, I'm always just waiting for a guy to take me out. All I was worth was my vagina, I don't have anything to offer, so when a guy offers something to me, I should just take it. Then he brought up a moment from years ago, when were at Denny's,  and he saw me texting another guy. The context was just weird, almost like he was saying I was cheating on him or something, or insinuating that I 'get around'.....................I was a single woman, he's never been my boyfriend, if I wanted to go out with several guys at once, that would be my prerogative. If I wanted to sleep with several guys at once, I had that choice available to me. I owed him nothing.

So I blocked him on messenger.

What do you think?

What do I think?

That you should never have unblocked this a**hole. 

With all due respect ThereSheGoes, I would take time off dating and work on your self-worth. It's rock-bottom if you allow people like this back into your life after they have treated you so poorly. 

[elaine567]

I think as he now has his life sorted, he s now looking for "serious" and  you are the chosen one.

[d0nnivain]

I also don't understand why you would continue to spend time with a man who reminds you of your rapist.  You need to get that sorted before you do anything.  Whatever is allowing you to keep talking to this guy is most likely also the biggest obstacle to you finding a quality relationship. 

I do think this guy now has his act together so good for him.  But that doesn't make him good for you.  

Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea.  If you met him for the 1st time now he might be a good BF but you still have all the past baggage so it will never work .